


Sweetness

by FassyAnon



Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, Chris Evans - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Domestic Violence, F/M, Family Conflict, Family Drama, Fighting/arguments, Fluff, Mention of Domestic Violence, Original Characters - Freeform, Romance, Smut, a brief appearance by Jeremy Renner in the update, mention of domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-03-10 06:30:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 114,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3280223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FassyAnon/pseuds/FassyAnon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever had a crush on someone only to find out that your bff is their bff? And she had the nerve to set you up on a blind date and not tell you? Yeah. That.<br/>And other shenanigans.</p><p>Although not all chapters are explicit, best to simply assume that they are, at a minimum, at least adult.</p><p>Chapters 1 - 30 are the original story. <br/>Chapters 31 - 38 are the update.</p><p>It is almost 20 years after Chris and Taz were set up by Kristi, and we find out that life isn’t always what we expect it to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silent Date

Blind dates. I hate them. They never work out. I get all worked up, trying to make a good impression because this is someone I know who is trying to set me up with someone else they know. I can’t be rude on the off chance that I’d offend my friend and they’d never want to speak to me again. I don’t have many friends so I like to keep the ones I have.

Then again, if we aren’t getting along…

I digress. Kristi was the one this time. She said she had a ‘great guy’ she knew back from when she’d moved to New York right after high school. They’d had a date or two and didn’t hit it off romantically, but became good friends. He’d recently moved to LA “for work”. She thought we might hit it off. Plus, if two of her friends started dating, well, it was more likely we’d stay in each others’ lives.

Kristi had been the one to make the reservation so it was under her name. I didn’t know why it couldn’t be under his. Hell, I hadn’t even been given his name. It didn’t make sense, but she said that was the way he wanted it.

Great. Someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I figured he didn’t want me to know his name in case he saw me and ducked out. He must not have had great luck at these kinds of things, either.

Well, I made it difficult for him to duck out without us at least meeting. I took the seat with my back to the door. If he wanted to see my face, he’d have to come all the way to the table.

The waiter set my drink down and I took a sip. Gin. You know that shiver you get when the drink is either too strong or something you don’t like? Yeah. That.

“Oooo, sorry. This isn’t the drink I ordered.”

“Yeah, gin and tonic.” He was rushing away, trying to get to somewhere else, but I was able to stop him.

“No, I don’t ever drink gin. You probably just got it mixed up with another order, no worries. If I could get a vodka and 7UP that would be great. Thanks much.”

I checked my phone and saw that he was a good half-hour late. I’d give him another 30 before I left. I know, an hour is a long time. This is LA, though, and traffic can easily cause an hour’s delay.

“Anastazia?”

I inwardly cringed at my full name. “Please, call me Taz.” I hadn’t even looked up and already I was intrigued. His voice was, well, making its way up my spine and giving me goosebumps.

He made his way around the table and pulled the chair out. I wanted him to be seated before I looked at him. Once seated, he introduced himself.

“Hi, I’m Chris. I’m very sorry I’m so late, but, well, I’m still getting used to LA traffic. I should’ve known to leave earlier. But that, and then I’m still getting used to the city…” He went on and on about traffic and being new and I let him. Why? I’d lost my words.

Not only is he handsome, no, wait. That’s not right. He’s fucking hot as hell. And he was so apologetic for making me wait. So he’s really nice.

And he resembles a Dorito. Yeah.

 _Chris Evans_. Kristi,  _former_  best friend o’mine, set me up with Chris Evans.

She knew I had a bit of a crush on him. Hell, that wasn’t even close to right. She was a dead woman.

He was going on and on, doing quite a bit of talking and I hadn’t said anything. Truth was, I wasn’t really listening. I couldn’t hear anything, what with all the fangirl screaming going on in my ears. That’s when I felt something on my hand. I looked down and realized it was his hand.

He was touching me!

I looked up and was temporarily blinded by the site in front of me.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“What’s wrong?” Okay, good looking, body of a god, nice, and now showing concern?

“Um, n-no, n-nothing’s wrong. I’m just gonna kill Kristi.”

“I think you’re gonna have to tell me why you plan on killing my best friend.”

“Well, first of all, I am her best friend.”

“Uh, no. That would be me.” Oh, it was on. One does not challenge my best friend status.

“Before she started talking to you about” I gestured, quite emphatically, between us “setting this up, did she ever mention me? Hm?” I was messing with him, and he could tell by the mischief in my eyes and the attitude and the smile that I couldn’t for the life of me wipe off my face, no matter how hard I tried.

“As a matter of fact, she did.” He sounded pretty proud of himself, especially with that smirk on his face.

“Well, she  _never_  mentioned you, so, who’s the bff? Whatdaya gotta say for yourself now?” I couldn’t stop laughing.

“She was simply protecting my identity.” Hm, quick on his feet.

“Oh puhlease. She could have easily just used ‘Chris’ and I would’ve never, never in a million years, guessed she was talking about you.” I had to keep poking and prodding, see what kind of reaction I could provoke. This was my favorite pastime.

“I will not concede that you are her bff. I will let her be the one to tell us. But why do you want to kill her?” Curiosity killed the cat. Isn’t that the saying?

“Nope, not gonna say.” He’d never hear this from me.

“Come on, out with it.” He was still in a good mood. Just wait. I’m more stubborn than a mule.

“No. Next subject. What-”

“Nuh-no. You haven’t answered the question yet.” Now he was starting to sound a bit annoyed, but he still looked like he was having fun.

“And I’m not going to. No means no and I’m not gonna answer.” There. Take that.

“Wow, you’re stubborn.”

“You ain’t seen the half of it.”

“Oh come on, pleeeeaaase, it can’t be that bad, can it?” Pulling out all the stops, eh?

“Seriously, you’re pulling out the puppy dog eyes. You think that’s gonna get you what you want?”

“It always has before.”

“Well, you’ve never run into me before.”

“Clearly. I would definitely remember you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“All I’m saying is- no, wait a minute! If you don’t have to explain yourself, I’m not gonna explain either, not until you do, anyway.”

Curses! Crap, turnabout’s fair play.

“Then I guess we’re at an impasse.”

“Impasse shmimpasse. Come on, ladies first.”

“What, you think I’m a lady?” That was a first.

“I think you’re all woman, that’s for sure. Come oooooon, you know you wanna tell me.”

“Fine, then I’ll just stop talking. You can just carry on a conversation with yourself.”

“Oooo, promises promises.”

It was going to kill me, but I swore to myself that I’d follow through on this one.

I didn’t speak for the rest of the night. He did everything he could to get me to talk. And there were a couple of times I’d almost relented.

Like when he ordered my next drink for me. Gin.

I just eyed the waiter and he knew what to bring.

Or when he ordered my meal for me. I really wasn’t in the mood for lasagne, but what the hell.

And then when he told me where we were going after dinner, and why we’d needed such an early meal time, I was all smiles and wanted to thank him, but couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

He was taking me to the Griffith Observatory.

Even though we’d driven separately to the restaurant, I let him drive to the observatory. We were both going to have to come back this way anyway, so it was saving on gas. Good for the environment.

When we got there, he helped me out of his car, and he was touching me, somehow, the rest of the night.

We spent some time looking out over the city. I could’ve stayed there all night, just looking as all the lights came on. It made me think of Christmas, the colored lights twinkling below us.

He stood behind me, one hand on my shoulder, keeping me close. Still touching.

We headed inside and sat in the planetarium. Now his arm was around my shoulders. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t see anything that was going on. Everything was Chris. How he shifted to get comfortable. How he took off his jacket and put it around my shoulders when he felt me shiver  _not from the cold_  and hugged me a bit closer. How I felt his body every time he took a breath and let it out.

I wanted this man, so much.

But I wouldn’t give in. I wasn’t sure if he was simply pulling out all the stops in an attempt to get me to speak, or if there was more. I wouldn’t make a mistake and embarrass myself.

When finally back at my car (yeah, traffic was horrendous, but on the upside we held hands the whole way) I gave him back his jacket.

“Taz, I actually had a very nice time tonight, even if everything was one-sided. I’d love to see you again. Actually talk to you on the next date maybe? Would you like that?” Now this was a time I would not be resisting the puppy dog eyes. I nodded. He held out his phone to me.

“I’d love your number.”

I put my contact information in and texted myself so he could see I’d given him my number.

“We’ll talk soon.”

I nodded again, chuckling as I smiled.

I got home and was sitting on my sofa, lost in a daze. My phone had rung several times. Kristi. She could be relentless when she wanted to be. I finally answered.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“From what I’ve heard, that would be a continuation of the date. Why’d you pick up the phone?”

“Because you’ll keep calling me until I pick up.”

“True. Look, about tonight, what was so wrong?”

“Nothing was wrong with tonight. What was wrong was  _you not telling me_ , not giving me a heads-up that I was gonna be meeting him. Why’d you do that? Do you really hate me that much?” I knew she didn’t hate me. But I also knew I hadn’t made the best first impression. I was taking my frustrations out on her.

“You know why. So how was the date? You gonna see him again?”

Trouble was, she was right. I did know why.

“If you know I was silent during the date, then you know the answer to that.”

“But do you like him?”

She could be infuriating!

“Hey, look. This is a guy you never mentioned to me before. And you know why I’m upset. Why do you think that I’ll trust you, say anything to you. How do I know you won’t go running to him when you get it out of me? Hmm?”

She started laughing. And I heard a deeper chuckle, too.

“Do you have me on speaker? Are you with him right now?”

Now I heard both of them laughing. Two could play at that game.

I hung up the phone. I didn’t pick up when she called back. I didn’t pick up when he called. They were tag-teaming me. I turned the ringer off on my phone and turned it over, screen on the arm of the sofa. Easy enough to ignore a call when you couldn’t hear it.

It was a little over an hour later when my cats went scampering for the bedroom. That normally only happened when someone-

I heard a knock at my door. My heart sped up as I glanced at the clock. Who would be here at 12:52? I stayed quiet, thinking that if I just ignored it they’d go away.

Another knock.  _They weren’t going away_. I grabbed my phone and that’s when I saw I’d had 37 unanswered calls and several texts. Kristi had been begging me to pick up the phone. So had Chris.

Another text from Kristi came through.

_Kristi [text] 12:52am: open your door and you’ll get my apology_

Why the hell didn’t she just yell through the door like she normally did? She’d never cared before about disturbing my neighbors. Then again, it was terribly late.

I walked to the door and when I looked out my peephole I saw flowers. What florist was open this late at night? Ah, yes. The local Von’s. At least she hadn’t gone for the roses. I opened my door.

It wasn’t Kristi. It was Chris. I was at a loss for words.

“May I come in?”

I stepped aside and let him pass. Turning around after closing and locking the door, my address to him was cut off.

“How did-” He silenced me when he put his fingers over my mouth, barely touching my lips. He embraced me and pulled me to him. The flowers tickled the back of my neck.

“I would definitely remember you, because there’s no way I could take my eyes off of you.”

Lips, so soft, caressed my neck. I felt the stubble of his 2-day old beard scraping, scratching against my skin as he worked his way down to my shoulder and then back up, nuzzling me. His tongue gently lapped at the back of my earlobe before he started sucking on it.

His hand had worked its way around my head and he cradled me just in time as I could no longer hold it upright.

He kept that up for, well, I don’t know how long. I didn’t care how long, I just wanted it to keep going. I was a complete puddle. Then it changed.

The caress of his nose alongside mine, the warmth of his breath on my cheek, the soft brush of his lips as he barely touched mine. Each pass I felt more, more of him, his scruff, his lips, his hands, until his tongue slipped between mine, taking advantage of my slackened jaw. Oh, he was taking complete advantage of me. And you would never hear me complain.

I had to help myself stay upright. Yeah, that’s what I told myself as I wrapped around his waist, my hands, having a mind of their own, splayed and worked their way up, under his shirt. I felt his warm skin and his muscles shifting and working as he pulled me closer, his tongue sliding against mine as he deepened the kiss. Kissing. kissing.  _kissing_...

I was maybe a moment or two away from backing myself up to the wall so I could feel all of him when he broke the kiss. I don’t know how, but I stopped myself from whimpering.

“I’d like to see you again.” His voice found it’s way into me and I had instant butterflies. And want, need,  _lust_...

“I would sure hope so after that.” I heard chuckling. I hadn’t yet opened my eyes.

“Aren’t you gonna look at me?”

“Can’t open my eyes right now. Think I’m asleep, in a lovely dream.”

“You dream about me?” That comment got me to open my eyes.

“That might, or might not be a topic on our next date. I’ll let you know.”

“How about lunch? I could pick you up around 1?” He sounded hopeful.

“That would be perfect.”

“I better go then. You can tell me about our dream tomorrow over lunch.”

“ _Our_  dream?”

“If I’m in it, then it’s ours.”


	2. Running Late

This time, Chris was punctual. I was the one who was late.

I hadn’t been able to decide what to wear. I’d made my mind up right as I heard a knock on the door and checked the time. Great. I hated, loathed being late.

I put my robe on and answered the door. I’d contemplated texting him to let him know I was running late, but after the first impression I’d left, well, I wanted to be a bit more accommodating this time.

“A bit more casual than I was expecting, but I can work with it. I just don’t know if the restaurant will be good with it.”

“I could put on some flip flops, call it a wrap dress, and no one could dispute it. Come on in. So sorry I’m running late. Please, have a seat. I’ll be out in a jif.”

I headed back to my bedroom and was glad I’d figured out what to wear. I’d settled on darkwashed jeans and a cornflower blue blouse. I headed into my bathroom to put on my makeup. His muscular frame lurking in the doorway let me know he was there before he said anything.

“Do you mind company while you finish getting ready?”

“No, not at all.” Strangely enough, I truly didn’t. “What’s weighing on your mind, Chris?”

He thought that one over a bit before answering.

“Nothing in particular. I just wanted to see you is all.”

“That’s not what your tone is telling me. Or your face. Come on. What’s up?”

“I’m just trying to figure out if we have enough time to do what I want to do today. Plus, I don’t know if you want to go.”

“Well it’s what, 1 now. By the time I’m done and we’re out the door it’ll be about 1:15ish. And then lunch is… where?”

“At a place up at The Grove called Umami Burger.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “Why there?”

“You certainly weren’t vegetarian last night.”

“No, sorry. Not ‘why” Umami. ‘Why’ The Grove?”

“What’s wrong with The Grove.”

“Honey, nothing’s wrong with The Grove. But it’s the place you go if you want to be seen. As in, you  _want_  your picture taken. You  _want_  paparazzi following you. You  _want_  fans asking for your autograph. Is that what you want?”

“Hell no. There’s a time and a place for that. And that is not when I’m on a date.” That sure made me feel special.

“Well, if you want a burger, there are several Umami’s around. But I don’t know where you wanted to go after.”

“It’s a surprise. But I don’t know how late they’re open.”

“Well, why don’t you reach into your  _pocket_  and take hold of your  _gadget_  and check that bad boy out. You know,  _Google_  it.”

Not the best time to start giggling: when I’m putting on mascara. My shoulders started shaking I was trying so hard to suppress my laughter.

“That sounded so dirty. I have no idea where that came from.” I bit my lip as tears threatened to stream down my face.

I heard chuckling as he did what I’d recommended. He found what he was looking for.

“Well, it’s open late enough, but I’d rather save it for next time.” Fluttering stomach alert! He was already thinking about our next time and making plans. I couldn’t look at him, lest my smile give me completely away. I decided to pipe up.

“May I make a suggestion?”

He looked up and answered in the affirmative.

“If you’re heart is set on Umami, there’s one down in Hermosa. There are tons of restaurants in Manhattan Beach, though, and there’s a place I want to take you. It’s a place I go periodically. Some pretty cool stuff there. You game?” I hoped he’d say yes.

“Sure, why not. And, if I end up hating it, I can hold it over your head for quite some time.”

This was going to be fun.

“That works for me. It’ll be no pressure. Get to know each other. And you can buy me that present you owe me.”

“Um, back that up? Since when do I owe you anything?”

He was too easy!  
“Oh please. You know you want to buy me something.”

His confused look was priceless. My laughter was boisterous. He joined in.

I turned, makeup done, and tried to get out of the bathroom. Chris didn’t move out of my way. “May I please pass?”

“May I have a kiss?” He offered his cheek.

I obliged him and at the last second, he turned and his lips intercepted mine.  _That man’s lips were made for kissing_. Plush and soft and just, ugh.  I finished with a little nibble on his lower lip and I heard a rumble. I made my way to my bedroom. “I’ll be right out.”

I wanted him a little off kilter for what he’d just done.

I closed the door but didn’t latch it. I knew it would pop back open and I ensured my back was turned. I got dressed: socks, jeans, and blouse. I truly didn’t know if Chris was there when the door opened just a bit, and I wanted to keep it that way. I put on my belt and then grabbed my boots If we were going to do some walking, I didn’t want to be wearing heels.

Purse in hand, I turned, slowly, giving Chris time to move in case he was there. If he was, he was extremely quiet. I don’t think he’d stuck around.  
I came out and joined him in the living room. He was looking at some of the pictures on the walls when he heard me and turned.

“Wow.” As his eyes took me in, I could tell his reaction was an honest one. That made my smile bigger.

“Are you ready?”

“Taz, you’re beautiful.” I love it when a man is so earnest in what he is saying that you have no doubts whatsoever.

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you.” He followed me to the door.

As I opened the door his hand shot over my shoulder, closing it before we could step out. I turned around to look at him, ready to inquire as to the problem. His hand came off the door and grabbed the back of my head. This was unexpected. And welcome.

“God, I couldn’t get you out of my mind last night. I got almost no sleep.” Now both his hands were on my face, tilting my head back. “Tell me it was the same for you, that I wasn’t alone.” There was an unexpected pleading tone.

Surprised, I shook my head, what little I could, before I could utter a word.

“No, you were most definitely  _not_  alone.” He held me so I had no choice but to look at him. Or close my eyes. That was the only other option available. But if I did that, I wasn’t sure that we’d leave, go get lunch. And I was  _hungry_. I needed sustenance if I was going to stay on my toes around this man.

I closed my eyes. He would feed me.

“Did you dream of me?” His lips tickled mine when he spoke. He’d leaned in even further.

“I don’t think it would technically qualify as a dream.” There was a pause as he pondered the meaning in that. Then it dawned on him.

“Oh  _fuck_. Don’t tell me you fantasized about me.”

I kept quiet and after a few beats he couldn’t contain himself.

“You’re not saying anything.” I felt that whisper more than I heard it.

“You said ‘don’t tell you’, so I’m not saying anything.”

I think I broke him. The sound that came out of him was not one I’d heard before. Animalistic. Desire. Pure. Unadulterated. Sex.

Unlike last night, this time, I did get to feel him. This time, he backed me the short distance it took for me to make contact with the door. I was a few inches shorter, having chosen not to wear heels. His fingers worked their way into my hair and, fisting a healthy portion, he pulled my head back so I was looking at him.

My eyes were on his, while his were on my lips. We were both trying to control our breathing, and failing miserably.

His eyes got bigger when the tip of my tongue came out to moisten my lips. He couldn’t control himself any longer. That was a good thing. ‘Cause neither could I.

We kissed. It was a good thing we were not in public. It’s not the kind of kissing you can do in public. This was not like last night.

We were a raging inferno.

He unclenched his fist and instead, reached down and grabbed my ass, hoisting me up. As he did, my legs wrapped around his waist, ankles locking behind his back as my arms went around his neck. It was much easier for me to be against the wall and look down rather than up. We continued the kiss, tongues desperate, getting in each other's way until I sucked his into my mouth, stroking it, caressing it with mine. I wasn’t going to let him go. I swallowed his groan as I felt him press against my core. Oh, god,  _hard as a rock. Fuck me._

Yes, that was exactly what I wanted.  _Fuck me_.

And I have one thing to say. Dry humping is soooo underrated.

And he was good, I mean  _really_  good at it. His hands never left my ass, massaging, kneading. He stroked my core with his very prominent erection. I circled my hips and his knees gave just a bit, one of his hands coming off my ass to brace against the wall. If we hadn’t had clothes on, he would’ve been deep inside of me.

I could’ve come from that, from his stroking, his grinding, had he applied any more pressure than he was. Had he gone any faster. But he didn’t. Instead, he kept me on edge. He kept both of us on edge until he finally broke the kiss. I didn’t recognize his voice.

“I wanna feel you.”

“What, you can’t feel me now?”

“I need you naked, Taz.”

Wow.  _Sublimation_. I swear I floated away on a breeze.

“No.”

“No?” He stopped all his rubbing and grinding, causing unhappy noises to come out of me.

“No. Wait. I don’t mean  _no_  no. I mean  _not yet_  no. I mean, I do want this, I’m just not quite ready for this. I don’t want to screw it up. I don’t want it just ‘cause it feels good. I want it ‘cause it’s right. I’m not gonna play games with you, Chris. I like you. Lots and lots, actually. I just, well, I don’t want to rush into anything prematurely. Does that make sense?”

He nodded and before he could say anything, I continued. I had to inject a bit of levity back into the situation since I’d caused the mood to go south so quickly.

“Besides. You need to work for me a little bit. I’m pretty damn fabulous, and I have a feeling you get things a bit too easily. I mean, let’s face it, you’re charming, and funny, and talented, and good looking. But that’s the surface you, the one that everyone has, that everyone gets to see. I want the real you, the you underneath all that. And I wanna feel like that’s the man who wants me. Not the man everyone else sees, but the one that only those closest to you see. Does this make sense? Is that something you can live with, or is it something you even want?”

I’d just laid it all on the line. Who the hell does that on the second date? Well, considering where we were going and how quickly we were going to get there? I’m the one who does that.

I’ve had my fair share of one-night stands. And I’ve had enough that’ve turned into real relationships to know it can happen. But I also know what happens if you play games. And while I wanted to play with Chris, I didn’t want to play games with him. Not those kind, anyway.

The question was, what did he want?


	3. A Little Piece of Home

I waited, patiently, for him to answer.

While I waited for him I chastised myself. I’d gone too far. I’d said too much. Sex was one thing. Trying to figure out if it was a relationship was something else.

If I could only give him space to think. Kinda hard with my legs in a vice around his waist and plastered to the wall. I did the only thing I could: I looked up instead of down. Maybe that’d give him room.

I felt his forehead on my sternum and his heated breath from every exhalation. His chest started to heave less and less.

“I’m just trying to suppress the urge I have to rip your clothes off and make love to you all day and night. It’s a pretty strong urge, as I’m sure you can tell.” He huffed a laugh before he tilted his head to look at me. “Look at me.” Tell me you wouldn’t do what Cap commanded. “I will wait, however long you need me to. You call the shots, babe. Well, until you give me the green light, that is. After that, you’re mine.”

Holy fucking… I. Um. I.

The smile he gave me, which had to have been in answer to whatever the look was on my face, made me want to give him the green light now.

I resisted that urge, though. I’d been serious about wanting to wait.

He loosened his grip, signaling he was going to let me down. I unhooked my ankles and lowered my legs as he set me back on my feet. I was very very grateful for the wall. I took two steadying breaths.

“Ready to go grab some lunch?” I sounded more stable than I felt. We headed out.

We had a good lunch at Rock’N Fish (holding hands the entire time, making me get all tingly) and then headed to the gallery I wanted to show him. I knew there were some cool photographs and some work by a local artist. I was pretty sure, and I was right, there was some east coast stuff as well. I thought it was possible Chris might be missing home, so I’d wanted him to see something that might make him feel a bit closer to it.

We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon, until closing, in his gallery. John was in, working that day, so we ended up talking and laughing and looking through everything in the gallery. I was happy to see Chris so enthusiastic. Granted, he could have been acting, but I didn’t think so.

At one point they had their heads together and any time I approached they stopped talking. Who knows what they were up to.

We headed out at closing time and made our way back to his car. It was a leisurely stroll back, our arms around each other. We did a bit of window shopping along the way. It really was just time to be together, enjoying each other’s company.

As it was Saturday evening traffic, it took some time for us to make it back to my place. We chatted in the car about nothing in particular. The whole time, he held my hand.

I was expecting him to just drop me off. I was sure he probably already had plans with friends for the evening. I was surprised when he parked and walked me to my door.

“Taz, I’d like to come in if that’s okay with you?”

I didn’t want the date to end. I’d had so much fun with him. “Sure, come on in.” I ushered him in and closed the door.

We just stood there and looked at each other for a moment. He grabbed my hand (still making me all tingly inside) and led me to the sofa.

“I think we need to stay away from walls. And doors.” He finished with a gorgeous smile as we sat down.

I’d gotten in the habit of biting my lip when he said something that referenced what we both wanted. He didn’t do it all that frequently. But there had been a few times during the day. I couldn’t seem to stop my new habit.

“I think that’d be a good idea, Chris. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Maybe later.” Oooo, promising. “What I do need, well, I’m going to need some ground rules.”

“Ground rules. Help me understand. Whadaya mean?”

“Confession time.” Uh oh. “All day, I could only think of one thing. Wanna guess what that was?” Things suddenly got very close. Very intimate. Coulda been from his voice going so low and soft. Maybe that.

“No. I don’t wanna guess.”

“Come oooooon.”

“I don’t wanna embarrass myself.” Nervous laughter escaped me.

“Babe, not possible. Come on, guess. You know you want to.”

I’d never ever liked it when anyone called me ‘Babe’. I went all ooey gooey inside when Chris did it.

“Fine. Does it have anything to do with the last time we were in my house?”

“Maaaaybe.”

“Seriously. You make me guess and then you pull that crap? So not nice. There goes your reputation.”

“Well, if my reputation’s on the line," the sarcasm was on full display, "then yeah. It has everything to do with the last time we were here. And when I had you pressed up against that wall. And the feel of your body wrapped around mine. And what I told you I wanted.”

“If I recall, you actually said it was a need.”

“Yeah, and it still is.”

“But I told-”

“I know, don’t worry. No pressure. Doesn’t mean it isn’t still a need, though.”

“That’s fair.”

I was at a loss for words, which was okay since, apparently, he was the one with the ideas.

“I want us to talk about, and come to an agreement, on what kind of touching is not allowed. I need to know your boundaries, and you need to know mine. Otherwise, we could find ourselves like we did earlier today.”

“That sounds very reasonable and pragmatic, Chris.” I was trying to use big words, get myself out of my brain, preoccupied by memories of what we’d done earlier, by having to think about big words. Wasn’t working.

“Okay, ladies first. Always. That’s a rule I live by.”

Now that is a promising sounding rule.

“Okay, I’ve got a couple. First. There will be no undressing the other person. That means no unbuttoning of buttons. No unzipping of zippers. No unfastening of fasteners of any kind. That also means, no taking clothes off the body even if the other person undid all the buttons, or whatever.”

“What if there’s an emergency.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Stupid grin on his face. I wanted to kiss it off of him.

“What if there’s an emergency.

“You’re anticipating an emergency need to undress me?” I started to laugh. And I couldn’t stop.

“It could happen.” He tried to make it sound convincing. That didn’t help his case, or my laughter.

It took a bit for me to get my laughter under control. “If it’s an emergency, then rules go out the window.”

“Well, then in that case-”

“NO. Don’t even. Just don’t.” I knew where he was going. When I finally got myself under control, I moved on.

“Next rule. No touching skin that’s not exposed. And no putting hands under the clothing. So no untucking of a shirt and hands searching out skin.”

“Like you did to me last night, if I recall correctly. And I recalled it over, and over, and over.” With each ‘over’, his voice dropped and his speech slowed. If I wasn’t careful I’d start squirming.

I looked down at the invisible lint on my shirt. “You’re right, I did do that. So I won’t be doing that again. Well, not until, well, yeah, then.”

“What about touching on top of the clothing? What’s not allowed?”

I looked up at him, confused. “On top? Why would it not be allowed on top?”

He laughed until he realized I actually didn’t get it. Yes, I can easily be a total dork.

“Oh, this is too good. Come here.” He pulled me onto his lap, my back against his chest. He leaned back and pulled me with him. “I promise, touching only on top of the clothes. Unless there’s exposed skin. Like here.” His lips found my neck and he gently, oh so gently, suckled. Light enough so there’d be no mark. I had no leverage and needed to push back into him. My feet couldn’t find the floor, just the very tips of my toes. He could tell what I was trying to do so he helped me out by putting his arms around my waist and pulling me to him. That was more like it.

And it helped him with his demonstration. His hands found the insides of my thighs and he stroked towards my core, caressing along the way. He cupped me and massaged me with one hand and began fondling a breast with another and I couldn’t help my movements and the sounds coming out of me and how desperate I sounded and when I realized what was happening I sat up and quickly moved off his lap.

I couldn’t look at him.

“Don’t. Taz, don’t do that. Please look at me.” He put his finger under my chin and lifted, slowly, until I stopped resisting and looked up at him. “Baby, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“But I’m the one who stopped us earlier and then that and you must think I’m such a hypocrite.” He still wouldn’t let me look away.

“Taz. No shame. Just because you stopped us before doesn’t mean that you didn’t like it.”

“But-” I tried to interrupt him but he wasn’t having it.

“No buts. Now what’s the rule about touching on the outside of clothes?”

I couldn’t help my smile. “I stand by my earlier call. No ruling. But, if either of us says stop, then we gotta stop.”

“But what if you say ‘don’t stop’, what am I supposed to do? Stop or continue?”

“Mmm,” I was interested in seeing what his reaction was going to be to the next words that were going to come out of my mouth. “Safeword time?”

Instant and piqued curiosity. “You have one?”

“Yes. You?”

“No, never needed it. What is it?” He was entirely too excited.

“Gin.”

“Ah, makes sense.”

“You know why my safeword is gin?” No possible way.

“Yeah, you hate the stuff.”

“How do you know I hate that stuff?”

“Who do you think screwed with your order last night?”

“That was you? You actually screwed with my order? Why’d you do that?” I wasn’t hitting him. I don’t believe in violence. I was play hitting. You know, the kind you do when you’re flirting. And he was enjoying it.

“I wanted to see how you handled an incorrect order. See how you treated the waiter.”

“It was a fucking test? Asshole!” I couldn’t help laughing. And hitting some more.

“Yeah, you passed with flying colors.”

“I can’t believe you did that to me. But you didn’t know I didn’t like gin.”

“Yeah, I did. Kristi told me.”

“Oh god, I give up. You win.”

It looked like he was contemplating something. “Do me a favor?”

“Sure, if I can.”

“Stand up.”

“Excuse me?” What was that?

“Come on, be my good girl and stand up.” Hassafassafuckme. _His_ good girl? Okay.

I got up and he led me to stand in front of him. He sat up and positioned me just how he wanted me standing: flush against the sofa, one leg on either side of his knees. As he sat back, he pulled on my hands. I wasn’t sure what he wanted so I didn’t move. He sat back up, looked up at me and smiled, his hands on my back. He ran his hands down my ass, pausing a bit to caress, until he sat back and his hands continued traveling south. He got to my thighs and pulled. I was, very quickly, straddling his lap.

We started out simply looking into each other’s eyes. If I knew him better, I’d know what he was thinking. That would hopefully come later, with time. He still looked like he was thinking about something that he hadn’t made up his mind about.Then suddenly he had. He raised his hand to my face. His fingers played with my lips. The tight control I’d always had on myself and had been so proud of was quickly coming unraveled.

“I wanna hear you lose control. Just once. You know I’m gonna be thinking about you when I take care of myself until we’re together. If I can’t know what you taste like, what you feel like, I gotta know what you sound like. Oh god, please.”

He’d already started rubbing me through my jeans. I had zero willpower with him. Zip. Zilch. Nada. It felt so damned good, and it was gonna happen so fucking fast. I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t.

I did. God help me, I gave in.

I’d been on edge for almost 24 hours. Even though I’d taken care of business last night after Chris had left, it didn’t decrease the want, the level of need I had for him. It only increased it.

I tried leaning my head on his shoulder, but he wouldn’t have it.

“Baby, I need to see your face as you come. Don’t hide from me. And don’t try to hold back. I really wanna hear you.”

Tunnel vision. Eyes locked. One hand on my neck. The other between my thighs. I was holding onto his sides for dear life. I’m normally pretty vocal. I think it’s a good thing for the guy to know what’s going on, that what he’s doing is working for me. I wasn’t going to be stingy with Chris.

“I am so close, Chris.”

“I’ve barely touched you.”

“Barely, fuck. You’ve been touching and tormenting me for hours.” He slowed his hand, his fingers, and he backed off the pressure, too.

“Why’d you do that?” I was whining. I know I was. I’d do it again. The whining, I mean.

“I don’t want this over before I’ve been able to enjoy it.”

I tried to rock my hips against him. He didn’t want that. He tried to hold me still, his arm having moved to my waist. But I could still move.

“Stop moving.” He took control, took over. Shades of what was to come. I stopped moving as best as I could. His fingers touching and rubbing and teasing and ohmygod I wanted to move. I resisted, I wouldn’t.

“Harder, please?”

“No.”

“NO?”

His chuckle was going to be the death of me.

“Not no as in ‘no’, but as in ‘not yet’.”

“Chris, please don’t make me wait. Please make me come.”

“Oh fuck, baby. Say that again.” Hoarse, his command was whispered against my lips.

“Chris, please, please make me come.”

I guess he couldn’t resist that. I tucked that bit of knowledge away for future reference.

He quickened his pace, applied more pressure, and then suddenly my body turned the corner.

“There you are. There’s my girl.” There must have been a change on my face, making it apparent that my orgasm was right around the corner. His hand, the one not busy between my legs, was back in my hair, holding my head in place as I climbed, climbed-

“Oh, rightthererightthererightthere yeeeeeeees oooooooh fuck don’t stop don’t stop  oooooooh.” My body spasmed quite hard and he pulled me closer

I started coming down. “Yes, oh god yes, fuck baby.” I started trembling I was shaking so hard. “Damn that was good.”

At the end of my descent I blinked a few times and I was able to focus on his face. He pulled me the few inches to him so he could kiss me. What he didn’t know: I tend to get very affectionate after. He learned that lesson quickly as he batted my hands away, laughing.

“No, no way Taz. You are not returning the favor.”

I pouted. At which point he started sucking on my bottom lip. And we went right back to kissing. It was a great makeout session with just the teensiest bit of grinding going on. We finally came up for air. It was much darker outside than when we’d started. His voice broke through my thoughts.

“That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Stop, that can’t be.”

“Fuck yeah it was. You, my dear, are incredibly beautiful when you come, getting all flushed and your eyes glazed and the look of sheer ecstasy.” Pretty sure I was blushing as he tucked some hair behind my ear. “And one more thing? You smell delicious. I know I need to develop a case of serious patience, but damn I’m gonna love feasting on you. Come here.”

I have to say, Chris is a great cuddler.

We ended up ordering Chinese a couple hours later and watched several Hitchcock films I had on TiVo. We fell asleep on the sofa and woke around 2 a.m. He carried me in to bed. We both stripped down to our underwear and crawled in.

I love spooning.


	4. Heaven

I woke the next morning to gentle kisses on the back of my neck. We were still spooning and I’m not sure if either of us moved at all during the night. His arms were still wrapped around me. He wasn’t going to let me go anywhere, not without him knowing it. It was not the way I wanted to start my day. Wait, no, strike that, that’s not right. It was the way I wanted to start the day. Start  _every_  day as a matter of fact, but I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to get out of bed. Ever. And not if I wanted to stick to the decision I’d made the day before and then “broke” only a few hours later (yeah, I was trying to fool myself - I was using air quotes in my own head). Not my finest moment, but it was a moment of weakness. I had to learn to be stronger around him. I took a deep breath and stretched without moving.

“Mmmmorning.”

“Morning gorgeous.” Okay, that’s the way every woman should start her day. He went back to kissing me and I stayed in the moment, not wanting to break the intimacy.

It was so quiet, I couldn’t help but whisper. “That feels so good. I could stay here all day, right like this.” I hugged his arms around me and felt his fingers clench my sides, just a little.

“That’s the plan, sweetness.” If only.

“I don’t think so.”

I felt his chin on my shoulder.

“Why, you have plans today?”

“Well, no.”

He went back to kissing me.

“You do now.”

I groaned and he chuckled.

“Chris, we cannot do this all day.”

“Give me a reason why not.”

He was purposefully making this hard for me. Especially since he’d just started scraping his stubble over my skin and then licking and kissing it better. I couldn’t formulate a thought, let alone an answer. I don’t know how long this went on, but I reeeeealy didn’t want it to stop.

“Come on, Taz, give me a reason why not.”

I felt like I was in a dream. I’m sure I sounded like it, too.

“Becaaaaause, eventually I’d be, mmmmm, taking off my underwear and, you’d, oh, be, ooooh, you’d be taking off yours and, and we’d be making love.”

“I said give me a reason why not. You just described heaven.”

I did my best to ignore the fire I felt coursing through my veins. It was becoming really difficult.

“What about the discussion we had yesterday?”

“I don’t recall a discussion.” That comment took me out of my stupor.

“You said you’d wait, that I’d call the shots until I’m ready.”

“If I recall, that wasn’t a discussion we had, and that was me being supportive.”

“So what, you’re not gonna be supportive anymore?”

He paused, obviously trying to dig himself out of the hole he was excavating. He raised up just enough to talk into my ear. His lips teased and caressed me as he spoke. His tongue wanted in on the action, too.

"You sure seemed ready last night when you were straddling me and I was rubbing your pussy. When you begged me ‘please make me come, please please make me come’. You’re really gorgeous when you come, you know that?” Teeth tugged my earlobe. He made me shiver.

Damn it, the man’s not playing fair.

“Nooooooooooo, that’s not necessarily me being ready. That’s just me following my hormones. Chris, right now this is all just hormones.”

“But my hormones really like your hormones.”

My body started shaking with unsupressed laughter. I couldn’t get the words out right away. And then, finally, I got myself under control.

“I like that, ‘my hormones really like your hormones’. Mine like yours, too.” It was time to look him in the eye.

“Wait, where’re you going?”

“I’m turning over so I can see you.”

“You sure you wanna do that? The kissing’ll definitely continue.”

“Promises, promises.”

“No, sweetness, that’s a fact.”

“Mmmhmm, we’ll see.” He finally relaxed his arms enough that I was able to turn over.

Once we settled, we couldn’t help but just examine each other, pay attention to every little muscle twitch, every attempt to hide an emotion. All while desperately attempting not to look at each other’s mouths, and utterly failing. There was no rush. We didn’t have to be anywhere, no reservations, no friends expecting us to be anywhere. We could just get comfortable in each other’s arms.

I don’t think Chris is the kind of person who can be still, not if he has an objective on his mind. Most guys I know are like that. It was apparent he wanted to say something, but he held back. Was it going to be that bad? Did my breath stink that much?

I’d noticed, he had this thing about wanting to touch me. And he did it again. This time, his index finger took a specific path, from the tip of my nose to my chin. He did this several times, each time pulling my lower lip along for the ride. He’d had enough when he dipped his nose under my chin and used it to nudge my head back, exposing my neck to him. I tilted my head even further than he had nudged, wanting him to have plenty of room to explore.

Nothing too harsh, he nuzzled, his chin and cheek making extensive contact and his lips and tongue following up to soothe the chafed skin. I lost myself in the sensations he was creating. But everything felt very one-sided. It felt like all I was doing was taking, that I wasn’t giving. I don’t like that.

At the same time, though, I didn’t want him to stop. I don’t think he would’ve, anyway. Based on last night, he didn’t want me to do anything to him yet. He probably wanted to wait until the floodgates were opened. That made sense.

In the meantime, I could at least touch him. Well, I was touching him. What I wanted was for him to feel me.

I loosened my grip and started to run my fingertips across his back. He liked it, if his exclamation of “yes, sweetness, yes” against the hollow of my throat was any indication. Then I felt his teeth, pulling my flesh into his mouth, teeth raking over my skin as he pulled back.

“Fuck.” I was getting close to wanting so much more from him. I sidetracked myself by moving my other hand south. Chris had the most gorgeous ass. I mean, seriously gorgeous, and I needed to feel it. He let my hand massage and knead for about 30 seconds before he pulled away.

“Sweetness, I need you to stop that. Unless you’re ready to get rid of the rules.”

I got myself under control quickly and moved my hand up his back. I stopped my caressing and he saw the change on my face but didn’t understand what was going on in my head. His puzzlement was obvious.

“Look, I find you to be very attractive, some might even say handsome, but I really want this to be about something more than just a physical thing. I think it’s a safe bet to say that the physical’s gonna be good between us. Wouldn’t you agree?”

He regarded me, quite the confident smile on his face. Yes, he agreed. He agreed so much that he rolled us so now I was on my back. As he was heavier, something about all that muscle he’d developed, I believe, my body reacted. My legs came out from under him and he settled in, one of my feet slung over the back of his thigh.

He made my point for me when he kissed all the air out of my lungs.

When he finally gave me a chance to catch my breath, he clarified something for me.

“I will absolutely continue to be supportive. I agree: I want something more than physical, too. I simply already know there’s more. I’m gonna try to convince you of that.” He took time to let that sink in. He wiped some hair from my face. He was so gentle in his caress. His eyes never left mine. I was waiting for him to crack a smile, or, in some other way, let me know he was joking. That didn’t happen.

He wasn’t.

I guess being an actor teaches them something, something about reading other people, or listening to them. Something like that. Just after I realized he wasn’t joking, that’s when he continued.

“I will try to convince you.” His fingers had been tracing patterns on my skin. He moved them to my lips as he spoke. “But I will not trick you.” His thumb worked its way back and forth. “I will not belittle or berate or demean or overpower you in any way. I will try to, well, my grandma always called it ‘sweet-talking’.” His thumb worked its way into my mouth, and I couldn’t help but wrap my tongue around it. He quirked an eyebrow. “I will pour on the charm. But you will have to tell me it’s what you want. You will have to use words.” I’d pulled his thumb into my mouth and was sucking on it, massaging the pad with my tongue, watching as his breathing became a bit labored. “You will have to tell me that you know there’s more to us, and that you want to make love. We will not, until you tell me.” He pulled his thumb out. Now. Now he started to pull out the stops. He started kissing me. A couple of quick pecks before he lingered, his full lips tempting mine. He stopped when he continued.

“We could be lying just like this, but naked.” Returning to that kiss, he reached down and grabbed first one hand, then the other, and stretched them out above me. He barely disengaged, lips still heavily resting on mine as he continued. “I could be completely hard and you, stroking me, could be telling me just how much you want me, begging me to make you come,” his tongue flicked out and tickled my top lip, “begging me to fuck you.” He did it again. “But until you tell me you know there’s more, that you wanna make love, we will not. I will not. You have my word.”

He plundered my mouth, taking all that he wanted. And I gave everything I had.


	5. Control

Before he left Sunday night, Chris secured our next  _two_  dates. Not just one. Friday was going to be simple: dinner and a movie. Saturday, though, was going to be a most of the day thing. He wouldn’t tell me where he was taking me. He would only tell me to be prepared to wear comfortable shoes, that we’d do a lot of walking. No matter what I tried, and I tried a number of things, he wouldn’t budge, he wouldn’t tell me.

We texted and talked throughout the week. He’d see something funny that would remind him of me and send me a picture of it. No explanation was normally needed, I knew why he’d sent it.

Thursday night we talked for a long time. He’d called under the pretense of needing some assistance with something that he was perfectly capable of handling himself. He kept me on the phone for a while before we got into it on the merits of baseball. I’m just not a huge fan of it and he was having a real hard time with that. Especially since we could talk about most other sports. I’d been known to watch football (pro, preferably) and don’t come between me and my television set when it comes to March Madness if you’re overly fond of your head being attached to your body. But baseball? Pffft.

I think he might have contemplated breaking it off. Probably for about half a nanosecond, but I’m pretty sure he contemplated it. Pretty sure. That actually made him more real to me.

Then he abruptly changed the subject. I always knew when he was going to say something or refer to something sexy. It was the whole voice drop of at least half an octave and slowed speech, Chris drawing out his words which drew me in.

“You know, as much as I want to make love to you, I have to say, I loved our time together Sunday. I quite enjoyed waking you up. Would you like that to happen again? Me waking you up in the morning like that, arms wrapped around you, kissing, nuzzling, tasting you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve closed my eyes this week and I’m right back there. Would you like that?”

I couldn’t answer him. He’d taken me right back to that moment when I woke up. Goosebumps galore broke out.

All of a sudden, I got a request to switch the call to FaceTime. I pondered for a few seconds before accepting. I could see his face. Such a nice face.

“I want you to do me a favor. Go lay down on your bed.” He laughed at the look I gave him. “No funny business, just go into your bedroom.”

I walked to my bedroom. “Okay, I’m in my bedroom. I’m not laying down, though. I’m still in my work clothes.”

“That’s okay. I want you to get ready for bed.”

“Why?”

“I want to tuck you in. I want to be the last thing you think about, the last thing you see before you go to sleep. I’d prefer to be the first thing you see in the morning, but that’ll come in time.”

I hesitated. Was he for real?

“Sweetness, you’ve been yawning for the last half hour. You know you’re tired. And I hear you have a hot date tomorrow night. You want to be well rested for him, don’t you?”

He was giving me that look. The one that made my insides all melty.

“Fine. I’ll get ready for bed. I gotta go lock up. I’ll just leave you here.” I set the phone down on my dresser and went out, shutting down the lights and stereo, checking the lock on the front door.

When I got back to the bedroom, I brushed my teeth and then got undressed. I was down to my bra and panties when I realized I had a bit of a dilemma. If he was going to tuck me in, then I’d probably end up falling asleep while on the phone with him. But I don’t wear pajamas. Hmmm.

“What’s the holdup, Sweetness?”

“Ummm”

“What, no clean PJs?”

“No, I don’t have any PJs.”

“Oh, you don’t. What, sleep in a t-shirt?” He started chuckling. “Or do you sleep naked?”

I didn’t answer him. It had become our thing: when he found out something that revved him up and he asked me the question (don’t tell me you fantasized about me,  _you_ kissed a girl), I wouldn’t answer him.

“But last Saturday, you were in-”

“And I wasn’t alone. And we aren’t, yet. When we do, I’ll just be naked, probably.”

Now it was his turn to be quiet.

“Chris?”

“Yes, Sweetness?”

“You okay there?”

“Yeah, that was just a lot of information for me to process in one sentence.”

I liked it when I had him like this. More often than not he had me, but this was fun.

“What is it you’re having a hard time with?”

“Lots of things are giving me a very hard time right now.” I knew what he meant. “You said when, ‘when we do’.”

“Yes, eventually we will.”

“What will we do, Sweetness?”

“Oh, you know.”

“I want you to tell me. I want details.”

“How about I get into bed first?”

“How about you do that.”

“Why don’t I set you down so I can take off-” I was immediately interrupted.

“No! No, don’t take off your bra and panties. I want you to leave those on. You know what? Tomorrow, I’m bringing one of my t-shirts to you. I want you to sleep in it from now on. Well, until you stop the need for the rules.”

“But I prefer sleeping naked. It just feels better.”

“I know. Here’s the thing. If I can’t be in you, then I wanna be on you. Seriously, I really wanna be the last thing you think about at night and the first in the morning. I want you to think about me all day. Ooo, now  _that_  gives me an idea. Now get into bed.”

I did, and then I couldn’t figure out how to deal with laying down and the phone and the lighting.

“Try turning out your light. Well that’s not gonna work. I can’t see your gorgeous face. Tell you what, turn on the light in your bathroom and close it most of the way.”

I tried that and it worked. Now, I needed to figure out what to do with the phone. Lucky for me, Chris had already figured that one out.

“Sweetness, lie down, no, your other side. Yeah, just like Sunday. Now prop the phone up against the pillow. There we go, perfect. Now I can see you and we can talk until you fall asleep. Now, where were we?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.” I knew damn good and well where we had been. I was hoping he couldn’t remember.

“Taz, you know exactly what we were talking about. What happens when the rules go away.”

“Well, if memory serves, you said that I call the shots until then. When they go away, or, wait, what was it you said? Oh yea, that’s right, when I give the green light. When I give the green light, I’m yours. Sounds to me like you’ll be calling the shots. I won’t have much say.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Hm.” I already knew, but why show him so quickly?

“Do you have a problem with it?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, there’s a certain amount of appeal.”

“What do you find appealing about it?”

“Um, not making decisions, that’s appealing. Giving up control, that’s appealing.” How had we gotten onto this topic?

“You like the idea of giving up control?” Chris's voice took on that smooth love-song-baritone-he-is-all-man voice, you know the one I mean. You know, like that part in his movie, What’s Your Number?  _You_  know the part I mean. The part where you fell in love with him because of his voice and  _that look_. I think that voice was truth serum.

“Yeah. I, um, I do like the idea of giving up control.” I found it to be very liberating to say that out loud. Wow.

“What about it appeals to you?” Okay, I can do this. I can do this.

“Well, I’m in control everywhere I go. All my friends look to me to set the direction, the boundaries, everything. They look to me to make the plans. And I do all this for work. It’s what I get paid to do for my clients. I’d just like to have a place in my life where I’m not expected to be the leader, the one in charge. It would just be nice to be able to lean on someone else for a change.”

It had been going on for so long, I’d never expected anything from anyone. Any support. My last boyfriend had definitely not been a ‘take charge’ kinda guy. This hit a little too close to home and I closed my eyes, trying to will the pain away.

“No, Sweetness, no Taz, don’t close your eyes. Look at me. Please, baby, please look at me.” He sounded like he was getting concerned.

I needed a moment, so I turned over.

“Taz! Please, baby don’t shut me out. If you don’t turn back over then I’m getting in my car and coming over.” Crap, I knew he’d do it. I wiped away the few tears that had fallen before I rolled over.

“I wish I was there right now. You know I’m here for you. If you ever need help, call me. As long as I’m not in the middle of filming, I’ll always take your call. Baby, I’ll do that for you. I’ll be that for you. We’ll talk about it. We’ll make it work. You’ll get what you need from me, a safe place. Okay?”

“Give me just a second, okay? I just need-” I put my hands up in front of my face. I needed a moment to gather myself. This was too much to hope for. If he didn’t follow through on this, I’d be a wreck. “Can we just talk about this tomorrow, when you’re here? Please? I don’t want, I don’t want to get into it on the phone.” I finally lowered my hands. “Please, tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow it is. You call the shots. For now.” He made me feel a little better. “I’ll take care of you.”

“Okay.” I still felt a little shaky. I was surprised at the extent of my emotion. He’d obviously tapped into something I didn’t realize was going on.

The conversation was mostly one-sided for the rest of the night, but that was what I wanted. He talked about a lot of things, some sports, some work, some Boston. I let him talk, hoping his voice would soothe me to sleep. It worked.

When I woke the next morning, I saw the call had lasted close to 6 hours. I was pretty sure I fell asleep quickly, so I wondered why the call was at least an hour longer than it should have been. I’d try to remember to ask him that when I saw him that night.

I texted him with a question about when he’d be picking me up. We'd previously talked about 7:30. He asked for 6, since we had the things we wanted to discuss. It put a smile on my face, knowing he’d taken the conversation seriously.

There were lots of little things that were telling me that we were definitely more than a physical thing. I wondered how many more I’d need before I was convinced of it.


	6. Unwinding

I got through my workday okay. I was distracted for most of it, wondering what our discussion was going to be. Obviously, I’d never talked about this with anyone. Hell, I hadn’t even fully realized what was in my head until it came spilling out of me last night. Chris had been so supportive and so wonderful.

And he’d been honest Sunday. It had been all sweet-talking that he’d been doing, only the gentlest of pressure to show me I should be realizing that there was more to us. Memories of Sunday kept me company throughout the day and kept me safe from my own head.

A last minute call from my biggest client kept me at work later than I’d wanted. I sent Chris a text when I realized I wouldn’t get home before 6. He responded back, letting me know he was out running some errands and would be by whenever I let him know I was home. His response put a smile on my face.

I was only 20 minutes late getting home, and Chris was already there. He got out of his car when I drove up and was there to open my door for me. I was so happy to see him in person. I noticed the shopping bag he was carrying, but didn't say anything. I didn't want to delay getting inside. While I have no problems with PDA, I knew it would pretty quickly escalate into PG13-rated territory and there are young kids, under 10, in the neighborhood. Chris gave me a quick peck on the cheek before getting my bag from the back seat. He knew what was up. He carried it inside for me. Quite the gentleman.

“I know we talked almost every day, but I really missed you, Taz.”

I looked back at him as I walked up to my front door and saw that sexy little grin that he does, the one where his head is tilted down and he’s looking up at you. I couldn’t help but smile back.

We got in the door and yep, PG13-rated kissing ensued. Neither of us wanted to stop, but we had a conversation to have before heading out to dinner. While I wanted to put it off, Chris wanted to discuss. I decided to follow his lead and didn’t pout, too much, when we stopped kissing. I grabbed a couple of waters from the kitchen and handed one to Chris.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me what’s in the bag?”

“I figured you’d tell me if you wanted me to know.”

“I don’t want to tell you. I want you to see for yourself. It’s all for you.”

“For me? Why?”

“Open it first, then I’ll tell you why.”

He took my hand and led me to my sofa. When I sat down, he set the bag on my lap and sat next to me.

The first thing I pulled out was the most gorgeous and soft grey blanket. I ran my hands over it before unfolding it. It was quite large. I looked over at Chris.

“Keep going, there’s more.”

I felt some bags inside and pulled them out and started laughing. Sea Salt and Vinegar and Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar chips. How did he know?

“How-”

“No, no no, there’s more. Pull everything out.”

I pulled item after item out. All my favorites. There was some really good Earl Grey tea, a tin of the absolutely best cocoa in the world, a couple of mugs, along with my favorite Sumatra coffee. Next, popcorn kernels and tied to it with ribbon, yummy truffle salt. I got a big smile with that one. And there was a heavier paper bag inside as well. I hadn’t been able to find Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip ice cream in a while, and he’d found it. Where had he found it? And last, but certainly not least, my absolute favorite movie in the whole world: Shawshank Redemption. I had all my favorites lined up on the coffee table except for the blanket. It was still on my lap.

“I don’t understand, Chris. What’s all this?” I continued to look at my coffee table as he started to talk.

“Taz, I pay attention to you, to what you say. I want you to know that not only do I hear you, but I listen to you and I understand you.” He reached out and nudged my chin, getting me to look at him as he continued. “I am here for you. I want to be the person you can count on, the one who has your back, the one you can lean on, the one who will protect you. I want to be that for you. I want to be your safe place.”

My legs were knocked out from under me. Figuratively, anyway. I lost my words. They weren’t coming back anytime soon, either. The only words running through my head: how and why?

“When I’m not here, when we’re apart: I want you to think of me when you have this blanket wrapped around you.” He took it off my lap and wrapped it around my shoulders and then pulled me onto his lap. Chris really gives the best hugs. I was completely wrapped up in his arms and I didn’t want him to let me go.

“Anytime you need me and I’m not here, I want you to think of right now, me holding you, or last Sunday and how I had my arms wrapped around you all day. I want you to put this blanket around your shoulders and know that I’m thinking of you, wishing I was here and holding you.”

By now, tears were falling. It wasn’t sadness. Not at all. It was relief. I knew I could trust him, count on him. I knew it in my gut, and my gut was never wrong. I could lay my burdens at his feet and he wouldn’t run, or even walk in the other direction. He’d pick them up and carry them as if they were his own. Who was this man, that he wanted to do this for me? What was I to him?

He kept hugging me, long after most people would have stopped. He knew what I needed.  _How could he know_? His hand was gently soothing me, rubbing my back, letting me know he was there, that he had me. I was overwhelmed. He didn’t shush me, he didn’t try to rush me, he let me have the time I needed for whatever this was.

It was a few minutes later when I finally pulled back. I was a little embarrassed by the rather emotional display and couldn’t look him in the eye. I finally had my words back. It was still hard to say. It’s always hard to ask the question when you fear the answer isn’t going to be what you want it to be.

“Why?”

He wouldn’t let me get away with avoiding him. Just like when we were together on Saturday, he held my head in his hands and forced me to look at him. “Because it’s what you need, and I want to give you everything you need, everything you want.”

“But why, Chris?”

“You know why. You can feel it, I know you can. There’s something special here, between us, and I really like the feeling I have when I’m with you. I don’t want that feeling to end.”

I love that he had so many different kisses, and he always seemed to know which one I needed at any given moment. And he was spot on with this one. Slow, soft, gentle. He kept the kiss at this pace for what felt like forever and it was heaven.

I felt one of his hands move to the back of my head and that was when I completely melted. Instant putty. That was also when the kiss turned, became far more about the passion and desire we had for each other. The want. The need: I needed him, so desperately. We both felt the change, and we gave into the passion for a bit.

The urge to rip the clothes off his body was pretty much always present. But when it started to become the overwhelming thought in my head I pulled back, broke the kiss. I rested my forehead against his shoulder and took a moment to collect myself. When I finally looked up at him, I saw concern that turned into-

No. That’s crazy. We haven’t known each other long enough. Distract myself, yeah, that’s what I needed to do.

“I should go get ready if we’re going to get dinner before the movie. What movie are we going to see?”

“I thought we’d decide when we get there. Are you in the mood for anything in particular?”

“No, not really. I just don’t want to have to read my movie tonight.”

“That I can get behind.” He helped me up off his lap. “Go get ready and we’ll head out. Sushi sound good?”

“Sushi sounds fabulous.”

I took a look at myself in my bathroom mirror and groaned. After that fine performance, I was going to need to wash my face, which meant a shower. I put my hair up and headed to my closet to hang up my suit. I wanted to let him know of the delay.

“Hey, Chris, I’m gonna take a real quick shower. I want to freshen up and put the day behind me. Won’t take long.”

It took me no more than about five minutes to feel completely refreshed, lotions and potions slathered onto my face and body, I headed out to figure out what to wear. When I walked into my bedroom, I was greeted with clothes on my bed. Apparently, Chris had been going through my things. I felt his arms slide around my waist as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

“It’s just a suggestion. I thought I might help. Oh, but Sweetness, one thing. The lingerie? Not a suggestion. Blue is my favorite color and I want to know what you’re wearing underneath so I don’t try to undress you to find out.” He punctuated that statement with a kiss to my favorite spot and I had to grab on to stay vertical. Chuckling, he bit me, not hard enough to leave a mark for too long, but when I checked in the mirror as I was putting on my makeup, it was red.

I had a sneaky thought just as I was about to put on the jeans. I donned my robe and headed out. Chris, reading emails or doing something on his phone on the sofa, looked up when he heard me come in.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I got to thinking. Just knowing what was under my clothes probably wouldn’t suffice. You’d still wonder what it looked like, right? Thought I’d solve that for you.” I slipped my robe off my shoulders, paused, turned, and sauntered my way back to my bedroom. I heard him scramble to follow and shouted “no need to get up, I’ll be out in 2”. That stopped him in his tracks.

I finished getting dressed but noticed he hadn’t chosen shoes for me. I put on my favorite black boots and was ready to go.

Before heading out, Chris stopped me and, with a tissue, wiped my lips.

“What’s up?”

A few minutes of a very thorough kiss later, including the use of a wall and some questionable groping (on both our parts), he answered.

“You need to fix your lipstick.”

Dinner was good. We rushed through so we could make it to the theater. We found a showing of a movie we could both agree on and headed over. I was pretty sure why Chris had kept coming back to this one, and it was confirmed when we took our seats in the back. It was virtually empty. We raised the armrest between us, and I raised the one to the other side of me so I could get really comfortable.

Neither of us saw the movie. It was the perfect setting to feel like we were getting away with something. There’s a British term I really like. Snogging. And if you count the previews and the end credits, it was close to two hours of snogging. I know I had an excellent case of beard burn on my neck. Pretty sure I left my mark with a love bite or two.

He got us back to my place in record time and walked me to my door. He didn’t follow me in, though, when I opened it.

“Don’t you want to come in?”

“Do I want to come in? Yes. Will I? No. I need to go back to my place. I need to change my clothes for tomorrow. I’ll be here at 11? That works for you?”

“Yes, that works. Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise. If you have a camera, bring it. And wear comfortable shoes you can walk in. We’ll be standing for most of the day.”

“You’re really not going to tell me?”

He gave me a quick kiss instead.

“See you tomorrow, Sweetness.”

When I was ready and turned down the covers on my bed, I found a present on my pillow. There was a note.

“Remember, you need to wear this to bed tonight. C.”

I crawled into bed wearing Chris’s t-shirt and had the most marvelous night’s sleep in I don’t even know how long. I think I fell asleep with a smile on my face.


	7. Surprise

I woke earlier than my alarm, ready for this surprise that Chris had in store for me. Breakfast, shower, and hair done, I was back in front of my closet. Today was going to be a special day. I could just feel it.

A knock on the door had me checking the time. I’d vowed I wouldn’t be late this time. It was still too early for Chris. Probably a neighborhood kid trying to get me to sponsor them. I decided not to answer the door. Another knock and I still ignored them. The kids had been getting a bit more brazen.

I was startled when my phone rang. Seeing it was Chris, I picked up right away.

“Where are you? Why aren’t you answering your door?”

“Wait, that’s you?” I walked to the door. “You’re early.”

“I know. Traffic was really light.”

I hung up as I answered the door. This time, he carried two bags in. One was clearly an overnight bag. The other, I wasn't sure what was in it. He saw me eyeing the bags.

“I hope you don’t mind. I wasn’t sure what we might do about dinner so I brought something to change into if we end up going to a nice place.”

“Sure, not a problem. Let me go get ready.”

“What, no kiss?”

I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. I really didn't want to be late.

I headed back to my bedroom, still wondering what shoes to wear. I have some very comfortable boots that I can wear if I do a lot of standing. But if it’s a lot of walking, I had sneakers. I turned around to head back to ask him which it was going to be and found him in my doorway.

“Um, hello.”

“I have something for you that I’d like you to wear today.”

“Sure. What is it. Another t-shirt?”

“No.” He handed me the bag. I reached in and felt several tissue-wrapped bundles. I took them out and set them on the bed. I noticed that they were numbered.

“What did you do?”

“Open ‘em.” He had the most adorable smirk.

“Should I open them in order?”

“Please.”

I opened the first one and I’m sure a blush was spreading over my cheeks, as hot as they were. I opened the second one and found another set. I looked up at Chris. He still had that adorable smirk on his face. I know I had a matching one.

“What did you do?”

“Told you, I want there to be a way I can always be with you. I thought, you wearing lingerie I bought for you, it would remind you whenever you saw them, or felt them. Did I do okay?”

“Chris, they’re gorgeous.” I checked. “And they’re my size. Wait, is that why you laid out my clothes last night?”

“Part of the reason. I was also trying to help. But yeah, I wanted to know your size. It’s the same brand as what you had so they should fit. If not, we’ll take 'em back and find something that does.”

“I’m sure they'll fit.”

“Open ‘em all up.”

Everything was matching and in my size and beautiful.

“Chris, this is too much.”

“It will never be too much for my girl.” The butterflies were back early. “Go try ‘em on. Make sure they all fit.”

I went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me, and started trying them on. I knew they’d all fit, but it never hurt to be sure. I was taking off the second bra when I heard Chris.

“What, are they not fitting?”

“No, they’re fitting fine. The first two fit perfectly.”

“Come on, show me.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Chris.”

“I need to make sure they fit to  _my_  satisfaction. I’ll be a good boy, promise. Don’t you trust me?”

“Sit on your hands.”

Now I heard his laughter.

“We’re gonna have to work on trust, aren’t we.”

“This’ll be the first exercise in trust.”

“But I thought Sunday would’ve established that trust.”

“Mmmm, good point. Okay. Don’t sit on your hands. Give me a second though. I need to get this one back on.”

“You’re naked in there right now, aren’t you.”

I answered him with my silence, and I heard his groan through the door.

I was in the set pretty quickly and put on my robe. I thought a bit of a reveal might be fun. I opened the door and walked into my bedroom.

Chris wasn’t sitting anywhere, he was leaning against the wall next to the door. I passed by him as I walked out of the bathroom, not seeing him.

“Over here.” There was that voice that made me melt.

I turned, and he reached for the sash on my robe. He pulled and the sash came undone. I heard his groan as my robe opened. I shrugged out of it and let it fall down my arms.

“Let it drop.”

I let it fall to the floor. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He had a hard time speaking.

“Go get the next one. Leave the robe.”

For all the tormenting he’d done to me, or would be doing to me, I felt this was decent payback. So, I did as requested. I went through all the pairings, showing him each. I got the same reaction from him each time. Until I got to the last one, the one I’d wear today. When I came out, he was sitting on the bed.

“That’s the last one, right?”

“Yes.”

“Come here.”

I tentatively padded over to him. He reached out to me and I took his hand. He pulled me in and hugged me close, arms around my legs. I felt his beard scratch at me as he kissed my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair and he looked up at me.

“You are absolutely beautiful. Kiss me.”

I bent down and gently pressed my lips to his. The kiss was so soft. For all of three seconds. He started to escalate and I pulled back, pressing my fingers to his mouth.

“I don’t think that’s wise right now. How about I finish getting dressed and we can head out." He nodded.

He was rooted to the bed as I got dressed, watching every move I made. I turned to him when I was done.

“Is everything okay?”

“Hm? Um, yeah.”

“You don’t sound like everything’s okay.”

“That was far more torturous than I thought it’d be.”

“You could have stopped it at any time.” I took up that spot again, the one right in front of him. I played with his hair, nails scraping against his scalp. “I should have stopped it. I'm sorry.”

“No, don’t do that. Don’t take responsibility for me. Please don’t.” He looked up at me and I couldn’t help but kiss him. I straightened up and offered my hand. He took it, got up, and we started to walk out the room when I remembered I had one question.

“Are we going to be doing more standing or more walking today?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Your answer will dictate my choice in footwear.”

“I’d say it’s more ambling than walking.”

I stooped down to pick up my boots. I had everything else in the living room, so we were on our way quickly.

“So, now that we’re on our way, care to fill me in on where we’re going?”

“Nah.”

“Fine. What did you do this week?”

I thought if I got him to talk about the week the time might pass a bit more quickly, and I was right. Pretty soon, though, I knew where we were going. And I was exceedingly pleased.

He pulled into the underground parking and looked over at me. I had the biggest smile on my face. The Getty Center is one of my favorite places and I’d never been there this late in the fall. I was interested to see what was going on in the gardens.

We kept to ourselves as we headed up on the tram. When we got off we headed over to the buildings.

“So, Sweetness, what do you want to do first?”

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, “gardens. Definitely, gardens.” Hand in hand, we crisscrossed over the stream, or what would normally be the stream. Given the severe drought, all water features were turned off. There were so few people outside that we had it mostly to ourselves. It was so peaceful and lovely. I had my camera out and took picture after picture. We made our way down to the central garden and walked among the gorgeous plants. Every so often, when he knew we wouldn’t be seen by anyone else, Chris stopped us and we’d kiss for a moment or two. It was a very intimate setting, and I know I was getting all hot and bothered. I kept urging us to move, and he kept stopping us.

When we were through the gardens, it was lunchtime so we headed to the restaurant to make our reservation and then after lunch we made our way to the museum. There was an exhibit on images of World War I and several on Rubens. They even had something on chivalry. There was lots to see.

We were making our way from the World War I exhibition to another one when we both heard a kid start talking really fast.

“Mom, mom, mom, mo-om, moooooooom” and when she turned to him, he was so excited, he couldn’t help but almost shout, “Mom, Captain America’s here!”. We both started chuckling when we heard that. He looked at me. I nodded and nudged him to go see the kid.

That was the start of a very long time of me watching him interact with his fans. He started to get a crowd at one point. He looked at me and shrugged a couple of times. It took some time, but he was able to get through everyone. We looked at a few more pieces, trying to ignore all the prying eyes.

“I am so sorry about that.”

“That’s okay. Seriously, it’s okay. Captain America’s a big deal to kids. I think it’s good that you spent time with them.”

He reached into his pocket and handed me several scraps of paper.

“What’s this?”

“Phone numbers.”

I caught several people’s attention as I broke out into laughter.  I’m sure some of the women who’d pressed numbers into his palm were miffed when they saw me throw them away. Try as we might, we couldn’t get away from prying eyes until we headed outside and around the building. We walked around the beautiful architecture and found a place we could be shielded from everyone. We were finally able to take some time to just be the two of us, no one looking or asking for an autograph. I had to talk to him. I couldn’t keep silent any longer.

He beat me to it, though.

“Sweetness, I know I said I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I think I’d rather stay in. Is that okay with you?”

“Absolutely, too much of the public today?" He nodded. "I make a pretty mean salad. I know that probably doesn’t sound all that tempting, but trust me, it’s really good. Well, as long as you like green onions and parmesan and balsamic and egg and bacon. And chicken, too.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Good, now there’s something I want to tell you.”

“What’s that?”

This was harder to say than I thought. It took me a moment to get the words to come out.

“Chris, you have been so incredibly patient with me. You’ve shown me kindness and courtesy. You’ve shown me a side to you that I didn’t know you had. Not that I wouldn’t think you’d have it, but I didn’t know it. I hadn’t seen it. I know you see more to this. More to us. So do I. You’ve shown me. You knew before I did and you were right. There is definitely more to us.”

I think he liked hearing that, as, suddenly, my backside was in intimate contact with the wall. This was the second time he kissed the breath out of me.

Before we could get caught, and who knows how many media impressions would happen if a picture of  _that_  got out, we disengaged. He had the biggest grin on his face.

“Let’s go home.”

“Chris, we have more to see here. And we still need to go to the grocery store to get the stuff for tonight. And I still need to say the second thing. The thing I haven’t said yet.”

“Say it.” He already had that tone of voice. The command. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

“No, not yet. I want to see the rest of the Getty.”

He pondered that for a moment and then leaned forward. Neither of us would want any possibility of this conversation being overheard.

“You might want to rethink that. You’re gonna want stamina for tonight. And tomorrow. I plan on making love to you all night. And all day. Remember, you’re mine.”

“Eventually we’ll need some sleep.”

“You won’t sleep until I leave. That I promise you.”

“Sure. Right. But I’m not yours yet. I haven’t said the second thing.”

“Yes. You are. You are mine.” Jiminy Christmas, his intensity.

Hassafassa “fuck me.”

“I plan on it.” I hadn’t realized I’d said that out loud. “You’re gonna be hoarse from all the screaming. That is, if I give you permission to scream,” he growled into my ear.

Oh. my. god.

Fire. Heat. What the hell was he doing to me?

“Okay, you win. Let’s go.”

“Um, I’m gonna need you to walk in front of me.”

I looked down and then back up at him. “Is that ‘cause of little ‘ol me?”

“Very funny. Just walk in front of me.”

We made our way to the tram and while we were waiting, we stood apart from everyone else, our backs to them. Chris had his arms around me and it looked like we were just holding each other. Little did they know, he was telling me everything he wanted to do to me.

That man definitely had a dirty side to him.

We stopped off at the grocer and, given that we were going to be in for the next day and a half, I picked up extra provisions. At some point, I lost Chris. Who knows what he went off to go pick up. He found me while I waited in line. He had a couple of things to add to the basket. His eyes lit up when he saw the Starburst Jelly Beans. Little did he know the plans I had for them.

I fixed dinner when we got home.

“Sweetness, do you want a beer?”

“No thank you.”

“What, vodka, wine?”

“No, just some water would be good.”

I don’t know what it is, but I really love it when he hugs me close from behind. I feel very safe in his arms.

“Is everything okay?”

“Um, yeah.”

He started nuzzling my neck.

“You don’t want anything to drink?”

“No.”

“Why?” He sounded concerned.

“I promise, nothing’s wrong. I simply want to feel everything tonight. Every touch, every caress, every pinch, stroke, and orgasm. I don’t want anything impairing what I’m going to feel tonight.”

He fisted my hair and pulled my head to the side. He wanted clear access to me. Whatever he wanted, I’d give to him, later. But for now, he still had to take.

We were pretty quiet as we ate. I know I was anticipating what was going to happen. I cleared the dishes and then it was time for dessert. I dished out some of the ice cream he’d brought last night and grabbed a ramekin of the jelly beans for Chris.

I met him back in the dining room.

“Do me a favor and lean back a bit.”

“Why?”

“Please?”

As he leaned back, I tossed my leg over him and soon we were face to face.

“Chris, hands, back behind the chair. Grab hold.”

“Sweetness, you’re making this so hard.”

“No, babe. I’m making you hard.”

“You are evil.” I love that smile.

“And you’re just now figuring this out? You love it, you know you do. Now, open.”

I started feeding him jellybeans. Every time I heard his moan of pleasure, I’d reward him with a little rotation of my hips. He caught on after the second time and we were pretty much grinding on each other for the next few minutes.

I had a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream. I didn’t want to miss out on my favorite part of the meal.

Then I did what I'd wanted to, all along. I popped a jellybean onto my tongue and started to feed him that way. The kisses got longer and longer, and he got harder and harder.

“Sweetness, you are killing me.” Ah, finally. Just what I'd wanted to hear.

“Oh, then I guess you won’t be able to make love to me.”

Chris ceased all movement.

“What?”

“Make love to me?” I couldn't hide the grin, even if I tried.

I’ve never been so glad to be with someone who was so strong, so fast. He stood up with me in his arms and his chair went crashing back on the floor. I quickly wrapped my legs around him as he strode back to my bedroom.

“Fuck, Sweetness. I thought you’d never ask.”

He kicked the door closed when he got there and tossed me onto the bed.

“Don’t you dare touch anything. You’re mine now.”


	8. His

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue (they love to talk - and it's quite necessary for what he asks of her) so to help keep things straight, Chris is in italics. Hopefully that helps.

“Before you do anything, I need you to do one thing for me.”

_“You are treading on very thin ice asking me to do something right now. I told you, once you gave me the green light, you're mine.”_

“But this is for us. Babe, I need you to open the door. My cats are probably under the bed and will need to get out. It’s either now, or when they start meowing at us, which, we know, would end up being at the most inopportune time possible.”

He just eyed me, trying to be all ‘I am the man’. He made his way back to the door and opened it. After quickly surveying the room, he walked out. I heard him in the kitchen and realized he was getting some water.

Provisions.

He came back in, set the water on the bedside table, along with both the bag and ramekin of jelly beans and then walked around and lit some candles that I hadn’t noticed.

“Where did those come from?”

_“I have my ways.”_  I think I was going to be hearing lots of his sexy voice tonight. That made me a happy woman.

He turned the overhead light out and the room was now softly lit.

“You sure are full of surprises.”

_“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”_

We smiled at each other as he made his way to the bed. I reached to take off my boots and he gently took my hand away.

_“Allow me.”_

I’ve had men undress me before, but it’s always been in a heated rush. And while I’m sure that’s what Chris would have preferred, he took his time. 

After ridding me of my boots, he crawled up my body, kissing me along the way. Sure, I was still fully clothed, but that made it all that more erotic. The inside of my knee. The front of my thigh. The outside of my hip. He untucked my shirt and unbuttoned it starting at the bottom, kissing all the skin he revealed along the way. His beard tickled when he made his way out to my sides and I couldn’t help but giggle. He kept it up and soon I was trying to push him away as my laughter filled the room. He grabbed my hands and held them to the bed as he tortured me with his beard. My laughter made it very hard to talk.

“Chris, please, stop!”

_“One condition.”_

“What.”

He moved my hands overhead.

_“Stay just like this. Don’t move?”_

“I’ll do my best.” This was getting interesting.

He kissed me before heading back down to unbutton my blouse. He started back up with the kissing of my body which, while it still tickled, it felt good. Soon, my blouse was open.

He got up on his knees and parted my legs, kneeling between them. He looked down at me as he ran his hand along my stomach, back and forth.

_“You are stunningly beautiful like this, Taz.”_  He’d been gentle with his touch, whether his fingers or his lips. That started to change as leaned over me.

First, his kiss was far more passionate. There were a couple of soft kisses to start, but he couldn’t contain himself for long. There is something about the way a man kisses when he’d all full of desire and passion that is just, well, you know.

The slight tremble to his jaw. His mouth open just a little wider. His tongue just a little more insistent. His hand grabbing the back of my neck, a rumbling in his chest. His body, his gorgeous body, fully pressed against mine. There’s this feeling that happens, that makes me incredibly turned on, his passion, his need feeds me, feeds the fire he’s building within. It’s hard to describe what experiencing his passion for me does to me. It’s a heady experience.

He sat me up and took my shirt off. He kissed my shoulder as he unclasped and removed my bra. His hands massaged, kneaded me as I lay back down and he continued to kiss me.

_“Sit up.”_

He got behind me, legs extended on either side, and oh my god. He kissed my neck as he continued to massage and cup my breasts, teasing my nipples. I had no place to put my hands, so I massaged his thighs as I pressed my body back into him. One of his hands moved down, fingertips trailing down my stomach.

_“Put your feet on the other side of my legs.”_

“Hm?”

He stopped what he was doing and pulled my knees up. He worked his feet under my legs so my feet were now outside his. He widened his legs, spreading mine even wider, opening me up to him.

He went back to kissing my neck while fondling a breast. His hand made its way between my legs.

“Oh, Chris, fuck yeah.” I stretched my body, thrusting my core into his hand.

_“You like this, don’t you baby.”_

“Mmmmhmmm.” I’d lost my words again. He had an uncanny ability to do that to me.

This time, I did whimper when he pulled his hand away. I felt his laughter against my neck as he unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans.

“Yes, please, yes, put your hand down, oh, yes.” He had a bit of a difficult time, what with my jeans being relatively tight. He got out from behind me and peeled my jeans off my body. I was now down to just my-

Yep, there went my panties, too.

“Please, take off your shirt.”

_“No.”_

“Please, you’re terribly overdressed and I need to feel you.”

_“We’re living my fantasy for right now. We’ll get to yours later.”_

“I’m sorry, you fantasize? This can’t be about me.”

I think he realized the can of worms he’d opened. He said he’d use me for inspiration, but fantasize?  _“Yeah, it is about you.”_

“We’ve only known each other for a week.”

_I’ve known about you for longer than that.”_  He saw the look on my face.  _“Kristi had a feeling we’d hit it off. Long before she suggested the blind date, she was talking about you. Ended up sending some pictures of you. From New Year’s a couple of years ago?”_

I always did like those pictures of me.

_“It’s been a couple of weeks now.”_

“How many?”

_“Well, it took us a week to set up that date, and then it’s been another week, and then before that, so yeah. About something like four.”_

“You haven’t been fantasizing about me for four weeks.” No possible way.

_“You’re right. It’s been about three and a half.”_

“Seriously?”

_“Yeah. I think Kristi wanted me to ask her to set us up several times before she’d agree to try to set something up. Make sure I was really interested. She kept teasing me with information about you. I was finally able to convince her to set us up, that I really did want to meet you. _Those pictures? She sent me the whole set. I got one a day._ I was going crazy. I even threatened her with the loss of our friendship.”_

“You’re funny.”

_“I was only half kidding. I told her, ‘you dangle a carrot in front of me and then yank it away when I go for it?’ It wasn’t a good move, wasn’t something that a friend would do to another friend. She was just protecting you, though. I get it now.”_ This man sure knew how to do sincere.

I extended my hand up to him and when he grabbed it, I pulled him to me. We kissed for a while. I sure do like kissing him. He pulled away and it looked like he had something on his mind.

_“Baby, I want you to do something for me.”_

“Well, you’re the one with the fantasy. What can I do to help you fulfill it?”

His hand snaked down between my legs and took possession of my pussy. He got all baritone sexy singing man voice. I got goosebumps. Pretty sure he did it on purpose.

_“Don’t come.”_

That sure got my attention.

“What?”

_“Don’t come. I wanna take you right up to the edge, keep you there for a little bit. Then I wanna slide into you. I want you to come for me when my cock slides into your cunt. Will you do that for me? First time my cock enters you, you come? You up for that?”_

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

_“Sweetness, would you try? For me?”_

“Of course I’ll try. I just don’t know if I can. I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

_“No way, no how. Never disappointed in you. Never.”_

One of his fingers circled my clit and worked its way inside. I wasn’t prepared for that and stifled all sound as I closed my eyes.

_“Baby, don’t do that. Let me hear you. I wanna get to know the sounds you make. I wanna know how to touch you.”_

“Oooooh fuck, babe. Sorry. You just, oh yeah, that’s good, surprised me is all. Trust me, you’ll know. I’m not quiet.”

_“You need to let me know when you start to get close.”_

I reached down, sliding my hand down his stomach and he stopped what he was doing to grab hold.

_“No, baby. I’m plenty hard. I’ve been on edge almost all day.”_

His hand honed back in on me. He pulled my leg between his, opening me up to him.

“I gotta do something with my hands.”

_“Put your hands back over your head. You don’t get to move. You move ‘em, I stop.”_

One finger entered me, slowly. I wanted him so badly. Then he pulled it out. That was all he did for a while. In. Pause. Out. Pause. Over and over. He switched it up. Instead of pausing, he swirled his finger, scraping at my walls as he pulled out. I had to move. I needed more of him inside me. In. Swirl and exit and scrape. In.

He stayed inside of me for a while this time, and then I realized why.

“Oooooh fuck. You found it.” He found my g-spot. “Baby, keep doing just that. Yes, oh fuck me, yes.”

My jaw started trembling and when I heard his moan I opened my eyes to look at him.

_“There’s my girl. Keep your eyes on me. That’s right, you like my fingers in your pussy? Yes, you do, don’t you.”_  he leaned down and found that spot on my neck that drove me crazy.

He pulled his finger out, and this time he worked two in.

_“You are so tight and wet baby. That’s right, grab my fingers with your pussy.”_

“I’m close Chris. You keep up like this and I’m gonna come.”

_“Mmmm, good girl. Not yet.”_  He took his fingers out and stroked my labia.  _“That’s my good girl for telling me. I wonder what would happen…”_

His fingers started teasing my clit, circling but not touching. I was chasing his fingertips with my hips, circling.

_“I need you to hold still now, baby.”_  He went back to gently, slowly finger-fucking me with just one finger.

“Please Chris, please.”

_“Baby, not yet.”_

“No, kiss me.”

He plundered my mouth. His fingers were performing the most exquisite torture.

“I’m getting closer.”

_“Just a little more. Just a little more, Sweetness.”_

I couldn’t help moving again.

_“No, baby, stop moving. Come on, you can stop. That’s my girl.”_

A certain tingle swept through me as he praised me and called me his girl.

“I’m getting so close Chris. Please, please make love to me?”

I heard a groan from him as he pulled his hand out of me. He released my leg as he got off the bed and went into the drawers by my bed.

“What’re you doing?”

He quickly shed his clothes and pulled out a box of condoms. I was somewhat disappointed that I hadn't been allowed to undress him. Next time.

“When’d you put that in there?”

_“Same time as the candles, when we got home today.”_  He opened the box and dumped it onto the table. I looked at them, and then him.

_“Oh, I will be using all of those before I leave here.”_  He’d started stroking himself, using the hand that had been inside. Covered in my juices, he worked himself right before putting his condom on. I bit my lip, stifling my groan.

Condom now in place, he put his fingers back in. I was so fucking close, almost there.

“Baby, I’m about to start fucking your fingers to get me to come. I need you. Seriously, no more waiting, please. I need you inside me. Please, god baby, please fuck me hard!”

He pulled his fingers out of me and quickly spread my arousal on him. He licked his fingers,  _“you taste even better than I thought you would”_  before he worked one hand up my arms to my hands and grabbed hold while his other positioned himself at my entrance. I wrapped my legs around him and felt his thumb barely graze over my swollen clit.

“Oh fuck, don’t be gentle with me. I wanna feel you take me. Hard.”

He kissed me, plunging his tongue into me, stroking mine as his thumb honed in and pressed down on and circled my clit. He plunged all the way in and hit my g-spot. My body shook and it was a few seconds before my orgasm fully hit.

He swallowed my scream, groaning, body pressed to mine. His thumb kept playing with my bundle of nerves, keeping me rocking and rolling. He started to slide out and in and out and in, hitting my g-spot every time, slow and steady. He finally stopped kissing me, but leaned his forehead against mine. His hips started to move a little faster. Out.

_“That was fucking incredible.”_  In.  _“I don’t know how,”_  out,  _“long I’m gonna last.”_  In.  _“Thank you,”_  out,  _“thank you for that.”_  In. Out.

“Chris, fuck you fill me up.” In. “Oh, please, faster.” Out. “Oh yes,” in. “yes please harder.” Out. “You feel so good,” IN, “fuck, yes,” out, “just like that

My walls started to grab onto him when he’d pull out. He seemed to like that, an awful lot, especially since his hips became erratic just after I started. I was so close, on the verge yet again.

“Baby, I’m gonna-”

_“Oh fuck yes-_

“-come again.”

_“-that’s it baby, come for me-”_

“Oh, yes yes yes”

_“come on come for me”_

“right there, right there,”

_“-oh yes-”_

“rightthererightthererightthererightthere Chriiiiiiiiiis!” pretty sure my neighbors heard that one.

_“-oh oh OH OH”_

He kept pumping his hips and finally came to a rest fully seated within. Oh god. Oh god.

We held each other and caught our breath. That final embrace lasted a long time. Neither of us wanted to break our connection. We kissed until he needed to pull out and wash up. I heard him in the bathroom and rolled onto my stomach, trying to keep warm. My thermostat had adjusted to another body being on top of me and the loss of heat had me shivering.

He whistled as he walked back in.

_“Oh, Sweetness, isn’t that a gorgeous sight to behold. Get ready for me, baby. Round 2’s coming up.”_


	9. Velvet

“Chris, do you mind? I’d love it if you’d just hold me for a while.” I was having a hard time getting this out. I wasn’t sure he heard me.

“What’s wrong, Sweetness?”

“Nothing, I just, I just want to kiss you for right now is all.”

I pulled my lips into my mouth and bit them. I wouldn’t look at him. I think he knew something was off.

“Come on, honey, you can tell me.”

“Okay.” I stalled for a bit, trying to figure out how to say what was going on in my head. I was having a hard time getting the words out. “That was just the most, well, mind-blowing experience I’ve ever had, and I just, well, I don’t know…”

“You just want to be close to me, don’t you.”

“Yeah.” I think he might have been amused as to how shy I’d become.

He got on the bed and scooted over. He pulled me into his arms and I started to warm up again as I snuggled against his chest as I tossed my arm over his waist.

“Sweetness, that was incredible for me, too. I get it.” I felt his hand gently rubbing my arm. It was soothing.

“You do?”

“Yes. It’s the same for me. I feel much closer to you now. It was kinda what I was hoping for.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, like you said before, I knew we were going to be good together. I wanted our first time to be memorable.” He paused before he used that word, like he was trying to figure out what to say.

“I’m sorry, you thought it wouldn’t have been memorable?”

He chuckled. “Oh, it absolutely would have been memorable. I just, I wanted it to be special, our first time.”

“Oh my god was it ever special! I don’t want to get into the whole previous partners discussion, but hon, that blew everything else out of the water. Never had a first time that would even be in the same solar system as that.” I didn’t think he had any real idea as to just how amazing it had been.

“How many first times have there been?”

“What, you want my number? I told you, don’t want to discuss that now. I’m happy to discuss later. But I want now, here and now, right now, this instant, to be about us. Just us. Just you, you absolutely amazing man, and me. Would you kiss me, please?”

I tilted my head up to him and he very nicely obliged me with the perfect kiss. His mouth moved over mine, his lips soft. He nipped at my bottom lip as he cupped my jaw, tilting my head just a bit more. His hand moved to my neck, his thumb, strong, extended to my chin so my head couldn’t move. He was now in complete control of this kiss.

I felt a warm flush come over my body when I realized that. A strangled whimper was all that I would allow to escape. He pulled back.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Sweetness, come on, you  _know_  I wanna hear you. Don’t suppress any sound. I wanna hear ‘em all.”

“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just more talkative than noisy.”

“Don’t apologize, Sweetness. I wanna hear you. I don’t think you understand what those noises, your squeaks and moans and groans and shouts, what they do to me. Do you know what your grunts and moans, the ones that you make as you come, do you know what those do to me?”

“I don’t grunt!”

We got into a match of ‘yes you do’ and ‘no I don’t’ and it kept escalating until I shouted through my laughter “no I don’t infinity to the power of infinity” at which point we both were trying to tickle the other but he was so much stronger that he had the upper hand. And then he kissed me through that laughter. And things started to get heated up very quickly. We’d both had plenty of time to recover, and I know we both wanted more. More intimacy, more exploring. More laughter. And more of each other.

I started to kiss down his neck when he stopped me with “no, not yet. I have more I want.”

“What about taking turns, you know, sharing?”

“Oh, we’ll share. We’ll share later, maybe. For right now, you’re still mine.”

His hands traveled over my body. Gentle, soothing touches that formed a pattern on my skin from some picture that was in Chris’s mind. I stretched my head back and was rewarded with tremor-inducing sensations along the soft, sensitive column of my neck. He moved my head and now had the access he wanted, behind my ear. Slow movements started to tickle and cause me to scrunch my shoulder to my ear, trying to still his hand.

“Tickles!” I started giggling. He continued, a different reason to get me to squeal this time.

“Chris, stop!” I was now moving, trying to get away from him, trying my damnedest to get away from his lethal fingers. He wouldn’t stop.

“Stop iiiiiiit! Stop! Chris!” Why was he ignoring-

“GIN!” He immediately ceased and I was able to catch my breath

“Christopher Robert Evans, that was  _so_ not necessary!”

He got a mischievous looking grin.

“You weren’t going to get hurt. I had to know if relying on a safeword would ever really be a good idea. I had to make sure you’d use it.”

“You son of a biscuit, you could’ve told me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m a son of a what?” It looked like he was sure he’d heard what he thought he’d heard, but he still didn’t believe it. That, and he was laughing.

“Biscuit.”

He just looked at me.

“I’ve never met either of your parents, so I’m not about to start insulting them. Not when  _you’re_  the one who has a problem.”

He quickly rolled on top of me. This was my favorite. It made it really easy to see his eyes, to talk to him, laugh with him, get used to him and learn to trust him. To kiss him. What I really loved about it, though, was that I could feel his heart through his chest, and as calm, cool, and collected as he seemed on the outside, his heart was hammering away. We’d been like this for most of last Sunday so he knew how much I liked it. The feel of his solid body on mine: I knew he was there, he wasn’t going anywhere. His arms wrapped around me: made me feel safe and protected. The steady and insistent rhythm of his heart told me he was as affected by me as I was by him.

I loved it when he snuggled into the crook of my neck. Calm, peaceful, connected, like we were both right where we were supposed to be, needed to be. And how right it was. I was at peace when we were like this last Sunday. And now, well, the only way I could describe it was that it felt like home.

He started nuzzling and then kissing. He made it so easy to be there, receiving all this attention from him, like it was the most natural thing in the world. His languid pace made time stand still.

It appeared it was, again, all about the touch.

When he moved my head to the side and started kissing along my jaw, I knew he was on a quest. This must have still been part of his fantasy. Why on earth would I deny this to him if it felt this fanfuckingtastic? The hot fire caused by the scrape of his beard was not to be soothed by anything cool. His mouth was an inferno. I resisted for as long as I could, but I had to touch him. I needed to be grounded by him and his lips weren’t going to do that for me. I worked my hand into his hair, scraping my nails lightly over his scalp. His tongue explored a particularly sensitive part of my neck and my hand closed on a fistful of his hair.

“Don’t stop me.” Mmmm, his voice sure had a habit of touching me deep in my soul.

“Fuck that. Keep going. This feels way too good for you to stop.”

He wasn’t rushing. We had all the time in the world now that we’d made love. The desperation to feel, to experience, to surround ourselves with the other person was gone. Not that we didn’t want those things anymore. It was now desire rather than desperation.

He adjusted his body so he could kiss and explore my shoulder. Very slowly, very methodically, he covered every inch of my skin. While he may have skipped over certain of my more sensitive parts, I knew he’d come back to those. And in all honesty, I didn’t care, this felt that good.

He kept moving lower and lower. The hairs on his chest tickled me as he moved. He worked his way down to where he could bite my hipbones before he came back up. I was on sensory overload and it was about to get worse.

“Sweetness, you are so incredibly soft. Your skin is like velvet. You feel so good.” His hands were stroking me, feeling every inch of me. I was lost in the sensations. His touch was so light. “Are you this soft everywhere? I’ve gotta find out. Please, get on your stomach.” I rolled over after he got off me. I felt his hand on my back as he moved my hair to the side before stroking his hand from my waist to my shoulder and continued up to my head and back again.

“Wow. You really are this soft everywhere.” I’d stretched my arms overhead and felt his hands work their way up. Interlacing our fingers, he stretched out on top of me and started kissing the back of my neck.

“Chris, you feel so good on me.” I’d had my eyes closed for a while. I had to do what I could to concentrate on what he was doing rather than what it made me feel. I knew this was something he needed. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be staying still, letting him concentrate so heavily on me. Trouble was, I was starting to feel an overwhelming need.

I think he was feeling the same thing.

“Baby, turn back over.” As soon as I did, he possessed my mouth. There’s no other way to describe how it felt. I cannot even begin to imagine wanting to be possessed by any other man. I was his, mind and body. I knew I could trust him to do with me as he pleased and I would not be hurt.

He started kissing my cheek, my jaw, my chin and down my neck. He was moving a little faster this time, like he was a man on a mission. He dragged his teeth against the skin over my collar bones as he maneuvered to first one breast and then the other. It was like he couldn’t figure out which he wanted to enjoy first.

He settled on one, hand grabbing, massaging, kneading, squeezing. I looked down and saw him studying me, my reactions. His thumb rubbed across the hardening surface before he pinched my nipple, rolling it between his fingers, causing me to moan. I was going to do what I could so he could hear me. I’d had one former beau complain about the amount of noise I made and I’d learned to suppress my sounds. I was going to do what I could for Chris.

Chris opened his mouth wide and covered as much of my breast as he could, which wasn’t anywhere close to all of it. He bit down and scraped against my skin as he pulled off of me. He found and caught my nipple between his teeth and this time I definitely cried out. He sucked and licked and worried the one with his sandpaper-like tongue and the other fell victim to his fingers, pinching, rolling, squeezing. I felt shocks to my body and grabbed hold of his head and held him to me, begging him for more, more of the feeling that was just barely on the pleasurable side of pain. He switched and as he started his mouth on the other I arched my back to get as close to him, as much of me in him as possible. It was exquisite.

He moved his body, crawling down me, before he let go with his mouth. He looked at me and I knew something was up.

He got off the bed, grabbing an ankle on his way, and pulled me down.

“What are you doing!”

He pulled on my legs, getting me closer to the edge. Before he got on his knees he grabbed another condom, tore open the package, and put it on the bed. I have a real thing for guys who like to be prepared. He could see my whole body trembling. I was on edge, so aroused from all that his hands and mouth had done to me.

“Sweetness, it’s okay. I’m gonna take care of you.

I jumped at his gentle touch on the insides of my knees. He eased them apart as he moved between them, putting them over his shoulders.

“Baby, let me do this for you.” I felt his breath on my core. Oh god, he was so close I couldn’t help but anticipate what he was going to do.

I felt the very tip of his tongue work its way between my labia as his mouth closed in on my opening. My body was shaking so hard I thought I’d vibrate right off the bed and onto the floor. He wouldn’t let that happen. Not my Chris. He took a few seconds to ensure I was okay and then started playing with me.

Oh god, I thought, he’s going to tease me.

But I was wrong. He simply liked slow.

I reached down and didn’t grab his head. No. I scraped my nails over his scalp. Not hard, but I knew he liked it. I was rewarding him for something he was doing that was shooting straight to the pleasure center of my brain, bypassing all reasonable thought. But he didn’t want that. He reached up and removed my hands, lacing our fingers and holding my hands to the bed. This was when I felt the flat of his tongue lick a stripe up the outside of my labia. My moans were almost constant at this point.

He sucked my flesh into his mouth, massaging me with his tongue. My hips moved, wanting to grind on his face. He released one hand and held me down by my stomach. My hand, immediately back in his hair, distracted him again.

“Sweetness, put your hands over your head baby.”

I put one overhead, he still had the other one. He released it and that one went overhead as well. I felt both arms wrap around my legs. He laced his fingers together, over my tummy, and held me tight. No way was I getting out of this until he let me.

I felt his tongue enter me and we both moaned at the same time. His caused extra shivers to run through me and I was lost to the sensation. As he lapped at me he lowered his hands and his thumb found my clit. My surprised scream was greeted with his chuckling and moaning. He circled and rubbed that little nub to his heart’s content, which meant I was screaming through my first orgasm, of this session anyway.

After helping me come back to this planet, he pulled his tongue out of my pussy and traced patterns around my clit. Around and around, teasing and tormenting me, before finally pulling it into his mouth.

“Oh my fuck yes.”

He quickly found where my most sensitive spot was and honed in on that.

Whispering “so close so close” was all I could do and it took only one more pass of his tongue to get me to see stars and start bucking.

Chris held on and kept licking and sucking as my juices flowed. He plunged his tongue back into me when I was done, cleaning me up.

But he didn’t stop.

He kept it up, over and over, tongue swirling, licking, mouth sucking. It didn’t take long before I was seeing stars again.

“Fuuuuuck!”

He took the opportunity to clean me up again.

The next time, it was just his fingers that brought me to orgasm. He stopped playing with my clit. Not completely, but he didn’t pay concentrated effort on it. Instead he’d use one firm pass to set me ablaze. I’m sure he didn’t want me to get oversensitive and call a halt to his fun.

“Chris, baby, I don’t know how much longer I can go.”

He’d slowed down the thrusting of his fingers.

“Fuck me Chris. God I need you inside me so badly.” I was back to trembling.

“Sweetness, you want me to fuck you? Hard?”

I’m sure I sounded desperate. I felt desperate.

“Yes, please baby.”

He got up and pulled the condom from the wrapper, rolling it on quickly. I scooted back on the bed.

“Get on your hands and knees.” Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Back arched, ass high in the air, head on the bed: I gave him what he wanted. Hell, what I wanted, what I was desperate for. With a quick snap of his hips, he was balls-deep. The stretching, that completely filled feeling, the feeling that you’re finally whole: that was nothing compared to this. I was complete.

He rocked his hips, out and in, out and in, that delicious feeling when he’d hit that spot inside that had me shaking in no time at all.

“That’s it, Sweetness, come for me.” He reached around and the scrape of his nail against my very swollen clit set me on fire, had me screaming. He worked his hand into my hair and kept his hips pumping, pistoning into me.

He slowly pulled me upright and flush against him, or as flush as we could get. His arm held me to him as he pulled my head back before he released it. Now it was my turn to grab his hair, pull his head, his face close to mine, for me to possess his mouth, make him mine.

I released his head and fell back to the bed.

“Harder baby. Oh fuck, Chris, fuck me harder.”

I braced my hands on the bed and shoved back into him, matching his rhythm before he grabbed my hips and stilled me so he could control everything.

Snap!

“OH FUCK YES!”

Withdrawal.

“Is this what you want, Sweetness?”

Snap!

“Yes! Harder!”

Withdrawal.

I reached back and grabbed at him, desperate.

Not only did I get harder, I got faster.

And for a brief period of time, all the sounds that we heard was of flesh slapping against flesh, until-

“Fuck, Chris, I’m gonna come!”

“Do it, do it, do it, do it!” and I shoved into him as hard as I could and the pleasure completely overwhelmed me as he thrust a few last times using my shoulders as leverage to go as deep as my body would allow, roaring at the ceiling through his release.

The only thing I hate about this position is how quickly I feel empty. It happens entirely too soon. We both collapsed on the bed.

“Sweetness, come here.”

“I can’t move. Give me a few minutes.”

“No, Taz, I need cuddles.” Oh my god, how cute was he.

He removed and tied off the condom. I got a couple of tissues from my bedside table, handed one to him and held out my hand. He quirked his eyebrows.

“Wastebasket. This side.”

His smile was that of a very contented man.

All that taken care of, we got in bed and cuddled for a while, periodically touching, caressing, and kissing, each lost in our own thoughts, while we reveled in each other’s company, before falling into blissful sleep.


	10. Masters and Johnson

The first time I woke up during the night, Chris was kissing the back of my neck. I swear, if there was a way to make that into an alarm clock, I’d be the richest woman on the face of the earth. Then again, I'd never share him.

I noticed that there were only a few candles lit in the room, so either the other candles had burned all the way down, in which case we’d slept for quite a while, or he’d extinguished the flames while I was asleep. I was hopeful it was the latter.

I was doing everything in my power to keep my breathing steady and even. I didn’t want him to stop what he was doing, but I couldn’t fool him.

“Hey beautiful, did I wake you?” He sounded playful, hopeful even.

“You know you did. You know how much I like that.” I was perfectly content.

He hugged me to him and I could feel his smile against my skin.

“Not as much as I like doing it.”

“I bet you’re wrong.”

“Whadaya wanna bet?”

I snuggled back into him and felt just how happy he was that I was awake. One might even say excited.

“I don’t think it’s safe to bet with you right now. You’ve got a one-track mind.”

“You bet your sweet ass that’s right. Now guess what’s on my mind. Betcha can’t.”

“Bet I can. No guess needed, babe: sex.”

“I’m shocked. Shocked I tell you. Shocked and dismayed and hurt that you think that’s all that’s on my mind.” At least he wasn’t trying to make me buy that load he was selling.

“Then why don’t you tell me, what’s on your mind.”

I was saddened by the loss of heat, he really was a furnace, as he first rolled away and then rolled me to my back. Yeah, it was sex all right. I certainly wasn’t complaining, I hoped he didn’t think I was. We settled into our very familiar position. And that’s when I felt his hand on my face. This man had the tenderest touch where I was concerned. And it was heaven. There was so much emotion in that kiss that I started to feel, well, things I shouldn’t be feeling. Not yet, anyway. Way too early.

He stopped the kiss.

“You, Sweetness.” The gentle caress of his lips continued and I started to get lost in them once again.

I felt a little drunk on him as I inquired, between kisses, “I’m sorry. Me what?”

“You. You are all I have on my mind.”

“Nice recovery.”

“Taz, I’m not kidding. You’re all that’s on my mind right now.”

Great googly-moogly, this man knew how to kiss, how to make it feel like we were the only people on this planet. I’ll take that any day of the week, and twice on Sunday. Good thing it was Sunday.

So we did that for a while. For a real long while. Slow and soft and deep and thorough and I have to say, I think naked making out should become a thing, ‘cause it was hot.

There was a slowness to how he kissed me that told me he was savoring every moment, every bit of connection between us. There was no past, there was no future. There was only the present, the here and now.

I wrapped my legs around him, needing to feel him. And I finally got to a point where I wanted more than just kissing and our bodies casually rubbing against each other. I let him know by the way I kissed him and held him to me, by the way I moved my hands over his body, his back and shoulders and neck and face, by the way I rolled my hips, making intimate contact with him.

I got what I wanted, and then some.

He picked up on my hints. Okay, so they weren’t hints. Then, there were subtle changes. Urgency. Desire. That’s what started to come through. His hand, buried in my hair, gripping just a little bit harder. The press of his lips against mine, moving just a little bit faster, the kiss a little deeper. His moans, previously no more than the whisper of a breath, now rumbling in his chest. And his body, no longer just covering mine. He was weighing me down and I couldn’t move, even if I wanted to.

I didn’t want to. Well, not unless it was to connect with him.

“Sweetness, you feel so good right now. I need something from you.”

“Name it, Chris. Whatever you want.”

“This time, Taz please, this time, no words.”

“You don’t want me to make any noise?”

“No, baby. No words. I need to get to know your body. I wanna know, without you telling me, that you’re really close. I need to get to know your moans and your trembles and your shakes. Will you do that for me?”

“Yes, of course baby.”

“The only exception, if I do something you don’t like or that doesn’t feel good.”

“Thank you.”

“And I want your eyes on me, as much as you can.”

I smiled and nodded. Me, not using words, had just started. I’d also decided to give myself permission to make noise. Since this was something that Chris liked, I was going to do what I could to make him happy. He’d already given so much of himself, and had been so focused on me. He was very quickly spoiling me for anyone else.

He smiled as he gave me a quick kiss before nuzzling my neck, taking his sweet time. As long as he was going to be kissing me in a place where I couldn’t watch him, I was going to close my eyes and give myself over to him.

He moved my head to the side and kissed his way back up to my jaw, and back down. He dragged his what, chin? cheek? slowly down the sensitive skin of my neck. Up and down and back up again.

He nipped at my pout, pulling my lip into his mouth and between his teeth. I tried to deepen the kiss and he wasn’t having any of it. He kissed back to my ear.

“I need you to give up control, Sweetness. You’re mine.”

Wow. That was, um. Yeah. Just let go, Taz. You’re his. Let him take control. _Fuck_.

Sweeping my hair out of the way, he kissed behind my ear.

I moaned and breathed and didn’t breathe and sighed and had sharp intakes of breath and shivered and trembled as he kissed my neck, my ear, my shoulder. There were several spots where he caused multiple sounds. He came back to those spots several times, I’m guessing trying to figure out if they really were as sensitive as he thought. My outcries confirmed each. His last pass was one after the other, each ratcheting me up higher and higher. I felt myself growing more and more aroused, getting wetter and wetter.

I finally had a respite, albeit brief, as he moved further south.

He cataloged every spot on my body. Every single one that made me move, quiver, quake. He especially loved those spots that make my jaw tremble. He came back to those over and over, and each time I felt his moan as I trembled.

“You have been so good for me, Sweetness. Just a few more spots to test out.” What part of my body had been neglected by him?

As he kissed his way from my knee to my core, a realization hit me.

_Oh, that one_.

I didn’t know how much I could handle of his teasing. The soft play of his lips. How long it took him to use his teeth or tongue. I was trembling and he hadn’t even touched me.

And then he touched me.

I kept trying to get more. I needed more. His touch was too light, too soft, too teasing. I kept moving, kept chasing him, needing so much more than he was giving. Every nerve in my body was humming. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I ended up spontaneously combusting.

I was in my head, telling myself that I needed to do this for Chris, telling myself that this was one thing that I could do for him. I was yelling at myself to stop all the words. But the want and the desire and the need for him were so great.

And I was in my head so much that I missed his move. I missed him getting up.

I didn’t miss when he grabbed me by my knees and pulled me to the bottom of the bed. I knew this was going to be going on for a while, that he was getting more comfortable.

He leaned over me and kissed me, hard. I tasted myself on him and I moaned and held his face to me. He let that continue for a few moments before moving my hands away from his face.

“You know where I want your hands, Sweetness, right?”

I smiled as I stretched my arms out overhead.

“Fuck, you are perfect, baby.” He gave me one last kiss before hunkering down on the floor. “Put your legs over my shoulders.”

I was already highly aroused. Kisses and licks and strokes had me shaking. Then everything changed.

That sensation hit me. You know, that live-wire  _almost_  heat  _almost_  pain radiating from that little bundle of nerves,  _you know_ , that sensation that feeling that lets you know he’s in the right spot. The one that makes you scream and your thighs shake, the one that makes him moan because he knows he’s found that spot, that secret spot,  _your spot_ , that spot that’s different on every woman. The one that you know all too intimately, when you’re playing with yourself, that you avoid if you want to draw things out or concentrate on if you just need your release.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” He avoided it as he ran the flat of his tongue up my labia several times. I relaxed. Just a little and then he searched for and found it again with just the tip of his tongue and my whole body contracted and I tried to squirm away and slam my knees shut, but he was in the way.

That keening-moaning-wailing sound told him that he’d found my holy grail. He sucked my clit, my flesh into his mouth and worked me over. If he hadn’t had his hands low on my belly, holding me down, I would have been able to squirm away. Maybe.

Then I realized what he was really doing.

He was memorizing me. He wanted to know just which buttons to push, where they were, what they’d do, how they felt when he was doing something different. I’d never had a man think so much about me before.

I think my sounds changed. With no warning whatsoever I was really close, really fucking close, like one more swipe at that spot would send me careening over the cliff close.

He stopped.

He had me right where he wanted me,  _and he knew it_.

He unwrapped one arm and I felt one one one then two two two fingers, plunging, crooking, scraping, prodding. He didn’t have to search for anything this time. He knew exactly where my g-spot was. He kept playing me and I felt him get up. His fingers stayed in me, poking and pressing and prodding and he leaned over me.

“Open your eyes, Sweetness.”

His face was a few inches from mine.

“Sweetness, look at me when you come. Don’t take your eyes off of me. You wanna come don’t you? Good. Now, be my good girl and come for me.” I swear his voice sounded like someone was plucking the C string on a cello. It was like his voice was reaching inside of me and grabbing hold, not letting me go.

His thumb circled my clit and then found that spot and I was done. My whole body tensed up and I filled my lungs and just before I screamed I felt him enter me and he fucked me through my orgasm and I came again quickly and he didn’t let up and I came a couple more times before he roared his release.

He woke me a couple more times during the night. Each time he explored me further, seeing just how much I could handle. He wouldn’t let me explore him, though.

We spent the day in bed sleeping, eating, talking, exploring, laughing, making love. It seemed that once there was daylight, he was more into the soft and sweet side. Or maybe he’d finally sated his raw need.

The last couple of times, it felt like we were both holding back. The world we inhabited was only made up of two people. It was incredibly intimate and there were periods of time that it felt like things were being said and no words were being used. Our communications were through our kisses, our touches the looks we were giving each other. We weren’t using our words and it felt safer to communicate what we were feeling because we didn’t give voice to it. I know there were several times where it felt like he was going to say something, and he didn’t.

Monday morning we showered and bathed each other. We were extra gentle, especially with those oh-so-tender spots. I spied a smile on his face when he saw which of the lingerie he purchased I chose to wear that day.

When I walked him to the door I was dreading saying goodbye. He was heading home today. It was the week of Thanksgiving and he always spent it with his family. We swore to call and text and Skype. He also made me promise one thing.

“Sweetness, I’m serious.”

“I know you are, but this’ll be hard. The only way I’ll promise is if you promise as well.”

“Ah, I see how it is.”

“Hey, turnabout’s fair play.”

“What are you promising?”

“I promise I won’t touch myself, that I won’t make myself come.”

“And?”

“And no one else will, either.”

“I promise the same. No orgasm for me until I’m back with you. You know this means I’m coming straight here from the airport when I get back in town, right?” His grin was playful, but he was serious.

“You better. Have a safe trip, okay? I’m going to miss you, Chris.”

“I, I’ll miss you too, Sweetness.” We kissed, and then he was out the door.


	11. Thanksgiving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is romance without a bit of drama?

The week of Thanksgiving dragged so much. Luckily, I’d decided not to take the week off so work was my friend. It helped me get through the week without Chris.

He called me the moment his flight landed. Everyone at work saw the huge smile on my face when my phone rang. I’d assigned a special ring-tone to him (Sweet Talk – Kito & Reija Lee) so I’d know when he was the one calling.

We talked the whole time until he got to his Mom’s house. He kept us connected until he could be alone in his room.

“I should’ve brought you with me, Sweetness. I miss you.”

“Wouldn’t that have been awkward, bringing home some girl they don’t know you’re seeing? They don’t know anything about me.”

“My Mom knows about you.” No fucking way.

“Yeah. Sure. Right. You talked to your Mom about me. I call bullshit.”

“I talked to her about you before we went out.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, she knows Kristi, and I told her Kristi had been trying to set me up with her best friend-”

“Ah, there it is, finally.”

“What?”

“You knew all along.  _I’m_  Kristi’s best friend.”

“Fine, fine. You’re right.” I could hear the grin.

“Okay, now that that’s straightened out. What were you saying about talking to your Mom?”

“Yeah, I talked to her about you before we met. She knows all about you.”

“Just what does she know?”

“I’ll tell you when I get back. Anywaaaaay. So, tell me. Have you been my good girl today?” Why didn’t he want to tell me? Why was he switching the topic of conversation? Why was he changing his voice? What the fuck did he just say?

“You, sir, need to stop that. You know what  _that voice_  does to me.”

“Fuck. Say that again, baby.”

I didn’t get it.

“What, stop that?”

“No.  _Sir_.”

“Oh. Ooooohhh. Do you like that? Is that something you want? Me calling you,” I just loved a dramatic pause, “Sir?” I could have sworn I heard a bit of a shaky breath. “Remember what you promised, baby.”

“Same thing you promised, Sweetness.”

“You need to stop that with your voice. You know what that does to me. You are not being nice.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. So, what do you have planned for tonight when you get home?”

“I need to do some yoga. I’m sore in spots I haven’t been in a long time. I need to work those muscles out before you get back. Then a nice hot bath. Then bed. I need sleep. Some guy kept waking me up, all weekend long in fact. Wouldn’t let me sleep. What about you? What's on tap for you?”

“Tonight? Sleep. There was this woman I kept having to wake up. Tomorrow? Spending time with my family. See some friends. Just the usual stuff I do when I get home. You work tomorrow?”

“Yep. Work ‘til Wednesday about noon. Then grocery. Kristi’s coming over for Thanksgiving. Hey, that reminds me. She’s gonna have questions.”

“Tell her whatever you want. I trust her to keep things quiet. Those I don’t trust? The public. Crap, that reminds me. My PR team’s getting some questions about us. Looks like a couple of pictures of us got out from Saturday.”

“You’re kidding. They’re not bad, are they?” Please say no please say no. I was actually crossing my fingers.

“No, not from what I was told. Sweetness, when they find out who you are, answer however you want. My answer will always be my personal life is just that. I don’t answer personal questions.” He said it so matter-of-factly that I realized he’d been dealing with this for a while, in his life. This would take some getting used to.

“That sounds like a good answer to me. Besides, I doubt they’ll find out who I am any time soon. I mean, I’m no one.”

“That’s not right.”

“Well, yeah, I am a person.”

“Noooooo. That’s not what I meant. You’re my girl.”

“Wow.”

“What”

“I just got tingles running up and down my back. I’m your girl?”

“Wait. Do you doubt it?”

“No, I don’t. It just feels odd to hear it. That’s all.”

“I get that. I wish I was there. I’d prefer to cause those tingles in person. Like when I’m trailing my fingertips up and down your spine.”

“Hm, surprise surprise. I’d prefer the same thing.”

“I really should have brought you with me. Next time, Taz. Next time I come home, you’re coming with.”

“We’ll see.” I had to get off that topic of conversation. “Look, I’ve got a meeting starting in 5 and I need to prep a bit. We’ll talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I might call later tonight. Then again, I may just crash. Miss you.”

“Miss you, too. Bye.”

“Bye, Sweetness.”

He didn’t call later. I took it to mean he crashed, which was good.

It was the same thing almost every day. Phone calls, mostly. Catching up on each other’s day. Talking and making each other crazy. A couple of texts. And then Thanksgiving.

Kristi makes the absolute best pie crusts, so she brought the pumpkin and pecan pies. Yeah, it was just the two of us, but this had become a tradition over the years. By the time she was knocking on my door, I had the bird (I’d named him Harrison, Harry for short) in the oven and all the sides in various stages of readiness.

We hadn’t seen each other since before Chris and I first met, so we had some catching up to do. We did that while Harry was cooking and we were watching movies. Our tradition started several years ago. We’d choose an actor or actress and each choose two movies and we’d watch them in chronological order. We’d had some interesting people (Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwel) and this year was no exception: Christopher Walken.

We got caught up on lots of stuff, all the while avoiding the looming topic. It wasn’t until we were sitting down to eat that she brought “it” up.

“So, I’ve been sitting here waiting for you to talk about him, and I see that you won’t so I gotta know, what’s going on between you and Chris? Come on, spill the beans.”

I ate for a bit, trying to figure out how to answer that one.

“Come on, if it were anyone else I would’ve asked you as soon as I got here and you know it. Out with it. Are you two seeing each other?”

I knew she was right. She would’ve completely pounced on me as soon as she walked in.

“Kristi, I’ve never been in a situation like this before.”

“What, that he’s an actor?”

“No. No no no. That you know both of us. That he’s more than just an acquaintance. You’re friends with him. What happens if it doesn’t work out?”

“You think it’s not gonna work out? Babe, you two are perfect for each other.”

“That’s not the point. What if it doesn’t. Do I lose you as a friend?”

“Unless you cheat on him or mistreat him? No. But the same goes for him. He won’t lose me as a friend unless he does something really wrong. Why don’t you think it’ll work out?”

“My track record isn’t all that good. Look at what happened with Harrison.”

“Can I tell you something?” Ugh. It was never good when she had that tone of voice.

“Sure.”

“I never thought you and Harrison were a good fit.” Excuse me?

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“You said you were in love with him. I wanted to be supportive.”

“So, now with Chris, is this you simply being supportive, or do you think we’re a good fit?”

“That means you’re in love with him. Wait, does that mean you’re in love with him?”

“I’ve only known him for two weeks.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Yeah, it is an answer. I’ve only known him for two weeks. I don’t know him well enough to know if I’m in love with him.”

“Ah, then obviously there’s been no sex.”

“You can have sex without love!”

“That answers my question. You did have sex. How was it?”

“Seriously?”

“Hell yeah, Chris is hotter than hell. Is he a good kisser?”

“I thought you two dated.”

“We went out on two dates, hugged both times. We knew ‘us’ would never happen. Doesn’t mean I’m not curious, though. So, is he a good kisser?”

“We are not having this conversation. I won’t talk about what he’s like when it comes to, you know, intimate stuff.”

“Since when can’t you say ‘sex’?”

“Since you know both of us.  _Really well_ , too. Just, no.”

“You know I’ll get it out of him. You may as well just spill.

“No. Look, you have whatever relationship you have with him. You talk with him about whatever you’re gonna talk about. I’m not gonna talk about him. About us.”

“So, there is an us?”

“Jesus! Why are you on me about this?”

“Because you guys are actually a good fit and I don’t want to see you screw this up!”

“Me. Of course, me. Of course  _I’m_  gonna be the one to screw it up. Thanks for your vote of confidence.” I started to gather my dishes and I felt her hand on mine.

“Taz, you’re afraid. Don’t let that drive your decisions.”

“Am not.” Seriously, where does she get off?

“Yeah, you are. Harrison was an ass and hurt you. Chris isn’t. You can trust him. You trust me, don’t you?” I couldn’t look at her, but I nodded. “I know what Harrison did. And I know how he made you doubt yourself when it came to your relationship. Chris is not Harrison. He is a good man. He is a really good man and he will treat you right. Trust that. Trust me, trust what I say.”

The rest of the night was spent with her trying to reassure me mixed with trying to get information out of me until I threatened to send her home with no leftovers if she didn’t stop.

She finally stopped. Who doesn’t want Thanksgiving leftovers?

I didn’t go shopping on Friday. I hate shopping with crowds. I looooove online shopping. I looked around for stuff and put my shopping list together and made note of where all the items would be come Monday so I could take advantage of Cyber Monday deals.

Chris called. He’d gotten roped into heading out to do some Black Friday shopping and had to brave the malls. I teased him mercilessly. He was not amused. That didn’t matter, though, because I was amused. We hadn’t had a chance to really talk on Thanksgiving. He’d called before the day had gotten underway for him to check in. Then a couple of texts throughout the day was all we had. It was nice to get caught up with him on Friday after he got home from the crazy crowds.

Saturday, I watched a bunch of movies. I had to. I couldn’t keep my eye off the clock. Chris was coming home tomorrow! He was switching to the earliest flight out so he could be here early. Chris was going to be here early!

I stocked up on some more jelly beans and candles for when he got back, and I put together some fabulous snacks for my movie marathon that was going to keep me occupied and my brain off the clock and off Chris and god but  _it wasn’t working_. It probably didn’t help that it was movies like Push, and The Losers, and What’s My Number and my favorites, both Captain Americas and the Avengers. Yeah. If I couldn’t have him in person, I’d have him by proxy.

And I watched the movies and realized that I was only half watching them, but half watching was better than no watching, I surmised.

And realized that waiting was going to be the death of me.

At that most crucial part in Push, there was a knock on my door. I checked my clock, wondering who the hell was at my door. Better not be neighborhood kids again. When I checked the peephole, I saw flowers. I flashed back to 2 weeks ago when Chris came over and was Kristi’s apology. Oh my god, it couldn’t possibly be him here any sooner, could it?!? I was so happy to see him again! I threw open the door.

“Baby, you’re he- whatthefuckareyoudoinhere?”

Harrison strode in like he owned the place.

“That’s no way to greet your boyfriend. You know the way I like you to greet me. Get your sweet ass over here and give me a kiss.”


	12. Cupcake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We start to get into some of the more difficult stuff here. Heed the tags.

Why on earth was it always my first instinct to run to this man, to do what he wanted me to do. We’d dated for almost a year, which was a decade too long, in my book.

“Get the fuck out of here, Harrison. I didn’t invite you in.”

I hoped my hatred was coming across. I hated his gorgeous face. I hated his perfect features. He was the ugliest person I’d ever known. Didn’t mean he wasn’t gorgeous to look at. He was simply a hideous man.

“Cupcake, you cut that out and get your ass over here. You  _know_  you don’t want me to get angry.”

I really bristled at that nickname. I’d never liked it and he knew it. He knew why and used it anyway. That should have been my first clue as to who he really was. I should’ve tossed him out on his ear the moment he didn’t take my feelings into account. It would’ve saved me a helluva lot.

“Harry, your emotional state isn’t my concern. Hasn’t been for quite some time. I want you to get out of my house and don’t ever come back. Don’t ever contact me. Just don’t.” Why wouldn’t he just leave?

“That’s no way to talk to your boyfriend.” Was he trying to make me throw up?

“I haven’t seen you for 10 months. How, exactly, does that make me your girlfriend?”

“You know you’re my best girl.” And there it was. That tone.  _And that phrase_.

“Yeah, I  _was_  your best girl.” The hard-edged tone to my voice should’ve conveyed to him what I thought of being called his ‘best girl’.

“No, Cupcake, you  _are_  my best girl. Just because I haven’t been by in a while doesn’t mean you haven’t been my best girl all along.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I tossed you out on your fucking ear. I had to deal with the phone calls from your supposed friends. You’d implied a hell of a lot of shit with them, left me hanging with them, you avoided my calls, and had me find out, from Brent, you were fucking Anna behind my back. You were fucking her for most of the time we were together.”

“You were still my best girl.”

“Harry, don’t ever call me that again. Get out.”

“Do you know why you’re my best girl?” He was trying to get under my skin. It was working.

“Harry. Seriously. Shut the fuck up and get out.”

“I’ll tell you why you were my best girl. Because you always did what I told you to do.”

“Harry, I’m going to call the cops if you don’t leave. Leave!”

“No, you won’t call the cops. You don’t want anyone to find out what you did, do you?”

“I didn’t do anything, as I recall, except to kick your ass out of my house.”

“Cupcake, you know you agreed to everything.”

“No, I didn’t. If you don’t fucking cut it out with the fucking ‘Cupcake’ nonsense and get the fuck out of my fucking house, I will fucking call the fucking cops. I don’t give a shit about the fucking consequences.”

“No, you won’t call the cops. You don’t want your current boyfriend to find out what you did, do you?” And there it was. He knew. But did he?

“What do you mean, my current boyfriend?” I was testing him.

“That actor you’re seeing. The one you were photographed with. Chris whatshisface.” He saw the look on my face,  _he fucking knew_ , and pounced.

“You know he’s got a morals clause in his contract. They all do."

“ _I_  didn’t do anything immoral!”

“That’s not the way I’ll spin the story, honey. Now, we’ll do it again, keep it hidden from him, and this time, you’ll get a cut. Better yet, make it the two of you. We’ll make a ton off of this.”

“You have got to be kidding me! Get out of my house, now!”

“What would you do if your neighbors got wind of what you did? If they saw the evidence? What about your boyfriend? How long do you think you two would last?”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Try me.”

“You motherfucker.” I wouldn’t put it past him.

“That’s right, Cupcake, you know I’d do it.”

“Get out of my house.” I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm, fingers digging in. “Get off of me!” I didn’t like violence. I  _really_  didn’t like violence. But with as hard as he was grabbing my arm, I mean, his grip was a vice with his fingers digging into my soft inner arm, I felt I was defending myself.

The slap echoed off the walls.

He backhanded me hard enough to whip my head around. I was stunned.

“Cupcake, you know you’re a worthless piece of trash. You’re lower than a fucking whore.” The viciousness of his words surprised me for a few moments. The tears finally came. It was the rage I felt, along with the feeling of complete impotence at the situation I found myself in. He could still get to me. I felt so weak in that instant.

“Then you shouldn’t want anything to do with me, should you. Get out.”

He didn’t move. I was finally able to wrench my arm from him and rushed to the door.

“GOD DAMN IT! I TOLD YOU TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! GET OUT! LEAVE!”

I yanked opened the door so hard, tears streaming down my face, that it almost got away from me and crashed into the wall behind me.

“LEAVE! NOW!”

“Sweetness, fuck baby, what’s wrong? What’s going on here?”

Everything was blurry through my tears, but I could’ve sworn it was Chris on the other side of the door. “Dude, I don’t know who you are, or what’s going on here, but my girlfriend just asked you to leave. Get out now.”

I started trembling as I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes. I felt him pull me into his arms and it was so familiar. I was protected. I wasn’t alone anymore, having to face off with the ass. I completely broke down.

“Taz, it’s okay, I got you.” As Chris walked me to my sofa, I heard him address Harry again. “Get out.” He sat me down and, from the change I heard in his voice, he’d turned around. “I said get out. Now.” Ooo, he broken out his serious voice. If I wasn’t an emotional wreck, I would’ve been quite happy.

Luckily, Harry chose to leave. But, he left with a parting shot.

“You know you’ll come crawling back to me, Cupcake.” My cringe at that nickname was unmistakable, and even through my tears I could see that Chris caught it. “When he finds out, he’ll leave you. You’ll come back.”

I breathed a sigh of relief when my door closed.

Elbows on my knees, face in my hands, I cried. No, I didn’t just cry. I bawled.

I’m not too proud to admit it. I took full advantage of Chris still being nice to me. I clung to him for dear life, while I could.

It took a while, but I finally started to calm down. It helped tremendously that Chris was rubbing my back with large, slow, lazy circles. He kept kissing either the top of my head or my forehead.

Before he had a chance to ask, I spoke up.

“I need a few minutes. I need some water and some Advil and some Kleenex. I’ll tell you what was going on here. But I need you to be prepared. It’s not good.”

“Take your time, baby. But I gotta know one thing. Who was that?”

“That piece of shit was Harrison Quill.”

"The guy you used to date? That Harrison?"

I nodded, got up off the sofa and went back to my bedroom. I prepared myself for the conversation I was about to have. I'd hoped I wouldn't need to, at least, not early in our relationship. Boy was I wrong. I got presentable, as presentable as I could, anyway, and came back out. I’d changed into a sweater since it was much colder in my house. Or maybe I was just imagining the chill that had settled over everything. I headed out to grab some water and Advil and was greeted with a mug of tea.

The most thoughtful human on the planet made me start to cry, yet again, with his simple act of kindness. I couldn’t hold myself upright any longer, so he scooped me up in his arms and deposited me on the sofa. When he went to grab my tea, I scrambled for the blanket he’d bought for me. I wrapped it around my shoulders and breathed deeply, imagining it was his arms.

When Chris came back in, he sat next to me and tried to hug me after putting the tea on the coffee table. I backed up from him and he was taken aback. I could tell he was hurt by my action.

“I can’t. I’m afraid this is all I’m going to have left of you. And I need to keep this blanket, this memory, intact. I can’t have you stop holding me after you find out, after you find out. That’ll break me.”

“Baby, Taz, you are scaring me. What the hell did I walk in on?”

“He threatened, to tell you.” Tears came to my eyes again.

“Tell me what?” He was really concerned, but I wasn’t sure why. Was it concern for me? It would probably end up being concern for his reputation. I wouldn’t blame him.

“Tell you about stuff. Stuff he did. He was going to make it sound like I agreed. He fucking humiliated me.” I could barely hold it together.

“Sweetness, what the fuck did he do to you?” I could tell he was frustrated. I would’ve been too, had I been in his shoes.

“He,” oh god, how could I possibly say this to him? I couldn’t, I had to shut my eyes, look away. Mumbling, I finished my thought, “taped us.” It took a moment for it to sink in.

“He taped… he taped you?!” His hand, gentle on my jaw, made me look at him. I saw the pain on his face. I just knew he was sorry he’d spent any time with me, had been photographed with me. I could tell the implications were sinking in.

It started to pour out of me.

“He kept after me for weeks, for months, begging me to let him. I finally agreed, thinking, I don’t know what I thought. That it would bring us closer? I thought he loved me. I was in love with him.” I couldn’t look at Chris. I couldn’t watch his disappointment. “He,” I couldn’t even have him looking at my face, even with my eyes closed, so I turned away. Barely above a whisper, I continued. “He sold copies of it.”

“What did you say?” He sounded like he didn’t believe me. It would be inconceivable to most people, what he’d done. Great, Harry’d gotten what he wanted. “He sold…” At least I didn’t have to repeat myself “Oh my god. Oh my god!”  _And here it comes_ , I thought.  _He’s going to leave me_. “I’m gonna fucking kill that son of a bitch. No, he’s gonna wish for death by the time I’m done with him.” I’d never heard him like that. Chris scared me.

He quickly got up off the sofa and went back to my bedroom. Yeah, taking back everything in there that was his: the lingerie, his t-shirt. I don’t think he had anything else. I was prepared for him to come striding out and leave. When that didn’t happen right away, I simply closed my eyes and cried. I don’t know how long I was like that.

I felt him grab hold of my hands and pull me up off the sofa. Chris carried me back to my bedroom, setting me on my feet. He gave me a hug. I wanted to melt into that hug, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to be prepared for him to leave.

“Open your eyes, Sweetness.” I finally did.  “Did he hurt you?”

“Just where he grabbed my arm. But I’m okay.”

“That motherfucker. I’m gonna take care of this, I’m gonna take care of you. He’d not gonna hurt you anymore. I promise you that.” He held me while my body settled.

“Baby, I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow. Why are you here?”

“I came home extra early to surprise you.”

“I think I’m the one who surprised you. I am so sorry-”

“Shhh. Just shhhhh. None of that, now. I missed you, Sweetness.” His hand cupped my face and I leaned into him, heavily. I’d missed him so much, and it felt so right in his arms. But, would he really stick by me?

“I’m gonna take care of you. You won’t ever have to deal with him again.” We hugged. After a few minutes he moved back from me.

“Let’s get ready for bed, baby.”

He took such care in undressing me. He quickly shed his clothes, down to his boxer-briefs in a matter of moments. He got us into bed, our bodies flush against each other as I held onto him for dear life.

Chris gave me exactly what I needed: the absolute best hug in the history of the world. It took me a while, but I finally relaxed enough to fall asleep in his arms.


	13. Good Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has mentions of domestic violence/abuse

When I awoke Sunday morning, I had a raging migraine. That happens after I've had quite a bit of time of hard crying, or any other extreme emotions, or any amount of red wine. I tried to get out of bed, but every time I moved my head, pain. Severe pain. Like I-wanted-to-cut-my-head-off-with-a-dull-butter-knife-because-that-would've-hurt-less pain.

Next thing I tried to do was open my eyes. Big, big mistake. Huge. A corner of my curtain was caught on the sill and there was a ray of light going into the bathroom, opposite direction from me. Holy cow, not ice picks, railroad spikes. Railroad spikes were being driven into my eyes and brain and then moved about as if to create a stew. It was going to take me quite some time to get to my medication.

I know I made noise. Probably a cross between a groan and a scream.

“Sweetness, what’s wrong?” Oh god, I’d forgotten. Chris was here.

“Purse. Medication. Migraine.”

I don’t know how long it took, but he found it. I suddenly had water,  _with a straw_ , and my medication in front of me. After swallowing the pill, I put my hands in front of my face and curled into a ball.

“What else can I do for you?” I heard the concern. He was trying to take care of me. I’d never had anyone do that for me. I’d always had to endure this kind of shit on my own.

“Ice bag. Towel. Head.” It hurt to talk. It hurt to move. It hurt to think. _I hurt_.

When I’m in this amount of pain, I lose track of time. Minutes become decades. I think I was 80 when I felt my head being gingerly lifted and placed on something cool, turning colder. It wouldn’t get rid of the pain, but it would help.

“Thank you.”

“Taz, will massaging your head make you feel better?”

“Pro’ly.”

I think I passed out as opposed to falling asleep. When I was conscious the next time, I felt his hand rubbing my head, fingertips providing a little bit of relief from the pain I still felt. It was going away, but not gone. It was almost at a manageable level.

“Thank you.”

“Ah, you’re awake. How’re you feeling?” How nice, he was whispering.

“Better, pain’s going away. Not gone, but going away.”

“Go back to sleep, Sweetness. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

As I drifted off this time, I felt a kiss on my head.

I woke a third time. I had a headache hangover. I was groggy and exhausted and there was some residual pain, but this I could handle.

I felt his fingertips on my neck, gently stroking and I shivered and goose bumps broke out.

“You must be awake. Are you feeling any better?”

In answer, I turned over, moving the ice bag and putting my head on the pillow. I put my arm around him and snuggled in closely, really burrowing into him.

“Why are you being so nice to me? You should be running for the hills.”

“I’m not gonna lie, Sweetness, I thought about it.”

“You should, ‘cause that shit-for-brains is gonna make my life hell. Your life, too.”

“He can try, but-“

“You need to understand.” I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t see his reaction, I couldn’t witness that moment when he decided to bolt, to run far far away. “He came over last night because he saw the pictures of us. He knew about us when he stopped by.” I was pretty sure that was the only reason he’d come over. If we hadn’t been photographed, I never would’ve seen him. “He suggested that I tape us and give it to him. That we’d make a fortune off of it.”

I felt him stiffen. I didn’t want to tell him this shit. But, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Harrison would find a way to make sure Chris found out about all this. He’d blow my life up on just the hint that something might be in it for him. My headache started to come back about the same time as my tears.

“What did you say to that?” Wow, he was incredibly cautious. I couldn’t blame him.

“I believe my response was something like ‘get out of my house’. I may have even said ‘get out of my fucking house’. Said? Yelled? Screamed? I don’t know, I was dropping the f-bomb quite liberally last night.”

“So, you haven’t recorded us?”

Now I was the one to stiffen.

“I’m sorry, Swee-“

“Don’t!”

“You can’t-“

“No, no nono, nonono, I meant don’t apologize. You have  _every right_  to ask that question. I haven’t, and I never will. And I’ll never let anyone else record us, either.  _NEVER_.” I started rocking a bit as my migraine continued to return. “I need more medication.”

“I thought your headache was going away?”

“It’s coming back, with a vengeance.”

As he left, I couldn’t help but wonder: who was this man who didn’t seem to have flaws? Why was he being so good to me? I didn’t understand. He came back with more medication.

As I was taking it, he freshened my ice bag for me. When he came back and made it appear he was going to lay with me again, I had to get him to see reason.

“You should leave.”  _Please don’t go_.

“I’m not leaving you like this.”  _Thank god_!

“You know you want to. You should just go and never look back.”  _Don’t listen to me_.

“Do you want me to go, never look back?”  _NO_!

I shook my head.

“Good, because I’m not, I wasn't going to. Besides, I’m taking care of this. It won’t be an issue.” What?

“I don’t understand. How could this not be an issue?”

“Good. Don’t try to understand. Don’t ask questions. Just let me handle it. Come here. Wait, let me come to you.”

Rather than moving me, he moved. So thoughtful, so considerate. He had to be hiding some sort of major flaw. Did he bite the heads off live chickens? Did he kick puppies? Did he steal little kids’ Crayolas when they weren’t looking?

“Let’s not talk about this anymore, ‘kay? Just relax and concentrate on getting rid of your headache.” I like that alternative.

It was several hours and another nap later that we found ourselves in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to eat. Once I had a migraine I had to be careful what I ate. Things like avocados and peanuts could trigger another one. They’d never give me one to begin with, but if I’d had one, I couldn’t eat them for a couple of days. We settled on some pasta with a marinara (absolutely no aged cheese for me, thank you very much), and Chris was doing the cooking. There was still a somber mood hanging over our heads. I just wanted to get past this and move on with my life.  _If I could_.

I was at the counter near the sink, cutting up some vegetables for the salad that was to accompany our meal. Everything was simmering and Chris had a few moments before the timer went off for the pasta. He wound his arms around my waist and things started to feel more normal. He kissed my neck just as the buzzer went off. For some reason he wanted to stick this out with me. I was not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

He asked me to test the pasta, see if it was done. I turned and opened my mouth.

“Baby, what happened to your face?” He put down the tongs and gently turned my head.

“What do you mean?”

“Looks like a bruise, on your cheek. Do migraines give you bruises?” Concern rang in his voice.

“I guess anything could be possible, but I doubt it. Where’s the bruise?” I was touching my temple and forehead, assuming that’s where the bruise would be if it was somehow caused by my migraine.

He gingerly touched my cheekbone almost under my eye and there was immediate soreness. Flinching, I pulled away. I put my hand to the spot he’d touched and went into the bathroom. It took me a moment to figure out what it was, what had happened.

Ah. Yes. I realized what had happened and I couldn’t look at him.

He saw my realization.

“How’d it happen?” From inquisitive to suspicious in three words.

“It was nothing, really.”

“Taz, what happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I walked out of the bathroom and past him, back into the kitchen.

“Anastazia,” that sure got my attention and stopped me in my tracks, “tell me. What happened?”

“Chris, please, it’s no b-”

“Don’t you even tell me he did this to you.” He knew.  _Fuck_.

“It was my fault, really, Chris.” I felt like a small child again.

“How is him hitting you your fault?”

“I didn’t say he hit me.” I sighed. There was no use trying to deny it. “Look, I got angry and I slapped him. He just, well, slapped me back.”

“What did he do that got you so angry that you hit him?”

“He wouldn’t let go of my arm.”

“The arm that you have the finger-sized bruises on.” I couldn't help but rub them. My arm was so tender.

“Yeah.”

I could tell he was angry. Furious even. I had to justify my actions. I needed him not to be angry with me.

“I know, I shouldn’t have hit Harrison, but his fingers were really digging into my arm. It hurt, it still does. He wouldn’t let go. I was just trying to get him to let me go.”

He had a look on his face I couldn’t read. I rushed on with my explanation.

“Look. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not a violent person, really. I hate it, I  _hate_  violence. But, well, I just-”

“Sweetness, please look at me.” There was a surprising softness to his voice. Once I did, he continued.

“Would you have slapped him if he’d let go when you told him to?”

“No, of course not. And I shouldn’t have-”

“Do you think I’m angry with you?”

“Um,” I was sure before, but with his tone of voice, and his question, I was perplexed. “I don’t know?”

“No. I am not angry with you.”

“But-”

“No. No ‘but’s’ on this. I have no cause to be angry with you. He had no business hurting you. He had no business grabbing your arm, or hitting you when all you were doing was defending yourself. You have my word. No one will ever lay a hand on you again. No one. If they do, they answer to me.” The quiet intensity was more than I could handle.

“Chris, you’re scaring me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry.”

“Sweetness,  _I’m_  sorry, I don’t mean to scare you. And I am not angry with you. You have nothing to apologize for. Just know that no one will ever touch you like that again. No one.”

His touch was gentle. Even though he touched where my bruise was, his touch didn’t hurt. His eyes were searching mine, trying to connect with me.

“I will never hurt you, Sweetness.” He sounded so sincere. But, he was an actor...

“But, Chris, I provoked him. I could easily provoke you.”

“No. No you didn’t. And no you couldn’t ever provoke me to hit you.”

“I made him mad, and I hit him.”

“You need to hear me on this. It is never acceptable for a man to hit a woman.”

“Chris, seriously, I  _hit_  him.”

“Was his life in jeopardy? Did you pose an imminent threat? Could he not have just grabbed your wrists to stop you? Or maybe, better yet, walked away, or maybe, even better, never come over to begin with, never _grab you_ to begin with? Were you going to haul off and beat him senseless? No. Never acceptable.”

He didn't understand. I had to make him understand. I had to speak quickly if I was going to salvage our, well, whatever it was.

“Chris, Daddy always told me it was my fault for making him angry to begin with, that I had to be careful and be a good girl so I wouldn’t make him mad. My Daddy was very mean when he was mad. I only ever made him mad twice, but it was because I was young. But I promise, I learned my lesson, and I never made him mad again. I promise, I’ll never make you mad.”

I had never been pulled into someone’s arms so quickly in my life. His hold was so strong, it was hard to breathe.

“I will never hurt you, Taz.”

“Chris, I can’t breathe.” I was squeaking.

He relaxed his grip, but just enough to let me breathe.

“I will never hurt you. I will never raise a hand against you. I will never hit you. I’m sure we’ll get into arguments and yell, but I will never throw anything at you, never raise a hand, never hit. Never. And God help any man, any  _person_ , anyone who ever raises a hand against you. He’ll have to answer to me.”

I’d never felt this. For the first time in my life, I felt safe. That, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he would never hurt me. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I felt safe. I felt relief. I felt  _at home_. With the relief came tears. While I was tired of crying, and really not wanting my migraine to come back, these were tears I didn’t mind quite so much. But Chris didn’t know what to make of them.

“Sweetness, what’s wrong, what can I do?” I didn’t like hearing him helpless.

“Just hold me, please?” It was a soft plea, and it was heard.

We stood in the kitchen and he held me as I began to release my pent up fears.


	14. Hunger

When he left Monday morning, I asked Chris out on a date for Friday night. I’d been planning something and was hoping he hadn’t made plans. I was thrilled to find out he hadn’t. I told him it would be casual and I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. He told me he had something to check on for Saturday and would let me know later in the week. I was a little surprised, and then realized that we wouldn’t always be spending every weekend with each other. He could tell something was up with me, but didn’t say anything, which I appreciated. Sometimes I just need to process stuff on my own.

We spoke every day, several times a day. I’d already known we wouldn’t see each other during the week since he had lots of early meetings, dealing with agents and PR and studios and all that stuff. He did surprise me by showing up to the office on Wednesday to take me to lunch.

We went to a local diner. It was decent enough food. The company was far better. We sat next to each other and chatted and held hands and played footsie. And we laughed about playing footsie. He asked me what our plans were for Friday and I would only tell him to dress casual. I asked him whether or not he was going to stay over. He asked me what I had planned for Saturday and when I told him errands, he asked if I could do them some other time. When I asked him why, I got a lovely smart-ass response.

“If you’re not gonna tell me what we’re doing Friday night, I’m not telling you what we’re doing Saturday.” Shades of our first date had me smiling and giggling.

When we got back into the car, he turned to me before starting it up.

“I didn’t want to ask about this before, in the diner. I didn’t want anyone to overhear.” He got a look on his face I hadn’t seen since before he left for Thanksgiving. “Have you been a good girl?”

“Yeah, of course I’ve been a-” the meaning finally hit me and I looked down quickly, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth. When I looked up, I decided to play coy. “I think you’ll just have to wait until the weekend to find out.”

His adorably wicked smile told me he was going to have fun finding out just how good I’d been. He started his car and drove me back to the office.

We did have a problem, though, and I didn’t know how to address it. I’d normally just say something, make sure I hadn’t made a mistake or made him angry, and move on. But I was in uncharted territory here and I didn’t know what to do.

See, we hadn’t really kissed since he got back. We were dealing with Harrison and my meltdown on Saturday, and then my migraine and that other stuff on Sunday. When he left on Monday, well, I didn’t know where I stood with him.

And now? I figured he was still interested in me since we were still going out on Friday, and now Saturday, too. But things had become, well, a bit strained. I know he felt it too. And I wanted to say something, really I did. And I’d like to think I would have if I didn’t have to go back to work. I don’t know what I would’ve done, though, if he’d said he wasn’t ready to kiss me yet. I didn’t want to find out. I continued to avoid the topic.

“So, I still need to know if you’re staying over Friday night. I need to know if I’m going to pick you up at your place of if you’re coming over.”

“I’ll stay over Friday, if that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay. If you could, please get to my place between 5 and 6. We’ll have a quick dinner and then be on our way.”

“You’re still not gonna tell me, are you?”

“No, I’m not. I think you’ll have fun, though. At least, I hope you will.”

We were at my building. There were people looking into the car. Some of them were from my office and since they recognized me, they knew who I was with. I quickly got out so I didn’t have to deal with kissing him, if that was what he’d wanted, in front of coworkers. Everything turned so awkward.

“I’ll see you Friday, Chris. Bye.”

“Bye, Sweetness.”

There. That’s what I’d needed to hear. I still wanted to talk to him about what was going on, but was happy to hear him use his name for me.

He’d caused quite the commotion at the office and I had tons of questions come my way after I got back. Yes, I was the girl in the photos that had come out the week before (I didn’t realize just how many people at work read that trash, good to know). Yes, he was why I’d been so happy recently. No, I was not going to discuss my relationship with anyone. It got to a point where I was getting so many people stopping by my office that I couldn’t get any work done. My boss stopped in when she realized what was going on and she saw the look on my face. She knew I wasn’t happy as the center of this kind of attention. Next thing I knew, HR called a quick meeting. They asked everyone to allow me to do my work and to respect my privacy. They asked that this not become a topic of conversation. Thank you and back to work. It was all business-like. It solved the problem, for a couple of hours. I finally had to start closing the door to my office.

The rest of the day, and Thursday, marched by quickly. Lots to do at the office and at home. I was working late, so those two nights were spent cleaning and doing laundry and getting to the store to get his favorites, at least, those that I knew about. I wanted him to feel at home. I knew I didn’t need to make him feel special, but after Harrison, I just wanted to be sure he knew who I wanted to have in my place.

We still texted each day, and talked at night. He kept trying to get our destination out of me, but I wouldn’t budge. I’d also decided not to pester him about Saturday.

Then Friday was here. And the day, naturally, dragged and dragged. My boss knew what I’d planned and let me duck out early to make sure I was ready by the time Chris got there.

I had more than enough time, so I took my clothes out, including the lingerie I wanted to wear. I was pretty sure they were his favorites of those he’d bought for me. I drew a bubble bath and relaxed. I had some nice, soft music playing in the background and luxuriated in the sudsy water. I awoke to my alarm. Knowing my penchant for falling asleep in the tub I’d set my alarm. It was about half an hour until Chris might show up, so I was plenty good on time.

Grabbing a beer from the refrigerator, I fixed my hair and makeup and got dressed. I was putting on my shoes when I heard a knock at my door. I checked and sure enough, it was him. I did a last second check of my outfit and opened the door, big smile on my face.

He took one look at what I was wearing and broke out into the biggest grin as he came in.

“Please tell me that means what I think it means.”

“What do you think it means?” I had to play with him. It was required by law, the taunting and the teasing.

“Are we going? To the game?” He sounded so hopeful.

I nodded, fast and slight, more of a quick shake to my head than anything.

“Are you serious!? We’re going?”

“Yes. We’re going. Now you have a couple of options. You can wear what you’re wearing. You can change into the Lakers’ jersey I bought for you, or we can head back to your place so you can change, but only if you want to.”

“Well, see, it’s like this.” He unzipped the leather jacket he was wearing and I saw his Celtics t-shirt. “I knew they were playing tonight, so I thought I’d show some solidarity.”

“Are you sure you want to wear it in Staples?”

“Hell yeah! Come here.” He waved me over. I took a few steps before he grabbed my hand, pulling me along quickly. He leaned in and kissed me, hard. He caught me off-guard and the sound that came out of me, well, I sounded thoroughly desperate. But that’s because I was.

I wanted him. I  _needed_  him.

He dropped to his knees. He stripped my jeans down to my ankles. Playfully, he knocked me off my feet and onto my back, catching me so I didn’t hit my head and I knew this was going to be fast and furious.

“Sweetness, oh god I’ve missed you.”

Grabbing him by his shirt, I pulled him down to me. As much as I wanted him inside me, for now, this moment, all I wanted was this kiss. As we kissed, though, lips and tongues searching, needy, the fire within grew at an exponential rate. I grabbed for his belt and as soon as there was enough room, my hand reached in and wrapped around his hardening flesh. The back of my hand against his abdomen, I let my nails gently scrape along the underside of his cock as I stroked him. I swallowed his groans as he thrust into my fist.

I wanted more, I wanted him in my mouth, but that’s not what he wanted.

He got back on his knees and shoved his jeans and boxer-briefs down. He tossed his jacket to the floor before remembering something. I was scrambling to get my shoes and jeans off as he put a condom on.

“I need to check something out.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me as he mumbled.

He leaned over me and I thought he meant to kiss me. Instead, I felt his fingers enter me.

“Oh my god, Chris!” My back arched and my hips thrust onto his hand as I grabbed his shoulders. It had been almost two weeks since we’d last made love and I had missed this, craved this.

“God, you are soaked.” He stilled his fingers. “Have you been my good girl? Did you do what I asked? Are your orgasms still mine?” He was so close to me, searching my eyes, wordlessly begging me to tell him the truth, and that the truth be a simple ‘yes’, that I was still his.

I smiled and nodded at him. “Yes. There were so many times I wanted just to touch myself, like you had, but I didn’t. We made that agreement. And I stuck to it. It was really hard, but I did it.”

His smile made me all warm and fuzzy. Or maybe it was his fingers, now pumping in and out of me, scraping, crooking, seeking, playing in my pussy. Or maybe it was his tongue that sought the cavern of my mouth, seeking more of me. Or maybe it was his cock as he plunged into me, the flash of burn giving way to the embers lighting and warming my whole body.

We both needed our release, were desperate for it.

I’d grabbed his hips and pulled him into me with each thrust. My feet, bare on the floor and pulled up near my ass, gave me leverage to thrust into him. But it wasn’t enough for either of us. Chris paused, reaching his arms under each of my knees, tilting and opening me up to him. He took full advantage and the head of his cock made contact with, pummeled my g-spot and he had me groaning with each thrust.

I took one hand off his hips and shoved those fingers into his mouth and he sucked and tongued them, getting them all nice and wet. When his mouth finally opened, I immediately made my way to my clit, finding that spot that would quickly set me off. My whole body was trembling as my eyes closed.

“Open your eyes.” That  _command_ , from that  _voice_. “You look at me when you come. Your orgasm’s mine.”

I was so caught up in what he’d said. I was stunned.

“Say it. Say it’s mine. Tell me it’s mine.”

“Yours. Yes, it’s yours, Chris.” I felt his hips stutter at my concession. That lovely cascade had started deep within me. I’d soon hit the point of no return, but if I could hold it off as long as I could, it’d be that much sweeter. “Fuck, Oh god, Chris, I’m gonna come!” I stopped my fingers, letting his movements, him filling me up, the snap of his hips as his cock plunged in, push me over the edge. It took just a few extra seconds, but because of it, my entire body contracted, convulsed. I felt like I was being turned inside out. It completely consumed me.

My scream came from somewhere, I know not where.

It took a few brief moments for me to come back to the here and now, just in time to feel Chris and look into his eyes and hear his own roar as he came, each deep thrust in lasting longer until he stopped, completely immersed.

“Wow.” I giggled at my understatement.

Chris took his arms out from under my knees and I moved my legs, groaning as the muscles stretched back to normal.

“Yeah, Sweetness, wow’s right.” He settled on top of me and I hugged him close as we both recovered.

“That was just-”

“Yeah, it was.” Gentle kisses. “I really missed you, Taz.”

I wanted nothing but to kiss him for the rest of the night.


	15. Celtics v. Lakers

I could have easily kissed him all night long. I’d missed his kisses, first the week he was home in Boston, then the week here, dealing with my crap. I’d felt really bad about that which was why I thought take him to see his Celtics play when they’re here in town. I’d been a little concerned, and, truth be told, I was still somewhat unsure of us. Even after that spectacular display. Obviously, he’d missed me, too. I was still back to doubting myself, us.

I needed to talk to him about last weekend, and about a decision I’d made. But tonight was not the night for that. Tonight was about showing my appreciation for him.

“Chris, we should get going if we’re going to make it to the game.”

He was making it a point to let me know we didn’t need to be on time to the game. That point was the tip of his tongue barely tracing the shell of my ear before he gently sucked my earlobe into his mouth. He knew that drove me crazy. He’d figured that out before we’d even kissed. I was in trouble, and I just didn’t give a fuck. Well, I did. A little bit.

“We don’t have to be there for tipoff.” He hadn’t let go so I  _felt_  those words.

“You do want to go, right? I did a good thing?”

“Oh baby, yeah. Sweetness, that was so thoughtful of you. Wait. Hold on. You bought those tickets, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

After getting dressed and freshening up, we finally made it out to the car I’d hired for the night. I’d asked them to stock beer in the cooler and they had. Once we were underway and each had a beer, we chatted for a bit, truly getting caught up on the week and what we’d done.

Of course I also tried to get information out of him about Saturday. I thought that sex and beer might have loosened his tongue, but it didn’t.

And then I thought,  _I hoped his tongue had been loosened_.

As he continued talking, I gently took the beer bottle from his hand and put the back in the cooler. I helped myself to his lap. I’d had enough of talking.

I think he was testing me when he kept talking. I’d wanted my turn to lead the way, and I was seizing my opportunity.

I kissed along his jaw and he kept talking. I put my fingertip over his mouth and he kept talking. I put my fingertip in between his lips and he kept talking. I rearranged myself so I was straddling his lap and he kept talking. I kissed him.

And he stopped talking, until I pulled away. Then he started talking. He had the biggest grin on his face. I’d known what he was doing. But he also knew what I wanted, what I was after.

I put his arms around my waist and he held me close, talking the whole time. Until I put my finger on his lips and spoke.

“Shhhhh. Just shhhhh.”

I couldn’t help but hold his face, cradling his jaw in my hands. I ran my thumb over his lower lip and was delighted to see his mouth open, just a bit.

This time, I kissed him. This time, I drove the pace. I started very slowly and felt his arms tighten, his hands traveling in opposite directions, one up my back to my neck, and one down to grab my ass. He held me firmly in place as I deepened the kiss. Chris had done such a marvelous job of making me feel wanted, desired, needed. I felt compelled to return the favor but not out of a sense of obligation. I wanted him to understand that I wanted him for him, for who he was, not for his name recognition, but for him. I wanted him to feel it. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I’d need to tell him at some point, but until I found the right words, I’d show him.

I wanted to convey to him the whole concept of “there’s something more than just the physical between us”, yet do it in a physical way. There was so much need and want and desire. And I could have easily made it about all of that. If I’d made my actions fast, demanding. Instead, I slowed everything down, even more than it was already. The kiss became more of a nuzzle. Slow, soft, gentle. We sank into that kiss. It consumed us slowly, like quicksand. Soon, I had no thoughts other than him, the feel of his hands on me as they held me in place, the scrape of his beard against the sensitive skin of my cheeks and chin, the softness of his lips as they gave way and he let me take control. We both finally needed a bit of air.

“Damn, Sweetness. What’s gotten into you?”

“You did, baby. I’m finally taking my turn.” My hand, buried in his hair, took hold and pulled his head back. I had a mighty need for his neck. I kissed and licked my way down, finding the hollow and I hung out there for a while and nipped and sucked and kissed. I loved hearing his sounds. And they got better as I nibbled my way up to his Adam’s apple. Rather than pull his head back by his hair, though, I had to feel his jaw. Moving the palm of my hand around to his chin, I gently tilted his head back and he moved his head a bit faster, catching my fingertips in his mouth. I whimpered against his neck and felt his moan throughout my body.

His beard, under his chin, tickled my cheek as I worked my way up. He pulled my fingers further into his mouth and then I figured out why he wouldn’t let them go. He was sucking on the fingers I’d used on myself. When that realization hit, I got to my knees, towering over him.

I pulled my fingers from his mouth as tilted his head back and kissed him. This time I didn’t want to hold back. I was insistent. I wanted more. I wanted everything.

And then the phone rang, interrupting us, startling us. I’d forgotten we were in the back of the car. Chris answered.

“Yeah, thanks. Can you give us five?”

We were at Staples Center.

As we were making ourselves presentable, we started talking about the game. Chris, of course, knew without a doubt that his team would win. I, having no idea which was the better team, ‘cause I didn’t really follow pro ball, told him that he was completely and utterly mistaken. The natural result? We made a bet. Winner got to decide what we’d do on Sunday. Personally, I didn’t care who won, I just wanted to spend time with him.

Once inside, we made our way to our seats after grabbing a couple of beers. A friend of a friend of my boss had fabulous season ticket seats and hadn’t planned on going to this particular game. I gladly paid for the seats. When Chris took of his jacket, there was quite the chorus of boos. Then he took off his baseball cap. The boos died out quickly and we both started laughing. I took off my jacket and got a cheer when people saw the Lakers jersey.

“Looks like this might,  _might_  be the one time in my life that I’m more popular than Cap. But I doubt it.”

And, as if to prove my point, a boy, couldn’t have been more than eight, approached Chris for an autograph. He quickly looked around, I assumed hoping that others weren’t on their way. He signed his ticket and ruffled his hair, turning back around quickly and putting his arm around me. I think he was trying to signal people that, at least for now, he wanted to enjoy the game.

By half-time, most of the kids in the area had their autographs. It seemed that the parents got the hint and it became the unwritten rule that kids could only approach during time-outs. And that worked.

At half-time Chris got up and moved around. I declined. We’d each had several beers and mine were affecting me. I needed a bit of food and some water, which he went to get for me. Such a gentleman.

It took him a while and the game had started back up before he got back.

“Did you get stuck signing more autographs?”

“Yeah.” He sounded a bit down.

“What’s wrong?” I felt his forehead make contact with my shoulder.

“I just wish we could go out on a date and not have people bother us.”

“I know, hon. But it’s kids and-”

“Not this time.” He reached into his pocket and, much like at the Getty, he pulled out pieces of paper with numbers and put them in my hand. I started giggling.

“This doesn’t bother you?”

“It would bother me if I were standing next to you and they did it. They don’t know me. They don’t know who I am to you.” Although, I wasn’t sure I knew who I was to him, either. That got me wondering the answer to that question. “Let’s just watch the game and enjoy ourselves. Whatdayasay?”

“I say, you are perfect.” I wasn’t prepared for him to kiss me in public. I also wasn’t prepared for what came next.

The applause.

When we got back to watching the game, we looked up at the scoreboard and saw our faces, I immediately looked away. Great. This was now going to get out. I hated it, but my thoughts immediately went to Harrison. Until Chris grabbed my hand and kissed it. We went back to watching the game.

No surprise, the Celtics won, which meant Chris was on cloud 9. As we were leaving, I asked Chris what he now had planned for Sunday, too. He laughed and told me I’d find out on Sunday.

We got back to the limo and headed home. Once we were out of all the twists and turns of downtown and on the stop and go of the freeway, Chris pulled me onto his lap. This time, my back was to him.

“Now, where were we before that game interrupted us.”

He swiped my hair to the side before his hands pulled my knees apart. I ground my ass against him as he massaged my core. One hand came up and massaged my breast and I remembered this from that night. God, it felt like a lifetime ago. This time I was not going to scramble off his lap.

As I leaned back into him, I felt his teeth and beard as he worked the jersey to the side and off my shoulder, giving him complete access. The scraping and scratching of his teeth and beard consumed me.

He took his time with me. He was gentle and rough. He was ruthless and sweet. He was permissive and demanding. He was spoiling me for any other man. He gave me everything I wanted, and everything I didn’t know I needed. He was in charge. I was at his mercy and I loved it.

“You like it when I take control of you, don’t you Sweetness?”

“Mmmhmmm”. My brain was mush.

“Tell me.”

It took a while for my words to come back to me, and Chris’s hand and fingers and mouth didn’t help. “I like it when you’re in control of me.”

I heard chuckling and smiled. We both knew he was getting exactly what he wanted.

“You’re my good girl, aren’t you, Sweetness?” Oh god, there was that phrase again: his good girl. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of that.

“Yes.”

I don’t think I said it loud enough for him. “Say it.”

“Yes, I’m your good girl.”

He still wasn’t satisfied. “Again.”

The phone rang and Chris answered it. I waited until he hung up.

“Chris, I’m yours. I’m all yours, and I’m your good girl.”

“Very good. Just what I wanted to hear. We’re home, baby. Let’s go inside.”

I wanted to kiss him. We finally got inside and after he locked the door, I pushed him up against it.

“What are you-”

“Less talking, Chris. Less talking and more kissing. I need you to kiss me.”

That smirk told me he really liked what he heard. His hand shot out and took me by the neck. He didn’t cut off my air, rather, he used it to control me. He propelled me backwards as he removed his jacket. I felt my legs hit something and, as I was forced to sit, I realized it was the sofa.

He moved and shifted me so I was reclined, my head on the arm. He was standing over me.

“Thank you for tonight. That meant a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome, Chris. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“As much as I enjoyed it, and winning our little bet, I don’t want you spending money on me.”

“I didn’t mind, Chris.”

“I know you didn’t, Sweetness. But here’s the thing. I know what stuff like that costs. You shouldn’t spend that kind of money on me.”

“It’s not like I can’t afford it.”

“Taz, I would’ve been happy heading to a bar to watch the game. I sure didn’t need to be there for that. And it would’ve meant just as much to me. I don’t want you to think you have to impress me.”

“So, when I asked earlier if I did okay and you answered yes, what you really meant was no?”

“I just don’t want you to think you have to impress me.”

“Chris, I wasn’t trying to impress you. I was trying to show you that I was thinking about you and about things you like to do. I mean, who doesn’t like to go to a game and see it live? You’ve been doing all sorts of stuff for me, I’m not allowed to do for you?”

“What about our second date? We went to see that photographer’s gallery. You did that because he had stuff from Massachusetts, right?”

“Right.”

“That was thoughtful, you were thinking of me then, and it really showed.”

“Chris, let me ask you something. What do you think I do?”

 "It's something in marketing, I think. I think that's what Kristi said."

“Well, there’s your problem. I’m a management consultant. I consult with companies and help them through major transitions that they go through. You know, I own this house. Well, I am paying the bank for the mortgage, but it’s my house.

“Wow, Kristi sure got it wrong.”

“Yeah, she’s never understood what I do. I make a very healthy living. Sure, tonight cost more than your average date, but trust me. I can afford it.”

“So, if I’m hearing you correctly. You are an independent woman who makes a good living.”

“Yes.”

“Who is kind and sensitive and kicks her clients’ asses when she needs to.”

I giggled with the way he put that. “Yeah.”

“And whose orgasms are all mine.”

My smile got really big at that. I wasn’t expecting that from him.

“Tell me.”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

I decided to pull out the stops on this one.

“Yes, my orgasms are yours, Sir.”

That got his attention. He yanked on my feet and pulled me so I was flat on the sofa. I squeaked as he lay on top of me, lips crashing into mine. He was passionate and seductive and consuming. His hands held my head still as his tongue invaded my mouth. There was no battling for dominance. I gave myself freely to him.

We kissed, made out really, for quite a while. My absolute favorite thing was kissing. We hadn’t had enough of each other, not nearly enough, since he’d been back in town.

He tried to move, to get more comfortable and it just wasn’t working. I decided to speak up.

“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable on my bed?”

“Only if you agree: no sex tonight. Only kissing. We need our strength for tomorrow.”

“So, what are we doing tomorrow?”

“Nope, you won’t find out until we get there. The only hint: we will be doing a lot of walking. You’ll want to be comfortable. So, are you in agreement? No sex? Then we can head to bed.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Do you mean that?”

I’d never been like this with any of my former boyfriends. I don’t think any of them had ever been really strong enough for me to trust. Harrison had taken more than I had given, and the guy after him? Let me just say 'nope'. This was uncharted territory for me, but I really liked it. I nodded.

“No. You need to use your words, Sweetness.”

“Yeah, I mean it, whatever you say.”

“We won’t be testing that out tonight. How about next weekend? Are you free?”

“No, sorry, I’m not free.” I had to play with him. See how far I could push. I needed to understand our limitations.

“You have plans? What are your plans?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “I have a prior obligation.”

“What is it?”

“To spend it with my favorite guy, if he’ll have me.”

“Oh, I’ll have you, alright. Come here, you.” He helped me up off the sofa and then threw me over his shoulder.

“Just so you know, woman, I will be getting even with you tomorrow for that little stunt.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Now you’re really gonna get it. Come on, we need some sleep if we’re gonna last tomorrow.”

“Please, what are we doing ?”

“You absolutely will not find out until we get there. I guarantee you that.” He tossed me onto the bed. “Now, get ready for bed. We’re going to sleep.”

“But I thought-”

“Yeah, and then you mouthed off.”

“So, you lure me back to my bedroom with promises of kissing…”

He started laughing.

“Sweetness, you’re rewriting history. You’re the one who lured me back here. Then you made me think you had plans for next weekend, then you mouthed off. My good girl doesn’t mouth off.”

“So what if I’m not your good girl.”

I’d never seen someone go from playful to full on aroused so quickly.

“Are you telling me you’re a bad girl?” mmmmm, his voice.

Like before, I stayed quiet. I didn’t answer those kinds of questions.

“Sweetness, do you know what happens to bad girls?”

“Do I wanna find out?”

“I don’t know about ‘want to’, you  _will_  be finding out. Tomorrow.”


	16. The Happiest Place on Earth

Chris got us up the next morning so early! We were out the door by 8 a.m. so we could be to wherever we were going right when they opened. I think he was not pleased that I wasn’t jumping up and down for joy.

“Baby, if I knew where we were going, then maybe I’d be excited. But you could be taking me to Legoland for all I know.” I lowered the back to my seat and lay on my side. “Wake me when we get there, ‘kay?”

“Something wrong with Legoland?”

“It’s not Disneyland.”

“You like Disneyland?”

“Yeah.” I think my tone of voice told him something different.

“Just ‘yeah’?”

I was trying to determine how much I should let on that I loved Disneyland. He’d probably think I was a freak. Then again, I should be honest.

“See, if I tell you I like it, then I’m lying and that’s not a good thing. If I tell you I love it, that’s an understatement and again, not a good thing. But, if I tell you it’s the happiest place on earth and I want to live there and be all the characters, then you’ll think I’m nuts and wonder what you are doing with me. So, I can’t win.”

“Okay.” He sounded surprisingly fine with that.

“What, just ‘okay’?”

“Yeah, just okay. So, how often do you go?”

“Not nearly often enough. No one I know wants to go.”

“Hm.” He was surprisingly calm. I didn’t know what to make of his total non-reaction. Most people patted me on the head and backed away slowly so as not to disturb the crazy gal.

“Well, what about you? Would you be a good, um, friend and go with me? Would you do that for me?”

From my vantage point, I saw the knuckles on his right hand whiten, he was gripping the steering wheel pretty tightly. I was immediately tense.

“Is that all I am to you? A friend?” The tightness had traveled from his hands to his throat. There was a strain to his voice I hadn’t heard before. That, coupled with the blood rushing in my ears made it really hard to hear what he’d said. There was no way I was going to ask him to repeat it.

I used my hands to pull my knees into my chest, curling up in a ball on the seat while I shut my eyes. I didn’t want to make him angrier, and I didn’t want to lie, either. I wanted to call him my boyfriend, but what if he didn’t want that? Then he’d leave and I’d be devastated. But if I called him a friend and he wanted more? I’d make him angry. How am I supposed to know how to answer?

“Chris, I don’t know what you want me to call you.” I tried to speak in a normal tone of voice. I tried. I don’t think I was successful.

He reached over and put his hand on top of mine, his fingers curling under mine as he held on. The slightest touch from him always seemed to ground me and I started to breathe a bit easier.

“How about we talk about that when we get home tonight.”

“Sure, whatever you want, Chris. Wait, we’re gonna be out all day?”

“Yeah. Is that a problem?”

“No. Just gonna be a long day.” I wanted to get this conversation over and done with. I wanted it resolved.  _I wanted so much_. I wasn’t sure what to make of this. I wish I wasn’t so scared.

There were some times that I was so full of confidence, and others, like now, where I had virtually none. That was why I’d made a decision, and needed to talk to Chris. Not today, though. Tomorrow. Maybe tonight? Should it all be part of the same conversation?

“Sweet, what do you think we should do tomorrow?”

“I thought  _you_  were going to decide tomorrow. You won that last night, fair and square.”

“Yeah, I did, but I’d rather decide for us for a whole weekend, beginning to end. For next weekend.”

“For the whole weekend?”

“Can you get Friday off, too?”

“You want three days?”

He got a grin I didn’t understand. He was planning something and I was going nuts about not knowing today, and it was only for a day. Now he wanted to keep three days of my life a secret?

“Yes, I want you from Thursday night to Monday morning.”

“That’s a lot of want, Chris.” I couldn’t help but laugh a bit.

“Sweet, you have no idea.” I swear I was not prepared for that voice.

“You need to stop that.”

“What?” He sounded like he really didn’t know what I was talking about.

“Don’t you dare play innocent with me. You know what you’re doing. Cut it out. All it takes is a few words in that voice and I’m a puddle. I don’t have anything like that. I can’t affect you like that. Not fair.”

I did my best pout and stuck my tongue out at him and that got me a laugh. It was really hard to keep a straight face.

“Sweet, just do me a favor?”

“Oh god, what now?” I know I sounded like a whiny child, but I really didn’t care.

“Close your eyes?”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to see where we are, where we’re going and you’re gonna know as soon as you NO, don’t look outside, please?”

“I’d be, like, an extra bad girl if I looked out the window right now, wouldn’t I?”

“You wouldn’t! You do, and your ass is mine.”

“I thought my ass was already yours.”

“Yeah, your ass already is mine, and it will be, tonight.” There was absolutely no mistaking his meaning.

“Actually, no. It won’t. Not like that.”

“What do you mean?” That definitely surprised him.

“Chris, I just-” I couldn’t look at him anymore, so I did what I knew I could, I hid my face in my hand, the one he didn’t have. I was not ready for this conversation.

“Sweet, what’s wrong?” I knew I had to be trying his patience.

“Can this be one of those things we talk about when we get home tonight?”

“We’ve got time. We can talk now.”

“No, please. This is part of a longer conversation. It could be tonight, or even tomorrow, depending on what you have planned for us for tomorrow.”

“I have decided our plans for tomorrow. They are for us to talk about whatever you need to talk about because tonight I have other plans for you. Does that work for you?”

With the tone to his voice his plans for me were unmistakable. I really just wanted to go home right now, start in on those plans. “Yes. That works for me, thank you. One more thing?”

“Yes?”

“WHERE ARE WE GOING!”

He laughed and laughed and told me to stay down. So, I did. I didn’t want to push him too hard. Plus, who knew how he was going to react to stuff later. I closed my eyes and concentrated on his hand, the one still holding mine. It wasn’t good enough, though, so I turned my hand over and he grabbed hold even tighter. That put a smile on my face.

It was still a bit before we started to do the roundabout of a parking garage.

“Please, just keep your eyes closed, Sweetness. We’re almost there.” He pulled into a parking spot and shut off the car a few moments later. With all the quiet inside, I heard car after car pass us by. Wherever we were, so were lots of other people.

Finally,  _finally_  Chris said I could open my eyes. I did so slowly and as soon as I sat up I knew where we were. I got a lot of attention from passersby when I shrieked.

“No!” I looked at him and saw the most enormous grin on his face, even as he was pressing on his ears. Suddenly I was suspicious. “You weren’t taking me to Legoland, were you?”

He couldn’t answer he was laughing so hard. He shook his head.

“Are you telling the truth?”

He pulled out the tickets for the park. I grabbed them and saw he’d purchased them earlier in the week. He’d made these plans after last weekend.  _After Harrison_. I felt tears start to well up and I couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t understand and I did not want to explain it to him. I covered as best as I could.

“Is this another thing courtesy of Kristi?” As much as I loved him knowing things about me, I really wanted him to discover stuff on his own. It’s part of the reason why I’d stopped looking at anything about him online. I wanted him to tell me about him and to discover stuff on my own.

“No. I had no idea you love this place as much as you do.”

By the time he tilted my head and saw my shiny eyes, he couldn’t have known why I had tears. Or, if he did, he most likely assumed I was just overwhelmed. And I was, just not for the reason he thought. He gave me a gentle kiss before we headed to the park.

We’d just gotten off the tram and were approaching the ticket takers. I had to clue him in on my plan. It was the plan I had for every time I came to the Magic Kingdom.

“So, the first thing we have to do is go get me a birthday button.”

He stopped us in our tracks. “Did I miss it? Is today your birthday?”

“No. I just like having everyone say ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. Unfortunately, you’re famous, so we can’t do that to you, ‘cause you’ll be recognized at some point and then there’d be a huge thing and Captain America doesn’t really lie like that.”

“But he’d allow his girlfriend to lie?” He saw the startled look on my face.

“Sweet, what’s wrong?”

My mouth didn’t move right away. Or maybe it was that sound wasn’t making it out.

“Girlfriend?”

“Taz, of course I want you to be my girlfriend. I know you said we’d discuss it tonight, but, well,” he was so cute in how he grabbed at the back of his neck, “if it’s not something you want right now, I can live with that. For a little while, at least. But it’s what I want.”

“Why do you think it’s something I don’t want?”

“You called me your friend, and then you didn’t want to discuss it, so, I thought that maybe you didn’t want that.”

“I really wish we were at home right now.”

“Why’s that, Sweet?”

“Because I want to kiss you, among other things.”

“Mmm, my girlfriend wants to kiss me. I like the sound of that.” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed me.

“You know, that was really no fair telling me that here.” I started pouting again.

“Why?”

“’Cause of, um, reasons.”

“Reasons?” Ahhhh, I was going to get to introduce him to ‘reasons’. Oh, this was going to be fun. I whispered into his ear the ‘reasons’ why and the arm he had around my waist tightened.

“Yeah. Okay, reasons. I get it.”

“Just so you know, if I ever use the word ‘reasons’ like that again, that’s generally what I mean. I may have left some specifics out to leave it open to interpretation, though.”

“Just don’t use it too often. I don’t think I could handle it.”

We made our way inside the park and then to City Hall and I got my birthday button. It’s so much fun to have all the park people wishing you a Happy Birthday. That was where I found out that he normally went through the park with some sort of guide. it would allow us to jump lines and such. Yeah, um, no. That was not going to work for me. I asked him to try it my way, just the two of us, see if we could make it work. Disneyland isn't a place one rushes through. Not in my book. He agreed to try it.

“Okay, now that that’s done, we need to go get ears. Oh, and I need an autograph book.”

“I’m sorry, ears and a what?”

“Silly, come on.” I grabbed his hand and we made our way across the town square.

“What are we doing?”

“Duh, you have to have ears. I’m gonna get the clip in kind. They’re really cute. And I already have mine at home with my name. I also have the clip-in kind at home so, well, if I would’ve known, I would’ve brought them with. Just sayin’.”

“But if you have them at home why do-”

“Oh no, no no no, this is the law of Disneyland. You have to wear ears. And you have to have something for the autographs.”

I’m not sure if he was looking at me. If he was, it was out of the very corner of his eye. He was now getting a taste of what I was like in the park.

“Just you wait. You’ll see. Every kid here has one.” I knew he was going to end up being asked to sign autographs, too, and I’m pretty sure that he knew it as well. We both simply side-stepped that conversation. I’d let him drive that decision.

We got our ears (he ended up going for the traditional kind, and you can never go wrong with that) and my autograph book and we headed in to grab a locker. We dropped off our coats and other stuff that wasn’t needed for the majority of the day. I did get one picture of Chris in his ears before he put them away, much to my chagrin. I, naturally, wouldn’t be seen in the park without my ears. He did keep his baseball cap, trying to hide a bit. It was the reason I didn’t poke him too much about not wearing his ears. We headed out.

It was a glorious day and we had so much fun. We saw the Jedi Academy and those kids were just too cute. I could tell Chris really wanted to do it, but he was too big (a.k.a., an adult). I told him I thought it would be adorable to have Captain America go up against Darth Vader. He looked at me and smiled and laughed and I saw the 10 year old boy he was. It’s hard not to fall for someone who can show that much joy in something so simple.

When were in line for the Matterhorn, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I got started on my rant. It was the one I’d regale to anyone who happened to be with me.

“See, there’s one problem with Disneyland: they have an age limit for the Academy and for Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique which is just so wrong. Do they not know how much more money they would make? And what, I’m not good enough to be a princess?” This always got under my skin.

“Sweet, you’re  _my_  princess.” He grabbed my shoulders a little harder on the word my. He sounded so adorable that I couldn’t help but laugh and groan at that one. Also, I had to roll my eyes.

“Your cheese factor is off the scale, Cap.”

“You know you love it.” I leaned back into him as he slipped his arms around my waist, pulling me nice and close.

“Yeah, I do.”

We had a blast. We went on a ton of rides and stood in line for lots of autographs at my insistence. Because of the way we stood in line, his chest to my back and always with his arms around my waist, very few people recognized him, or, if they did, they left us alone. It was truly a magical day.

We were there through the fireworks at the end of the night. I’d never been there with a boyfriend before, watching the fireworks, and I have to say, I was surprised as to just how romantic the day was. By the time we got back to the car, I was exhausted. I was yawning and having a terrible time trying to keep my eyes open. I knew I could lean on Chris, quite literally, and he would take care of me. I fell asleep on the ride home and didn’t wake up until the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against Legoland. Taz simply thinks it's not anywhere close to being as good as Disneyland.


	17. Thank Goodness for TMZ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of domestic abuse.

Chris didn’t wake me like he normally did, with soft kisses to the back of my neck. Instead, it was the aroma of coffee and bacon that stirred me to consciousness. It took me a few minutes to open my eyes. I got up and went to the kitchen in search of Chris and his warmth, rubbing my eyes along the way, trying to wake them up. They woke right up once I got to the kitchen. I stood there for a moment, admiring him in his t-shirt and boxer-briefs.

“Mmmorning. You made coffee?” I smiled as he turned around and glanced at me, eyes roaming my body.

“My girlfriend likes coffee in the morning.” I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of hearing him call me his girlfriend. “I like to do things for her since she does so much for me.” He walked over and gave me a big hug as a Cheshire cat grin broke out on his face.

“You’re nice and warm.” I was perfectly content as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I really didn’t want to move.

“Sweetness, maybe if you were wearing clothes you wouldn’t be cold.”

“I told you before. I don’t always wear clothes at home. Besides, when I woke up and got out of bed, this was what I was wearing.”

“You’re not wearing anything.”

“And whose fault is that? Who undressed me and put me to bed last night?” I stretched up to kiss him. “Thank you for that, by the way.” His lips were warm and soft and he smelled and tasted like coffee. I started contemplating if this was a way I might be able to satisfy my morning coffee needs.

“You’re welcome.”

“I assumed the lack of clothing was a hint. Do you want me to go put clothes on?”

“You certainly don’t have to on my account. I’m happy to keep you warm.”

We stood like that for a few minutes, hugging and kissing as he ran his hand over my back. His broad palm chased away the cold. We were interrupted by a knock at my front door.

“What time is it? It is Sunday morning, right?”

“You’re not expecting anyone, are you?” I shook my head as Chris checked his watch. “It is 9:56. I’ll get the door. No need for you to get dressed.”

I made my way back to my bedroom so I wouldn’t flash whoever had wandered by, and heard Chris answer.

“Taz, this one’s for you.”

It was two police officers. When I realized that, I knew I needed to get dressed. I quickly threw some clothes on, put my hair in a pony, and came out. I handed Chris his sweatpants.

“Anastazia Forsythe?”

“Please, call me Taz. What can I do for you?”

“I’m Detective Youngman and this is Detective Brand. We want to ask you a few questions.”

“About?”

“Do you know Harrison Quill?” It was Detective Youngman who started the questioning.

“Yes. What’s this about?”

“Can you tell us where you were yesterday?”

“Um, can you please tell me what this is about?”

“Where were you yesterday?”

“Detectives? I am not going to answer questions that you have until you tell me what’s going on.”

“Maybe you’ll be more comfortable at the precinct.”

“Sure. Let me call my attorney. I’ll have her meet us there.” They sure didn’t like that.

Chris broke in.

“Taz, you need an attorney?” His voice was quiet. When I answered him, I was not. While I didn’t yell, I made sure they could hear me.

“I’m being questioned by police about something for which they won’t divulge any information. I know it’s in relation to Harrison, and we both know what an asshole he is, so who knows what’s going on. I haven’t done anything wrong, but I’m going to protect my rights. I simply want her here.” I started to direct my statement more to the detectives without addressing them directly. “I’m going to cooperate since I haven’t done anything wrong. I just want to make sure I know what my options are. They want to talk down at the station, I’m happy to do that.” I turned to the detectives. “You know, I can probably have my attorney here in about 10 minutes, maybe 15 at the outside. You could get back to your Sunday sooner. Oh, and if for some reason you have a search warrant, I’m going to want her to see it before you execute it. Please, gentlemen, understand, all I’m looking to do is protect my rights. That’s it. I want to get this cleared up as quickly as possible and get you on to the next case or next suspect in this one, if that’s what I am. Or we can go wherever you need us to go. Your choice. I just need to know where to tell her to go.” I had my phone out and was calling Kristi. She picked up on the second ring.

“Hi sweetie, how are you?”

“Not so good, Kristi. There are detectives here at my house. They’ve asked me if I know Harrison, to which I answered yes. I’ve asked what this is about, they won’t tell me, and they’re asking me where I was yesterday. I think I need you here, or at the precinct? I don’t know where.”

“I’m on my way. I’ll be there in five. Don’t say anything until I get there.”

“Well, it’s okay for me to invite them in and offer them coffee, right? It would be rude of me to drink some without offering any to them, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, that’s okay. Make sure they stay in the living room. Nothing else, though. I’ll be there soon. Bye.” I heard the engine to her car starting right as she hung up.

“Gentlemen, she’ll be here in about five minutes. Why don’t you come on in. You can wait in the living room. May I offer you some coffee? Or water? It’s no trouble. Chris made a full pot. It’s good coffee.”

Detective Brand, spoke up.

“Do you mind if I use your restroom?”

“You can stay in the living room, Detective. I am not authorizing you to go anywhere else in my house, unless you have a search warrant. I’m not allowing you to search without showing a warrant.” He knew he’d been caught. Please, as if I have never seen a police procedural.

Detective Youngman was next. “I’ll take a bottle of water, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all. Let me go get that for you. I need coffee, I just woke up.” I went into the kitchen and Chris followed me in. He gave me a big hug.

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“I’m sure it’s just Harrison making trouble. We’ll get it all squared away and we’ll be fine.”

I grabbed a clean glass from the cupboard and filled it from the refrigerator.

“You’re not going to just give him one of the bottles?”

“No. If he wants my fingerprints, he’s gotta ask for them, nicely.”

When I walked back in, my mug in one hand and his glass of water in the other, he just looked at me.

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s filtered. $20 filter for my refrigerator lasts about six months. Far less expensive than bottled water.” I smiled, but not too much. We both knew what I’d just done. He didn’t touch the water the rest of the time he was in my house.

Kristi showed up about a minute later, sooner than I’d really expected. She must have broken quite a few laws getting to my house. She introduced herself to the detectives as she settled on the sofa with Chris on the other side of me. I felt protected. Kristi started us off.

“Please, detectives, tell us what’s going on here.”

“We’re interested in Ms. Forsythe’s whereabouts between 7 and 11 p.m. last night.” It was obvious they were going to hold onto information as long as they could.

I whispered into Kristi’s ear that we were at Disneyland. She gave Chris a thumbs up, obviously approving of the choice of location for the date, and then she asked if anyone could back up our story.

“I’d want to check social media. It’s possible some of the pictures that were taken when he was signing autographs last night might be online? It’s possible. I don’t know.”

“Well, obviously something happened yesterday, but it sounds like you’re covered for the whole day, so yeah, go ahead and tell them, even though they won’t tell us what’s going on.”

She’d spoken loudly enough for them to hear, and that last little bit was directed to them. I turned to them and started.

“Chris was a real sweetheart yesterday and surprised me with a day at Disneyland.” I could tell they were not expecting that. I think they knew at that point that they were probably following the wrong path, but we still proceeded. “We got there right after the park opened, sometime between 9 and 9:30. I don’t know exactly what time it was since Chris had me close my eyes so it would be a surprise. We were there all day, until well after the fireworks, but I don’t know what time we left. It was just the two of us yesterday, but I’m sure we’re on park cameras. We bought stuff throughout the day. Well, to be technically correct, Chris was buying stuff because he wouldn’t let me pay for anything. But, there was lunch, and dinner, and some stuff at the Star Wars shop. Oh, and we bought ears, and then some sweatshirts at the end of the day when it started to get cold. Oh, and we did have all those FastPasses that we did. And then when we were waiting for fireworks, some of the kids recognized him and he was signing some autographs and there were some pictures taken, too.

“Autographs?”

Detective Brand elbowed Detective Youngman. “Um, Tom, that’s Chris Evans. He plays Captain America. Kinda, um, a well-known actor.”

I did my best to hide my smile.

“We have all the receipts and tickets and stuff. I’m kind of a stickler when it comes to my trips to Disneyland. I have several albums of memorabilia and stuff, I save everything.”

It was Kristi’s turn to break in.

“I can vouch for that. I went with her once. I vowed: never again.”

“Party pooper. Anyway, by the time we got back to the car, he was carrying me, I was so exhausted, and I have no idea what time that was. But I can’t imagine we got home before midnight.”

Chris broke in. “It was just before 1.”

“Wow, we were there all day. So, whatever’s going on with Harrison? I have nothing to do with.”

The detectives had been diligent about taking their notes. They did need to be thorough, even if they knew they were barking up the wrong tree.

“Ma’am, he said you broke into his house and took some of his things.”

I couldn’t help but bark a laugh at that one. “Well, I didn’t. I was at Disneyland. Besides, you’ve seen his place. Does it look to you like I’d want anything of his? It’s a dump.”

Detective Youngman looked me square in the eye. Obviously he was trying to figure out what I knew.

“Well, unfortunately, ma’am, we can’t tell. It burned down last night.”

It took a few moments for that to register. “Oh my god! No one was hurt, were they?” Then it dawned on me. It became obvious. “Wait, he’s saying I did it, isn’t he?” I turned to look at Chris. “I think he’s really after me.” It took a moment for that to really sink in. I turned back to the detectives, now more determined than ever. “Well, I didn’t. I wasn’t anywhere close to his place. I was what, an hour, hour and a half away?”

Chris interrupted us.

“Detectives, as Taz has been talking, I’ve been checking some stuff out online. I never thought I’d ever say this. Thank goodness for TMZ. Our date at Disneyland is already being reported. I know they’re not really considered a reliable news source, but, well, there are others that are starting to pop up.” He showed his phone to the detectives, pictures and stories coming up. He had on the same t-shirt from the day before, so it looked even more convincing. He put his hand on my knee, getting my attention. “Oh, Sweet, you need to know, they’ve got the Lakers game and some video.” It was clear to me what he meant. I put my head in my hands.

“They’ve got the kiss, don’t they?”

“Yeah. The one on the Jumbotron. Detectives, they don’t have Taz's name, but there are a few pictures of us. Take it for what it’s worth, but guys, she didn’t do this.”

I looked up and startled everyone

“Detectives? Something’s not adding up for me. Harrison is saying that I broke into his house and took something, yet his house was burned down. How would he know? How would he have known that anyone had broken in if the house was burned down? What did he say was taken?”

“He said it was a strong box with all his valuables.”

“Pffft. Valuables. I never knew him to have any valuables, or if he did have them, he gambled them away a long time ago.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, did you say Mr. Quill gambles?”

“Oh yeah. Big time.” I saw the looks on their faces. “Yeah, he neglected to tell you that little, insignificant detail, didn’t he? Not a surprise. Look, I wouldn’t put it past him for him to say I did it hoping I didn’t have a proper alibi and that Chris would end up offering him money to make it go away. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he burned his own house down for the insurance money.” That got some knowing looks from both of them.

“Couple more questions, we just want to be thorough.”

“Of course, Detective, I have nothing to hide.”

“When was the last time you saw Mr. Quill?” This time it was Detective Brand who spoke.

I stared at him. I know I gripped Chris’s hand a little harder. He squeezed back.

“You obviously already know the answer to that question. It was last Saturday.”

Detective Brand sat back in his chair, evaluating me. I didn’t waver. I didn’t say anything. I let the silence continue. I was used to using silence as a tactic at work, and it was a good thing. They were obviously waiting for me to continue. Instead, I stared. He finally got the hint that I wasn’t going to babble.

“What was he doing here?”

“He was here to intimidate and threaten me.” My forthrightness greatly surprised the detective. I think he was trying to figure out where to go with his next question. Clearly he’d thought I would try to hide what had happened.

“I need to stop this so we can have a chat.” I’m glad my attorney was there. Problem was, I didn’t want to have this conversation with my friend, one-on-one.

“Let’s just keep going for now.” I couldn’t look at Kristi.

“How did he do that, intimidate and threaten you?”

“I’m really advising against you answering.”

I addressed Kristi first, before continuing on. “I know. Well, I used to date him. An obvious mistake and error in judgment on my part.” I took a deep breath before continuing. I knew this was going to be tough. “Towards the end of our relationship, he was very much into manipulating me. I didn’t know it, but he’d run up some rather large debts with his, what are they called, bookies? He was looking for a quick and easy way to get out of debt.” I had to pause, this was so embarrassing but I knew I had to continue. I needed them to understand, though.

“This is very embarrassing for me. Chris knows about this, Kristi doesn’t. I’d really like it if we could keep this as quiet as possible. But I also understand you’re doing your job. If this were to get out, this could really hurt Chris. This was long before we met each other. I’d hate to see my error in judgment come back to bite him.”

“Sweetness, don’t worry about me. That’s what PR’s for.”

That stopped me in my tracks. I turned to that wonderful man and took my hand from his so I could touch his face. “What did I ever do to deserve you?” He smiled and kissed my palm. That simple act gave me so much strength.

“I didn’t know what he, what Harrison was going to do. I thought I was in love with him. I thought I was doing something for him.” I had to do it, I knew I had to say it, but it was so hard. I closed my eyes and bowed my head. I rocked back and forth a bit, taking a few deep breaths, feeling Chris’s hand on my back, giving me comfort. I sat up and opened my eyes. I was determined. I was still scared.

“He’d been asking me, for several months, to let him tape us. Having sex. I finally relented. That sure was a mistake. Turns out, he intended to sell it. He made copies and sold them to his friends.” I felt Kristi squeeze my hand. I knew she was there for me. “People I knew. When he came over on Saturday, he told me he would tell Chris about the tape, actually, that he would show it to him, and that I was a willing participant, that I’d agreed to it being sold and that it was my word against his. And then he threatened to show my neighbors. He told me that if I didn’t agree to do another recording, first it was with him, to which I told him no way, and then he mentioned Chris, and having it be a hidden recording from my bedroom with Chris and me, that he would tell Chris everything and basically make me out to be the bad person. I tried to get to my door, to open it and get him to leave. And that’s when he grabbed my arm and you can still see the bruises.” I raised the sleeve of the t-shirt and the bruising was still evident. I saw the detectives look at each other. “He was hurting me and wouldn’t let go, and I asked him to, over and over, and he didn’t, so I slapped him, and then he slapped me, well, backhanded me. I was able to finally wrench my arm free of him. I got to the door, opened it, Chris happened to be there and I don’t know, a minute? two minutes later he left. I don’t remember much once Chris got there. That’s the last interaction I had with him. I told Chris what had happened, and he’s stuck by my side. Now, what questions do you have for me?”

The detectives were quiet and appeared to be changing their minds about what had happened. Or, maybe, they were using another tactic on me.

“What did you do when he left?” This time it was Detective Youngman. This had obviously affected him.

“I broke down, I told Chris what was going on, what had happened, what Harrison had done. I broke down some more. I went to sleep. Sunday I woke up with a raging migraine. It took quite a while to get rid of it. Once it was gone we talked. Ended up fixing dinner. That’s when we realized he’d hit me hard enough to bruise my face.”

“He did?” Anger was apparent on Detective Brand’s face.

Chris answered this time. “Yeah. You can’t see it, but she’s still a bit sore. I noticed her touching it this morning when she got up, and she was wincing.” He turned to look at me. “You didn’t think I saw it, did you? I don’t miss anything, Sweet. Not when it comes to you.”

I was using everything in me not to break down at that.

“This wasn’t the first time, was it? Him hitting you?” How had Detective Youngman known? I couldn’t answer.

“Or threatening you.”

I closed my eyes and Chris tucked me into his side, arm protectively over my shoulder.

“Sweetness, why didn’t you tell me?”

“He wasn’t in my life anymore. Why would I think he’d do anything? But now he’s coming after me, I think he sees you as the answer to his problems, and I’m his ticket to you.” Everything started to sink in. “Kristi, I think I need to get a restraining order.”

“We shouldn’t need to do it today, should we, detectives?”

“We’re going to take our time with this, in following up with him about what’s going on with his case. We have leads to follow and your alibi to check up on. Besides, someone else may have done this, and you were simply the first person who came to mind because you were an easy target. He won’t find anything out until Tuesday or Wednesday, at the earliest.”

“We’ll do it first thing tomorrow. I’ll draw up all the paperwork, honey.”

“Thanks.”

“Detectives, if that’s all, I’m going to suggest we leave and let these two have the rest of their Sunday.”

They looked at each other and got up. We showed them out. They each gave me their business card and had some parting words of wisdom.

“Until you have him served with that restraining order, don’t let him in. If what you say is true, if he’s gambling and is in desperate need of money, and if he set this up, he’s not gonna be happy with this. Don’t open your door unless you know who it is. If he shows up and won’t leave, call me. If I can’t be here, I’ll send someone.”

“Thank you, Detective Youngman. I don’t think he’ll do that.”

“Honey, he might be getting desperate. Desperate people do things they don’t normally do. Please, just stay safe.”

We shook hands.

“That goes double for me. I don’t care who you call, you call one of us. But if it’s an emergency, call 911. I’m serious. Interrupt our lives. Interrupt our dinner, our sleep, anything. I don’t care. I know Tom doesn’t, either. Actually, give me your number. That way I know for sure it’s you calling. I’ll give it to Tom.” Detective Brand handed his phone to me and I entered my information.

“Thank you, Detective. Let me walk you both out. Sweet, I’ll be right back.” Chris walked them out to their car.

I turned to Kristi, but I couldn’t look at her.

“You must be so disappointed in me. I can’t even imagine what you think of me.” I didn’t want to cry. I wouldn’t cry.  _No fucking way would I cry_.

“I’m thinking this is all your father’s fault. I’m thinking I was a really awful friend that I didn’t notice what was happening.” I heard the tears in her voice.

“It’s not your fault. Kristi, I hid it.” I don’t know how I got those words out past the embarrassment-sized lump in my throat.

“You don’t have to hide it anymore. Chris and I will protect you. That, I promise.” We hugged for a few minutes and neither of us said anything. She finally stopped the hug and when I opened my eyes, I saw that Chris was there.

“We are going down and getting a restraining order tomorrow morning.”

“The three of us will go together.”

I couldn’t let Chris do that.

“Baby, you don’t need-”

“You can stop right there, Anastazia.

Kristi said, in a stage whisper, “I don’t think you’ll change his mind on that one.”

“I guess not. I love you, safe drive home, please.”

“I’ll give you a call later, let you know when I’m coming by tomorrow. Take care of my girl, Chris.” She gave him a hug.

“That’s my plan.” It was good to see how they were together. I realized the three of us hadn’t done anything together since Chris and I started seeing each other. I knew we needed to rectify that.

She left and we went inside. Suddenly, my house was very quiet.

I turned to Chris and put my fingers on his mouth. I knew he had tons of questions, but I wasn’t ready.

“I don’t want to cry. I know there are things we need to talk about, but I’d like just a little bit of time. Can we talk this afternoon?”

“Yep.”

He followed me into my bedroom. I crawled back into bed and Chris started to join me.

“Baby, you don’t have to do this for me.”

He got under the covers with me and pulled me into his arms, tucking me under his chin.

“I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me. Cry, don’t cry, talk, be quiet, I don’t care. I need to know you’re safe, and the only way I can know that right now is to have you in my arms. You’re not kicking me out of here.” Well, obviously he’d made that decision and wouldn’t budge.

He held me and stroked my back and my head and I felt safe and protected and cared for as the tension left and I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I researched the process of what might be needed if someone were to get a restraining order, each state in the US is different. If you or someone you know might need one, I highly encourage you to check out, online, the process that you would need to follow in that jurisdiction.


	18. Why

I woke up knowing I was incredibly spoiled by this man. Chris woke me with his gentle kisses to the back of my neck. He wasn’t able to get down between my shoulder blades, at least, not on bare skin. I’d fallen asleep with his Celtics t-shirt on.

“Chris, I don’t want you to ever wake me up a different way.”

“Never?” He sounded quite amused.

“Nope. This is the all-time best, it’s my favorite.” I stretched my head forward a little so he had better access to my neck. He pulled the elastic band out and I felt his fingers scrape against my scalp as he ran them through my hair, grabbing enough to easily push my head forward. The kisses kept coming.

“But, what if you’re naked and I want to kiss you somewhere else?” He sounded like he already had somewhere else in mind.

“Well okay, I think that’d be acceptable.”

“Is there any place that  _wouldn’t_  be acceptable to kiss you awake?”

“None that I can think of. Why, are you looking test that theory? Do you need me to go back to sleep?”

“Maybe. But first, how are you doing? Did you have a good nap?”

I rolled over so I could see his face. I needed to apologize and I’m a firm believer in looking someone in the eye when you are apologizing to them.

“Yeah, I did have a good nap.” I had to muster a bit of courage to continue. “I’m sorry.”

It took him a moment to respond to that.

“Are you sorry for having a good nap?” Ah, he didn’t understand why I was sorry.

“No, silly. Your plans, they keep getting interrupted. First, last weekend you came home early to surprise me and wound up in  _my_  mess which took up the rest of  _your_  weekend. Then Friday night, I tease you and play with you and get you all hot and bothered and I don’t exactly play nice and you’re, I don’t know, gonna teach me manners or something?” Wow, that look on his face made a blush start that I knew was going to be plastered to more than just my cheeks. “And before you can do that, I fall asleep on you last night.” That was all easy enough to say. It was this next part that was hard. The harder it was to say, the softer my voice. “And then I have to put on clothes because the police show up and our Sunday’s spoiled. And now you feel like you need to be with me tomorrow, too. I’m just, I’m sorry.”

“Sweetness, the only part of that that’s on you is the teasing and the falling asleep. And really it was just the teasing. I knew you’d fall asleep Saturday night. I knew that as soon as I decided to take you to Disneyland. None of the rest of that is your fault.” I couldn’t figure out why he was letting me off the hook so easily.

“Yes, it is. Harrison’s being a pest because of me.”

“No. You need to get this straight. He’d being a pest because of him. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Other than date him, you mean.” My forehead against his chest, I couldn’t look at Chris. I was so embarrassed. Neither of us moved or said anything for a bit, other than his hand stroking my head.

“So, Sweet, I wanna ask you a question, but I don’t want you to think that you have to say anything if you don’t want.”

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know. What is it?” I knew what was coming.  _What the hell were you thinking?_  It wasn’t anything that I hadn’t asked myself over the past 10 months.

“I want you to know, I’m not judging you. I’m only trying to understand, okay? Why did you stay with him?”

“I know, I was stupid, right?” I resisted his finger under my chin, trying not to look at him, but it was no use. He waited to speak until he’d caught my eye.

“Don’t do that. Don’t call yourself stupid.” Chris sure could be forceful when he wanted to be.

“But I was. I may as well say it out loud, say what we’re both thinking.”

“No. I don’t think you were stupid. All I’m trying to do is understand what happened.” His hand went back to soothing me, stroking my shoulder and arm, up and down.

“He wasn’t like that initially. He was actually really sweet and kind and thoughtful. I mean, there were little hints in the beginning, but I just chalked it up to him having a bad day. We all have bad days and say stuff we don’t mean, right? It was when I took him to meet my parents at Easter, we hadn't been seeing each other all that long, but he’d asked to meet them and I thought that meant something. That’s when the changes started.” I hated that visit, but I knew it contained some answers. I’d thought about it and had replayed that day in my head enough.

“Something happened while we were there, and I’m pretty sure it’s what gave him the idea, although, I think he already knew. See, I was always trying to get my dad’s approval about stuff, and I had this client at work who’d finally come around and was listening to me and using what I was giving them. It took six months and I was so proud of that. It was a huge accomplishment. I was getting praise from my boss and even the owner of the company. I told him, I told my Dad about how I was able to get them to listen to me. He told me it was a fluke. That no one would ever really listen to me. I knew he was wrong, but, well, it wasn’t really the same after that, between Harrison and me. I think he saw how my dad did it, how he undermined me, and he started. And it was really small, at first. First thing he said was about my weight.”

“What the hell could he possibly have to say about your weight?”

“Well, I know I’m not rail thin, but I don’t consider that to be healthy, at least not for me. My body can’t do that. I know I’m at a healthy weight. That’s when Harrison nicknamed me Cupcake.”

“Sweetness, you’re perfect.” He saw the look on my face. “No, I mean it. You’re stunning. And you have curves. I like a woman with curves. You have gorgeous curves. I love your curves.”

“Thank you, that’s really sweet of you. But Chris, I’m far from perfect, and you don’t have to convince me. I like my curves. He really didn’t say anything for a couple of weeks after that. He’d just look at me when I ordered dinner at a restaurant and I started changing small things in what I ordered. He saw the change I made and I guess he thought he’d try something else.”

“Sweetness, I need to make sure you hear me.” Oh goodness, he was holding onto my face, making sure I was paying attention to what he was saying. “When I say you are stunning, what I mean is every time I see you, you take my breath away. I agree with you that no one is perfect. You, Sweetness, you’re perfect  _for me_.”

He didn’t have to move far to kiss me. This wasn’t passion. This was sweet. This wasn’t lust. It was something else entirely.

But there was more, and I really needed to get it all out, what had happened. How it happened. When we stopped, I continued.

“There was one time, a couple weeks later, I was having a really bad day, I think my hormones were really causing problems, and I was still obsessing over what my Dad had said to me. I took a bit of a hit, financially, on an investment that I’d made and I was concerned what it was going to do to me, what it was going to mean in the long run. Ended up that it was temporary, it bounced back, but we didn’t know that at the time. He basically told me I had no business doing that kind of stuff, investing my own money. He told me I should leave it to people who were smarter. I was stunned. I was already down, emotionally, and I think he knew that and made the most of it. But that’s when it really started.”

“Oh, Taz. You know he’s wrong, right?” What had I done to deserve someone who was so supportive?

“I know. I know I shouldn’t have listened to him. But he took advantage of a time I was down and that’s how he really got to me. After that, it was a little more frequently, until I was pretty much questioning everything.”

“How did you get away?”

“Well, he kept pushing me for stuff,” I knew I needed to elaborate a bit more than just ‘stuff’, “sexual stuff that he wanted, asking for more and more, and it got to a point where I knew something was really wrong. I knew it in my gut. I mean, I think I knew it all along, but he got his hooks into me so quickly.”

“Baby, what happened?”

I steeled myself. I needed to say this, so Chris could understand.

“He’d get this look on his face, and then start asking me to do something that he wanted that I didn’t want to do with him, and he’d pester me. And this was always after something really mean and nasty that he’d said. And when I’d refuse, he’d end up getting angry. But I didn’t trust him.”

And now, the hard part.

“That first time he hit me?” I knew this was what was troubling to Chris, that I’d allowed this to happen. “I ran out on him. I went down to the hotel lobby and gave him time to cool off.” I huffed a laugh before continuing. “He cooled off so much that he left without me. He checked out of the hotel, and even took my stuff with him. He was punishing me and making sure that I knew he held all the cards. We were on Catalina and he took the boat back to the mainland. It took some people taking pity on me to get me home. I arranged with the hotel for me to send them the money and they’d forward it on, to reimburse them, which I did at the first chance I got. He had my stuff, my keys, my clothes, my purse and wallet, everything, even my work stuff. He made me apologize for running out on him so I could get my stuff back. The next day, he apologized. He said I’d made him angry when I ran out and that he lashed out because of that. He apologized, which was more than my Dad ever did, but he still blamed me for getting him angry.”

“The next time, he got angry so fast. I wasn’t expecting it. I was stunned, he hit me so quickly. I gave in, a little. I still didn’t want what he wanted, because I still felt unsafe. I ended up using my safeword and he still didn’t stop. He took more than what I was willing to give him. I knew I wanted out of the relationship, but I didn’t know how to get out. And he’d started calling me names.”

“The last time that he hit me, Kristi happened to text me right after and I used that as an excuse to get away. I changed the locks on my place and when he got angry, I used his own words, the names he was calling me, against him. I told him I was doing him a favor, that he didn’t want to be with a,” I couldn’t use that word, “someone like me, so I was setting him free. And I didn’t hear from him until last weekend.”

“What names did he call you?” Chris sounded upset.

“It wasn’t so much the words he used, it was his intent behind them, to shame me.”

“Can you tell me what he did? What he was trying to get you to do?”

“Chris, it wasn’t what he was doing or what he wanted me to do, it was the fact that I’d told him no. They were some things, some of which that I’d actually wanted, but it required trust and I never felt safe with him. He didn’t respect decisions that I’d made. Baby, you’re not like that. You respect my decisions. And I know I’m safe with you.”

“But I don’t want to ask you for stuff you don’t want.”

“Chris, I want you to ask me for stuff  _you_  want. If it’s something I’m not comfortable with, we’ll talk about it. Maybe it’s not something I want, maybe it’s something I need to work up to, or maybe it’s something I do want.”

“Do you know what I want right now?”

Seriously, can someone tell me why a man’s voice is so fucking sexy when he drops to the low end of his register? Fuck!

“I’m not 100% sure but your tone of voice is sure telling me something.”

“I want us to stop talking for a bit and for me to hold you. Is that okay?” He ignored my comment.

“Um, let me think about that, yeah. That’s okay, goofball.” I loved his chuckle.

He held me. That’s all he did for the next however long it was. I think he could tell when I finally relaxed.

“Sweetness, there’s something else I'd like, if that’s okay?”

“What now?” I tried to sound put out, but it wasn’t working.

“I want you wearing the exact same clothes you were wearing when you woke up this morning.” Yesssss. He knew I was most soothed and calmed by skin-on-skin contact.

“That’s something I’m  _very_  comfortable with, and something I want.”


	19. Needs

We’d been like that, Chris holding me, for a while. I could have sworn I was awake the whole time, but I was suddenly stirred to life by kisses to my shoulder. This was, indeed, an acceptable alternative to kisses on the back of my neck.

“Why do you always seem to wake before I do?” I hadn’t opened my eyes yet. I didn’t want to.

“Who says I sleep?”

“Wait a minute, you do sleep, don’t you?” I squinted one eye open.

“Yes, I do. But only if I’m tired, or if I have to build a lot of muscle. Besides, I like watching you when you sleep.” Any other person and I’d be creeped out by that statement. With Chris, my insides got mushy and squishy and flip-floppy.

“Well, I don’t normally take naps.” I felt like I had to defend myself.

“It’s okay if you do. This has been a pretty stressful week. And on top of that we were at Disneyland all day yesterday. I’d be surprised if you weren’t at least a little tired.” His kisses had started to travel back towards my neck. I delayed what I was going to say. His lips on my skin took priority. Every once in a while, a sound would escape me.

“Mmm, you like that, don’t you?”

“Mmmhmm.”

He tilted my head back and went to work on my chin. Suddenly, I had no memory of what I’d wanted to talk about. All I cared about was what was happening in my bed. I cared about his body, and my body, and how they were interacting at the moment.

“You really like that, don’t you, baby.” From mush to fire.

My mouth had gone dry, lips stuck together. I was finally able to wet them enough to respond.

“Yes.” My response barely made it out of my mouth.

“Sweetness, I love how you react to me, how responsive you are. I cannot get enough of you, of your sounds. I wonder-”

“Hmm?”

“I wonder if I kept this up, could I get you to come?”

That brought a smile to my face.

“If anyone could, you could.”

“I like this. I think it’s a good diversion.

“From what?”

“This past week, all the stress.”

“Ohhhhh, I wish you hadn’t said that.”

“What?”

“Speaking of the week, and stress, I’ve got something else on my mind. That I want to discuss."

“Okay, shoot.” He was making it so difficult on me. He hadn’t stopped kissing me.

“You are absolutely going to have to stop that.”

“Well, if you insist.”

“Only until we’re done talking. You have to start again when we’re done. I think I’m going to declare it to be part of the Laws of Sunday.”

“Laws of Sunday?”

I used an official sounding voice. “By proclamation, in this bed, I declare the Laws of Sunday to be real and in effect. There. They’re official now.”

“Okay.” He was laughing. Was he laughing at me?

“Don’t laugh. You can petition to add to the LoS.”

“I’ll put a list together.”

“You do that.” On to less fun topics. “So. Anyway. Last weekend.”

“Yeah?”

“I was really scared.”

“Of course you were. Harrison was an ass. And he was trying to hurt you.”

“No. It’s not that.” That’d be easy.

“What then?”

Could I really give my fear voice? “I was scared you were going to go away.” Surprisingly, yes, I could.

“Nope, not going anywhere.” He sure brushed that aside quickly.

“I know that now, but-” I couldn’t say it.

“But what?”

“You were good at making me feel safe and cared for,” I still couldn’t say it.

“But what, baby?”

I knew I needed to tell him, but this was so hard. “It felt like you were pulling away from me. I mean, Saturday, and Sunday, the previous week? Absolute magic. You made me feel so, well, so special. The last time you really kissed me was Monday before you went out of town. You didn’t really kiss me again until two nights ago. It was almost two weeks, and you’d been home for one of them. I thought, well, maybe that you were just being nice to me because of Harrison, biding your time before you could leave.” Wow. I actually said it. Surprise surprise.

“Oh baby. I didn’t want to crowd you. I wanted to give you space enough to deal with everything. You were in such pain, first emotional, and then physical. I didn’t want to chance adding to that. I’m not going anywhere, Sweetness. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say anything to me?” He sure sounded like he meant it.

“I was scared I was going to push you away if I said anything." I grabbed the pillow I wasn't on and held it over my face in my embarrassment. "I hate sounding so pathetic.”

Chris grabbed the pillow from me. “You are not pathetic, and you are not kicking me out of your life.”

“Well, just so you know, I didn’t need space. I needed you. I needed to know I didn’t screw everything up with you, with us.”

“Sweet, I thought I made that clear. You didn’t screw anything up.”

“Could you just hold me again, please?" Because he'd tossed the pillow out of my reach, my hands hid my face. "I sound so needy right now. I hate this.”

“Sweetness, come here.” He pulled me to his chest, lowered my hands, and kissed my forehead, not letting me go. “I like you leaning on me. You remember saying you want someone to help you shoulder your burdens? That’s what I’m doing right now.” So that’s what this felt like. Hunh.

I could easily be held like that for the rest of my life and you’d not hear a single complaint from me. Ever. To be in his warm, protective embrace, surrounded by his solid body, keeping every little potential harm away from me. I want that. Forever.

He knew. Somehow, he always knew when it was okay to talk.

“On to better topics. Did you have fun yesterday?”

“Yes I did. Yes I did. Yes I did! Thank you so much! That was the best surprise you could ever give me. I loved it!” I gave him a big smacker of a kiss on his collar bone and that got him laughing. “Oh but that reminds me.”

“About what, Sweet?”

“Sooooooo, um, yesterday, in the car, I said something and you said ‘what’ and I said let’s talk about it tomorrow…” I was rushing through this. I was so embarrassed and was hoping it would be a quick conversation.

He was trying to figure out what I was talking about.

“Sweet, I think you’re gonna need to be a bit more specific than that.”

“Well, it’s about, um” I don’t know why, but I could only whisper, “my ass.”

“Oh yeah, I recall now. I was interested in why you were saying no.” Yep, definitely curious.

“Look, it’s something I haven’t done. I’m more than a little scared.”

“You know I’d never hurt you.”

“I know. Buuuuuuut, well, how do I say this?” I’d made my decision years ago and it was the one thing I’d stuck to.

“Just say it. You know you can tell me anything.”

“It’s just, well, see, it’s just,” I hid my face in my hands, again, “that won’t happen until I’m married. Look, you know I’m not a virgin. I’ve been scared of this for a long time and I figured if I ever found a guy I wanted to get married to, that would mean I trusted him. And, if I trust him with my happiness, well, then I can trust him with that. Plus, I figured it might be nice to give, well, at least offer something, a part of me, to him that he would be the only one to ever have, since that’s the only thing I have left that’s still just mine. I rushed into sex when I was younger and, well, I don’t really need to go into that. It always scared me and I’m really afraid of pain and I haven’t had the best luck with men listening to me, well, until you. Chris, you are amazing and wonderful and thoughtful and nice and you are so sweet and so funny and, um, wow, off topic, but yeah. There it is.

“Sweetness, please look at me.”

I saw the look on his face and was all mushy again.

“Taz, you have my promise. I will never ask you for this.”

“Thank you.”

Harrison was back in my head. Telling Chris some of what I really liked about him put them in sharp contrast with each other and I withdrew a little. Chris could tell something was up.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I just, I don’t know how it is that I got it so wrong. That I even allowed myself to be with him.”

“He was damn good at making you feel wanted. Then he’d make you think there was something wrong and he’d wear you down.”

“Just like everything else, he tried to wear me down on this. He kept after me, and after me, and after me. He said we’d be married someday, so we may as well not wait.”

“You were engaged to him?”

“NO! It was the only time he’d talk about the future of us, whenever he was trying to get me to do something that I would initially say no to or that I wanted to wait. I knew something was wrong, I just, I wasn’t putting all the pieces together where he was concerned. I never really thought we’d get married. It wasn’t until after I kicked him out that I realized-” why did this have to be so hard?

“What’d you realize, baby?”

I rested my forehead against his chest again. It was a good way to stay connected to him.. “You’re gonna wonder what you’re doing with me. Better to know now, while you can still cut your losses.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I” my patheticness was about to shine so bright “I realized he’d never really said he loved me. How pathetic is that, huh? I said it to him first. And he told me he felt the same way. But he never actually used those words.”

“It’s okay, Sweet. You’re not with him now. You have a far superior boyfriend.”

That put a smile on my face.

“You ham! You’re also very right. I’m really glad I listened to my gut.”

“Wait, did I hear that right? Did you just say I was right?”

“Yeah. Mark this day down in history.”

He marked it with a kiss that stole my breath and curled my toes. It also played with my memory. I could only remember that I had one more, just one more thing to talk with Chris about. When it popped back into my head, I knew I had to stop that kiss, only temporarily, of course.

“Chris, one more thing. Promise, I have only one more thing.”

“So, I want to give whatever the topic is my full attention. But know that I’m going to be thinking about kissing you and making love to you the whole time.”

“I’ll make it as fast as I can. It’s a decision I made. I started to think about it last weekend, well, okay, I started to think about it Monday. I need to talk to someone.”

“Taz, I’m here for you. I hope you know you can talk to me.”

I hugged him so close. I really don’t think he knew just how wonderful he was.

“I know that, and I will, it’s just” I couldn’t say the words.

“Baby, what’s wrong, please, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I think I need to see a therapist.”

“Okay.” What, that was it?

Neither of us said anything for a few moments.

“Sweet, what else is going on, what has you so scared?”

“Well, that was it.”

“Are you scared about talking to someone?”

“I’m not supposed to ever talk to anyone about my problems, I’m not really supposed to have problems."

“Who told you that?”

“My dad.”

“Baby, we all have problems. I think it’s great you’re gonna go talk to someone about this.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. And I’m here, if you want to talk to me, too. I’m happy to talk to you. But, I understand if you’re not ready for that.”

“I just, I don’t want you to find out how screwed up I really am.”

“Taz, you’re not screwed up. You’ve just got some things to work out, some things to figure out some things to overcome. You are not screwed up. I think you need to unlearn what your father taught you. You are wonderful.”

He pulled me to him and we rolled over. I finally felt really safe. He settled in to the crook of my neck before he started kissing me. Finally, it felt like we were back together.

“Sweetness, I’ve been thinking…”


	20. Tell Me

“I have something I need to talk to you about.”

And here it was, the proverbial shoe being dropped I’d been waiting for.

“Okay.”

“So, with everything you just told me, how would you feel about letting me take you on a trip next weekend?” Now that was a surprise, and the good kind. I was relieved.

“You wanna take me somewhere?”

“Well, that’s normally what a trip means.” I decided to ignore that comment.

“It shouldn’t be a problem, but I still have to check on Friday. Is that why you want me to take the day? Because you want to take me somewhere?”

“Yeah, part of the reason.”

“What’s the other part?

“I want to spend three whole days with you, in a row, not just two.”

“Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna get sick of me?”

“No way. Never happen.” Chris sounded awfully confident about that.

“Where are you planning on taking me?”

“Someplace close by.” Was he not going to tell me? Again?

“Are you really going to try to keep it a secret?”

“Is that a problem?”

“Right now, I think it is, a little bit, at least. I mean, I know I can trust you, but,” I really didn’t like comparing anything about Chris to Harrison, “too many things hidden under the rug just reminds me of Harrison. Can you try this? Would you tell me something about where you’re taking me?”

“First of all, it’s not Catalina.”

“That’s good, ‘cause I sure as hell am  _never_  going back there.” Deep breath. “Maybe a little more?”

“Sure. We’ll go by car, I’ll drive, otherwise we wouldn’t make it.”

“Are you calling me a bad driver? Wait, you’ve never seen me drive.”

“You don’t know where we’re going. How would you drive us there?” I wanted to kiss that smug smile right off his face.

“Brat. Okay. Little more?”

“It’ll be a tank of gas maybe a tank and a half there and back.”

“So, not far away.”

“Nope, pretty close by.”

“Can you tell me where we’re staying? Is it a hotel, or a bed and breakfast?”

“I’ve rented a house. It’s pretty secluded so we won’t be bothered.”

“Mmm, secluded. You want to get me alone. Wait, you’ve  _already_  rented the house?”

“Yeah. Is that a problem?”

I thought about it, albeit briefly. “No. I suppose it’s not.”

“Good. I think it’s perfect. I think you’ll love it.”

“Okay, I think that’s enough information for now. I might have some more questions later. But I’ll do what I can not to freak out.”

“Yeah, I don’t want you to freak out.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean, it would be okay if when we get there you freak out ‘cause you really like the place.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

He just gave me a look. I couldn’t decipher it. I was looking forward to a day when I knew what his looks meant.

“So, did you have anything else you wanted to talk about?” I was hoping his answer would be 'no'.

“Yeah, tomorrow, I want you to pack a bag and come stay with me for the week.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like you being someplace where Harrison can easily get to you.”

I did not like where this conversation was headed. I got out from his arms and sat up.

“I can take care of myself.” I sounded like a petulant child even to my own ears.

“Sweetness, now that I’m your boyfriend, I want you to let me take care of you when I can.”

“Chris, just because you have more money than-”

“Nooo, that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then I’m confused.”

“Taz, before I got here Saturday night, Harrison wasn’t going to leave. I saw the look on his face when I walked in. He wasn’t. I shudder to think what he would’ve done to you if I hadn’t come home early to see my girl.”

“Do you really think he would’ve tried something?”

“From what you’ve said, from what you’ve described, and from what I saw, yeah, I do.”

“Oh.”

“Baby, I don’t want to scare you, but I sorta feel like I need to if you think you can go up against him anywhere outside of a courtroom.”

“But-”

“Taz, I talked to the detectives about this. I asked them what they recommended and they said it would be a good idea to get you out of this house, at least for a few days. And since I’m taking you out of town Thursday night, it’d really only be 3 days.”

“Kristi can put me up.”

“Maybe. Has he ever been over to Kristi’s?”

“Well, yeah. But Chris-”

“Taz, we’re gonna need Kristi to stay elsewhere, too, since he knows where she lives. I'd hate to think he might try to get to her through you. She can always come over to my place, if she wants.”

“She’d probably stay with Frank.”

“Who’s Frank?”

“See, even more proof you’re really not her bff. Frank’s the guy she’s been seeing.”

“Well, then she’ll stay with him. Let me prove to you that I’m a good guy, that you can count on me. That I can take care of you.”

I couldn’t say anything. He’d scared me and got me thinking.

“Sweetness, what are  _you_  trying to prove?”

He’d come up behind me, legs on either side. He put his arms around me and held me so close.

“I’m not trying to prove anything. Chris, I do trust you. I know you’re a good guy. You are a  _really_  good guy. You’ve already taken care of me. I just, I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“You are not a burden.”

“But-”

“Sweetness, you  _have_  burdens. You are not  _a_  burden. Guess what, I have burdens, too. We all do. I help you with one now, you’ll help me with one later. When we help carry whatever load the other one has, we can go much further, together.”

“You won’t drop this, will you?”

“Nope. Not gonna.”

I thought for a few moments. “Maybe I shouldn’t do the restraining order, if I’m gonna cause so much trouble.”

“Okay, first of all, you are not the one causing trouble. Harrison is. Second, I really need to understand why you don’t think you’re worth it? Why don’t you think you’re worth being safe?”

“Chris-”

“Sweetness, I can’t force you to get a restraining order against a man who has intentionally raised his hand against you, against a man who berated you, against a man who tried to pin arson on you. I can’t force you. What I can do is suggest you would be better off with him as far away from you as possible. Also, I cannot force you to come stay with me. It would give  _me_  tremendous peace of mind if you would. As much as I want to, I can’t solve this problem for you. What I can do is help keep you safe, help  _you_  solve it. Would you please let me help you?”

“I hate being dependent on someone.”

“Baby, when I gave you that care package, do you remember what I told you?”

I realized where this was going. I nodded.

“I still want that. Is it something you still want?”

“Yes. It’s just, well, everything is so one-sided. I'm doing nothing but taking from you.”

“Is that, me being there for you, helping you, protecting you, is that still something you want?”

“Yes, but-”

“No, no buts, yes or no.”

It took me a moment, but I knew my right answer. “Yes, it’s something I still want.”

“Then it’s settled. I’m going to help you, and you’re going to let me.”

We sat like that for a bit, his arms around me. I was so used to taking care of myself, being by myself. I did want to lean on him.

“Taz, you told me you wanted my help, that you wanted to be able to lean on me. Why are you resisting my offer?”

“It feels like, if I accept your help, then I’m admitting I’m not really strong, that I can’t take care of myself.”

“And see, I think it takes a really strong person to know their limits and ask for and accept help.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

I let that idea wash over me. I took a couple of deep breaths and felt some tension melt away. As I did, I relaxed into his embrace, feeling his broad shoulders and strong chest supporting me, his arms and legs ensuring I stayed right where I was.

“There’s my girl.”

“Mmmm, I like that.”

“You do?” I nodded as I exhaled. “Then come here.”  _That voice_  was back.

“There you go again.”

“What?”

“Seriously, you’re doing that on purpose.”

“Yes, I am, now get your sweet ass over here.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Now you’re doing  _that_  on purpose.”

“Turnabout’s fair play.”

“No. No it’s not.”

Chris pulled us back onto the bed. I couldn’t help but squeal as he surprised me with the movement. He settled on top of me and I was the happiest I’d been since Sunday before Thanksgiving.

“How did I get from the edge of the bed to being under you? Like, seriously, how did that happen?”

“I thought you liked being under me?” I could tell he knew my answer to that question. I couldn’t play with him, though. He’d been too wonderful to me.

“I very much like being under you.” I ran my fingertips up and down his back, his eyes lit up every time he got chills.

“What do you like about it?” Every time he spoke, half a note lower.

“I like the weight of your body on mine.”

“Why?”

“I know you’re here, with me, not going anywhere.” I hugged him to me. I had to feel as much of him as I could. The furnace of his heat, his weight, and the scruff of his beard all told me he was there and not going anywhere. It was very comforting. His curiosity got the better of him and he moved his head back so he could continue.

“What else do you like about being under me?”

“It makes it easy for us to talk, and to see the truth in what we say to each other. I like that. Truth is important to me.”

“What else?”

“It makes it very easy to see you.”

“Why do you like that?” I had to run my fingertips over his jaw, cheek, across his forehead, and down to his lips.

“I like looking at your face. It’s such a nice face.” His smile just about stopped my heart. His eyes got all crinkly and it looked like he might laugh at any second. The beauty of that smile took my breath away.

“Anything else?”

I nodded, and smiled. I liked this game. This was a game I could play, that I wanted to play.

“Tell me.” Since his smile still had me at a loss for words, I decided to show him. I stretched my neck up and gave him a kiss. It was just a light, quick kiss.

“It makes it the easiest thing in the world to kiss you.”

“You like kissing me?” I kissed him again, not as fast this time. And I had to nibble on his lip.

“It’s my favorite thing in the whole world.”

“Your favorite? Out of everything?” I kissed him again. This time it wasn’t so quick. Or so light. This time he was more than just the recipient. Now he was an eager participant.

“Yes, my favorite.” Another pass at his warm lips.

“Why?” I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to answer.

“You have so many different kisses, and you always seem to know which one I need.” This time, he kissed me. And yes, he absolutely knew what kiss I needed. It started soft and sweet, but the moment I felt his tongue slip between my lips, it changed.  _Passion._  Oh yes, I needed him. I felt how much he needed me, too. This kiss did things to me. It did things to Chris, too.

“Is there anything else you like about kissing me?” His breathing had changed. So had mine.

“How your kisses consume me.” His passion was feeding mine, and mine was feeding his. It was ratcheting up quickly, higher and higher. I knew he felt it.

“And your lips, your tongue: I love how they feel on me and in me.”

I was completely surrounded by him.

“Is there anything else you like about being under me?”

“Oh I can keep going.”

“Please do.”

“It makes it easy for you to touch my face and neck. I like your fingers and hands on my body.”

Now he was the one demonstrating on me. With just the pad of his middle finger, he traced lines and circles from my forehead to my jaw to behind my ear and then over my lips. I was having a hard time remaining motionless.

“But that’s nothing compared to your lips and tongue.”

He went straight for that spot on my neck that would take me down if I were standing. It took him stopping for me to continue.

“Another reason I like to be under you is it makes it very easy for me to do this.” I moved my hands overhead, under the pillow and I felt something. I pulled it out and found a couple of condoms. Chris took them from me and set them to the side as I put my hands back overhead. I liked the look I saw on his face.

“The thing I like most about being under you? And it’s most, but only by the width of a hair.”

“Yes?”

“It lets both of us know, that I’m yours.” I think I would have felt that groan if he’d been half-way across the room.

“Sweetness, keep your hands there.” Oh, thank god, yes, this was what I needed. He knew me so well. He rolled off of me and I silently lamented the loss of his warmth.

“Yes.”

He breathed his response into my ear. “Yes,  _what_?”

“S-Sir. Yes, Sir.”

“You remember my rule about your orgasms?” His fingertip was tracing patterns known only to him on my tummy. It tickled and I did what I could not to laugh.

“They’re yours.”

“‘They’re yours’,  _what_?” Damn! I didn’t get it right. He’d distracted me with his light touch. He bit on my earlobe and had me squirming.

“They’re yours, Sir.” He put his hand flat on my tummy and I stilled.

“And?”

“I look at you when I come, Sir.”

“That’s my good girl.”

The sounds that came out of me had him chuckling as he started teasing my neck.

“You like me calling you ‘My Good Girl’?”

“Oh yes, Sir. Very much, Sir.”

“You know I’ll only ever call you that when we’re alone, in private, right?”

“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.”

“Sweetness?”

“Yes, Sir?”

He stopped all movement. I thought I’d done something wrong. Then, when he raised up on an elbow and I was able to study his face for what was going on, I saw-

“I am so incredibly proud of you.”

“You are?”

“Yes. I don’t know if you could tell, but those detectives were following your lead this morning, not the other way around.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And just now, you discussed some very difficult things. I could tell it was hard for you, but you did it anyway. That’s one of the bravest things you can ever do.”

“It is?”

“Taz, oh my god, yes! You are incredibly brave. I just,” he paused and we gazed into each other’s eyes for quite some time. He reached up and took one of my hands, kissing my fingers before turning it over and kissing my palm. When he was done he held my hand to his cheek and I cradled his head as he closed his eyes. I didn’t know what to make of all of this. “I am so proud of you. And I am so lucky that you’ve let me into your life.”

“What on earth did I ever do to deserve you?”

“Are you kidding me? You are such a good person.”

“How could you know that?”

“I know what you did for Kristi.” She told me she’d kept my secret, had never told anyone.

“She told you?”

“Yeah, a long time ago. When you first started helping her. Long before I ever knew I’d meet you.”

“Oh.”

“‘Oh.’ Seriously! Well, we’re not talking about this. Right now, I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“You don’t?” He shook his head. “What do you want?”

He started by kissing me. It was nice that we’d just finished that conversation. He indulged me.

My fingers worked their way into his hair, so soft. I played with it as his tongue played in my mouth. My fingernails scraped over his scalp as his beard rubbed against my skin. He took one of my hands out of his hair and threaded our fingers together. We grabbed hold of each other, palm to palm, as he rested our joined hands over my head. His other hand moved to my neck. He used it to move my head, tilt it as he deepened our kiss. Since he wasn’t directly over me, I twisted my body towards his. I needed to feel him.

“Chris, I need to feel you.”

“This isn’t enough for you, Sweet?”

“No.”

“Tell me what you need, baby.”

“Sir, I need you.”

“Yes. Tell me.”

“I need you inside of me, Sir.”

“Tell me.”

“Chris, I need you to make love to me.”

“Yes.”

“Please, Sir?”

“I love it when you ask so nicely.”

He got to his knees and tore open the condom, getting ready. Now that I had space, I pulled my knees up, hoping he’d take the invitation. He did, but not quite the way I’d hoped for.

“As much as you want me in you, I have got to taste you first. Two weeks is entirely too long.”

I knew I had to keep my eyes on him, and I did my best, really I did. But when I felt his tongue begin its slow trek, my eyes rolled back as my jaw shook. I'd missed this,  _so much_. I stretched, my chin trying to reach the wall behind me. Chris didn’t stop. He had other plans.

He played with me, toyed with me. He took his sweet time, making sure to go extra slow. Exquisite torture is what it was. The way he’d use the flat of his tongue and lick a nice, wide stripe. Or when he’d use his fingers to open me up and just the tip of his tongue would touch me, tickling me, driving me crazy. Or when he’d circle my clit but not touch it. Nope, he avoided it.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t beg. Nope, not gonna beg. Not today.

This man had entirely too much patience. He showed off his patience for just how long he could play with me. For how many times he could circle my clit and not touch it. And he especially showed off how long his tongue was when he licked his way inside and how patient he was as he slowly worked his tongue out and back in, over and over. He wore me down with his gentleness. He held me down with his hands. I could only resist for so long.

“Please, Sir, please let me come!” I caved and I didn’t care. I wanted my release. I knew it would feel so good.

“Today, Sweetness, you only get to come if my cock is in you.” He chuckled at my moan. He went back to toying with me. I knew he was testing my limits. I lasted only a few minutes.

“Sir, I can’t take any more teasing.” I’d finally reached the end of my rope. “Please make love to me!”

“Are you ready?”

“Yes.” I was hasty in my incomplete response.

“Are you  _sure_  you’re ready?”

“Yes, I’m ready, Sir. Please make love to me!”

I felt him move and reach for the condom, briefly closing my eyes in relief. The weight of his body signaled that he was back on top of me. He kissed me and I tasted myself on him. I felt him at my entrance and opened my eyes as he began to sink into me. He moved his head back and his body up so he could focus on my face, my eyes, and see the pleasure I felt.

He was so slow, barely moving his hips forward, less than an inch at a time. I was impatient, I wanted him in me now! My hands moved, down his back, toward his ass, and he stilled.

“No.”

My eyes got big as he motioned his head to the top of the bed. I knew what he wanted and I did as requested: my hands returned to their former location. I knew I was in trouble.

Needless to say, I was surprised by the force of his thrust.

This time, I fought the urge to close my eyes. This time, my gaze didn’t waver from his. He saw the changes in my face as he slowly, methodically pumped his hips. He saw how much I enjoyed every time he sank all the way in. He smiled his approval as I pulled my knees up, shifting my hips under him. He bit my lip as I groaned when he hit my g-spot. He nodded and responded when I begged him-

“Harder, Sir. Oh, please harder.”

He knew how much I liked it.

He saw the look on my face as my body shifted, suddenly ready for the wave of pleasure that was about to hit.

“There you are.” He sounded so pleased, and that gave me great pleasure.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, please, right there, oh, god, please, don’t stop don’t stop.” Jaw wide, breath heaving, Chris leaned down and grabbed the back of my head and held me in place. I wouldn’t have moved, regardless, but this sent me over the edge that much faster. My guttural cry echoed in the room as he slowed, but didn’t stop. He saw and felt the strength of my orgasm as he waited for me to come down.

“Taz, I wish you could see just how beautiful you are when you come.”

Here he was, making love to me, and his  _words_  made my stomach all mushy. Who was this man?

He kissed me as his hips sped up.

“Please, Sweetness, one more time.”

“Harder, please Chris, oh god harder!” He not only gave me harder, he gave faster, too. He still held my hair tightly in his fist and when I realized that I groaned. Chris rose up, letting go of my hair so he could support himself with his hands. His pace faltered and I knew he was close. Mine hit,  _so quickly_. I was surprised.

“Oh god, again, oh fuck!” This time his hips didn’t slow as I rode out my orgasm. This time he roared seconds after I did, each of his thrusts plunging into me, connecting us completely. He collapsed and I wrapped my arms and legs around him, holding him close. Once we caught our breath, we kissed. I was pretty sure that these were my favorite kisses. At least for now.

When he got back from cleaning up in the bathroom, we snuggled. I felt I had to say something.

“Thank you, Chris. That was wonderful.” My body was still humming. I swear, if he’d touched my clit with just the slightest touch, I’d easily come again. I put one foot between his calves and an arm over his waist as I felt him kiss the top of my head.

“‘Wonderful’ doesn’t even come close. And you’re welcome, Sweetness.”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t follow your rules.” I had a hard time looking at him. I felt I’d let him down.

“Sweetness, we’ll talk later.” Such a soothing tone. He made me believe there wasn’t anything wrong.

“I’m sorry, Sir.”

“I’m not Sir, not now. I’m Chris.”

“I’m sorry, Chris.”

“Please, don’t apologize, baby. We’ll work it out. We’ll work everything out. We’ll talk. It’s all good.”

“Okay.” I know I didn’t sound convinced. I don’t think I was, yet.

I didn’t fall asleep. Instead, I reflected on the day’s conversations as Chris stroked my arm. Those reflections turned to daydreams.


	21. Served

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared for more discussion of domestic abuse.

Kristi came over, bright and early at 7 a.m., just as we’d arranged the night before. She had questions and wanted to get information. I told her about the incidents and she contacted the hotel on Catalina Island for verification. I’d saved copies of everything from that trip in case I’d needed it, in case someone contacted me to find out where their money was.

I didn’t have similar documentation about the other times, but what I did have was an excellent memory. I knew dates, approximate times, and could recall conversations almost verbatim. Kristi had found out I could do this a long time ago. We’d known each other a little over seven months. We’d had a bit of a disagreement over something and I was able to recall our conversation with almost perfect clarity. It had really freaked her out.

She had me search back through emails and other things to see if there was anything that could back my claims up as to dates of when things happened. I’d ended up calling in to work on the day after the second incident. It was the only time, all year, I’d called in sick. Kristi and Chris assumed it was due to the extreme nature of what had happened. They didn’t know how right they were. We’d hoped it would be enough, but we weren’t sure.

I headed into the bedroom to finish getting ready and when I came out, Kristi was in tears and Chris was comforting her. I wasn’t sure what I’d walked in on, so I backtracked to the kitchen. My heels must have given me away and Kristi came running in and hugged me. She wouldn’t let me go. She was scaring me.

That’s when I found out she had the recording that Harrison had of me, of us. When I inquired as to where she’d gotten a copy, I realized, from their silent exchange, Chris had given it to her.

That’s when I began to shake.

_Chris had given it to her!_

“Have you seen it?” Kristi whispered "yes" into my ear. I couldn't help it as I started to tremble. I was going to be sick. I knew what was on it since Harrison had forced me to watch it several times, always telling me it was the first of many. I could tell by the look on Chris’s face that he had, but I needed him to confirm it. “Have you seen it?” The moment I saw his almost imperceptible nod was when my stomach completely turned inside out. I rushed to the bathroom.

A few moments later, retching my guts up, I felt his strong hands on my head as he gathered my hair and held it for me. I wouldn’t recommend crying, or really, wailing and puking at the same time. It’s actually pretty painful.

Once all that was taken care of, Chris picked me up and took me to my bedroom where he sat on the bed and held me. I’m pretty sure I’d never cried that hard in my life. Not even the previous weekend. I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to look Chris in the eye again.

When I was finally done, I was completely drained, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I crawled off his lap and curled up on my bed, facing away from him.

“When did you see it?” My throat was raw and it hurt to speak, but I had to know.

I felt him get off the bed and come around to my side. As soon as I could see him, I turned over. I couldn’t look at him. What I didn’t know was his stubbornness rivaled mine. He climbed on the bed and wouldn’t let me turn as he climbed over me. He went back to holding me. His hand ran up and down my back, trying to comfort me.

“Does it really matter when?”

“I need to know.”

“I saw it last night, well, this morning, really.”

That sure got my attention.

“How did you get it? No. No no.  _Why_  did you get it?”

“Sweetness, remember how I said this wasn’t going to be an issue? It’s not an issue.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Good. I don’t want you to understand. This is no longer an issue.”

“But-”

“Sweet, stop. You cannot know the answers to the questions you have. A judge is going to ask you questions under oath and you cannot know.”

“Okay, FINE!” I covered my face with my hands. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me, I am so sorry, Chris.”

“Shhh. Shhshhhshhshhh. There is absolutely nothing to forgive.”

“Well, at least you know what you’ll be up against when that video gets leaked.”

“Sweet, that video will never be leaked.”

“Of course it will. I need to go find a rock to live under.”

“Taz, hear me. This is no longer an issue. This will never be leaked.”

“Never is a very long time.”

“You now have the only copy of that recording. You can decide whether or not to show it to the judge.”

“No, he sold copies of it. There’s more than the one.”

“Anastazia, I want you to listen to me.” He knew how much I hated my name so I know he meant business when he used it. The glare I gave him told him just how unhappy I was with his use of it. “This is the only copy. There are no other copies. They no longer exist. That is the last one.”

It took a moment for me to start to put the puzzle pieces that Chris was withholding from me together.

“But how-”

“Sweetness,  _stop_.” Although his tone was gentle, I could tell he was starting to lose his patience. I didn’t want him angry with me. “This is one of those questions you cannot know the answer to.”

I had a hard time letting it go, but obviously there was far more to it than what he was saying. I came up with some theories, and then a thought hit me.

“Why are you still here?”

“Why wouldn’t I be here?”

“You saw what we did”

“Yeah, I did. But I don’t understand why I wouldn’t be here.”

“But what I did on that-”

“No. You didn’t do anything. He did it all.”

“But-”

“Stop! Do you want me to tell you what I saw? What I saw was a beautiful, kind, caring, warm woman who was afraid, it appeared, for her life, being brutalized and raped. What I saw was a man who got immense pleasure from torturing you, and from instilling fear in you.”

“But I consented to being recorded, Chris.”

“Did you consent to what he did to you? Did you know what he was going to do?”

“Well, no.”

“Then there’s nothing else to discuss. There’s no reason for me not to be here. I am not leaving. Period. Now, have you packed?”

His change in topic was dizzying.

“Have I packed? What for? Our trip’s not until Thursday.”

“You’re staying with me this week, remember?”

“Well, about that-”

He put his fingers over my mouth.

“Please don’t fight me on this. We  _both_  know what he’s capable of, and you two were  _dating_  at the time. I can’t even imagine what he’d do to you now. No. You’re getting your restraining order, we’re serving Harrison with the papers today, you’re coming with me, and Thursday night I’m taking you away from this. It’ll be just us.”

My best friend’s voice joined in on the conversation from the doorway. “Sweetie, that sounds like a good plan. As soon as we’re done with the judge, I’m heading home to pack. I just got off the phone with Frank, I’m staying with him. And I’m changing my tactics. This recording, both of your accounts of last Saturday and then yesterday? There’s no judge who wouldn’t grant a TRO.”

“Wait, are you saying you’re gonna show the judge?” Her quick nod yes re-started my trembling. “No! Absolutely not.”

Chris held me even closer, if that was possible, and intervened.

“I know you don’t want anyone else to see it. Trust me, I don’t either. But Sweetness, this will make it so much easier. I know this is hard.”

Kristi got on the bed behind me and held me. It was a little overwhelming, but I felt so much support from the two of them that I started to think that maybe it would all work out.

The next several hours went by quickly. They were right, it took the judge no time at all to issue the order. When he was done with us, he called us into his chambers. There, he asked me if I was getting help. I let him know I was in the process of finding a therapist and that Kristi and Chris were very supportive. He asked where I was going to be staying. Chris told him I’d be staying with him and Kristi mentioned she’d be staying with her boyfriend. He advised me not to go anywhere on my own and to be very cautious for the next several weeks. He was sorry that he couldn’t schedule the hearing any sooner than the following week. He explained that holidays always caused the calendar to be busier.

Chris, having already found someone to serve Harrison, asked that it be done as quickly as possible.

You know, it's funny. Only anyone had seen me only a few hours previous, they wouldn't have recognized me. I think it had something to do with feeling like I was taking control of my life back.

We left, and Chris took me to his house. I was in no shape to go to work so I decided to take the day. I hated taking the day, but when my boss found out a bit of what was going on (no way in hell I’d tell her everything), she told me to take the week. I tried to protest, but Chris took the phone out of my hand and thanked her for her generosity.

“Chris, what am I going to do for the week?”

“I have an idea. Let me go check something out.”

I was just about done with unpacking and putting my stuff away when he found me.

“I need to take you shopping.”

“Why? What do I need?”

“We are heading up early.”

“Heading up, where, what are you talking about?”

“I called. The house is available. We are going to head up early and take the week. So, we need to get you some new clothes.”

“Chris, I have clothes.”

“Yeah, about that. While I was on the phone with the listing agent, I got a call. Harrison’s been served. And he was pissed, furious. You are not going home for any reason right now.”

“But my cats-”

“I’ll have someone look in on them for you. That’s easy enough.”

“Kristi-”

“Yep, she knows. I texted her while I was on the phone with the agent.”

“And work-”

“Yep, thought of them, too. I called and talked to your boss. She got building security and they’re aware of what’s going on.”

“What haven’t you thought of?”

“I don’t know, because I haven’t thought of it yet.”

He wrapped his arms around me and we hugged for a minute or two.

“I need to take you shopping. You’ll need at least a couple of bikinis. The house has a pool and a Jacuzzi. We both know you don’t sleep in anything, so that’s less for you to buy, but, if you happen to find something you like, feel free to surprise me. We’ll probably go out a couple of times, stay in most of the time, at least early on. I don’t want people to know where we are. I’d like us to disappear for as long as we can. If it’s a short drive for us, it’s a short drive for Harrison, too. You know what, I want to tell the detectives where we’ll be, just in case they need to get in touch. Kristi already knows.”

“Wait, Kristi knows where we’re going and I don’t?”

“I really want it to be a surprise, but if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

“It might change what I buy?”

“Let me try this. You can see the ocean from the home, but we are up high in the hills, so it will probably get cold at night. It’s a very nice little town.”

I thought about it before answering him. “Okay, that’s good enough for now.”

We got ready and headed out. I used the opportunity to pick up some decent casual clothes. Most of my stuff was either suitable for work or the gym. I had very little in-between. He was with me when I tried on bikinis and I enjoyed torturing him when I’d found several I was trying to decide among. I really only wanted to buy one. He told me I needed to get all three as, in his words, it would be ‘entirely possible that they would be torn from my body’. Needless to say, he gave me no help in deciding.

Once I had all my purchases, we headed back to his place and packed up. We were almost on our way when his doorbell rang.

We were surprised to see Detectives Youngman and Brand. They had questions for us. What were our whereabouts during the past several hours, where had we been, could anyone vouch for us. As Chris and I looked at each other, memories of just over 24 hours ago surfaced.

We had pretty solid alibis, again.

“Detectives, what has Harrison said I’ve done this time? I haven’t seen him today and the only contact I had wasn’t even my contact, it was getting the TRO served.”

“Mr. Quill is in the hospital, ma’am. He’s in surgery. They don’t know if he’ll make it.” Detective Brand didn’t sound too upset.

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“That’s what we’re trying to piece together.”

Rather than asking for my attorney to be present, because who knew how long this was going to take, I decided to answer and get this all cleared up. We’d been visible enough that, whatever had happened, it would be easy enough to see that we hadn’t had anything to do with it.

“Well, after seeing the judge and getting the TRO, we came back here to Chris’s place. I called in to the office. Today turned out to be more difficult than I realized,” Chris had come over and put his arm around me. “They gave me the week, and he’s taking me somewhere. He wants it to be a surprise so he won’t tell me where.”

I looked at Chris before I continued. “He wouldn’t let me go home to pack because Harry’d already been served and was pissed, so I had to go shopping. We got back about an hour ago, did laundry and we’ve been packing.”

“Can anyone verify your whereabouts?”

“I’ve got receipts for the stuff I bought. Call any of the stores we were in, they’ll probably remember us.” I know I was blushing at that comment. We’d had several people glancing at us as I showed Chris what I was trying on.

“So you haven’t been home or at your office since your hearing this morning?”

“No. I packed a bag before we left and we came straight here after. What happened? What can you tell us?”

“From what we gathered, after you had him served, he took his gun and headed straight for your office. Before he could get inside the building, a black SUV came barreling down the street and shots were fired. Mr. Quill was shot several times. They got him to the hospital pretty quickly and he’s in surgery. From what we’ve gathered, though, it’s not looking good.”

“When did this happen?”

“An ambulance was called to the scene at approximately 10:53.”

“I got the call that he'd been served at,” Chris checked his phone “10:35, that he’d been served at home. We were here, getting ready to head out to get her some clothes. We weren’t anywhere close to there. Baby, get the receipt for the first store, see if it has the time.”

“It was Macy’s, that’ll be in my email. Let me get my phone.” It took no time at all to find the receipt. I brought it up and handed my phone over to the detectives.

“It’s 11:10. It’s what, half an hour to my office from here?”

“45 minutes, easy.” Chris confirmed.

“There’s just no way we could’ve gotten from here to my office and back in 35 minutes”

“We’ll double-check the surveillance cameras. I’m sure everything will check out. One last question. Have you noticed anyone suspicious or anyone following you?”

That question completely stopped me in my tracks. That was something I was not expecting.

“I’m sorry. Am  _I_  being followed?” What the ever-loving-

“Yes. Anyone out of the ordinary hanging around?”

“You think I’m being followed. Is this in connection with what happened to Harrison?”

“Sweetness”

“Who would want to follow me?”

“Sweet”

“What is going on?”

“Taz”

“What have you found out? What-”

“Anastazia!”

Chris finally had to grab me and hold me to get me to stop panicking.

“Ms. Forsythe, we’re fairly sure there’s no connection back to you. We just wanted to check and see if anything out of the ordinary was going on. Harrison appeared to be involved with some rather unscrupulous people.” He stopped rather abruptly and looked over my shoulder at Chris.

“I think I’m the most unscrupulous person she’s involved with, detective.”

Leave it to Chris to get me to relax. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t still trembling, and I know he felt it.

“Gentlemen, do you have anything else? Because if not, we need to get finished packing and get on the road. I need to get her to our destination.”

"Detectives, you don't have a problem with us heading out of town, do you?"

"It should't be an issue as long as we can get ahold of you."

It's not that far, from what Chris tells me, and you have my number. Chris, would you give him yours too, please? If you need us, please, just give us a call."

“Do you mind walking us out, Mr. Evans?” Detective Brand obviously had something else he wanted to talk with Chris about. Probably wanted him to sign an autograph or something.

While he was walking them to their car, I took the opportunity to check on the laundry and began folding the remaining clothes to pack. I was in a bit of a daze, running through the past 24 hours of my life and lost track of the time. I was almost done by the time I heard Chris call out, trying to find me.

“In the bedroom, packing.”

I heard him come bounding up the stairs. He must have taken them two at a time. My back was to the door but I knew he was there. He didn’t say anything.

“What did the detectives want?”

“Hmmm? Oh, just to know our plans. Where I was taking you, in case they needed to talk to us in person again.”

“Tell me they’re not coming, too. I don’t need a chaperone with you. And they are most definitely not welcome in our bed.”

“Baby, did you just get possessive?”

“I’m sorry, Chris. It just seems like no matter what we do, it’s almost impossible for us to just get some uninterrupted time together.”

“Don’t even think about apologizing. I really liked it. You got all feisty. You are adorable, you do know that, right?”

“Thank you. Nice to know one person in my life finds me adorable.

“Trust me, there are far more of us than you know.”

“Well aren’t you being all sweet.”

“Nope. Detective Brand really likes you.”

“Oh please.”

“No, you wanna know why he wanted to talk to me?”

“Not really, but go ahead.”

“He told me that he’d had a conversation with Judge Williams. He was checking up on your case.”

“Really?”

“Yep. He knows the recording is part of the evidence. He asked me if I’d seen it. I said yes.” Chris saw me tense up. “He hasn’t seen it. He did say the judge said it was one of the worst he’s ever seen.” I closed my eyes. This was difficult to hear. Chris’s arms found me and I immediately began to relax. “He told me that if I ever hurt you that I’d have to answer to him.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I’ve been put on notice.”

It was nice to know I had someone on my side. Someone besides Chris and Kristi, that is.

“Well, I know you’re not gonna hurt me.”

“No, baby, I’d never hurt you.” He nuzzled me from behind and I was relaxed once again.

“Chris, I was going to suggest that I didn’t need to take the week now that we know exactly where Harrison is, but I think I need to get out of town, for my own sanity." I shuddered at that. "I really don’t like how that sounds.”

He thought about that for only the briefest of moments.

“I don’t think you realize it, but you haven’t really been sleeping since Harrison came back into your life.”

“How’d you know that?”

“The nights I’ve stayed over. And that first night, you were really tossing and turning. You’ve got some pretty dark circles going. You’re also quite pale.”

“Well, I’m always very pale. Some might even say pasty.”

“I’m serious. You haven’t been eating, or sleeping. I bet you’ve been getting headaches, too.”

I nodded.

“It’s all the stress. Let’s finish packing so I can take you out of here, get you somewhere you can relax, unwind. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah, it sounds like heaven.”


	22. Destination

When we were close to our destination, Chris asked me to put on a blindfold.

“Seriously? What is it with you and blindfolding me while we’re driving? Why can’t I see where we’re going?” I know my frustration was showing but I couldn’t help it.

“I want to be able to see your face when you see where we’re going, and I can’t if I’m driving.”

“Oh, okay.” I put the blindfold on. Then I asked the important question. “How long until we’re there?”

“Now you’re sounding like a child. ‘Dad, how long ‘til we get there?’” Chuckling filled the car.

“Okay, first of all, I will never,  _ever_ , call you ‘Dad’ or ‘Daddy’, so if that’s something you happen to like? Get over it.” Yeah, like that would  _ever_  fucking happen. “Second, I only want to know if I have time to take a nap.” Riding in cars made me tired, and blindfolded? Forget about it.

“So, there’ll be no sexy answer to ‘who’s your daddy?’” I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but I wasn’t having it. I was wound so tight from the past week that I was afraid I’d snap.

“No. It’ll be a very frank and honest answer of ‘he’s a manipulative S.O.B. who screwed with my life’.” Now that my eyes had been opened, by the man sitting next to me by the way, as to what my father had done to me, I couldn’t even joke. I mean, I understood that people had their kinks, but that one? For me, that would be a 'hell won't just be frozen over, but absolute zero' before I would ever partake.

“I’m sorry, Taz. I didn’t mean to make you upset. Not a problem, not something I like.” I felt him grab my hand. “Sorry, Sweetness. We’re almost there.”

“You know, it’s a good thing I don’t get motion sick.” I felt the car begin to climb a hill. Must have meant we were heading inland a bit.

I lost a sense of time once I was blindfolded. It felt like an hour before the car was turned off.

“Please stay here. Let me come around and get you.” He sounded both apprehensive and excited as he exited the car. Who knew what I was in for.

I heard the car door open and felt his hands on mine, helping me out and onto my feet.

“I’m going to kiss you first. It’s been entirely too long.” It was sweet and brief and he used the opportunity to remove the blindfold. When he stepped back and to the side, I opened my eyes and was struck by the beauty and the size of the home. I knew I couldn’t stop my look of surprise. Chris was studying me and had a huge grin on his face. We headed inside.

Spacious and airy and light, one room seamlessly blended into another, from kitchen to living to dining, it was a fantastic open floor plan. I guessed you could probably fit 500 people (no more like 100, but I exaggerate to make a point) in there.

“So, I take it you like the place?”

“ _LIKE_  it?! Are you kidding me, this is gorgeous! Wait, this place has to be costing you a fortune.”

“It’s not like I can’t afford it.”

“You seriously shouldn’t be  _oh my god_ -” I got distracted and headed outside when I saw the view. High up on the hill, no neighbors around that I could see, and an infinity pool right out the back of the house made me giddy. I turned to Chris, not able to say anything, and gave him an enormous hug. I think I had tears in my eyes, the happy kind, because this place was so beautiful, so peaceful. I realized I was already falling in love with this place.

I looked out and saw Santa Barbara down below, lights coming on as the sun went below the horizon. As I was staring, letting the feeling wash over me, a feeling of peace, Chris sidled up behind me and put his arms around my waist, chin on my shoulder.

“Think you can relax here?”

I huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, I think I can manage.”

“You stay here, I’m gonna go get our stuff. He kissed my temple and walked away. As I turned to watch him go, I realized there was more behind me. I saw a Jacuzzi outside and inside an enormous bathroom with a huge whirlpool tub and shower that had enough room for a professional basketball team to shower together. The attached bedroom had a gorgeous fireplace and it also had a spectacular view. I was in the bedroom, looking outside, when I heard the bags being dropped on the floor.

“Chris, this is absolutely, wow. Why are we here?”

I felt his warmth envelop me again, holding me in place, anchoring me to him.

“I’d wanted a place where we could be close but still get away. I wanted a place close to a fun town but out of the way. I didn’t know when I rented the place for this weekend that you’d need a place to decompress, but it turns out it’s a great place for that, don’t you think?” He sounded rather pleased with himself, and he should have been.

I turned in his arms and hugged him close. For as large as the house was, for as expansive as the views were, the seclusion of the home was its overriding feature, and it translated to the intimate moment we were sharing. It would have been the perfect moment to tell him-

“Sweetness, here’s what I’m thinking. We can have a simple dinner, I can grill something, whatever they have here, we can relax and head to bed early, and you can get some sleep. You’ve been wound pretty tight since last weekend and I’d like to see those dark circles start to go away. How does that sound?”

“There’s food here?”

“Yep, I made sure they stocked it for us. We should be good for most of the week, but we might need something later. Is that okay? A simple dinner and some sleep?”

“Perfect.”

Chris grilled some chicken, I made a salad. We chatted about things we might do that week, exploring, maybe heading down to the beach, and there were a few wineries in the area, too.

Dinner eaten, dishes washed and drying on the counter, and clothes put away, I undressed for bed and climbed in. Chris was right, I was exhausted.

“Chris, would you snuggle with me until I fall asleep? Being in your arms makes me so relaxed and comfortable.”

“Whatever you need, Sweet.”

When I next woke, I felt like I’d been drugged. It was hard to open my eyes and it was still pretty dark in the room. I didn’t feel Chris next to me so I assumed he’d waited until I fell asleep and then went back into the living room. There was a slight chill to the air when I got up so I grabbed my blanket from the bed, I was very glad I’d brought it with, and wrapped it around me. I padded out to the living room and found him in front of the fireplace, reading. He looked up when he heard my bare feet on the chilled stone floor.

“Welcome back to the land of the living, gorgeous. How’d you sleep?”

“Whatdaya mean?”

“Sweetness, it’s Tuesday night.”

“No, it’s Monday night.”

“No baby, Tuesday. You’ve been asleep all day. Come here.” I got on the sofa with him and snuggled into his arms.

“It’s Tuesday?”

“Yes. You must have really needed your sleep.”

“I guess so. I’m sorry.” I was talking through my yawns.

“Why are you sorry, baby?”

“Well, you probably felt like you had to stick around today and wait for me. You could’ve been out doing something fun.”

“I used the time to do some work I needed to get caught up on. How are you feeling? You feeling rested?”

“I’m tired.” That got a chuckle. “I know, who knew sleeping could make you so tired. But I don’t want to wake up all that much or my sleep’s gonna be way off.”

“Let’s get you some water, maybe something to eat, and get you back to bed. Bet you’ll be awake tomorrow.”

“I hope so.” I wasn’t yet ready for him to get up so I continued to snuggle. It was so warm and peaceful in his arms and I didn’t want him to go anywhere. He massaged and scratched my back while he read. I think he knew he needed to get me back to bed when I began to drift off.

When I woke early Wednesday morning, he had me wrapped in his arms. He was awake before me (I really had to figure out how he did that) but wasn’t trying to wake me. I wondered why.

“Sweetness, you awake?” It was so adorable how considerate he was being, as quiet as he was.

“Mmmhmmm. Morning, sunshine.”

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Little more human than yesterday. I’ll feel even more human after I have a shower, though. I’m sure I stink.”

“Nope, you don’t. But, a shower’s always a good thing. Care for some company?”

“Would you be a wonderful man and put some coffee on? Come join me when you’re done?”

I was greeted by the most gorgeous sight of that man’s naked butt as he headed for the kitchen. I watched him walk away with a slight grin. I turned over and lay on my back, taking up the whole bed as I stretched.

“I don’t hear any water running.” I could hear him scooping the coffee and filling the coffee maker with water.

“That’s because I’m still in bed.”

“Do you need more sleep?”

“No, no. I want to get up. I just don’t want to get out of bed. It’s so warm in here. Although-”

“Yeah?” I turned to look at him as he walked back in.

“It was much warmer and cozier when you were in here with me. Will you come back and snuggle with me? Please?”

“Whatever you want. I aim to please.”

That put the biggest smile on my face.

“I like this a lot a lot.” We snuggled into each other and a sense of peace unlike any other washed over me. “How long were you up before me, baby?”

“Probably about half an hour.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

He hesitated before answering.

“I wanted to let you sleep.” I could tell there was more. When he didn’t continue, leave it to me, I had to prod.

“Come on, there’s more to it than that, I can tell.”

“I’d rather not talk about it.” He sounded on edge. Did I mess up his plans?

“Why? Did I do something wrong?”

“Why do you always assume you’re in the wrong?”

“Because I am.”

“Well, you need to stop because you’re not.”

“So then what is it?” I was confused.

“You’re not gonna let this go, are you? Even if you know it’ll upset you?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to be upset, but at the same time, I needed to know.

“Not gonna let it go. Out with it Evans.”

“Well, I just,” he pulled me closer and tossed a leg over mine. I wasn’t going anywhere. “I guess you could say I’m a bit haunted by what I saw.”

I couldn’t help but stiffen. I knew he was talking about the recording. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.” The strain to my voice couldn’t be ignored, nor could the tears that had almost immediately started to fall, and I couldn’t help the quaver in my voice, either.

“Baby, don’t you ever apologize for that. That was not your fault. He was a fucking monster. Please don’t cry.”

I did my best, but it was hard to stop the tears. Harrison had terrified me, hurt me, deeply, and had embarrassed me as well. I just wanted to shove it all away into a dark corner and cover it over, never to be seen again. I knew I shouldn’t do that, but it’s what I wanted.

“Truth be told, I’m a little afraid that I might somehow remind you of something that he did to you.” I could hear the hurt in Chris’s voice.

“That makes no sense, Chris.”

“Something I do might make you go back to that, make you relive that experience, and I don’t want to do that to you.”

“So, that’s why you didn’t wake me? What could  _you_  do that would make me think about  _him_  instead of  _us_?”

“Waking you up, the way I do.”

“What could that possibly remind me of?”

“The belt and, and when you came to, and him, and what he was doing.”

Ah, yes, the worst part of it all. As much as I wanted to hide from him, I couldn’t. I tilted my head back and he glanced down at me. I had to make sure he knew.

“How many times have you woken me, with kisses? And haven’t I told you that’s my favorite? I know you would never do anything like that to me so there’s no problem. It’s not even close.”

“But, if you were to wake up and think I was somehow doing something like that to you or if you thought it was him, somehow, some way, even if it was the smallest reminder-”

“Please, stop. Chris, no. Is that why you won’t touch me?”

He didn’t say anything. I think I knew why.

“You’re not answering.”

“Yeah, I’m not answering.” I was right.

I extricated myself from him and went into the bathroom, hearing the soft snick when the door shut. I engaged the lock and went to the shower, turning it on so it would cover the sound of my crying. I sank to the floor of the shower and let my tears fall. I heard pounding on the door and didn’t move. I couldn’t. I couldn’t face him.

Maybe if I made myself really really small, tiny, maybe all the bad stuff would just fly right overhead, bypass me. He must have come in from the outside, because that was how Chris found me: in the corner of the shower curled in as small a ball as I could possibly be, hands and arms overhead to protect myself, rocking back and forth. I jumped as I felt his hand on my shoulder and shook as he picked me up off the tile, sitting on the ledge with me in his lap.

“Will I ever get away from Harrison? Will he ever not be part of me? Will he ever not define me?”

“Baby, no. Harrison temporarily made me question myself. I should’ve known better. He does not define you. And he never will.”

“You don’t know that. What if he has a copy of that recording somewhere?”

“No, he can’t ever hurt you. Never again.”

“Chris, I know you can take care of me, but you can’t control him.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Well then what do you mean?”

“Sweetness, I was going to tell you later, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. Baby, Harrison didn’t make it. He died yesterday.”

That stopped my tears. Now don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t happy he was dead. But it certainly solved a number of my problems.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just, well, no one deserves to die.”

“True.”

“But, well, oh god, I’m an awful person.”

“Taz, are you relieved?”

“I can’t say that, can I? Isn’t that, I don’t know, rude, inhuman? Am I a monster for thinking that?”

“If anyone has a right to be relieved, it’s you.”

“Do the police need us to come back? Give a statement or something?”

“No. They don’t need anything from us.”

“Okay, well, maybe we should get going.”

“Where?”

“Back?”

“Why?”

“Well, he’s definitely not a threat anymore, and I’m sure you wanna get home.”

“Nope. Right here is where I want to be. Besides, we’d have to turn around and come back tomorrow night. Remember, we were coming here this weekend anyway?” He held me closer. “And, you still need this week away. And I wanna be here, with you.”

“Do you have stuff planned?

“Yep.”

“What?”

“It’s a secret.”

“What is it with you and secrets?”

“You are so beautiful when your face lights up when you find out what’s going on and you’re happy about something. I want you happy all the time.”

“You know what would make me really happy right now?”

“I bet a shower and some coffee. Am I right?”

“Yeah. But you know what would make me really happy?”

“Me joining you?”

“Yeah, but more than that. Please, don’t be afraid of me, of how I might react to you touching me. Don’t assume I’ll freak out over anything. Well, other than if you did exactly what he did to me. That, I can tell you, is a big fat no.”

“I wouldn’t even consider it.”

“I know you wouldn’t. I’m not concerned about that. Chris, I just, well, I want you to touch me again.”

“Baby, you broke on Monday. Completely. I didn’t want to push. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh.”

“And, you know what? We’ve been up for only a little bit today, and trust me, I’m planning on doing a lot of touching this week. Tell you what, how about I start now?”

“Yes, please.”


	23. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very few specifics, but lots alluded to in this chapter. Discussion of rape.

After some coffee, I donned a bathing suit (the periwinkle one, pretty sure it was Chris’s favorite – I needed to get his attention somehow) and headed outside. Having been inside for several days was making me crave the sun. After a while, Chris joined and was helpful in applying sunblock on those hard-to-reach places.

“Hey Chris, whatdaya say after lunch we head out to check out some of the wineries?”

“You want to go wine tasting this afternoon?”

“Is that okay? Would you rather do something else?”

“That sounds like fun. Any place in particular?”

“No. Well, I don’t know. I could check online while we eat, come up with a list.”

“I’m sure someone has some sort of tour. Let me look into it.”

Turns out, a private tour was a better way to go. He found a company and they would provide a lunch, so we’d need to either head inside to get cleaned up to head out soon, or do it tomorrow. I suggested Thursday and it took Chris a couple of moments to agree.

“Would you rather do it today?”

“No, I think tomorrow’s better.”

“We could to it Friday.”

“No, we can’t do it Friday.” That was quick.

“Why not?”

“It’s a secret.”

Chris and his secrets. I huffed a laugh.

“Okay, fine.” I turned over and unhooked the top and undid the tie at the neck. Hey, if I was going to get sun, I didn’t want tan lines that would show when I wore that top I’d bought that Chris hadn’t yet seen. And at that moment, I realized I’d need to sunbathe topless, at least with this bikini top. I was pleased I could since we were all alone. That put a smile on my face.

“What’s that smile for, Sweetness?” My smile got even bigger, knowing he was watching me.

“It’s a secret.” I was going to spring it on him, see what it might do to him, get him to do to me. Maybe it would light a fire in him. I could only hope. “Could you let me know when it’s been an hour? Please?”

I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Been an hour.”

“Are you kidding? Already? I just-”

“Nope, you’ve had the most adorable little snore going on. I didn’t want to wake you, but you asked. You need to turn over?”

“You are so wrong. I don’t snore.” I didn’t find his chuckles cute or funny. “I’m getting in the pool for a bit first. Wanna join me?”

“No, that’s okay. I have some things I’m working on.”

“Okay.” He left before I could give him a kiss. I got up and edged my way into the pool. When I was finally in, I submerged my head. I’d gotten pretty warm in the sun and needed to cool down. I noticed Chris looking at me when I resurfaced. “Something wrong?”

He pointed to my lounge chair.

“I think you forgot something.” I knew what he meant.

“No. I didn’t.” I quickly found peace by floating on my back. I was going to give myself a few minutes in the water to cool down.

I know I’d been asleep for pretty much a day and a half, but there’s something about being outside and in the sun, whether awake or not, that restores me. It was why I could be a bum and soak in the sun’s rays. It was why I could float in the water, letting whatever movement there was take me around the pool. It was why I was going to do this for most of the afternoon, if Chris would let me.  _I hoped he didn’t let me_.

Just his name running through my head put a smile on my lips. A few more thoughts ran through my head before I opened my eyes and turned to make my way to the side to get out. I wanted to get his attention. I got out and walked back to the lounge chair, grabbing the sunblock on my way. I toweled off and started applying the crème. He’d told me Monday, when trying on the suits, that that was his job, and now he wouldn’t even look at me.

“Lunch’ll be in about an hour. That good for you?”

“Absolutely.” I forced a lighthearted tone to my voice and a smile on my face. I didn’t know what was up with Chris and I didn’t want to push it, yet.

>< 

It was several hours later, lunch consumed, and after more time in the sun, I was done with it for the day. I was alone, relaxing and reading on the sofa. Chris plopped himself down next to me and pulled my feet onto his lap.

“Sweet, I have something I want to talk to you about. Is now a good time?”

“Of course. What’s up?” I dog-eared my page and set the book down so I could give him my full attention.

“I’ve been thinking and I want to, hm, to discuss a couple of things, you know, clear some things up.”

Aaaaand any calm I’d had was now gone.

“Okay, what needs to be cleared up?” I thought I hid my nerves pretty well.

“You’ve brought a side out in me that I didn’t really know existed. It turns out it’s something I do like. But, well, there’s one part that, although it’s a little fun, I don’t want it to become a thing, our thing.”

“I’m sorry, what? I’m not following you.”

“While it gets my blood pumping, I don’t want you calling me ‘Sir’. It doesn’t feel right.”

“I’m sorry, I thought you liked that.”

“No, precious, don’t apologize. It was new and I do kinda like it, but it feels like an act. It feels like I’m putting on someone else to be with you. I don’t want that. I just wanna be me when I’m with you. I don’t want to have to become someone else with you, to enjoy what we do, to be who we are, together.”

I scooted closer so I could cuddle with him.

“Is that why you’ve been so different with me? This morning? And not touching me?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Got it, no ‘Sir’, just Chris. And be me. Don’t try to be something I’m not.”

“Sweetness, that part wasn’t for you, it was for me.”

“But it’s still a good thing to live by, right?”

“Well, true.” He paused, but I could tell there was more. “And, another thing?”

“Okay?”

“We cannot hide things from each other. I need to be able to help you out with everything. Please, don’t hide stuff, like you did with that recording, from me.”

“But I didn’t hide the recording from you. I told you as soon as I knew it could be an issue.”

“You knew he’d sold copies, though.”

“Yeah.” He really shouldn’t have gone there. “When should I have told you? On our first date? Would it have been better to tell you before I stopped talking or after you kissed me? No, wait. The perfect time would have been the following day, when my legs were wrapped around you and you were telling me you wanted me naked. No, no I’ve got it wrong. It would have been better right after we made love the first time, right? That’s when you would’ve wanted to hear that my ex had recorded us and that he did things,” I shuddered at what he’d done,” and that he fucking sold _copies_ of it to people because he needed to pay off a gambling debt. That’s when I should’ve told you about it. Right. I’ll remember that for next time I need to tell you about the most traumatic and embarrassing moment of my life!” I was pretty sure I was all sorts of shades of red, but I really didn't care. I couldn't believe he'd gone there.

“Taz, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“So then tell me. How did you mean it?”

“When you told me about it, you didn’t tell me what was on it, did you?”

I just looked at him on that one. I could not believe what he’d just said. He was two for two.

“What?”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me!” How fucking clueless!

“No, I’m not. Why?”

“Oh my god! So many reason! First, tell me if this sounds familiar. ‘You can’t know this, you’re gonna be talking to a judge, just let it go?’ Does it? Sound familiar?”

“That was protecting you.”

I couldn’t help it. I had to get up and walk away. He was calling out to me and all I could do was hold up my hand as I walked away. I had to calm down. It took more than a few minutes but I finally was calm-ish and headed back into the room. I couldn’t be near him, though. I stood next to the fireplace.

“So, you’re allowed to protect me, and I can’t protect you? That's a fucking double standard!”

“What do you mean, double standard?”

“I’m protecting you, you dork!”

“From what?”

“From me!”

“How?”

“You tell me what you were protecting me from, and I’ll tell you.”

He looked at me, not saying anything.

“Look, Chris, Harrison’s dead. As long as you didn’t kill him, and you were with me when he was shot so you couldn’t have done that, or have him killed, and you really don’t strike me as the kind of guy to take a hit out on someone, then he can’t come back on you. The restraining order is done since he’s gone. All of this goes away.”

“Fine. You wanna know what I did?”

“Yes!”

“That Saturday, that I got back from Boston, after you told me and it sunk in what he’d done, when I headed into the other room. I called someone. I’m not gonna tell you who, ‘cause that’s to protect him.”

“That’s fair.”

“I told him what you’d told me. I told him I wanted everything, to get everything back. I told him I wanted  _every_  copy and I didn’t care what the cost would be.” He got up off the sofa and came over to me, his hand cradling my face, thumb stroking my cheek. “When he got his hands on the first copy, baby you’re not gonna like this, but he saw it, he had to. He had to know what he was up against, and he knew that it would be easy to get those who bought it to give it to him. They had evidence of a crime and didn’t report it. They were complicit. Harrison didn’t sell that many copies, and he’d kept records of those he did. He probably thought he’d be able to go back to them another time if he ever had another one to sell.”

That made me sick to my stomach. When he came over, he talked about making another one with me. Who knows what he would have done to me.

“Harrison knew it was proof of rape. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what he’d done and that’s why he didn’t keep it online. My guy got all the copies, including Harrison’s, and destroyed everything but the one copy that’s now in Judge Williams’ hands.”

I was having a hard time keeping eye contact with Chris. This was all hard to hear.

“While he was doing it, finding all of them, he found out that Harrison was mixed up with some really nasty people. He wouldn’t give me the details, he said the less I knew, the better. That’s everything.”

“One question for you?”

“What?”

“Why did you have to watch it?”

“In case Harrison had a copy somewhere that he’d missed. In case he leaked it. I needed to know what would be out there.”

I burrowed into his chest and felt his arms wrap around me. I needed to process what I’d just been told. I don't know how long we stood there like that, but I finally looked up at him.

“Sweetness, let’s go sit down.” He led me to the sofa and pulled me into his lap once he was seated. He held me close and I tucked my head under his chin as I clung to him.

“Do you understand that not telling you what was on that recording was protecting you?”

“How do you figure that?”

“You’ve changed, with me, and I get why, but you have. You stopped touching me. The only time you are anywhere near me is when I’m upset. And you look at me differently. And, this is the worst, you treat me like I’ll break.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Chris, how many time did I have to ask you ‘harder’ this morning?”

“Um,” he looked away. I knew I’d hit a nerve.

“Let me answer that one. Many more than the usual once, and you still held back. Please, do me a favor and look at me.” When he was looking at me I continued. “It’s very simple, really, it is. Don’t put a belt around my neck. Don’t put your hands on my neck and squeeze hard. Don’t choke me until I pass out. As long as you don’t do any of those things, I’ll be fine.”

“I’d never do anything like that to you.”

“ _I know!_  Chris, please listen to me. _Hear me_. I know. I know you would never do anything to me without my consent. And I know that the moment that I changed my mind, if I ever did, and asked you to stop, you would, without hesitation, and you’d help me through whatever it was that made me change my mind.”

“I’m glad you know that.”

“Chris, I’m the same person. I’m the  _same_  person you let set the speed of how quickly we became intimate without pushing or prodding. I’m the  _same_  person you spent a whole day touching, and caressing, and fucking, and  _making love_. I’m the  _same_  person you have spent hours and hours kissing. I haven’t changed. You have. And it hurts. It hurts to know that something that I didn’t do, something that was done to me changed how you are with me. Actually, I don’t think I was protecting you. I mean, I was. But I think I was really protecting myself, from this, from the rejection that I knew would happen.”

I couldn’t help myself, I needed to get away from Chris. This all hurt too much. I got up off his lap and headed to the bedroom. I didn’t know what I’d do when I got there, probably start packing, but I never did get the chance to find out. Chris caught up to me in the hallway and wouldn’t let me get away from him.

“I am very glad to hear that you don’t blame yourself for what he did to you.”

“I’m really trying to know that, to believe it, but it’s hard and it’s gonna take time and it’s part of the reason I want to see a therapist.” I tried to get away and he wouldn’t let me.

“Sweetness, I need you to be patient with me. Can you do that?”

“I think I can. Just know this. This was all done long before you and I ever knew each other. It just, Chris, it hurts. It hurts that you won’t touch me.”

“I know. I’m trying.”

“What do you need? Please, tell me what I need to do.” I was willing to do virtually anything.

“I’ve got to get that image out of my head, of what he did to you. It’s what I see whenever I look at you. It looked like he-” I quickly put my hand over his mouth. I couldn’t hear that.

“I know. I thought he was going to. It freaked me out when he forced me to watch it, and I saw- that. I knew I had to get away from him. And it’s why I got away from him.”

“He forced you to watch?” His revulsion mirrored mine.

I nodded. “He laughed at my reaction.”

“It’s a good thing he isn’t around anymore. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I ever ran into him after seeing that. I would love to get that image out of my head. I’d love to get it out of yours. But how do we do that?”

“You can’t unring a bell.” That gave me an idea. “But what if we ring a different one?”

“What do you mean?

“What if-”

“What if, what?”

“Let me think about this, okay? Let me see if I can come up with a way to fix this. You, just, go off and do whatever you were doing before. Let me think about this.”

I really needed to fix this.


	24. Possession

I had everything in place. My stage was set. The outfit, perfect. While he'd been off taking care of who knows what while we'd been out shopping, I'd found this and knew it would be useful, I just hadn't known how useful. Bands of black fabric sewn closely together formed a bit of a peek-a-boo skirt that worked as the garter belt for the stockings, along with a matching bra. It all gave off a bit of a bondage vibe that was highly erotic. Paired with some black stilettos? Well, I hoped his jaw would hit the floor. Fingers crossed!

“Chris? Could you come here, please? I need some help.”

I heard him approaching.

“Sure Sweetness, whatdaya need help w-”

He didn’t walk into the bedroom. Instead, he stopped in the doorway.

“I don’t remember you buying that.” I was very happy to hear  _that voice_  again. It had been a while. Far too long, in fact.

“That’s because I made sure you weren’t around when I did. Do you like?”

He didn’t move. He didn’t say anything. Instead, he ogled. His jaw didn't actually hit the floor. I think it was more metaphorical. And I knew. I knew that no matter how long it took, we’d get back to where we’d been. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and all the confidence I’d lost over the past couple of days, and especially the past couple of hours, came back.

I walked to him, taking my time and paying close attention to where he looked. I smiled and it took time, but he finally looked at my face.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?” The throaty growl he hit me with did things to me, things I liked.  _Things I loved_.

“Do you like this, or should I get rid of it?”

“No. No no. Trust me, I like.”

“Good, ‘cause it was a bitch to get on. I mean, look at all these hooks and eyes I had to fasten.”

I pivoted and looked at him over my shoulder. Yep, his eyes were firmly glued to my ass. He lifted one hand to feel me and I quickly turned back around and swatted his hand away.

“Nope. You’re not allowed. Not until I say so.”

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said. You don’t get to touch. You haven’t earned the right.”

“What do I have to do to earn the right?”

“Be a good boy. Follow my instructions.”

As I approached him his eyes grew darker.

“I love the shoes, Sweetness.”

“Really? You love these stilettos? Why’s that?”

“Gets you up to my level. Makes it really easy to kiss you.” As he leaned towards me, I moved away. Was he testing me? My resolve?

“I told you. No touching.”

“Fuck. You’re gonna torture me, aren’t you?” He had a gleam in his eye and quirked his eyebrow at me.

“Well,” I stepped back toward him and gently rested my hand on his chest. I could feel the cadence of his heart pick up as my thumb moved in circles. “I remembered what it was like for you when I modeled the beautiful lingerie you bought for me. If I remember, you said it was ‘torturous’. I thought, maybe this time I’d model just one and then make you watch.”

His eyes had been focused on my mouth as I spoke when the words finally sunk in. “Wait, make me watch what?”

“You are just going to have to wait and see, aren’t you?”

“What are you trying to do to me?”

“I’m trying to help you.”

“With what?”

“Oh, Chris, you have no blood left in your gorgeous brain, do you?” The look of the innocent little schoolboy who’d been caught with his pants down made me laugh. “I’m trying to help you find another image to replace the horrid one you have stuck in your head.” I turned back around, looking over my shoulder once again and saw his eyes glued to me. “Do you think this might do the trick?”

“It might. It just might.”

“Baby, I came up with an idea. We both know I’ll never consent to being recorded, but maybe if I give you a little show, your own private show, maybe that would help replace the imagery in your head.”

“Private show…”

I ran my hands over my body as I turned, ever so slowly, back to face him.

“You know, you watch as I undress myself, touch and caress myself, give myself pleasure. Replace a highly negative image in your head, and mine, with one that you know you’ll like. One that you will be able to call up at any time and you know you’re the only one who will ever see it.”

“Wait, are you saying me record you?”

“God no! Phones get hacked,  _especially_  a phone like yours. No. I’m saying you watch me. You get comfortable in this chair. Let me do for you, Chris. You’ve done so much for me. Let me see if I can fix this.” I ran my hand from his shoulder down to his hand and then led him to the chair that I’d placed at the side of the bed. I knew he would have a good view of what I was going to do, and I wanted it to be easy for us to see each other.

I took a moment, trying to figure out exactly how to start. Then I realized I was missing a key piece to my wardrobe. I made my way to the closet and came back out, buttoning his white shirt I’d put on that came to my upper thighs. The band of the stockings peeked out below the hem of the shirt and I knew it was exactly the look I was going for. I had a bit of a smirk going as I made my way around and stood in front of him. The look on his face matched what I’d seen when I came out of my bathroom wearing the lingerie he’d purchased for me. My skin broke out under the intensity of his gaze. I’d placed the chair close enough to the bed so I could sit on the edge of the bed and put my foot on it. I nudged his knees apart with my fingers as I sat down and did just that.

“Please, if you would be so kind as to remove my shoes?”

“I’m not allowed to touch you.”

“The most you'll be touching are my stockings, not me.”

“What if I want you to keep your shoes on?”

“How about I do that later and for now, you take them off.”

“Then I’m going to take them off the way I want.”

Chris grinned when I shivered. I gave a nod.

“Stand up, Sweetness.” When he saw the look on my face he explained. “You trust me, right? Then stand up.”

As I stood in front of him, he sunk to his knees on the floor. He looked up at me and I got a chill. It felt like déjà vu and I didn’t understand it. He took advantage of my disoriented state. I felt his splayed fingers find their way to the top of my stocking just shy of my soft skin that I knew he loved to feel. "See, not touching you." He gently, slowly dragged his fingertips down my leg. I had to grab onto his shoulders lest I topple over. I didn't miss his smirk. His hands made their way down, down to where he lifted my foot and slid the stiletto off. He never broke eye contact. The sensation of him, of his fingers over my stocking was tremor-inducing. He was touching me, but not.

“Did you like that, Sweetness?” It was barely a shake of my head that would pass for a nod that widened his smile. “Would you like that again?” Another shake.

He repeated what he’d done only this time, he was even slower. This time, he leaned in and kissed the inside of my thigh. I don’t know what it was, but there was something so erotic about him kissing me while I was clothed.

“Is there anything else you need help with?”

I got myself back under control as quickly as I could.

“Thank you for the offer. I’ll take care of everything else. Please, make yourself comfortable.” I gestured to the chair and Chris shook his head no. “What, you don’t want to get comfortable?”

“Not on the chair. I wanna be on the bed with you.”

“But what if I need to move? I might need space. You’ll also be less likely to reach out and touch me before I’m ready for you. I think you need to be in the chair, young man.”

It took a few moments, but he finally sat.

I didn’t remove any of what I was wearing. Instead, I got on the bed, reclined and made myself comfortable. I glanced over at Chris and saw him shifting in the chair.

“This is for you, baby. All for you. Only for you.”

I closed my eyes and began by gently tracing the contours of my face and neck with my fingertips. I was imagining it was Chris, his fingers, his lips, his tongue. I took my time, went as slow as I could. I lost myself in my caresses, in the sensations I was creating. I stretched my neck, wanting to expose myself to him as much as I could. I played with the spots that I knew were my weakness and let the sounds escape me.

One hand moved lower, to the white button down shirt covering me. His shirt. I started at the bottom and unbuttoned from there. I remembered how he’d done that the first time he’d undressed me and I loved it. I hoped he remembered it and liked what I was doing. With each button undone, more skin was exposed and I explored each new reveal. I even tickled myself in the process and laughed a bit.

Once unbuttoned, I sat up and shrugged his shirt off. I opened my eyes and looked at him. It was back: the want and desire were back with no hint of any of the rubbish we’d just been talking about. I could’ve invited him onto the bed with me and all probably would have been well, but I wanted to go all the way with this. I wanted to do this for him. I wanted to push him as far as I could and make him take what he wanted. I took his shirt and tossed it to him before I resumed my exploration.

I closed my eyes as my hands worked their way from my stomach, up my ribs, and to my breasts. I massaged myself over my bra, playing with the way the narrow straps of fabric exposed me. I scraped my nails over the fabric, creating vibrations. I gave myself goose bumps and I heard Chris moan as I felt the tiny hairs on my body all stand at attention. I continued using my nails, scratching my skin. My nipples started to harden and I squeezed myself, grabbing and pulling and pinching with one hand as my other traveled down to my pussy. I could feel the heat radiating off of me and I knew I was soaked. I couldn’t help my moan.

“What are you thinking about as you touch yourself?” He had to clear his throat a few times before he could get the whole sentence out.

“You.”

“What about me?”

“You holding me, you fingers digging into my flesh, your tongue and your teeth and your lips exploring me, tasting me. Your beard scraping me, my skin.”

“Let me touch you.”

“No. You are not allowed to touch. You can only watch.”

“I wanna touch you so badly right now.”

“Good. Wanting is good. Just watch for now.”

I knew I could step up the pace a bit now that I’d heard that. I looked over and saw that he was rubbing himself through the swim trunks he still had on. I paused as I paid a bit of attention to him.

“You didn’t say I couldn’t touch myself.”

“I’m admiring what I’m seeing.”

“Let me touch you. Please?” I got a bit of a chill hearing the need in his voice.

“No.”

I matched the speed of his hand as I worked mine over the top of my garter .

“Oh fuck, I am so wet right now, Chris.”

“I wanna feel it.”

“Just watch, baby.”

I needed easy access for what I needed so I began the process of taking the bandage garter off. I got to my knees and turned so Chris would have a completely unobstructed view as I unfastened it. The bottom hook was hard to reach. I realized this wasn’t going to work the way I wanted it to. I’d bought it with the idea that it would be Chris taking it off. Time to change tactics.

“Chris, If I-”

“Whatever you need.” His voice was so close and I didn’t dare turn around. If I saw him I knew I’d give in to whatever he wanted. My resolve was waning.

“Will you be good and only touch the garter?”

“What will you do if I’m bad and touch you?”

“I’ll slow down. I’ll draw this out as long as I can stand it.”

“Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do.  _I need to touch you_.” Not quite there, almost. So close. I had to hold out.

“You are only allowed to touch my clothes, to touch the bands on my garter. If you touch my skin then I’ll make you suffer. I think you know I can, too.”

“I think I might like it if you made me suffer.”

“Good to know. But maybe another time?” I was so desperate for this to last only as long as was needed.

“Where do you want me to start?”

“How about you start with my stockings?”

“You really are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

“No, I can’t take anything else off until those are gone.” I gave him my best innocent look and his chuckles had me smiling.

“Would you please stand in front of me, gorgeous?”

I slid off the bed and came to a stop. Chris was very careful when he placed his hands on my hips and turned me. I felt his fingers on the backs of my thighs and closed my eyes. It was back, the tremors he caused with his caress over my stocking. I needed to concentrate on what he was doing to me. I hadn’t noticed, but he’d removed the suspenders before he turned me back around and removed the two in front.

“Please, on your back, middle of the bed.”

Once I was in position, Chris got onto the bed with me. He bent over and lifted a foot. He massaged it as he brought it up to his chest and kissed the instep before he rested it there. His hands held my foot to him as he regarded me.

He stroked my leg, up and down, with just his fingertips. Because he couldn’t touch my skin, because of my rule, he couldn’t roll the stocking. He inched his fingers to the band and gently tugged. His gaze was intense as he revealed my leg. When he got to the point of removing the stocking, I straightened my leg high in the air before laying the sole flat on the bed. He repeated his actions on my other leg, as did I.

He got off the bed and sat on the chair. I could hear him trying to control his breathing.

“What’s next, baby.”

I got up and stood in front of him yet again. I liked not talking. I really liked him undressing me, and I knew he did, too.

I gently guided him to sit back. I leaned over and, having moved my fingertips to his knees, parted them before I turned around and backed up. He surprised me by first unhooking my bra before painstakingly, one at a time, unhooking each clasp of the garter, working his way from the bottom to the top. With each one he unhooked, he ran his fingers up the fabric and back down. I heard his chuckle as my skin broke out in goose flesh. He waited until it went back to normal before unhooking the next one and running his finger back up, causing the same reaction. He was such a good boy, not touching anything but fabric.

The garter dropped to the floor and I removed the bra and discarded it as well.

“Please turn around.” I could feel it, feel him wanting to take control back, but he was still asking for permission. That wasn’t what I wanted. I was going to have to push him. I stepped back and hooked my thumbs into the strings on my hips.

“Taz, I wanna do that.”

“You’d be touching me, and we know you aren’t allowed to touch me yet.” I slowly removed and stepped out of them. I handed them to Chris.

“You tease, these’re soaked!”

“I know." I got back on the bed. "Stay in the chair. Just watch.”

He could’ve reached out to touch me, but he didn’t. I turned my head so I could face him as I reached between my legs, arching my back. I gently teased myself. I made sure to open my eyes when I could. That’s when I saw he’d pulled his trunks down and had his cock out. He was stroking it gently. I wanted my mouth on him. I wanted my hands on him. I wanted his hands and mouth on me.

I turned my body toward him, one leg dangling off the bed as the heel of my other foot came up to my ass. I started playing with my clit, teasing it, feeling it engorge. I used the pad of my finger and my nail to bring her out to play. My eyes rolled back in my head as I moaned. I loved teasing myself. So did Chris, given his state.

“Chris, grab a condom.”

“Are you saying you’re ready for me?” He grabbed a condom and tore the wrapper open but didn’t put it on.

“Not yet. Give me your hand.”

I put his fingers in my mouth and got them nice and wet. I loved hearing his moans as I tongued and sucked on his fingers. I guided his fingers to my core and had his index finger circling my clit when he leaned over me.

“No more games, Sweetness, you’re mine.” He made the hair on the back of my neck stand upright. He was back. He was taking what he wanted. I got him back.

His hand not busy playing with my pussy delved into my hair, holding me still as he bit my lip. His teeth scraped over it as he tugged on it, pulling away from me.

“Oh baby, I love it when you get possessive.”

“This is was what you’ve wanted from me, isn’t it? This is what you’ve been missing.”

“Yes.”

“You want me to fuck you hard, don’t you?”

“Yes, oh fuck yes. Put that condom on and fuck me. Every time I sit or move I want to be reminded of your cock in my cunt.”

“Look at me. Sweetness, your eyes on me.” I looked up at him and that’s when he picked me up by my ankles and pulled me the last little bit to the edge of the bed. “What do you want, baby?”

“I want you insiiiiiiiiiiide! Oh god, yes!” He’d buried himself in one thrust. He still had me by my ankles and I couldn’t move on my own. I was completely at his mercy, just the way we both liked it.

“You like when I’m buried deep inside you like this, don’t you?” He hadn’t really moved all that much. The burn from him slamming inside was giving way to the most exquisite fullness.

“Yes, yes I do. All the way in. Every possible inch of you inside me.”

Chris started to thrust his hips, out and in and out again. Every time in it was to the hilt. Every time out he was agonizingly slow. Every time in it was brutal. Every time in he hit my g-spot. My sounds were constant I couldn’t move all that much. I tried getting some leverage, but it wasn’t much, just my hands grasping at the duvet. He was in complete control. I was in heaven.

“You like me being in control of you, don’t you?”

“I love you being in control of me. Take control. Take complete control.”

He moved my legs against him, putting his arms around my thighs and holding me tightly to him as his hips kept up the brutal assault on me.

“Do you know how good you feel inside me right now, Chris?”

“Not half as good as it feels to be inside you. But I need for us to move back.”

“Why? It feels so good right here.”

“Sweetness, I’m not stopping anytime soon.” I knew what that meant, and I was all for it.

And he didn’t stop anytime soon, or at least, that’s what it felt like. Once we reoriented ourselves, he made good on his word. And I got what I wanted. Ecstasy and connection and touch and release.

And release.

And release.

I didn’t have anything left in me for my last orgasm as my whole body jerked and spasmed. He held me as close as he could, not letting me move, as wave after wave of pleasure hit me. I felt his stutter and knew he was close.

My throat, raw from all the begging and pleading and screaming and grunting (okay okay, I grunt) and groaning, caused my voice to be raspy. “Come for me baby, please, Chris.”

He held on for as long as he could before I felt him, before he gripped me so hard, before he kissed me so fiercely, before he stuttered and thrusted into me with such strength he took my breath away.

We held each other and caressed and kissed. This was what I had needed so desperately. It was a few minutes before Chris got up and cleaned up. When he came back into the room, he crawled back on the bed and pulled me onto him.

“You like me being in control of you, don’t you?”

“Yes”

“Why?”

“I know I’m safe with you and you always know what I need.”

“Sweetness, I think you just proved that’s not the case. You just proved you know what I need.”

“No, I proved it. You know what I need.”

“How’s that?”

“You knew what I needed. You gave it to me. You were just afraid you’d hurt me and you didn’t want to do that. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. I know you never would hurt me. You haven't yet, so why would you now? You show me things about myself I wouldn’t know otherwise. You give me courage and confidence. You make me a better person.”

We both pondered that for a moment.

“So, Chris, what about you?”

“What about me what?”

“How’s the image problem?”

“Problem obliterated.”

I was so pleased my plan had worked. Now, to see if it held…


	25. Heart

When I woke Friday morning, it was again to kisses on the back of my neck. I was so happy that he’d taken me at my word and tried it yesterday morning. I’d been so incredibly pleased to have my boyfriend back that I rewarded him, handsomely, and again in the back of the car, and when we got back from the wineries. I was indeed glad he did it again.

“Chris?”

“Mmmm?”

“You looking for a repeat of yesterday?” That got me a chuckle. It also got the kisses to move to my shoulder.

“’Cause, you know, I just might be able to be persuaded to do that again.”

“Really.”

“Maybe. But only if you’re a good boy.”

“But what if I’m a bad boy.” He tried to sound mischievous. It wasn’t working but I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

“Depends on how bad.”

“Really, really bad. The worst.”

I hated to, but I had to break it to him. “Chris, you couldn’t be bad if you tried.”

“Oh, I can be bad.” As if his claiming he could be bad would do anything for his case.

“Baby, please, don’t be ridiculous. You are the furthest thing from bad.” I looked back over my shoulder and saw the most adorable pout. I turned in his arms. I wanted to face him for what I wanted to say. “Why do you think I-”

Damn, but Chris was fast. I found myself on my back and his lips were on mine. He hadn’t ever been quite this frisky first thing in the morning. Maybe he’d been holding back? I decided to let him know just how much I liked it, tossing one leg over his hip and grinding up into him, letting him feel what he was doing to me. I wanted to feel what I was doing to him, too.

“I was hoping you’d think that was at least a bit bad.” He’d started to kiss my jaw and neck, going after those places that made me shiver.

“Chris, you should know by now that your kisses are only good. Why do you want me to think you’re bad?”

“So I could convince you I’m not. I have something I think you’ll really like, something that will convince you that I’m a good guy.”

“I know you’re a good guy, and we both know I like that.”

“No, I’m not talking about that.” His laughter was contagious.

“What are you talking about, then?”

“I have a surprise for you.”

“Is this my surprise? Have we finally gotten to the surprise you keep referring to?” I was suddenly very awake and giddy.

“Part of it. You ready?”

“I should go get dressed.”

“No, actually, you need to stay naked for this.”

“Chris, please don’t tell me my surprise is sex. That’s not much of a surprise. No, wait, that’s not what I mean. It is  _very_   _much_ , it’s just not a surprise.”

“It’s not that.” Given just how much Chris was laughing, I had a feeling that we’d be having a fabulous time today.

“Then what-”

“You trust me, don’t you?”

“That’s a silly question. You know I do.”

“Good. Then stand up and close your eyes.”

“Baby, no, I’m gonna be cold. Please? I wanna stay right here next to my own personal heater.” I tried to snuggle into him but he kept moving away.

“Not for long, I promise. Eyes on me when you get up, until you have your eyes closed.”

I glared at him before I reluctantly followed his instructions. After my eyes were closed, he wrapped my blanket around us and led me outside and around the pool where I found myself face down on a table, a massage table. The table itself was heated and there was a portable heater to keep me warm. Chris knew me so well. I hadn’t had a massage in forever. This was a great surprise, a  _fantastic_  surprise. A massage, outdoors where it was so peaceful.  _Heaven_.

I felt myself relax with each passing moment as expert hands worked my muscles. I’m going to blame it on the fact that I just woke up, or maybe it was that my masseur was phenomenal, but I fell asleep while getting this glorious massage. I prefer to remain awake during them since they feel so good, but I guess this was a good sign.

When he woke me and asked me to turn over, he asked me how I was doing.

“Well, the fact that I can’t turn over probably is a good thing, right?”

“That is definitely a good thing. We’re not in any rush, take your time.”

“No, seriously, I can’t move, Ryan. I think you have magic hands and have put me under a spell.” I heard chuckling from over my left shoulder.

“What are you laughing at, dorkball of sunshine?”

“I’m sorry, what did you just call me?” I heard two distinct laughs and knew Ryan was enjoying my sass as well.

“Dorkball of sunshine. You’re just so happy and you are a complete dork and you have the most gorgeous smile that lights up everything and everyone around you. Ergo, dorkball of sunshine.”

I was finally able to turn over and Ryan continued. I fell asleep again.

I woke to Chris’s hand stroking my shoulder.

“Sweetness, how are you feeling now?”

“My name’s not Sweetness.”

“It’s not?” Concern laced the edges of his voice.

“No, it’s Jell-O. I have no bones or muscle mass left. I cannot move. I think I might actually be attached to the table.”

While I was serious, my real aim was to get Chris to laugh. It worked.

“Well, I’m going to have to be really careful with you for the next thing we’re gonna go do. Say goodbye to Ryan.”

“Ryan, two things. First, please don’t take it as anything but a compliment that I fell asleep on you.”

“That, ma’am, is one of the highest compliments I can receive.”

“Good. Second, if I didn’t have the most wonderful man by my side who’d arranged this for me as well as whatever else he has planned, and if I weren’t Jell-O right now, I’d jump you.”

“Sweetness, did you actually just say you’d jump him?”

“It’s entirely possible, although I think I’m going to deny it, or say it was massage induced. I’d have to think about it, but yeah, I’d probably jump him.”

“Come on, let’s get you inside. Say goodbye to Ryan.”

“Goodbye, Ryan my love!”

“Oh, so it’s like that. I’m being ditched for the first man who makes you feel good.”

“Baby, his way is much gentler than yours. Trust me, though. I very much prefer your hands and what they do to me.”

Ryan’s knowing chuckles faded into the background as Chris carried me into the bathroom. He had me sit on the side of the whirlpool tub.

“Can you stay here and not fall into the tub, Jello-O?” Now it was my turn to laugh.

“Pretty sure I can.”

“I’m gonna go grab some towels and other essentials and I have to take care of a few things. I’ll be right back. Stay here. Please do not leave this room. I don’t want you to spoil anything.”

“What would I spoil?”

“There’s more to come. I’ll be right back.” I immediately began contemplating exploring what was going on, until he fisted my hair, tilted my head back, and kissed me. I felt that one all the way down to my toes.

“If I promise not to fall asleep, can I get into the tub?”

“Of course. I’ll only be a bit.” He left the room and I decided, very quickly, that it would be just awful of me to ruin whatever he’d cooked up. I disrobed (or is it disblanketed?) and got in. I think he was trying to get me to fall asleep with as hot as the water was. It worked. Next thing I knew, I felt him getting in behind me.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t fall asleep.”

“This is all your fault.”

“How do you figure that?”

“You woke me up early.”

“But we went to bed early.”

“Baby, yes, we did get to bed early last night. But we didn’t get to sleep until this morning. And you wore me out last night.”

“If I remember correctly, you begged me to.”

“Yeah, I did. You knew exactly what I needed.” I brought his hand up to my face and kissed his palm. “I feel pretty crappy right now, Chris?”

“What, you feeling sick?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Then what?”

“I haven’t yet thanked you for this week. Or for being you.”

“You feel the need to thank me for being me? I don’t get it.”

“I can’t imagine anyone else being as understanding as you’ve been.”

“Sweet, please. I want us to put all that behind us. If we can get away with never saying his name again, or talking about that, unless it’s something you need, that’s what I’d really prefer. Okay?”

“Anything you want, baby.” I got the soap and started to wash.

“No, let me do that.”

I almost protested, but then I thought:  _why_? This man clearly has stuff planned for the day. Maybe this was part of it? I handed over the soap and the washcloth.

He had me hug my knees and started with my back. From my hairline all the way down to my butt. Gentle and thorough, he almost put me to sleep.

“That feels so good.” He continued for a while. I knew I was already clean. Now he was just making me feel good. I shifted to give him better access to the hip he was working on when some soreness hit.

“You okay?”

“Mmmhmmm. Just a little sore.

“What, from the massage?”

“No, dork, last night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare apologize. It’s what I wanted. Don’t you remember? I wanted to be reminded of you being inside of me every time I moved. Well, it’s what’s happening.”

I turned. It was a bit difficult to do in the tub, but I had to see him. I also needed other parts washed. I held out my arm.

“What’s this for?”

“Well if you’re not going to, I will.” I turned my hand over. “Washcloth, please.”

He got the hint and continued with the gentle but thorough strokes on my arms and legs.

“Please do me a favor and tilt you head back. That’s good.”

He was being methodical as he got my neck, working from my chin down to my waist, washing and rinsing along the way. I’m pretty sure I was purring when I felt his lips on my skin.

I scooched up, wrapping my legs around his waist. I needed to kiss him. I needed to feel him.

“Taz, do you know how we got here?”

“Well, you carried me in from outside.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“By car? You drove us, right?”

“Kristi.”

“Kristi didn’t drive us.”

“Would you stop. Have you been drinking?”

“When would I have had a drink? I woke up to you kissing me and I melted and then you had the most perfect man rub my body and put me to sleep and make me feel all warm and squishy.”

“The most perfect man?”

“Present company excluded, of course.”

“He better not be your perfect man.”

“Well, you know, we are engaged. We’re getting married tomorrow. We’re gonna have like 30 kids, I’m moving up here. What, we didn’t tell you?”

He did not appear to be amused. I stopped toying with him and gently stroked his jaw and scratched at his beard.

“Chris, you will always be my most perfect man.”

“Thanks, Sweetness.”

“Okay, now, back to your story.”

“Yes. Kristi. When she told me what you did for her.” He was trying to get at something, but my brain was so squishy I couldn’t deal with hints.

“What did I do for her?”

“When you gave her your bone marrow?”

“Oh, that. But Chris, anyone would have done that.”

“No, baby, no. They wouldn’t. You didn’t really know her and you saved her life.

“Well-

“And then she told me stories about the two of you, like that trip to the Grand Canyon, that camping trip you tried to take?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s advisable to have two people who have never camped before go camping together. Recipe for disaster. But, on the plus side, we realized just how compatible we were, that we could make it through just about anything.”

“Now all I can think about is taking you camping and making love to you under the stars.”

“I don’t think we have to go camping to make love under the stars.” That stopped him. I thumbed over my shoulder, towards the patio. He nodded and smiled and quirked just that one eyebrow and my insides went even squishier while he went back to his story.

“Anyway. Kristi. You saved her life, took care of her, took trips, and had adventures. I’d never heard her so happy. And, I was jealous. She was moving on from our friendship with a person who sounded completely amazing.  _I_  wanted to be best friends with you.”

“Well that’s sweet.”

“And then I realized I needed to move out here, for work. She was so happy I was coming out and she’d have both of us in the same town. And then she said something.”

“What did she say?”

“‘You have to take Taz out. On a date. You two totally need to date each other.’ It sounded too good to be true. She made you out to be this amazing, nice and wonderful person. I had already decided to let her set us up. Then she sent those pictures.”

“Yeah, New Year’s. Those were good pictures.”

“Yeah. I’ll admit, I was nervous to open the first one. Kristi told me to stop being a wuss. She told me she’d never steer me wrong. She told me we were going to hit it off. She told me you were beautiful.”

“She said that? About me?”

“Yeah. And I was sure we were going to get along. But I just thought: too good to be true, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Really smart. Funny. Fun-loving. Sweet. Honest. Loyal. Selfless. Gets along with my best friend. I know, you two are bffs, but she’s my best friend.”

“All that’s too good to be true?”

“Add beautiful on top of it all, and yeah. And now you add strong, fierce, soft, sexy.”

“Don’t forget stubborn and pig-headed.”

“Yeah, those things, too.”

“Chris, why are you telling me all this?”

“Come with me.”

He helped me out of the tub and started to towel me off.

“Wow, quite the full service. What did I do to deserve this?”

His kiss, soft and gentle, made me feel so special. I don’t know why, but I did. As he continued to dry me off he kept talking.

“Then, we had our first date and you were completely adorable. It was clear why you were flustered and hating Kristi. I mean, granted, if Kristi hadn’t told me on my drive over to the restaurant that you’d been crushing on me for a while, I probably wouldn’t have known. But because I knew, it was obvious.”

“Wait, Kristi told you that. I’m gonna kill her.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m not. Why not?”

“Because. I have something I need to tell you.”

“What?”

“I have been wanting to tell you so badly. But I couldn’t. I’ve had today planned since Thanksgiving week, Tuesday. Originally I wanted to tell you when I got back, but I knew that would be too soon. Then I went online and found and rented this house, made all the arrangements for today. And I almost screwed it up, time and time again, almost let the cat out of the bag. I’ve been wanting to tell you for some time now. And Harrison happened, and Sunday and Monday happened, and you sleeping Tuesday and I really wanted to tell you when you got up but you needed your sleep so it was good but, well, and then Wednesday. I wanted to tell you as soon as you woke up on Wednesday, but I’m so glad I didn’t but after everything we went through on Wednesday I knew I could hold out for one more day so, while I wanted to tell you so many times yesterday it was easier and I don’t think I slept at all last night because I just wanted it to be this morning. God, I almost let the cat out of the bag so many times.” He sounded a bit manic. I wondered if this was what his anxiety looked like. I hadn’t seen it, and we hadn’t talked about it, so I wasn’t sure.

“Chris, what are you talking about?”

He turned me around and put his hands over my eyes. I heard him open the door and he led me into the bedroom. He took his hands away and I opened my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I saw.

Flowers, absolutely  _everywhere_. All over the room. Strewn across the floor, vases and vases of flowers, all kinds, on every surface. And petals, I assumed roses, in red and pink and white, blanketing the bed. And candles. Even though it was morning and it was bright outside, he’d been able to get the room dark and now it was only lit by the dozens of candles covering any surface not taken up by flowers. Candlelight. Romantic candlelight.

“Oh my god, Chris! What is all this?” He turned me to face him. His hands cradled my head, thumbs caressing my cheeks.

“Taz, Sweetness. Baby, I’ve been falling in love with you for years. I just didn’t know it until our first date. Well, to be accurate, on the drive home, after we kissed.”

There was no possible way I’d just heard him correctly. He couldn’t possibly be in love with me.

“I love you.”

You know what? I’m not proud of it, but I did doubt him. Not that I thought he was lying to me. No. I thought he didn’t know what he was talking about. There was no way this wonderful man could actually love me. My doubt lasted only until he kissed me.

I had never been kissed like that. Movements both fast and slow, but always deep. Lips keeping pressure, and tongue exploring. His arms wrapped around me and held me close. I felt his love in that kiss. We were connected.

The one place in the room not covered in buds was the path to the bed which we were now taking. I was so overwhelmed by everything. It was the only reason I could think of that I hadn’t responded to him. That, and he wouldn’t stop kissing me. I felt the bed hit my calves and Chris stopped me from tumbling back. I was finally able to breathe as he cleared the rose petals off the bed.

“Chris, I-”

He spun around so quickly and put his hand on my mouth.

“No. Not yet. I’ve had a lot more time to know this, to know that I love you. And I don’t want you to say it just to say it. If you say it, when you say it, I know you’ll mean it. For today, for now, for right now, for this moment, I want this to be about me loving you.”

I really wanted to tell him how I felt about him, but he didn’t want me to. I wondered if this had something to do with what I told him about Harrison never using the words. At that moment I realized.

“Because I love you.”

He really did love me.

“I am in love with you.”

He wanted me to know, without a doubt, that his feelings were real and true. At that moment I fell in love with him even more than I already was, if that were remotely possible. He brought me back to the present.

“My love, we really need to stop talking. I have a very urgent need to make love to you.”

He tossed me onto the bed and climbed on top of me. He held my head and stilled all my movement.

“I love you, Taz. I want you to know that, to have absolutely no doubt.”

It took several moments for me to speak, I was so overwhelmed by him, by what he was saying and by this big, grand, romantic gesture. “I have no doubt.”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure. I think I need to show you. I think you need a demonstration.”

“I need a demonstration? Or do you just want to give me a demonstration.”

That got me the most gorgeous smile. I melted.

“Want? Want has nothing on me. I need it.”

“You need? What do you need, baby.”

“You.” I didn’t have a chance to give him anything. Chris took what he wanted.

He wanted control and he wanted a kiss. He took them both. It started soft, and deep, and exploring. His tongue wrapped around mine and he swallowed my gasp. He pulled my tongue into his mouth and suckled and I had to grab hold, keep grounded, stay with  _him_  and not get sucked into my head trying to dissect every little thing that he’d said. One of my hands moved to the back of his head and I pulled on him, needing him as close as possible. I wanted him to know how much  _I needed him_  since he wouldn’t let me say anything.

I felt him, hard, against my thigh. I reached down with my other hand and gently stroked his length. That got his attention. I recalled his speed from when I watched him on Wednesday and used that as my guide.

I made the kiss a bit more insistent, but didn’t change a thing about what I was doing to him. I guess he couldn’t handle the kiss on top of my hand. Once he broke the kiss he nuzzled into the crook of my neck.

“Perfect.” I slowed even more. “How do you know what I need, Sweetness?”

“Because it’s what I need.” His hips bucked a few times, so I slowed even more. “Come on, baby. Just let me.”

“Sweet, please stop.”

“Why, I thought you liked this.”

“I do.” It took all sorts of control when he bit my earlobe not to squeeze. “But not right now. Remember, this is my demonstration.” He reached down and gently grabbed my hand, removing it from him. I half expected him to put my hand over my head, but he didn’t. Instead, he moved it to his back. That’s when I realized that today was all about touching, feeling, connecting. Loving.

“I love you, baby.” His words, whispered at my ear, gave rise to chills and tingles breaking out all over. He continued to overwhelm me, with his words of love and with his gentle touch. His lips and his tongue worked from one extremely sensitive spot to the next. Between spots, he would say things like “you held my heart in your hands since before we met,” or “you were put on this earth just for me, weren’t you”, or “you’re mine”. It was too much.

“You like it when I call you mine, don’t you?”

I had to close my eyes, turn away from him.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”


	26. Soul

"I'm just overwhelmed is all."

“Why? What’s going on?” I hated the tension I heard in his voice. Concern was all I’d been hearing for the past couple of days. I felt like I was about to complain. Well, I was, in a way.

It was hard, but I wanted him to get it. He needed to understand. I had to get out from under him, though. I couldn’t  _feel_  him right now, not like this. It was too much. I was on overload.

“Please, Chris, let me up.” I didn’t like the squeaking of my own voice.

“Not until you tell me what I’ve done wrong, baby.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong. I just, I need, please, please let me up.” I was doing what I could not to panic.

He was reluctant, but did as I asked.  _I knew he would always do as I asked_. It helped a tremendous amount and I was able to start breathing a bit easier.

“If you could give me a sec.” I backed away from him and I could see that now  _he_  was starting to panic. I stopped moving away from him and instead turned around and hugged my knees to my chest and rocked a bit. All I needed was to collect myself, my thoughts. It was all just a bit too much for me. I could feel the tremors in my body and they weren’t going to go away anytime soon. Not unless I spoke up.

“I, um, I’m on complete overload right now.” I couldn’t control the speed at which I spoke. I’m sure the words were running together, making it even more difficult to understand what I was saying. “I have physical sensations flooding me right now, head to toe and I could also feel you and yeah they’re two separate things, one what you’re doin’ to me the other is just that I can feel you but the fact that I can feel you makes me feel things and that’s something else, and I can hear you and that’s something and your voice right now is also something what’s causing those things and then what you are  _saying_  to me is also causing, something, yeah.” I tried to take a deep breath, but couldn’t. I could only take shallow breaths. “And seeing you would cause those things too and that’s just too much right now I’m on sensory overload right now and I can’t handle one more.” There was all that, but there was more, too. I wasn’t even sure what I was saying. I started trying to control my breathing, silently counting as I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. He gave me a few minutes and then tentatively touched my shoulder. I quickly leaned into him after my initial startled jump. He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me back between his legs, and held me close. Fingers scraping along my scalp, combing my hair calmed me. We were quiet and otherwise still. It was a few more minutes before he finally spoke.

“I do all that to you?” Apparently, it made sense to Chris.

I nodded. It was still a bit too much.

“Sweetn-”

“No.” I cut him off and it took a bit, and he finally relaxed his grip on me so I could turn around and face him. I got to my knees. I had to look at him. “There’s more. And I  _have_  to say this I have to say  _all_  of this.” I wasn’t on overload anymore, but I had to get this out. I had to, somehow, get him to understand. “Chris? You won’t let me say what’s in my heart right now and that’s really hard. It’s like the words are stuck there and ‘cause they can’t come out ‘cause you won’t let me let them out yet they’re filling me up way too much and I’m going to burst because that’s  _all_  that’s in me right now it’s  _all_  that’s on my mind and it’s consuming me and I just don’t know how much more I can take of you telling me  _you love me_  and me not being able to say  _anything_  in return telling you how I feel.” My breathing became labored and I started to shake again, but this was panic for a different reason. “These feelings have been in me for a while, for longer than today, longer than this week, and I was so scared that you’d walk away. It’s why I couldn’t say anything, why I couldn’t tell you, why I couldn’t give voice to what was going on inside of me because I was so afraid that you’d push me away and I’d get hurt. And then you made me believe in you, no, no wait a minute, that’s not right. I’ve  _always_  believed in you, but you made me believe in us, when you stuck by my side after finding out about,” my shame had me looking away, “him,” I didn’t want to say anything about Harrison but he was such a big part of what was going on inside me, “and what he did and helping me with the police and being you. Just being you, Chris, being the wonderful man you are and that you’ve stolen my heart. It isn’t mine anymore, it’s yours ‘cause  _I love you_!” I knew I said something I shouldn’t have and I slapped my hand over my mouth, trying to stop myself from saying anything else I shouldn’t. I was shaking so hard and tears were streaming down my face. It was the only way the pent up emotion could come out of me.

“Oh god, Chris, I’m so sorry! Now I’ve gone and screwed things up. Fuck!” I tried to back up so I could get off the bed. I didn’t know where I could go. All I knew was I needed to hide.

“Don’t you dare! Anastazia, stop!” He tightened his grip on me and wouldn’t let go.

I put my hands on his monster shoulders and pushed against him to get away. But I couldn’t. He wasn’t letting go. I was tongue tied; no words could escape.

“Sweetness, you just told me you love me. Do you think I’m gonna let you get away now? No fucking way!” He got to his knees and pulled me close, securing me in his arms. “Please, stop panicking. You haven’t screwed anything up. I have. I was awful to you, not letting you say anything. I thought I was doing you a favor and look what I did to you. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.”

Time. I only needed a little bit of time to stop the panic and that was what he gave me. Once he felt me relax, he sat back down and pulled me onto his lap.

“Your overload, is it a bad overload?”

I shook my head. “It was unpleasant, but not bad.”

“So just too much?”

I nodded.

“You let me know when you’re okay, okay?”

I gave him a big hug and rested my head on his shoulder. It took some time, but I started to come down.

“I think I’m okay now. Thank you”

“I didn’t know I did all that to you.”

“I’m a bit of a nut, aren’t I?” I huffed a bit of a laugh to try to cover my embarrassment. I sat back but couldn’t look at him.

“No way, Sweetness. No way. Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” His hand stroking my head was so soothing.

“It wasn’t like this when we first started going out. But it’s been getting more and more. I think as I started to know how much you meant to me, and then how much I loved you, it started to be something that was hard to keep in, so it didn’t take much for me to get a little overwhelmed. And then today, well, not being able to say anything: that was the hardest. It kept bubbling to the surface and wanting to come out and you wouldn’t let it and it was just hard, that’s all. The only time it didn’t seem to happen was when we were kissing.”

“This doesn’t happen when we’re kissing?” Was that disappointment?

“No, it doesn’t. Kissing you is the one thing that seems to ground me.”

“Well, then Sweetness, I want you to do something for me.”

I finally gained the courage to look at him. “What?”

“Next time that happens, let me know. I would much rather kiss you than have you pull away. ‘Cause, you know what?”

“What?”

“I think kissing you is  _my_  favorite thing in the whole world.” That goofy grin was going to be the death of me. I got chills and he saw my reaction. I put myself into his very capable hands and he took care of me. “Is it okay for me to touch you?”

“Well, you’re holding me, so you’re touching me.” I had to show the smartass I was so he would know I was okay. I couldn’t have him thinking I was the complete mess I actually was.

“No. I mean touch you.” He caressed my face, fingertips traveling from my forehead to my chin. He was the most gentle he’d ever been with me and all was good. I nodded.

“I think so.”

“Do me a favor?”

That voice rocked me to my core. Not because it was Mr. Sexy-Man-Singing-Voice. No. I could tell. He wasn’t acting. It wasn’t put on. Was he just as affected by me?  _Maybe he was_.

“Of course, just name it.”

“Close your eyes. Tell me if it gets to be too much.”

A moment after I closed them I felt the softest of touches as he tilted my head back. Heat from his breath paved the way for the exploration his lips and tongue took, honing in on all those spots that made me shiver. I started with soft sighs, more of a heavy breath that graduated to moans that got louder and louder as he continued, lazily working his way back to my ear.

“Please, Taz, say that again.”

“Hmmm? What?”

“That last part, of what you told me just a bit ago.” It took me a few seconds to understand what he was asking. I couldn’t help it as the corner of my lips twitched.

“What, the part where I told you something you didn’t want me to say?”

“Baby, it wasn’t that I didn’t want you to say it. I didn’t want you to feel pressured into saying it. I’m sorry about that.”

“I was just giving you a hard time. Please don’t be sorry.”

“You should always be able to tell me anything you want. I’m supposed to be your safe place, Sweetness.”

“You are my safe place, Chris.” His fingers grabbed just a little bit harder at that admission. “So, you’re not mad I said it?” I knew the answer, but I was trying to show him I was okay. It felt like he was still worried about me.

“No. No way. Never mad that you say that. Wait, remind me. What did you say?”

“I love you.” The very tip of his finger played with me, feather-light touches running down my shoulder, down my arm, grasping my fingers and turning my hand over where he followed the lines of my palm before he brought it to him, nuzzling and kissing before guiding it to his face, holding it pressed to him as he righted himself.

“I didn’t quite catch that?”

I hadn’t yet said it while looking into his eyes, so I pulled back from him. My other hand came up and I brushed his lips with my fingertips before they moved to his jaw, my nails scraped along his beard. I felt his jaw clench and unclench several times before my thumb settled into stroking his lips. That seemed to distract him, calm him down.

“I love you, Chris.” My voice hitched right before I said his name and I finished with my lips firmly between my teeth, eyes cast downward. Before I could remove my hands and pull away, he held them, palm to palm, and wouldn’t let me move.  _I couldn’t even get this right_.

“Sweetness, look at me.” I couldn’t look up. I didn’t dare. I didn’t want to see disappointment or laughter or whatever else was going on. “I love you, Taz. Please look at me.”

I couldn’t look at him quite yet. I think I had to work my way up to it.

His kiss to my neck was tender and loving. That’s when I realized he’d been kissing me this way from the beginning. His very first kiss had been tender and loving. Maybe he really had developed feelings before we’d ever met.

“I love you.” Those words, direct in my ear, shot through me. He mmmmm’d when he saw my shudder. It took several moments for me to come back to center after that. He’d tilted my head away, just a fraction, and I felt him as he nipped and kissed along my jaw. When he pulled on my chin bringing me back to him, we both opened our eyes. His hooded gaze ignited my soul. I felt the pad of his finger rubbing my bottom lip then gently glancing off the tip of my tongue before he retreated. I was again overwhelmed, but this time it was different. This time it was a slow burning fire, low in my belly, that was fanned to flame.

“I love you, Chris.” My heart stopped right along with the world until our lips finally touched. There was nothing else in existence except exactly where he touched me. The only reason I was alive was because of him. Gentle, barely there lips caressing mine breathed life into me. His hand, fingers skipping and tickling down my spine, kept my heart thumping and my lungs working. His other hand, cupping the back of my head, kept my brain functioning. Barely.

His lips passed over mine again, and again, and once more, before we settled into that kiss.

My fingers skated over his ears as my hands worked to hold him. I felt his shudder when my pinky barely slid over the skin behind his ear. I couldn’t help but smile a little as we kissed, finally realizing the effect I had on him.

Chris was unwilling to break the kiss, instead, speaking with his lips pressed against mine. “You like that?”

Do you know how difficult it is to kiss someone when you’re grinning?

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

“Oh fuck!”

“No.”

“No?”

“No. Not fuck. Make love.”

“Is that what you want, Sweet?”

“Yes. Make love to me.”

“What my love wants, my love gets.” I felt the tingles start in the middle of my back and travel out and down the right side of my body before coming back up on my left to settle into my scalp. Now it was his turn to smile as we kissed.

He twisted us around and towards the side of the bed, intent on grabbing several little packets. I laughed as we awkwardly maneuvered back.

“You think this is funny? How about we just don’t use them. I wanna feel you. I wanna be inside you.”

“Baby, I almost had a meltdown from telling you I love you, I don’t think I’m qualified to have kids yet.”

“Technically, your meltdown was because of me, because I wouldn’t let you say anything.”

“I’m still not ready for kids.”

“And you really can’t go on birth control?”

“Not unless I want blood clots.”

That stopped him, stopped his kisses. “You didn’t mention that before.”

“Well, you didn’t ask. It’s a genetic thing.” I started the kissing this time. I’d developed a need for his lips on mine.

“Then we’ll keep using until we’re ready for kids.” His offhand comment stopped both of us in our tracks.

“Did you actually just say that?”

“Yeah, I guess I did.” That put a pause on things, until he continued. “Let’s not panic over what I just said. How about we talk about it later. At least not until after the first of the year.”

“How about we don’t put a timetable on it, but rather we are not ready for that conversation. There are so many other things we need to talk about before having kids. Let’s just agree it’s very much a future conversation.”

Chris got the sexiest grin on his face.

“What is that look for?”

“Agreed. For now, I think we need to practice.”

“Well, practice does make perfect.”

“Sweetness, you’re already perfect.”

“Oh good god that was astronomically cheesy!”

He grabbed several condoms before joining me back in the middle of the bed. He pushed my shoulder and down I went. He followed and settled over me. We got comfortable and he started kissing me again.

“It might have been cheesy, but it’s very true.”

“Not perfect.”

“Mmm. For me you are.”

I thought it was for this very moment that he’d spent that Sunday getting to know me, my body, my tells. He’d spent so much time cataloging every place and exactly what he could do to make me do whatever he wanted.

I had to interrupt him, though.

“Chris?”

“Mmm?”

He didn’t stop. Really, I didn’t want him to, either.

“I love you.”

I felt his teeth take hold and knew I’d have some marks on me for a day or two. He came back to my mouth and the kisses began to change.

Possessive. Desirous. Passionate. All-consuming. The best part about them, though: they always had love behind them.

He grabbed my hands and took them over my head. When he took his hands away, mine began to move back down.

“Sweetness, please?”

“No, Chris. Not today. Please, no games today. I need to feel you. I need your warmth under my hands.”

“What if it gets to be too much for you? What if you get overloaded again?”

“I think it got to be too much before because you wouldn’t let me tell you I love you.”

“I don’t think that’ll ever get old.”

“What?”

“Hearing you say that.”

“Say what? I love you?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn straight. Better never get old.” I thought for a moment. “Chris?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Sweetness.”

I know the reason I had a goofy grin on my face. I was hoping his was for the same reason.

He gave me a quick kiss before he tilted my head back with his thumb. He worked his way down and as much as it felt good, I really hoped he was going to pass the hollow of my throat. I think he knew what I wanted since he stopped and hung out. I did my best not to hurry him along, so instead of pushing on him, I scratched and massaged his scalp until he removed my hand, lacing our fingers together. He did the same with my other hand and pinned them to the bed.

“You’re distracting me, woman.”

“What, that’s a bad thing? What if I want to distract you?”

“But I don’t want to be distracted.”

“So, you have plan, something you want?”

“Yeah.”

“What?”

“Do you remember? The first time we made love?”

“Do I remember. Seriously. Chris, that is not something I’ll ever forget.”

“Yeah. I’d love to do that again. You up for it?”

“That was pretty damn intense, baby.”

“I know. And just imagine what it’ll be like now, now that you  _know_  I love you.”

I had to pause and think about that for a moment. “Is that what you want?”

“Yeah. It’ll be just a little different this time.”

“How’s that.”

“You’ll see, as long as you’re up for it.”

“And if it gets to be too much, you’ll stop?”

“Sweet, I don’t ever want to hurt you. You know I’ll stop. So, you up for it?”

I closed my eyes and nodded.

“No, you know my rule.”

I kept my eyes closed for a moment longer. I needed that time. I knew this was going to be intense if it was anywhere near what it was like the last time. A soft caress to my cheek and my eyes opened. The most beautiful blue eyes, full of concern for  _me_ , after everything I’d put him through, greeted me.

“I love you, Chris.”

“Are you up for it? It’s okay if it’s no. I don’t want-”

“Yes, I’m up for it. I will never say yes to something I don’t want to do.” He’d been cupping my jaw and his hand got heavy as he rolled to my side. He was very careful as he dragged his hand over my neck and it was as he got to my chest that he let me feel his presence. His hand didn’t get rough, or forceful, just more. I knew he was there. Gone were the soft, tender touches. His fingers were deadly.

As his hand grabbed and fondled my breast, he kissed me, long and deep. When he pinched and plucked and tweaked my nipple, I had a hard time remembering to kiss him. But it was when he pinched and used his stubby nail to scrape that sensitive bud that I all but levitated.

“Do you know how much I love you like this? Not able to think? Only able to respond to me? It’s when I know you’re mine.”

“A-always yours babe.”

“But this is different. I can look into your eyes and see you’ve never felt anything like this before, and you like it. That’s how I know you’re mine.”

“Yessssssss.”

The groan that came out of him when he kissed me? Fuuuuuuuck.

“You have no idea what it does to me to feel your jaw tremble like that. It tells me just how much you like this.”

This time, his kiss took me to a whole other place. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and then grabbed it with his teeth. When I felt the rapid flutter of his tongue against mine, my entire world turned inside out. The sound that came out of me was not of this world.

“My girl likes that, does she?”

“Fuck yeah.”

“Do you want my tongue in your mouth, or on your tit?”

“Both.”

“What my girl wants, my girl gets.”

After a repeat of what he could do with his tongue, and even though I knew what was coming I was still not prepared for it, he trekked south, kissing and biting and scraping his beard along the way. His hand squeezed my breast from the bottom while his mouth attacked from the top. He was not being gentle.

His teeth grabbed hold a bit tighter than necessary. I felt the smallest amount of pain as he loosened his hand, letting the heavy flesh pull itself from his mouth. As his teeth scraped the oversensitive tip, I cried out. He immediately sucked the hardened nub in and worried it with his tongue, swirling before the tip fluttered against me.

I was no longer in control of my body.

Chris had to hold me down. His hand, the one  _not_  occupied with tearing me apart, pressed my pelvis to the bed, fingers splayed. He kept his tongue busy the whole time and I was torn between shoving him off of me and holding him close. But when his tongue fluttered against me again, my entire body lit up, back arching, hands trying to grab anything near that would help me to move, half of me trying to get away and the other half trying to get closer. He finally stopped and I sank back to the bed as I came back to my senses, his thumb keeping me close to the edge.

“Fuck, Chris. What the hell was that?”

“It felt like you might have been trying to get away from me. Did you like it?”

“Yes, I did, and it was too much.”

“I’m sorry.”

I reached up and grabbed a fistful of hair and made him look at me.

“Don’t you  _ever_  apologize for that. Now do it again.”

“I thought it was too much.”

“Yeah, it was. And I want more.”

His wicked grin came out as he bent his head over, intent on doing that again.

And again.

And again.

After the last time, all he had to do was drag a nail across me and my body lit up.

Chris stretched out on top of me, moving my head with his chin so he could kiss that spot, the one below my ear. He settled there for a while. I felt like he was keeping me strung out, my body humming and my brain not working. Once he had his fill we kissed, and oh boy did we kiss. He got a little playful, nipping at my bottom lip before plunging in, his tongue teasing me, stroking mine. He searched out those spots he knew I liked before flicking his tongue against mine.

I tried. I really did. I tried to roll him over, but he was having none of it. Instead, he rolled off of me and pulled my leg between his, opening me up to him. His mouth never left mine. He tucked one arm under my head and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together. It was when I tried to grab the back of his head that I realized I was trapped: my other arm was under him. I wouldn’t be able to move, unless I used my safeword, and I did  _not_  want to do that. He felt me first tense then relax, and he hummed his approval. I was now at his mercy.

His fingers skated over my body, from light touches to firm caresses. He varied the pressure and kept me guessing. Sometimes it was so light it was barely a tickle. He moved from the pads of his fingers to his whole hand to his fingernails, each causing different sensations to run through me. The way he was playing with me, from my stomach to my hipbones to my nipples, he kept me guessing where he was going to touch me next, how much pressure, what I could expect.

He was staying firmly above my hipbones, making me wonder when, or even if he was ever going to venture south. He swallowed my moans and my sighs and my shriek when his nail scraped my nipple several times, lighting me up once more.

That’s when I felt his hand. He’d finally ventured to where I ached for him. His touch was so gentle and I had to have more. I couldn’t move much, but I did what I could to increase the friction I felt between my legs. He kept moving his hand away as I tried to move closer.

“Shhh shshshsh. Stop moving, Taz. Come on, you know better than that. Come on, stop.”

“But Chris I-”

“Nooooo, Sweetness. Remember what I’m trying to do.”

“Chris, I want you to make love to me. Please?”

“Not yet, baby. Don’t worry. You’re gonna enjoy this. Just relax, and leave the driving to me. I love you, baby.”

He leaned over to kiss me as his hand cupped my sex. I deepened the kiss as much as I could and did what I could to thrust into his hand. I needed him so much.

“Remember, Sweet, you’re not coming ‘til I’m good and ready for you to.”

“Yes, Chris.”

“That’s my good girl.”

I couldn’t help my whimper. I loved it when he called me his good girl.

“Yes, Sweetness. You are my good girl. I love my good girl.”

As he took his time, his lips soft and caressing, his tongue a bit playful, he began the long climb of working me into a frenzy.

Just like when his fingers were traversing down my spine, skipping and tickling from vertebrae to vertebrae, he used the same light and playful touch as he caressed my labia.

The only problem was, it tickled! I wrenched my head away from him.

“Chris! Please! Please stop the tickling!” I could feel his laughter right before he stopped. Tickling, that is.

“Look at me.”

I glanced up at him, and that’s when he parted my labia, two fingers spreading me open as a third swiped over me. My shuddering exhale made him smile. Each pass had his finger a bit more in me. And then he felt it. He felt just how wet he’d made me.

“Fuck, Sweet.”

I felt it, trickling, dribbling out of me as he worked his finger around. He coated himself with me and ran his finger up to my clit, circling and swiping over me before heading back down to do it again. This time he used two fingers, dipping then into me scissoring and crooking and scraping my walls as he came out, heading back to that oversensitive nub. This time his fingers surrounded it and rubbed the sides before he plunged back into me. He repeated his actions, many times, and I know he was waiting for me to tell him I was close. I tried, I did what I could to keep my mind elsewhere, someplace other than the sheer ecstasy of what he was doing to me.

A third finger entered me this time and, had he not had me so restrained, I would’ve bucked. He knew me so well that he could tell it wouldn’t be long now before I’d be telling him I was close. It was why I whined as he changed, pulling his fingers from me as he caressed me, wide circles languidly spreading my arousal all around.

“Chris, please?”

“Not yet, baby. I’m not ready for you to be close yet.” His kiss was soft and sweet. That’s when I felt him start again. One finger entering and probing and pressing until he heard more than a breath from me. One finger circling, brushing, rubbing, until he heard more than a groan from me. Two fingers scraping, crooked and working faster, wanting me to respond to him. Two fingers, slick with me, making my nub slippery. Three fingers, poking and stretching and prodding until my back arched the little it could, until I thrust onto his hand, as much as he would allow. I got just a little bit closer.

And he backed off again.

I don’t know how many times he went through this routine. I say routine, but each time was just a bit different, each time would be something new. Each time I would get closer to what I was craving.

At one point he stopped. He told me I was not allowed to move. He grabbed a bottle of water and took several swigs before handing it to me. I guzzled the rest down. When he put the bottle back on the table, he turned to me and quickly latched onto my breast, the one that had provided so much entertainment earlier. He flicked his tongue and I was gone.

Next thing I knew, he had a finger in me again. It wasn’t in me for long this time, though. He pulled it out and stuck it in his mouth, sucking himself clean. He did that several times before he settled and started playing me again. Stroking, prodding, and ratcheting me up only to let me back down. Over and over. I couldn’t take anymore. I needed my release. I needed  _him_.

“Baby, I can’t take anymore, please?”

He was so methodical this time, taking lots of time, working me slowly, painstakingly so. He moved and he was finally between my legs, one hand circling and prodding and playing me, the other stroking him. I couldn’t stay still any longer. I was at the end of my rope and he could tell. He didn’t admonish me when I started thrusting onto him. My hips moving harder and faster as my hands found the headboard and used that as leverage.

Chris leaned over me.

“Look at me, Sweet.”

I didn’t just look at him, I kissed him. He pulled his fingers from me and his thumb circled my clit and I knew he was ready. I sure as hell was.

“I love you, Chris.”

Oh my god, but he plunged all the way, and it happened again. The man is a genius. He was so gentle with long, slow strokes out and in, thumb gently circling, prolonging what was happening to me. At the tail end, when I was really coming down, finally, I pulled on his head and kissed him, pulling his tongue into my mouth this time, massaging him. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him close. He stopped thrusting and we stayed motionless for a bit, savoring each other.

“I love you.”

I felt his body’s reaction. If his groan was any indication, so did he. I turned my head so I could whisper it into his ear.

“I love you, Chris.”

That twitch was an even bigger one and this time, my inner walls gripped him in turn.

“I’ve been waiting, ever since I had you pinned against your door, for you to say that to me. Taz, I love you.”

He took his own sweet time, making love to me. The slow, almost lazy way his hips pumped kept us connected for what felt like forever. Neither of us wanted this to finish any time soon. I didn’t care how long it took, I only cared that I felt more connected to this wonderful man than I had to that point.

We exchanged  _I love you’s_  as we touched and caressed and made love. Each time I said it to him, I felt like I was giving him more of myself. Of my heart. Of my soul.

We finished and we kissed and we cleaned up and we kissed and we snuggled and we kissed and we talked. And we kissed.

I wanted to make one request, to whoever it was in charge of these things: I wanted to spend the rest of my life kissing this man.


	27. Let Me Count the Ways

We spent the rest of the morning in bed before we headed out to take a look around and do some window shopping. We caught many a shop owner’s eye as we were still in the afterglow of the morning’s revelation and exchanging of I love you’s. We were able to find secluded spots in various stores that allowed us a modicum of privacy, but it was a Friday and lots of people were in the area for a long-ish weekend. We overheard a couple of kids so we knew he’d been recognized a few times, but I think the parents could tell it would be best to leave us be and for that we were grateful. We were so wrapped up in each other that it was more than obvious that we were in love.

By the time we got back to the house, everything from the morning had been cleaned up, at least all the loose flowers. When I asked how he’d managed that, his only remark? ‘I have people’. I loved that it was so easy for him to make me laugh.

I changed and headed out to the Jacuzzi, wanting to enjoy the rest of the sunshine and wanting to keep as relaxed as possible. Chris didn’t join me right away, doing whatever he was doing inside. By the time he came out, the sun was beginning to set. He told me he’d had dinner catered and it was being kept warm in the oven, and he brought us out some wine to enjoy.

There was all sorts of canoodling going on. With the gorgeous sunset as our backdrop, I  _may_  or may not have teased him mercilessly with a hand job. I mean come on: you forget the condoms, you deserve to be teased. Once I was done teasing him, I left him to take care of himself and got out, heading inside to quickly shower the chlorine off and change for dinner. I found out just how handy it was to have a shower that large, and with a ledge that was actually quite comfortable for sitting. I’d always suspected Chris was playful at  _all_  times, it was great having it confirmed. I also knew he was a tease, I just didn’t know he was that much of a tease. Turnabout’s fair play, he said. No, actually, no it isn’t.

We dressed for dinner. Chris put on a navy blue pinstripe that made my mouth water. I had my grey dress, the one from New Year’s a few years ago that I knew he liked that I thought would be perfect for the occasion. I wore something very special underneath, also something that I knew he liked. I’m a firm believer in using something that you know works, and in this case,  _I knew_.

We had dinner outside. The portable heater from that morning stuck around so we didn’t feel the chill. We flirted and talked and held hands and talked some more. The rest of the evening was romantic and lovely and special and I couldn’t even begin to tell you what we talked about.

Once dinner was finished, I stood up and turned.

“Love, would you be so kind as to help me with my zipper?”

“You getting undressed out here?”

“I wanna get back in the Jacuzzi. I figure: why head in when I’m going to come right back out. Do you mind?”

“No. No, I don’t mind, at all.” He gently pulled me to his lap. There wasn’t anything speedy about how he undressed me. The zipper moved at a snail’s pace. It was a good thing, too, as Chris’s lips covered all my newly exposed skin. He took his sweet time. Back and forth, from one side to the other, he covered every inch of my skin.

He had me lean forward when he got to a place that he couldn’t reach, but that only lasted for so long. He had me stand up and I almost fell over as my knees gave out. He secured me between his legs as he continued, working the dress off my shoulders and letting it fall, past my hips, to the floor.

That’s when I heard his groan.

His hands ran up and down my legs, over the stockings and this time, they ran all the way up past the bands at the top.

“Would you like help getting out of this?”

“That would be lovely, but I’d hate to get runs.”

“Here.” Chris took off his coat and gestured to me to stand on it.

“There’s no way I’m standing on that coat.”

“Shhh. Please, Sweetness. Just let me. This time I want to take the whole thing off you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Last time, you were the one who took off your g-string. You wouldn’t let me touch you.”

“Don’t you remember? You never gave it back to me.”

“So then what are you wearing underneath…?”

I grabbed his hand and maneuvered it to my thigh. “Who says I’m wearing anything.”

Can you say caveman? Can you say tossed over the shoulder and taken back to his cave? Can you say he never let me out of the cave for the rest of the night?

This time, at his request, I left my shoes on for him. Well, not just my shoes. The first time, anyway. Eventually the bandage skirt came off. But it was a long time before the shoes did.

Saturday, I woke when the sun was just beginning to show herself and heard Chris’s even breathing. Well, after yesterday, after  _last night_ , I wasn’t surprised in the least that he was still zonked. He’d kept talking about  _my_  difficult week, but I knew that he, too, had been dealing with everything. Plus, the arranging of everything for yesterday. I think he finally relaxed. He’d been holding everything in for so long, what he’d been thinking and feeling, for pretty much the entire time we’d known each other. Yesterday had to have been a relief, at least, once we got past my shenanigans.

I really needed to get lots of things solved.

I maneuvered out from his arms and realized he really was out of it when he didn’t even stir. I was determined. I wanted to do something for him.

It took some time, and I didn’t want to have everything ready too early, but I wanted to make breakfast for him. I had something else to do, though, before I made breakfast. It took a couple of iterations and some careful thought, but I got it done. I wasn’t sure what to use, and then I spied the perfect thing.

By the time I was done making breakfast, the sun was well up. I found the tray that Chris had used several times and loaded it up with the eggs and bacon, toasted bagels, fruit, and coffee. I did not want to wake him up walking back into the room, so when I brought it in I was careful as I gently set it on the floor. I smiled as I watched him sleep for a moment before I crawled back in bed, this time behind him. I cuddled up to him and kissed him on the back of his neck. I knew when he was awake by his change in breathing. I kept up the kisses.

“Mmmmm, now I know why you like this.” I’d never heard his sleep-laden voice. There was nothing this man did that was not immediately sexy.

“Pretty fantastic, right?”

“Wait, how’d you get on my side of the bed?”

“I made breakfast. It’s on a tray on the floor, and I crawled back in bed with you.”

“You didn’t have to do that, baby.”

“I wanted to. I wanted to say thank you for yesterday. It was lovely, and romantic, and absolutely perfect, even if I did throw some bumps in the road. I love you.”

“You didn’t throw any bumps anywhere.” It was much easier for him to move and turn over in my arms than it had been for me to move in his all week. “Good morning, my love.”

I gave him a quick kiss. “Are you hungry?”

When he nodded his head, and with the look on his face, I knew he wasn’t thinking about food.

By the time we got to what was on the tray, it was ice cold. I took it back in to warm it up and Chris followed me in, wrapped in my blanket. He saw that I had the plates in the microwave and came up behind me, wrapping us up in the blanket. We hugged and waited for our food to warm. Rather than head back to the bedroom, we sat at the island in the kitchen with me on his lap. He kept eyeing his Red Sox hat, which was turned upside down and had slips of paper in it. I’d decided to let him be the one to broach the subject.

“What’s this?” His fork indicated the hat.  _Finally_.

“Why don’t you reach in and choose one piece of paper.” He did as asked. “Now, why don’t you read what’s on it.”

“Laughter.” He read it and then cocked his head at me, not understanding why he’d just read that word.

I giggled. “Your laughter is completely infectious. You have such a wonderful sense of humor and find joy and laughter in so many things. I love you for your laughter.”

“That is so sweet. Thank you.” He looked a bit startled by what I’d said and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Come on, eat up. I don’t know about you, but yesterday sure took a lot out of me.” I kept trying to smooth his hair down and it just wouldn’t stay.

“What are you doing?”

“You definitely have sex hair going on. Considering that we took what, a bath and two showers yesterday, I assumed you wouldn’t want another one.”

He was eating the eggs and kept kissing me between bites.

“This is really good, Sweet. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. It wasn’t hard to do. Just some eggs and bacon.”

“It’s still good. Bacon’s not burned.”

“Come on, how about another one.” I held out the hat and he chose another.

“There’s quite a few slips of paper there, Taz.” He almost sounded upset.

“Then you better read the one in your hand. May take us a long time to get through everything.”

“What’s going on?”

“Please, just read it.”

He glared at me. “Patience.” We both burst out laughing at the timing of that one.

“Normally, you’ve got patience in abundance. I cannot even count how many times you’ve been patient with me. But I first noticed your patience when we were at that gallery, the one I took you to, with the photographs, and the photographer was there and he was going on and on about his process and the look on your face told me that you really didn’t want to be there. At least, not spending your time with him. I mean, you did like the photographs, you just would’ve preferred to be with me.”

“It wasn’t our first date, but it felt like it was since you were talking to me that time, so it was an improvement over our first.”

“I thought our first was pretty good. Griffith was great. You ended up encouraging him to talk more, like you knew it was something he needed. You were so compassionate and he didn’t know who you were, or he played like he didn’t. All I know is that you were pretty remarkable.”

“And here I thought I was masking what was going on inside.” I guessed I’d surprised him that I’d seen through what was going on. Really, it wasn’t all that hard.

“He was just looking at the surface you, ‘cause, well, let’s face it, babe, you got a pretty surface. I mean you are definitely the better looking of the two of us. I was doing what I could to see the underneath. The person you are. I love the person you are.”

“Sweet, I love you, too.”

I gave him a quick kiss. I wanted to give him more reasons.

“Come on. Grab another one.”

“Perseverance.”

“Ooo, couple of things for that one.” I started talking to myself. “But wait, only  _one_  that I know directly, so that’s all I’ll talk about.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did I say that out loud? I told myself when I was putting this together this morning that I only wanted to use things that I saw, that I’d witnessed for myself. Just because there’s a lot of media on you, that doesn’t mean that should be how I know you.”

“Why?”

“Well, if you weren’t someone in the spotlight, how else would I know stuff about you? I wouldn’t. Anyway, back to, perseverance. You don’t quit with me. You don’t let me get away with stuff that others normally let me get away with. You’re stubborn that way. And you’re smart, you can counter the crap I say better than anyone else ever has. You’re fast. It’s like you somehow know what I’m going to say and you already have the argument. Another one, come on this is fun.”

“Dorkiness. Seriously, Taz? You actually wrote that one down?”

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re so adorkable.”

“I’m what?”

“Adorkable!”

“Give me an example!”

“You asked for it!” I couldn’t help but laugh at this one. “That dance you did for me yesterday.”

“What da- oh, that one.”

“Yeah. Your little nekkid dance. Or not so little, as the case may be.” I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as my eyes attempted to see past the blanket. We both laughed. He pulled another slip of paper out.

“Intelligence.”

“Already covered. Next.”

“Generosity.”

“How you are with your littlest fans! You spend time with them and make them feel special and it’s just wonderful. And you were patient and kind with them, too. It was truly wonderful to witness. ‘Kay, another.”

“I don’t need this, Taz. Why are you doing this?”

I backed up a bit and looked away. It felt a little like a reprimand, but then I reminded myself that he wasn’t my father ( _thank god!_ ) so I did what I could to shake it off. I was afraid to speak my mind, but I really wanted him to know.

“What if  _I_  do?” I finally glanced up at him. “What if I need you to know that I see you, that I’ve fallen in love with  _you_? Not some public version, not some PR machine or movie version, but you.”

“Sweetness, I already know that. Come here.” We cuddled for a moment before he moved to get up. I hopped off and took a few steps back, giving him space.

“Come with me.”

He wrapped us up in the blanket once again, walking us back towards the bedroom. This blanket was starting to take on some special meaning for me, more than what it had meant when he gave it to me. I knew that every time I looked at it in the future, every time I was under it or had it wrapped around my shoulders, I was going to think of this weekend. That’s when I realized: Chris wasn’t just smart. He was brilliant.

“Where are we going?” I had a feeling I knew.

“Well, you never got your Jacuzzi last night.” I didn’t know.

“I know. You sidetracked me, you  _bad_  man.”

“Told ya. I’m at least a little bad.” I couldn’t help the groan and chuckle that escaped me. “Let’s go.”

After heading to the bedroom and getting back in a bikini, and yes, I did know it was going to be coming right back off, but I didn’t care, I brushed my teeth, grabbed a couple of towels, and headed out. Chris had beat me there so when I stepped into the tub, I immediately settled onto his lap. We kissed some more. I felt his hand steal under my bikini bottoms.

“I do have one thing. I want you to come with me.”

“I always do what I can, but no promises, Chris.”

“No, well, yes, that too. No, I want you to come to Boston with me, meet my family, spend time with them.”

That was not what I was expecting.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, of course I’m sure.”

“When?”

“Christmas.”

“Christmas? You're kidding.” When I saw the shake of his head I continued. “Oh god, okay. First of all, hello, that’s like soon. Can I think about it? You’re giving me almost no time to think about it.”  _Are you fucking kidding me?!?!_

“What’s there to think about?”

“Um. Meeting your family? That’s a big step. Huge. Especially if I’m flying out to meet ‘em. It’s not like ‘oh, here, we’ll just go over for dinner.’ No, this is take time off work and head cross country, and, yeah, there’s the whole sleeping arrangement. Oh, I am  _so_  getting a hotel room. And it’s Christmas for crying out loud! That’s like, meaningful family time.”

“Well, you mean a lot to me. Something else?”

“What now?” Great. What else was he going to ask of me.

“Spend New Year’s with me?”

That was not what I was expecting. Was he trying to confuse me? “What do you want to do for New Year’s?”

“Your place, my place, I don’t care. Maybe we have Kristi and what’s his name, Frank?”

“Yeah, Frank.”

“Let’s have Kristi and Frank over to my place. We’ll have ‘em stay the night so they don’t have to deal with the crazy drunk drivers out there. We’ll make a day of it. I’ve got the game room and the pool, we’ll grill. Make it a fun evening. We can get dressed up or be casual, whatever you and Kristi want. We’ll watch football.”

“That sounds like a plan.”

“Great. Christmas at my Mom’s, New Year’s here. Oh, and I’ll be in and out of town for most of January and February. I’ve got a shoot coming up and then there are all the awards I have to be back in town for. Look, I know this is really early in our relationship, but I’d love it if you came with me, to any of them, or all of them, if you want.”

What.  just.  happened? “Award shows? Where you get photographed? You want me with you?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I’d make sure you have something to wear. I can get my people on it. I know for sure I’m doing SAG, don’t know what else I’m slated for, yet.”

“You want me with you?”

“Yes, I do. But I understand if you’re not ready for it. Think about it. It’s a month away. Oh, also, I want to get my itinerary for all the upcoming PR for my movies that I know about for the year, see when you can be there with me. I really want you there for Ultron, so hopefully you’ll be ready by then. At least for the US legs.”

“When is Ultron?” What was happening to my life?

“End of April, beginning of May? Not exactly sure of the dates.”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t be walking the carpet with you. You’d be doing interviews and stuff and that’s your job. You won’t have me by your side, but I can be there for you, if that’s what you want.”

And then it hit me: we were talking of something that was so far in the future, it was months and months away, but it also calmed and reassured me that he was thinking that far ahead. But wait, yesterday he’d talked about  _when_  we were going to have kids, not  _if_.

_Okay, okay, don’t read into anything. He probably doesn’t realize what he’s saying. Just let him spout off. We’ll deal with stuff as it comes_. That’s what was going through my mind. I didn’t want to start to panic, again. Too late.

“Chris, this is a lot for me to take in right now. I mean, you’re talking about dealing with the press, which, trust me, I know I’m gonna have to, but you’re talking about it and it’s next month. But I’m still mostly freakin’ out over meeting your family.”

“No. Freaking out’s not allowed. We’ll stop talking about that stuff.”

“Chris, all I’m trying to say is, please, just one thing at a time. These are both huge. And, seriously, yesterday? You brought up kids, like they’re gonna happen. Like for sure, gonna happen. You are just so far ahead of me right now. All I want right now is to make love to my boyfriend who I just yesterday told for the first time that I love him and now he’s asked me to meet his family and I’m freaking out over the fact that he wants me to meet his family already. Can we please just stay there for right now?”

“What, you  _want_  to freak out over that?”

“That’s a normal reaction to anyone saying, ‘come on, let’s go meet my family’. Trust me, you’ll be freaking out when I ask you to meet mine.”

“Yeah, okay. Point taken. You’re right. We’ll only deal with you meeting my family for now. Once you agree we’ll move on to press.”

“ _Once I agree_. You are hilarious.”

“Oh, I have ways of making you agree.” Here I am freaking out and he’s trying to get playful. What was up with him?

“You wouldn’t seriously coerce me, would you?”

“No, Sweetness. No coercion. Only promises.”

“What would you promise me?”

“First, my family’s gonna love you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do. I love you, they’re gonna love you. Plus, maybe, how about a white Christmas?”

“Well, that would be nice. But  _you_  can’t promise a white Christmas.”

“No, but you have a much better shot at one there. I don’t want to be apart from you again. Not for that long.”

“Yeah, that was hard. But I don’t know how much time I can take off work, especially after this week.”

“Just take off whatever you can. Any time with you is better than no time at all. Baby, I have to ask: what would you be doing for Christmas if you stayed here?”

“What I’ve done the past couple of years. Beg off going to Kristi’s. Just stay home.”

“You wouldn’t go be with your family?”

“No way.”

“No one should be alone on Christmas. Please, don’t think of it as meeting my family. Think of it as being with me. It’ll be our first holiday together. I want you to see my place in Boston. I want to decorate the tree in my place with you. Besides, I want to kiss you under the mistletoe. And I want us to lay under the tree and look up and see all the lights. Baby, I want you in Boston with me. Please?”

He was way too convincing. “Well, when you put it like that, how can I say no?”

“Really? You’ll go?”

“Hold on there. Let me think about it. I’ll tell you by the time we’re back in LA.” Shit. Tomorrow afternoon. I’d just committed to an answer by tomorrow afternoon.

“Okay, but if you happen to decide sooner, don’t feel you need to wait until we’re back. Okay?”

“I’ll tell you as soon as I’ve made a decision. Promise.”

“Now, about that other thing.”

“What other thing?”

“You know, come with me?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, which was cut short when Chris started using those fingers that were under my bottoms. And his mouth.

Several hours later the wind had changed direction and it got cold very quickly. Luckily we had wood for the fireplaces, so Chris started a fire while I made a quick dinner. We were done with all that and back in the living room in front of the fire, completely relaxed.

“Okay.”

“What was that Sweetness?”

“I said ‘okay’.”

“Okay. Okay what?”

“Okay, I’ll go to Boston for Christmas.”

“Really? You will?”

“Yes. I will. When are you going?”

“We’ll figure that out later.” He moved us around to where I was laying on top of him. Mmm, I liked this position.

“Later? What about now?”

“Sweetness, I’d like to think that now is the beginning of the rest of our lives.”

“So much cheese! Let me go get some crackers.”

“It might be, Sweetness, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I love you, Taz.”

“I love you, too, Chris.”


	28. Important Dates in the Lives of Chris and Taz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final installment for Chris and Taz. Many weeks ago, Chris and Taz each sat down with me, separately, and told me their whole story and I just had to share. While some of this may be a repeat of some elements of what has already been written, these particular dates are important to Chris and Taz. Enjoy.

**Date Chris knew he was in love: 14 Nov 2014**

Chris knew that Taz had been a match and had donated bone marrow to Kristi. That had happened a few months after the two women had met several years ago. He was grateful that Kristi had found a true friend since he didn’t really have that much time he could spend on their friendship.

Kristi had relayed their adventures through the years, including that fateful camping trip that had both of them vowing never to go camping again. Chris had laughed especially hard when Kristi relayed the adventure they’d had in Mexico, the one where Taz somehow found herself backwards on a donkey, sitting behind their guide, and hanging on for dear life. He found he was always asking what adventure they’d been on recently and wondering what it would be like to be in her company.

Kristi started talking quite a bit more about Taz when Chris mentioned to her that he was going to be moving back to LA. He knew that she was putting it into his head that they should meet. It was casually done, how she’d mention her in passing, no longer just relaying funny stories, but rather normal, everyday kind of things: something she’d said, or someplace they’d visited. It was four weeks before they met when Kristi finally told him that they needed to get set up, that she should set them up on a blind date. Chris was okay with being set up with her, although a bit apprehensive. He’d built her up so much in his mind that he was wondering if she’d ever be able to live up to her reputation. But, since she was a friend of Kristi’s, well, they’d probably at least become friends. He wasn’t going to let Kristi know, though, that he was actually interested, that he’d been interested for quite some time.

Then, she sent that first picture.

Once he finally opened the picture, he didn’t just look at it. He stared at it. For hours. She’d be the kind of woman he would be immediately attracted to, and completely intimidated by. She wore a very simple grey dress that accented her curves perfectly. And she was stunning. It took no time at all for him to start fantasizing about her.

It was on his drive home from their first date the he realized what had happened. She’d actually followed through on what she’d said she would do during the date, even when she clearly was thrilled with the Griffith Observatory. She had impressed him, and she hadn’t been trying. Plus, she was feisty, and smart, and playful, and stunning. The hairs had stood up on the back of his neck when they’d kissed.

He had a big, goofy grin on his face the whole way home. He knew he'd fallen for her, and hard.

 

**Date Taz realized she was falling in love: 30 Nov 2014**

Taz had really hoped she’d seen the last of Harrison Quill but no, she couldn’t possibly be that lucky.

She was actually terrified that he was going to do something when he barged in that Saturday night. She knew what he was capable of and she felt very isolated and vulnerable. She thought she hid it quite well.

When he started talking about making another recording, though, she knew that was his plan, why he’d come over. She was pretty sure she was going to be fighting for her life. Taz was amazed, though, that she’d been able to break free from Harrison’s hold. Maybe she’d shocked him with the slap? She was simply glad that when she opened the door, Chris was there. But she also knew, in that instant, that this would be the last of him, that he’d drop her

But she was wrong. She’d never been so happy to be wrong in her entire life.

He stuck around, helped her through her pain the next day, and helped her to see that she’d been abused, and quite severely. She was still wary, still thinking that he’d leave at any moment if she did anything wrong, and that was the real reason she didn’t elaborate about what was on that recording. Nevertheless, she started to let herself hope, let herself believe that she could be worthy of a relationship of such a good man.

When he hugged her in the middle of her kitchen, after finding out what she’d been through, or at least what she was willing to tell him, she began giving herself permission to start using the ‘L’ word.

 

**Date she met his family: 23 Dec 2014**

He’d previously told her he wouldn’t go home again without her. He was able to convince her to come with him and he kept his word. Taz still tried to get a hotel room, but Chris wouldn’t hear of it. He had his place and his Mom knew he was a grown man and had relationships and sex.

He sneaked back in town with Taz in tow and headed for his place. They had a couple of days to themselves before they were scheduled to ‘arrive’ and she would meet his family. He got his time with her, trimming the tree and laying under it. It was there that Taz filled him in on the therapist she found, telling him everything she’d told Dr. Hall and what Dr. Hall had told her. He was patient and understanding and helpful and Taz, although terrified about meeting his family, was happy she’d decided to go to Boston.

They also talked about their future, but not in the ‘we’ sense, more in the terms of what they each wanted to accomplish. They realized they were very much in alignment with what they wanted.

He was so happy when she met his family. She fit in perfectly, and everyone fell in love with her. Chris was especially grateful to his Mom. She was patient with Taz and stopped his family from ribbing her too hard. Chris had told her what had gone on with Harrison, at least to an extent. He wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ go into detail about what was on that recording. No one ever needed to know the details. The family saw something different in how Chris was with her and they all knew they were welcoming the newest member of the family.

After a few days Taz seemed to find her rhythm with the Evans clan. The key for her was Christmas. She hadn’t told Chris, but Christmas was always one of the worst days of the year when she was growing up. Her father had always made her feel inferior to Trish, her half-sister, and he took great pleasure in doing it on Christmas.

She found the perfect gift for each of his family members and when, separately, they each later told her how much her gift had meant to them, she knew she was home.

 

**Date she was first photographed with him: 8 Jan 2015**

Taz did decide to go to some of the pre-Golden Globes parties with Chris. She wasn’t concerned about being photographed with him and she wasn’t concerned with what people would say about what she wore. At least, that’s what she told Chris. She was, however, mostly concerned with what his fans would say. They figured it would be easier for her to ease into this role by not being on any red carpets with him until she’d been out to a couple of these soirees. She knew there was going to be the ‘who is that woman with Chris Evans’ game that was going to happen, and she knew she could trust Kristi not to say anything.

There were very few pictures of the two of them together. There were a couple of grainy fan photos from when they got out of a hired car, but you really couldn’t see her face. There was great furor for about a day and a half and then something happened and it all blew over. Wisely, she stayed away from all social media for several days.

 

**Date he asked her to move in with him: 14 Feb 2015**

It was their 3-month anniversary, not Valentine’s Day. That’s when Chris asked her to move in with him. He knew she’d take some time to think it over. He’d almost asked her to move in with him after their run-in with Harrison, and then again after the detectives showed up at her place. Well, he had, but it had just been temporary, until that mess was over with. It was that Monday, the day she'd gone before a judge and got the restraining order, when he saw her putting her stuff away in his dresser, in the space he'd made for her, that he knew he wanted to make space for her in his life, permanently. He came really close to asking her to move in with him then. The only problem was he hadn’t yet told her how much he loved her. He hadn’t told her and yet he already knew that he wanted much more than her moving in with him.

He also knew that asking her to move in with him would mean more to her than making it easier for them to see each other, or just living together. He knew that a yes from her meant she was wanting something more permanent with him. It was why he knew it would take her time to say yes. It was why he asked her to take time and think it over before she gave him an answer.

 

**Date she was first officially photographed with him: 22 Feb 2015**

Sure, it was only a week after he asked her to move in with him, and sure, she hadn’t yet said yes, but Taz knew what she wanted to say. She just hadn’t had that ‘thing’ that let her know it was okay to say yes, that ‘thing’ that happened that told her gut that it was right.

They’d been seen out and about town more and more but her name still wasn’t out yet. They’d also done some other awards together with her never appearing with him until they were inside. He decided to broach the subject this way: when she attended his first premier, she’d see that things were different. All eyes would be on him and anyone who was with him. At least at the Academy Awards, he’d just be one among hundreds. It made sense and she agreed. That didn’t mean that she didn’t change her mind several times each day. But in the end, she went with him.

Taz told her boss that she was going public with her relationship with Chris and it was possible that they would get questions, but she doubted it. Chris told his people that Taz was going to be joining him on the red carpet. No one knew what to expect, but they were sure that things would die down pretty quickly.

They were wrong.

The important thing was, they made it through all the shenanigans.

 

**Date she finally had her breakthrough: 11 Mar 2015**

Taz had found a good therapist, one she knew she could trust. She’d been seeing her for once a week for close to three months. They’d talked about her current relationships, and how Chris was really good at listening to her and that he was kind and thoughtful. But more than that, Chris treated her like an equal, like a partner.

Dr. Hall had tried to get her to talk about a number of things, but Taz was sure she needed to first come to terms with how she’d been treated by her father. Only then would she be able to tackle how she’d been treated by some, okay okay, most, of the boyfriends in her life, especially Harrison. Problem was, it was one thing to know things on an intellectual level, which was how she came to the sessions. It was another to know them on an emotional level.

Dr. Hall used something that had happened to a friend of hers, someone from work, as an example and, naturally, Taz had seen immediately that there was nothing wrong with her friend. When Dr. Hall connected the dots back to Taz's life, well, she had a good old-fashioned break-down and cried for the rest of the session. Chris always took her and picked her up from her sessions, assuming his schedule allowed it (and when it didn’t, he hired a car and driver – he didn’t want her dealing with driving after her sessions). This time, luckily, he was there. They went straight home, cancelling their dinner reservations. He fixed her dinner and they cuddled on the sofa under the blanket, watching Shawshank. She cried several times that night as well as many more over the course of the next couple of weeks, as what her father had done to her sunk in. With that realization, she was finally able to start healing.

 

**Date he met her family: 5 Apr 2015**

Chris was supportive of what Taz said she needed when he met her family. She hadn’t seen them since before her birthday the year before and this was the first time she was going to see them after she’d started therapy. Her father didn’t know she was in therapy, and her father also didn’t know what had happened with Harrison. When she told her family she was coming over for Easter dinner with a guest, they assumed it would be Harrison. When she showed up with Chris, her father grilled her about what she did to ‘run Harrison off’. She wouldn’t engage, she wouldn’t rise to his bait. She simply told him that it hadn’t worked out and that she’d moved on and had a new man in her life, a wonderful man. Brian didn’t recognize Chris so when he started grilling him about what he did for a living, Chris was vague, simply noting that he worked in the ‘entertainment industry’ and that he made a good living.

Trish, Taz's sister, knew exactly who he was and flirted shamelessly with him. At one point, she tried to corner and kiss him and he was able to make a graceful exit. And then they sat down to dinner. While Taz was helping in the kitchen, Trish took Taz's seat next to Chris. She kept trying to put her hand on his leg and he removed it every time. He did as Taz had asked and he didn’t rock the boat. Until her father, Brian, for no apparent reason other than to knock her down a peg or two because she was so happy, told her the only reason Chris was interested in her was because he had ‘broken her’ and she was so agreeable. She ran out of the room before she said something she regretted.

Chris stood up to her father and told him a lot of things, including that he wouldn’t be invited into their lives until he could learn proper respect.

 

**Date she agreed to move in with him: 5 Apr 2015**

There were several reasons as to why Taz took so long before agreeing to move in with Chris. First, she was an independent person used to taking care of herself. She’d started to let Chris in, and he’d helped her tremendously, but she didn’t want to lose her independence.

Second was the fact that she owned her own house. She didn’t know what to do with it: what if things didn’t work out between them? Would he trust that she was truly in the relationship if she kept her house? She didn’t know what to think.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, she knew that if she said yes, most likely they would end up getting married. Could she see herself married to Chris? Yes, she could. But would it be a happy marriage: that was the question. She knew they loved each other, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was his schedule and him being away for weeks at a time and what that would mean to them and to their relationship. She had to work through those things before she said yes. Then again, if they didn’t get along once living together, none of that would matter. They spent virtually all their time together as it was so she was sure they’d get along. She just knew that when she said yes to moving in with him, it was really yes to spending the rest of her life with him.

When they got home from Easter dinner with her family, Taz explained why her father hated her. He blamed her for being forced to marry her mother. She’d gotten pregnant with Taz while they were dating and both of their parents forced them. When her mother died in a horrific car crash and he was able to remarry, he started treating Taz terribly when his second child, Trish (Patricia) was born.

Things came to a head many years earlier between Taz and Brian because of Trish’s wedding. Brian came from a rather well-to-do family and all the grandchildren received money from his parents. It wasn’t set up as a trust fund, and Taz still, to this day, wished her Nan and Papa had known what sort of a man Brian was and had protected her inheritance, which she’d intended to use for college, from him.

Taz had taken time off between high school and college. She wanted to see the world and figure out what she really wanted to do. It took a couple of years and she was ready to start school.

During that time away, Brian squandered his money on several real estate investment deals that went south and when Trish got knocked up and had to get married, Brian raided Taz’s fund for Trish’s wedding. Taz and Brian didn’t speak for nearly five years and it was Taz, finally, who had tried to bridge the gap. She knew now just how much of a mistake that had been. But at the same time, he was her dad and she wanted a relationship with him. What kid doesn’t want a relationship with their only living parent?

Chris held her, helped her to see what was happening: that her father used her as a convenient excuse for anything that had gone 'wrong' in his life, that it wasn’t her fault and that he was shifting responsibility for his actions onto her. Taz knew, deep down, that this was true, but it was still comforting to hear it from someone else. When Chris told her some of what he’d said to her father (she’d overheard some so she knew he was downplaying to her what he'd told him), Taz knew she could put her life and her happiness in his hands. She agreed to move in.

 

**Date they moved in together: 1 Aug 2015**

It took Taz some time to figure out if she wanted to sell her house or rent it out. She was still scared, so she decided to rent. She just wasn’t sure how long their relationship would last. She wanted to be prepared for the worst case scenario. She had some minor repairs to get it up to where she wanted it to be for renting. She finally found suitable renters, a nice family, and they scheduled the date of her move.

Chris arranged for movers to come pack up and move everything. Taz thought that was most generous of him. She insisted, however, on unpacking everything. She wanted to put her stuff away in _their home_.

 

**Date he asked her to marry him: 1 Aug 2015**

Chris hadn’t exactly planned on asking Taz to marry him on the day she moved in. He was going to give it a couple of weeks, let her get settled. He’d planned on taking her back to the Griffith Observatory. Thing was, though, when they were unpacking her kitchen stuff and he realized she had the stuff he’d always put off buying, so everything of theirs fit perfectly together, he got down on one knee and proposed, then and there.

 

**Date she agreed to become his wife: 3 Aug 2015**

In her normal style, Taz took time to think it through. She had absolutely no doubt that she loved him, nor that he loved her. And she had absolutely no doubt he would protect her.

She still doubted her ability to be in a long-term relationship with someone who would be gone for long periods of time. Would he be able to try to make things work, or would he always acquiesce to what she wanted simply because he wasn’t around? Or expecting that she’d give in to whatever he wanted when he was finally home. She didn’t want either of them to end up resenting the other. That was no way to live.

It wasn’t until after they had their first fight while living together that she knew everything would work. She’d wanted to invite her parents over for dinner. Chris wouldn’t allow her father in their home. He hadn’t told her _that_ part of what he’d said to Brian over Easter dinner. They went off to their separate corners and stewed a bit before Chris proposed a compromise: they wouldn’t be invited to dinner in their home (even before she’d moved in he was calling it their home), but rather out to a nice dinner in a restaurant, and he told her why.

It was Chris telling her why. That’s when she knew that even when he was unwavering about something, Chris would always try to find a way to compromise and make them work. When that realization hit, she took him by the hand, led him into their living room and sat him on the sofa where she reiterated to him all the reasons that she loved him and that yes, she would marry him.

He followed through on his plan, though, to take her to the Observatory and propose there. He’d had a ring picked out since a couple of weeks after he’d asked her to move in with him and was finally able to put it on her finger.

 

**Date Engagement leaked: 16 Sep 2015**

Not so much a leak as a confirmation, Taz accompanied Chris to TIFF and it was there that her ring was spotted, the question asked, and the engagement confirmed. She’d been spotted one day about town a few weeks earlier with her ring on and running errands, but no photographs were taken. She’d been trying to keep it quiet. They’d been able to keep it quiet for almost a whole month, which was generally unheard of.

Neither of them had wanted to make an announcement, and neither of them had wanted to keep things hidden, but the fallout of family or friends finding out because of some reporter calling them or reading about it in a newspaper or blog, and not having been told personally, was something they really wanted to avoid.

It became the #1 media story to come out of TIFF and Taz felt it necessary to writing an apology letter to the organizers. She hated that her life was overshadowing all the work that everyone had put in on all the films that were there.

 

**Date they got married: 2 Sep 2017**

After their very long, very drawn out discussion of where the wedding would be held (I really want Boston, Sweetness), and after Taz was finally able to get Chris to see that with Boston, she wouldn’t be able to have _her_ wedding (they were all well-meaning, but his family and friends really thought they had a say so for their wedding 'and by the way, Chris, since I'm the one paying for the wedding I want it to be what _we_ want, not what someone else thinks would be cool or fun or nice to have'), she proposed a compromise and it was one that he could absolutely live with.

Then they kept trying to schedule their wedding and his roles kept getting in the way and Chris was being no help when he said, every time the topic came up, that they could just elope ‘this weekend, let’s just go away and do it. I want to be married already’, like that would satisfy everyone else in their lives. Finally, after quite the argument, that spanned several days, and that, at one point, had Taz so stressed that she got a migraine (only the fourth time Chris had seen one), Chris called his agent and told him, after 3 failed attempts at scheduling a date, that September 2nd the following year was their day and that he needed to stop showing any roles to him that would take him away from the beginning of August through the end of October of that year. Taz called back after he hung up to add that any contracts between now and the time of their wedding would have these dates blacked out as working dates, whether for principal photography, re-shoots, pick-ups, ADR, or promotion (Chris was surprised she knew about all those things). Chris ended up losing out on a role that he really wanted, but he stuck to their agreement. Their wedding, and Taz's happiness, were far more important. He never let Taz know about that lost role.

They had a small wedding, only 100 people, at the house in Santa Barbara where they’d first told each other ‘I love you’. It was all family, either by blood or choice, who were in attendance. They’d arranged to have two receptions, first in Boston (a couple weeks after they got back from their three week honeymoon, one week in the Seychelles and two in Tuscany) for all his friends and family and then one later in LA for friends, family, and industry, which also doubled as their holiday party.

They’d had long discussions about what Brian’s (her dad) role would be at the wedding. Chris gave in to her wish to have her father there and take part but only because he’d already had a conversation with Brian. Brian had found out about the engagement and called Chris, upset that he hadn’t been asked permission. Chris arranged to meet him the following day.

Brian came away from that conversation with Chris in a daze. Chris had made some very pointed threats that Brian took seriously, considering Chris backed them up. He also told him that he’d given up the right to be consulted about anything or ever be called father or dad the moment he made Taz feel inferior. Chris told him that Brian would only ever be kind and polite with Taz and that he would be spared having to spend any real time with her, as Chris would make sure that she never wanted for anything. He didn’t know what, if anything, she’d be asking for in terms of her wedding, but any request was to be carried out exactly the way she wanted. Brian agreed.

A few days later he had a conversation with Trish when he found out that she was giving Taz a hard time about choosing Kristi to be her matron of honor (Kristi and Frank were married a couple months earlier). Trish made several passes at him and Chris lost his usual cool. Trish learned that day to leave Kristi alone or her life would take a very serious turn, and not in a good way.

Taz never found out about those conversations.

They already knew their venue, so they knew they could have exactly what they wanted. Chris had a few things he wanted to make sure happened. He wanted Taz in white. He wanted to wear black tie. He wanted the colors to be understated – he wanted his beautiful bride to stand out. He wanted a sit down meal. And he wanted the wedding during the day. She asked him how he felt about wedding pie instead of wedding cake. He got a kick out of that so he agreed.

Their wedding was perfect.

Absolutely everything went off without a hitch. Well, almost. Chris was so overcome when he saw Taz in her wedding dress that he came down the aisle, took her hand from her father, and hugged her. They hugged for several minutes, during which time they had a conversation. Well, less a conversation and more of a game of one-upmanship of ‘I love you’ ‘no I love you’ 'no I love you more’. He picked her up and carried her to the Justice of the Peace where they exchanged their vows. It was a very emotional day for both of them and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, not even Brian.

Once the ceremony was over they headed inside for some alone time. Chris hadn’t seen her for most of the week and they hadn’t made love since their vacation away at the beginning of August, at first because of how busy and exhausted they both were and then, realizing the wedding was so close, by design. With the expansive windows, they couldn’t do anything about that. And, frankly, they knew if they started they’d never make their own reception. But it didn’t mean they couldn’t simply take some time amidst all the chaos of the day and connect.

Taz touched up her makeup and then they called in the photographer. While there were some of the standard shots taken, the photographer preferred candids, and especially with the way they were looking at each other and with the way they were in each other’s space. With the exception of hugs and when they were eating (and that was for only a short period of time since Chris pulled Taz onto his lap after only a few minutes apart), they had their hands on each other for the entire day.

The caterers kept the food and booze flowing and everyone had a grand time. There were several traditions that were purposefully skipped: the father-daughter dance, the cutting of the cake (since there was no cake), the tossing of the bouquet and garter. Taz never liked those so they weren’t done.

All the guests left and the caterers had everything cleaned up and out of there by 5 p.m. Chris’s immediate family and Kristi and Frank stuck around for a little extra time with the newlyweds. All the guests were gathering at The Four Seasons the next morning for their Sunday Brunch, but for now, Chris and Taz wanted just their families with them for a little while longer. The day had been about everyone in attendance and they really just wanted time with those they loved the most. Taz tried to use the time to get some last minute details nailed down for the reception in Boston, but Chris wouldn’t have it. She wanted it to be perfect since she knew his friends were a bit miffed at the limited invite, but there was no way they could have done it any other way.

They hadn’t yet changed out of their wedding attire and everyone kept prompting them to go get comfortable. They knew this would happen, but had previously agreed that they would undress each other so they simply kept declining. Kristi was the first to figure it out and started shushing everyone who asked when they were going to go change.

At 7:00 p.m. they said goodbye to their last guest.

The honeymoon started at 7:01

 

**Date first child was born: 26 Jul 2019**

About a month before their wedding, Chris and Taz went away for a long weekend. He saw that she was starting to get stressed out and wanted her to relax. One of the things that she was concerned about was that they hadn’t yet talked about having kids. She broached the subject while they were in La Jolla.

They had a long conversation. Taz told him her fears about being, for all intents and purposes, a single parent given his job and how frequently he was out of town. Also, she didn’t want to be the sole disciplinarian. She needed Chris to take on an active role with that.

The part that she couldn’t voice was that she was concerned that she wouldn’t be a good mother, since she’d had such lousy role models.

Chris reassured her that they would work everything out. He told her it was up to her, after they had kids, as to whether or not she wanted to work since he made plenty for their family. And either way, whether or not she worked outside the home, if she wanted some help around, he had no issue with that and he never would. He wanted her to be happy and comfortable and doing whatever she wanted to do.

As to discipline, Chris understood. He knew that no matter how good the kids were, they’d still need discipline. And they wholeheartedly agreed: they would always back each other up, they would never disagree in front of the kids with a decision that either of them had made.

Chris then opened up and talked about how much he knew he would miss his family any time he was away. He knew he wanted them to come be with him on set. He really hoped they could make that happen.

Regardless of what she decided, Chris thought about possibly taking the first six months and not working but rather, being with his new family. Because he wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible, depending on when everything would happen, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to get Taz's hopes up if he couldn’t commit to it.

They’d started trying to get pregnant Easter weekend 2018. This was the first time she approached him about something in their lives, and it was something she wanted very much. She’d finally made her decision. Maybe. She was pretty sure that she wanted to stay home and raise their kids, but she reserved the right to change her mind.

They were both very happy that condoms were no longer necessary.

With each passing month they were getting a bit more concerned. They knew it could take some time, but weren’t expecting it to take six months.

When they approached Father’s Day, she got several cards just in case. She’d decided that was how she wanted to tell Chris. It just took a few extra months. She couldn’t figure out which one she liked best, so she gave all of them to him.

Luckily for Taz, the pregnancy was relatively easy. While her labor started just fine, no complications, it did not stay that way. Complications set in late in the delivery. They never discussed with anyone except immediate family that anything had gone wrong, only that Taz wasn’t going to have any more children. With the exception of Chris’s mother and Kristi, both of whom were there for the delivery, no one ever found out just how close to dying Taz had actually come. Chris couldn’t talk about it without completely breaking down.

Chris sent out the following tweet the evening of 27 July 2019:

Healthy baby girl Rebecca Christianne Evans born @5:19 am 26 July 6lbs 9oz 19 inches family doing well

He had been able to schedule all his work around the birth of his daughter so Chris was able to take the time and be with his new family. After those six months, he had a newfound appreciation for parents, especially those who didn’t have help or the means to take the time necessary to make sure everything was okay.

 

**Date second child was born: 24 Oct 2022**

While she was still in the hospital recovering from the birth of their daughter, Taz tried to convince Chris to let her carry their second child. She hadn't even consulted with doctors as to whether or not it was possible. Chris vetoed the idea. There was no way he was going to have even the remote possibility of having _that_ happen again. She wasn’t happy with him putting his foot down in that way. It was Kristi who clued her in to why he was adamant. He’d hid his fears from her, as in _completely hid them_ , and she was more than a little upset with him over that, but she understood.

When it came time and they wanted to have their second, they found a surrogate to carry their child. She was a wonderful woman and they were able to keep her name out of the press because they didn’t talk about what was going on. All agreed it was for the best.

They waited several weeks to make the announcement. Family knew, of course, and so did a few close friends.

Chris sent out the following tweet the day after Thanksgiving, 25 November 2022

Healthy baby boy Jameson Anastasio Evans, born @11:53 pm 24 October 8lbs 2oz 20 inches family doing well


	29. Notes for readers

  

I was going through stuff and found these, the cards that Taz gave to Chris to let him know when she was pregnant. Thought you might like to see them. The last one’s my favorite.


	30. Wedding inspiration

alexandrite engagement ring

Kristi's dress

let them eat wedding pie (not cake)

her bouquet

the venue

Taz's dress


	31. Cut the Ties - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is almost 20 years after Chris and Taz were set up by Kristi, and we find out that life isn’t always what we expect it to be.

_Wednesday_

Taz had just dropped Rebel (as Rebecca had been christened by her baby brother almost a decade earlier) off at practice when her phone rang. Barb was the third of her friends to call since lunchtime. She knew something was up, that there was some new rumor going around about Chris and they were all just calling to, ostensibly, check in on her, but more likely to be the person who would be the shoulder upon which she chose to unload her burden. Taz had learned long ago: there were at least two rumors from each shoot and they were never true. Well, almost never. There was that one time, but a quick visit to the set and she counseled Chris on how he was being perceived and what the rumors were that were getting back to her and he quickly changed course. After that, she’d gone to Kristi who set everyone straight in their tight-knit circle: if Taz ever needed to find out about anything that was going on, Kristi would be the one to tell her. It had worked, too. She stopped getting tons of calls about every little rumor.

Today, though, was different. Today it had been Karen and then Angie and then Barb, all in the span of about an hour. They were not the type to panic.

Five minutes after she got Barb off the phone, Kristi called. Luckily, Taz was just walking in the front door of her home so she could take the call in peace and quiet.

“How are you doing, Taz?”

“Why don’t you tell me.”

“Has anyone contacted you?”

“Who do you mean by anyone?”

“Okay, so how many people have called you?”

“Three. I just got off the phone with Barb and before that it was Angie and before her, Karen. What’s up? Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah.”

It was something about the way she said it. The herding of cats that had been going on in her mind disappeared as she settled on one thought. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She didn’t want the tears that had decided, with no evidence, to spring forth. She didn’t want the anger welling up inside to cloud her judgment, either.

“So, how bad is it? Is it rumor or fact?”

“It’s rumor that’s looking more and more like there might be something behind the story. It’s some highly suggestive photos. I don’t think anything  _too_  bad has happened, I mean, you know how much of a flirt he is.”

“And yet, you called.” Taz thought for a moment; she did not like the words that were about to come out of her mouth. “Is it time for me to fly out? Do a surprise visit? It worked the last time, got him to stop flirting so much.”

“I might have a better idea, if you’re game.”

Kristi only had two kinds of ideas. They were either brilliant or complete and utter disasters.

“Do I want to hear the idea?”

“Yeah, yeah you do.”

Kristi proceeded to fill her in on her idea. Taz wasn’t sure of the drastic measures that Kristi was proposing. It wasn’t like her to do something backhanded like this.

Taz said she’d think about it, think about being that sneaky and backhanded against the love of her life. Kristi recommended she check out a couple of websites and sent the links to her. When she hung up she went online.

Kristi got a call five minutes later. If she hadn’t seen the caller ID she never would have known it was Taz on the line. She’d never heard her so emotionless.

“I’m in.”

* * *

The following night, Thursday, Taz answered the door to find Jeremy standing in the doorway. The slow grin to grace his face gave her some much needed confidence.

“Taz, you are stunning.”

“Don’t sound so surprised, Jeremy.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek as she stepped out the front door, instructions already given to the part-time nanny. “I know how to clean up, even if I don’t have much of an occasion to do it nowadays.”

“I’m not surprised at all, I just wasn’t expecting it. Are you sure about this?”

She looked up at Jeremy when he opened the car door for her. She hated the tears that were forming. She’d been able to keep them at bay since seeing the images that had enraged her, but now, with someone else near, who knew what was going on and was willing to help her out, that niceness almost,  _almost_  released her sorrow.

“Actually, no. I’m not.”

“Then we shouldn’t do this. We could head back inside, talk.”

“No, please no. It just, you know, sorta feels like I’m trying to get revenge, and that’s not what this is.”

“It’s not?”

“No. I mean, really, it’s not. I don’t know where I stand with him. I don’t know how much further he’s gone than what I’ve seen, I don’t know if he cares or still loves me, that’s what this is: to find out. I can’t help but feel like a vindictive bitch, though.”

“For the record, you are not a vindictive bitch. Chris is a fucking idiot. Trust me, were he in town I’d be the one setting him straight.”

Taz took the time that he walked around the car to compose herself. She felt a bit more in control by the time he was seated.

“Thanks, Jeremy.”

“You know what I will do? I’ll be your friend tonight. We’ll go out, have a good meal, great conversation, we’ll forget all the shit that Chris is doing and at the end of the night maybe you’ll feel better. We won’t try to fake everyone out and hopefully, sometime during the next several days, you’ll have your answer.”

“Okay, that sounds good. You’re a real friend.”

* * *

_IS CAP LOSING HIS DANCE PARTNER?_

_For weeks, rumors have been flying around his set about the director and his leading lady and now it looks like those rumors about a marriage on the rocks are true._

_Anastazia Evans, wife of Oscar nominated Director Chris Evans, was seen last night at a romantic restaurant, canoodling with another famous Avenger, Jeremy Renner. Is she trading in a nomination for a winner?_

* * *

Friday, late morning, Taz was sitting outside with her children, enjoying the warm day by the pool. Her phone on silent, she let all of Chris’s calls go to voice mail. Once it was full and wouldn’t accept any more messages, Chris began firing off text message after text message. She had composed an email earlier that morning and it was his seventh text,  _God damn it woman, respond or I_ _’m calling the cops, you’re starting to worry me_ , that she sent the message. It had links to all the articles and granted, they were all tabloids, but the photos were undeniable.

Surely there was a rational explanation.

Then again, she couldn’t think of any. Taz knew she deserved this conversation to be face to face, that was the main reason she hadn’t answered any of his calls, no matter how much she’d wanted to.

Chris’s texts ceased and it was radio silence. Taz wanted to pick up the phone and scream, but it was his turn, and he wasn’t taking it.

When she hadn’t heard from him by the time she went to bed, she didn’t know what to think other than it was over. She knew her life was never going to be the same.

>< 

Early the following morning, Taz was woken by a series of phone calls from Chris. Although she had her phone set to DND, multiple calls from the same number in a short span were allowed through. When she saw who it was, though, she didn’t pick up.  _How dare he wake me at - ugh, 2:17, seriously?!_  Rather than let the phone continue to ring, she sent the calls to voice mail, which was still full - she hadn’t been able to make herself delete all his messages without listening to them. As tempted as she was now, she still couldn’t bring herself to do that.

Another call came through that she sent to voice mail almost immediately and then he started texting:

 _Please pick up the phone_  
_I know you’re awake_  
 _Let me know you’re awake_  
 _I’m outside and want to come in, but I don’t want to scare you. Please let me know you’re awake._

That was a surprise. He’d flown home in the middle of production?  _Well, at least he knows he should end our marriage in person, and not over the phone._

She let him stew for another 30 seconds before responding.

 _I_ _’m awake._

She heard the alarm beep a few times before it was silenced. His footsteps on the stairs had her heart racing as she sat up in bed. Previously, her response would have been because she was excited to see him. Not so, this time. She didn’t look up when the door opened. She didn’t want to see the man who was going to break her soul.

Chris didn’t enter the room and Taz didn’t look up. They were each waiting for the other to make the first move. After an uncomfortable amount of silence, Taz decided that she’d start.

“Before you get to say a single word, I have rules and you will follow them. You will tell me the truth and you will tell me the entire truth. If you don’t, and I find out later that you didn’t, that will do more damage to our relationship than any words that come out of your mouth right now, unless, of course, the words to come out of your mouth are that you are in love with someone else and want a divorce.”

“No. I’m not-”

“Stop. I’m not done.”

Chris had entered the room and was now at the foot of their bed. Taz still couldn’t look at him.

“I am not going to have this conversation tonight and there is no way in hell we are having this conversation with the kids in the house. I will not let them overhear this. They do not need to know what is going on.”

“I completely agree.”

“I have had very little sleep since Wednesday and if we’re going to have a coherent conversation, I need to be ready for it.”

Chris started to undress. That was when Taz finally looked at him.

“Are you sleeping in here?”

“Of course I am.”

She heard  _why on earth wouldn_ _’t I sleep in my own bed_  in his answer. Taz got out of bed and Chris caught a glimpse of her Cap t-shirt, the one she preferred to wear when he was away.  _With all that_ _’s going on, she still chose to wear that -_ it was the gut punch he hadn’t seen coming. She donned a robe and grabbed her pillow.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“You’re sleeping in here, I’m going to sleep in the guest room.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sleeping in the same bed with you, but I’m not going to kick you out of bed. I’m sure you’re exhausted. You want to sleep here, fine. I’ll take the guest room.” She turned on her heel and walked out before Chris had a chance to say a word.

They’d had fights before, and they’d had some doozies - like the time Taz had torn that reporter to shreds over getting pictures of their kids without her approval. She’d done it on live TV and had used language that she shouldn’t have. Thing is, though, they’d never slept apart when they were in the same place.

It was worse than Chris had realized.

Chris got only fitful sleep that night, tossing and turning and wanting to go find Taz, to curl around his wife, his security blanket, and know all was going to be right with the world. Instead, he got five minutes here, 15 minutes there, and was outside seated by the pool when the sun came up, trying to shake the visions that had been haunting his thoughts, afraid he was going to hear the words that he dreaded more than anything.

The house started to come alive when Rebel and Jim came down for breakfast. Chris scrubbed at his face before he headed in. He felt infinitely better when he was almost tackled to the ground by his kids. He could have sworn that Jim had grown by half a foot, and Rebel, well, she was doing her name proud with the purple and pink highlights in her hair. He told her he preferred that to the green.

“That was just for Christmas, Dad. I’ve been purple since January.”

Rebel missed his wince. It was his second gut punch since getting home only hours ago.

“Well I, for one, love the summer pink.”

Chris whipped his head around when he heard his wife. He was not pleased when he saw the pain etched on her face. She had her ice bag in hand on her way to the freezer.

“Mommy, do you have another headache? Do you want me to give you a head massage?”

“I’d love that, Jimbo, but you need to get ready for Aunt Kristi. She’s going to be here soon.”

“Mom, Dad’s here. You didn’t tell us Dad was coming home.”

She turned to her daughter and smiled as she caressed her head.

“I know Dad’s here, Reb. It was a surprise. Your Dad and I need some alone time. You’ll see him later, promise.” She turned back to the freezer, missing the look that Rebel gave her.

Chris didn’t. He realized that his daughter knew something was wrong.

Taz finished filling the bag with ice and grabbed her medication. As she turned to walk out of the room, Rebel stopped her.

“Mom, this is the fifth headache since July 4th.”

“I know, baby, I’m going in to the doctor this week. I’m sure it’s just,” Chris wasn’t sure if Taz was searching for a word or miming what was about to come out of her mouth, her hand and fingers flapping around. “Stuff, nothing for you to worry about.”

It was significantly worse than Chris had realized.

He took care of the kids until Aunt Kristi stopped by. They weren’t happy to be leaving, but Chris insisted that they keep their plans. Rebel clung to him and Jimbo had uncharacteristic tears when when it was time for them to leave. They knew, somehow they knew. Kristi didn’t give Chris the hug he’d been getting from her for over 30 years.

That was when he confirmed just how much trouble his marriage was in.

With the house quiet, Chris headed upstairs to check on Taz. He found her in the guest bedroom, lying in bed with her head on the ice. He walked around, sat next to her and saw the tear-stained pillow.

“Chris, please, just give me half an hour. The medication is already working. Can you just do that for me?”

“Whatever you need, Taz.”

She wanted to tell him that all she needed was him. For him to lay in bed with her all day, for them to laugh and joke and make love like they used to.

“Thanks.”

The tears continued to fall after he left.


	32. Cut the Ties - Part 2

Chris had decided to give Taz a bit more time than the half an hour she’d requested. He cleaned up after the kids, getting all the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher. He took care of some of the other household chores that were easy enough to do and would occupy his hands, leaving his mind free to go over everything that was pestering him. Plus, he knew it wouldn’t hurt to help Taz out and put in some time on keeping their home neat and tidy.

After about an hour and a half he headed up to check on her, see how she was feeling. He found her up and getting situated on the sofa in their bedroom. She didn’t lay down, instead propping up pillows and leaning into the corner. He saw that she had her favorite throw over her lap, the fringe woven between her fingers. It was the one they’d brought back from their trip to Peru for their tenth anniversary. It was one of their happiest times together.

_Another gut punch._

He went to the mini-fridge in their walk-in closet and poured some water for both of them. He knew Taz needed to stay well hydrated when she’d had a headache.

He set the glasses down on the table and sat. All he wanted was to pick Taz up, cradle her in his arms, and take all her pain away. He hoped she’d let him do that again.

“How’s your head?”

“Better. Thanks.” She sounded like she was miles away instead of within arm’s reach.

“Good.”

He paused before he started. He didn’t want to do this.

“Look, I don’t know who has told you what, or what you’ve read or seen, well, that’s not-”

“I didn’t read any of the words of those rags. All I had to do was see the pictures.”

 _Another gut punch._  He heard the hurt and anger and sorrow in her words. Chris knew he was going to come away with bruises that no one could see. Unfortunately, his instincts kicked in and he went on the offensive.

“I think the question is what were you doing with Jeremy?”

Taz thought her head was going to explode.

“I think the real question is: what’s more important to you? Your films or your family? I would have sworn it was your family, but you’ve been proving me wrong lately.”

“My family has always been more important, you know that.”

“Has it?”

“Of course it has.”

Taz studied him for a moment. He looked battered, like he’d been in a fight. Then it dawned on her: he finally looked his age. His hair had far more gray, as did his beard. In fact, both his beard and his skin looked dry and she could see the crow’s feet really forming, and he didn’t just have bags, he had luggage.  _Even this run down he can still take my breath away._

And then another thought crossed her mind -  _I need to stop treating him like he_ _’s ‘special’. He needs to see that his actions have consequences._  She decided it was time to go on the offensive.

“When was the last time we spent time together as a family, you know, like, when did we last take a family vacation? And Boston doesn’t count.” She could see that Chris was thinking. Good. “When was the last time you were home,” she paused, waiting for him to look like he was going to say something before continuing,”  _and_  had a one on one conversation with either of your kids?” She saw a glimmer of realization and felt about half an ounce better. “Where were you for Rebel’s birthday?” Taz felt good for all of two seconds when Chris broke eye contact. She didn’t like doing this to him, but at the same time she couldn’t keep her bitter tone at bay. She wound up and let her rip. “For that matter, when was the last time you went to a swim meet?”

She was happy to see the confusion on his face. She didn’t like doing this, but she wanted to drive her point home. She didn’t want to linger. She just wanted this done.

“Jim’s in soccer.”

“Rebel’s the swimmer.”

_Another gut punch._

“Since when?”

“She’s getting ready for her  _second_  year, and she’s really good so I have her with a private coach. He wishes he’d had her a couple of years ago, but he thinks she’s got real potential. He wants her to try for water polo.”

_And another._

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“When was the last time you joined us at the dinner table?”

Only those who really knew her would’ve known from her quiet tone that she was on the road to being furious.

“You know I hate it when I have to miss a meal with you guys, but work’s been crazy lately.”

“ _Lately?_  Really.”

Now it was Chris’s turn for his frustration to emerge.

“You know what it’s like when I get a project, how much there is to do to prepare. It gets crazy the few weeks before we start shooting.”

She carefully weighed her options. While she wanted to address what he’d just said, she had one more point to make and was quickly losing steam: she didn’t want to bring it up. This was the part that hurt her the most. She couldn’t help the tears as they welled up. She tried blinking them away, but quickly found it to be a lost cause as they spilled down her burning cheeks.

“When was the last time you made love to your wife?”

It gave her a sense of satisfaction when he physically recoiled from that one.

“Come on. It was right before I left. I can’t do anything when I’m not here.”

Chris saw the disappointment on her face before she turned away. He couldn’t understand her mumbled response.

“I couldn’t hear that.”

He withstood the glare she aimed at him.

“I said that was just sex. I was clearly an obligation you felt you had, all you did was go through the motions. That was most definitely  _not_  making love and you damn well know it.”

_Another gut punch._

Cracks were starting to show in the damn.

“Clearly I’ve fallen out of favor with you. Clearly,  _she_  has something I don’t. What, you going to be a typical guy and trade me in for a younger model? Too many miles, too many gray hairs, too many wrinkles for you?” She hated that she was reduced to tears. But she also knew he hated to see her cry. She was tired of hiding this from him.

“No! God, no. Not at all.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“Then tell me: why did you hold  _her_  hand?”

 _Another gut punch._  Silence. Chris wouldn’t, or couldn’t, speak.

“Why did you hold  _her_?”

 _Another gut punch._  Even more uncomfortable silence.

“Why did you have to make it so I couldn’t miss the fact that you’d  _kissed_  her?”

He’d been prepared for that one.

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“That’s fucking bullshit and you know it. That was not just a peck on the cheek. That was a full body embrace. It was lips lingering, your hand on the back of her head, holding her close, holding her so that she couldn’t move away. You look at me and tell me that didn’t mean something.”

 _Another gut punch_. Chris couldn’t answer.

“You used to kiss  _me_  like that, and it  _means something_. It means  _everything_.”

 _Another gut punch_.

Funny thing when someone’s down. They either stay down or the come out swinging.

“So, Chris, what made you come home?”

“You went out with Jeremy?”

Taz heard the accusation in his question.

“Yes.”

He was shocked at her answer.

“You went out with Jeremy.”

“Yes, I did.”

“You’re not denying that you went out on a date with him?”

“I am not denying that I went out to  _dinner_  with Jeremy. I will deny that it was a date, because it wasn’t. It wasn’t anywhere close to romantic. It was two friends sharing a meal and one consoling the other and trying to get her mind onto fun topics because her husband is  _cheating_  on her. I will deny that we kissed, because we didn’t. Well, wait.”

That got Chris to sit at attention.

“I did kiss him hello on the cheek, like I do with all my friends. There was absolutely no canoodling going on, no matter what that article said. I will deny that we held hands, because we didn’t. I will not deny that it felt nice to be paid attention to as a person for a change, and not treated as just some house keeper, or a nanny to your kids, or as a chauffeur or as your assistant. Jeremy knew exactly what I was doing, and why, and he was more than happy to help. He told me that he hoped it worked, that it would slap you across your face and wake you up, that you’d see that I have options, too, and that I don’t entertain them.”

“What do you mean, options?”

“You are so clueless. You have no idea how many of your so called friends, or your acquaintances or business partners or industry whatever they are, have asked me out over the years, and I’ve said no to every single one of them, without hesitation, but being forced to always be gracious because lord knows, I’d never let it be said that I caused a problem for your career.”

“Seriously?”

“Do you need names in order to believe me? Are you sure you want that?”

That made him sit up even straighter.

“How many names would it take, Chris?”

Taz started to get some measure of satisfaction when she saw that he was starting to believe her.

“What do you mean?”

“How many would it take for you to see that I not only have options, but that I’ve stayed very loyal to you. Do you want to know how many other men have found me attractive or intriguing or, what was it he said, captivating, that they’d make a pass at a married woman?”

“Who called you captivating?”

“The last one to ask me out.”

“Give me a name!”

 _All you_ _’re doing is driving the point home. Just drive the point home._

“Do you want me to list them alphabetically? How about the oldest, or would you prefer the youngest? Most awards? How about the four who have made it known on more than one occasion? Maybe the first one, from before we were married? Or maybe you’d prefer the last one, and he was right before summer. I see that look. Kristi and I were chatting about it, on the 4th, and I got curious, started putting them all in a spreadsheet, so I’ve got all that information on 43 of them. I actually can’t remember them all. There were a couple of times I’d had too much to drink and I don’t remember who it was who hit on me. Oh, wait, Jeremy’s not on there. But you know what? I don’t think he counts since he didn’t actually ask out a married woman. He did tell me to give him a call, but only if this didn’t work.”

“He said that?”

“He told me he always thought you were a lucky SOB and that you didn’t deserve me, and that you were proving him right.”

“Are you trying to make me feel bad?”

“Why? Because I’ve said no, with no hesitation, to every single one of them, because I am deeply in love with my husband, even if he’s fallen out of love with me?” Her voice cracked and her throat hurt as she spoke, louder and louder, finally yelling through her tears. “Didn’t have the decency to come to me, to ask to be let out of our marriage and instead, let the whole world see that he doesn’t love me anymore? You made a mockery of me, of our family, of the life we’ve built together.”

Chris tried to capture her hand in his, but she yanked it away.

“I haven’t fallen out of love with you, Taz.”

“Doesn’t matter how you try to dress it up, bullshit still tastes like bullshit.”

Chris had no idea how to convince her she was wrong.


	33. Cut the Ties - Part 3

“You doubt my love for you?”

“Are you kidding me?! You kissed another woman!”

Chris knew he was wrong, but he couldn’t help himself. Taz had been poking and slapping at him, if only metaphorically.

“You haven’t been there for me!”

She became still. There was not a sound in the room until she whispered.

“What did you just say?”

He could either retreat to safe space or press forward.

“You haven’t been there for me.” He’d chosen the latter, and made it worse when he leveled the accusation at her. He knew it the moment the words left his lips.

“Get the fuck out of here.”

“What the hell?”

“I haven’t been there for you? You are fucking delusional. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.”

While Taz exaggerated their voices, she did a decent imitation of Chris and his mannerisms.

     “Chris, I’ve made reservations-   
_Sorry, babe, I_ _’ve got a late meeting._

     Chris, I made your favorite and the kids are over at Kristie’s.   
_I_ _’ve got to work on the script._

     I kept your dinner warm for you.   
_I had a PowerBar, I’m not hungry._

     <Knock knock knock> Chris, I’ve-   
_I need you not to interrupt me when I_ _’ve got the door closed.”_

“Do you know that you are in your office all the time? And every time you’re in that office, the door’s closed? Do you realize that?”

She took time to let that sink in.

      “Chris, I’ve been thinking that maybe we could join you on location-  
_No, I won_ _’t have time for you.”_

“So, tell me Chris, you couldn’t, or really wouldn’t, make time for your family, but you’d make time to fuck another woman?”

“I haven’t had sex with Emily!”

“Don’t you dare play me or think that I’m stupid. The  _only_  time you  _ever_  kiss like that is when you have  _sex_  on your mind.” Tears fell faster down her face as her jaw trembled. “You used to kiss me like that all the time, and you wanted to make love to me  _all the time_. You know when you stopped kissing me like that? About the time that you stopped wanting to make love to me, ‘cause trust me, I noticed.”

She started wiping at the tears and stopped. She let them fall. She’d earned the right to grieve.

“Taz, I took what you said last night, this morning really, to heart. I’m not lying. I’m not omitting. I have not had sex with her. I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t thought about it, because I have. But I haven’t had sex. The absolute worst I’ve done is kiss her. And that was a huge mistake. I knew it was bad and then I saw that picture of you and Renner at dinner. I’ve never felt so ill in my entire life. I knew I’d completely fucked it all up.”

“So, it wasn’t until after you saw me with someone else that you knew you’d fucked everything up?”

“No! No, I knew before that, it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes after that picture was taken. I guess they chose not to run those photos. I told her I wasn’t taking it any further with her. I told her no more. I told her I’d never sleep with her. I told her that I love you and that I’d never leave you for her.”

Taz knew that if she stared at him for long enough and he was lying to her, he’d have to look away. It was how she’d learned that he’d been the one to plan the bachelor party for Renner’s second marriage that had leaked to the press. In that case, whatever happened in Vegas most definitely didn’t stay in Vegas. That time he’d lasted the longest ever under her glare, and it was five seconds.

After more than a minute under her scrutiny she knew he was telling the truth.

“I never thought I’d feel so betrayed by a kiss, and it hurts to hear you say that you thought about sex with her, but I believe you, that you didn’t.”

Chris had never been so relieved.

“So, then, well, we still have lots to talk about, but we’re gonna be good, right?”

_How could he think that_ _’s all there is?_

“Chris, betrayal comes in other forms, too. In fact, it can be even worse. Did you talk about our marriage, or our relationship with her? Have you confided in her? About us?”

Taz became furious when she was greeted with silence.

“No, you don’t get to make me twist in the wind on that one. You ans-

“No.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“I’m not lying.”

“Why did you hesitate?”

“Because I was trying to figure out if I had. I know she asked plenty of times, but I never answered her.”

“She  _asked_  about our relationship? Why? Did you ever complain about me to her?”

“No! Never. I can’t lie to you and say it never came up, but I never brought it up to her and any time she asked, I changed the subject. Look, I want you to know, I didn’t pursue her. She pursued me. It was just harmless at first. She told me she’d had a crush on me since she was a teenager, because of Captain America.”

“Yeah, sure she did. And all that did was reinforce for you that she’s so much younger than I am, probably doesn't have to cover up the gray in her hair, has nice, firm skin, and tits that don’t sag.”

“Don’t talk like that. You have always been the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“Stop it.”

“Why? It’s the truth.”

“So, what, were you bored with me?”

“No!”

“You claim to still love me, so what the fuck did I do that drove you away? Why did you kiss her!”

“I thought you’d fallen out of love with me.”

“Why on earth did you think that?”

“You didn’t get excited about this project, like you had in the past. You didn’t talk to me about what I was working on. You just, stopped.”

“Excuse me?”

“You stopped showing an interest in what I do. You stopped giving me insights that are so valuable, you have no idea how valuable your thoughts are. And you just stopped.”

She spoke out loud, more to herself, still processing what she’d just heard.

“So, because I didn’t show an interest in your  _work_ , that’s what told you I didn’t love  _you_?”

“Your input has been, I don’t know, less and less and then with this one, it stopped.”

“Do you not remember the conversation we had when you told me about this project?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you not remember it?”

“I remember that you weren’t excited.”

“Do you remember  _why_  I wasn’t excited?”

“No.”

“Oh my fucking God. You tuned me out. When did we talk about you not tuning me out!”

“What, about a year ago?”

“It was close to two years ago!”

“Fine, it was two years ago; I don’t have your memory so sue me! Why weren’t you excited for this one?”

“Because it wasn’t just this one! You were going to be coming off that grueling shoot for Against the Tide and when you got back from your vacation to Boston you were on to post and then press for Running Wright and then straight on to Jumper after another vacation in Boston. It’s been a good 18 months since we last spent any real time together and you’ve got how many more weeks of principle photography? And then you’re off to Boston,  _again_ , and then back here for like all of a minute before post? Jesus Christ, Chris, it’ll have been about two fucking years by the time you’re done with editing and press! Why do you think I wasn’t all that excited about it? I’m exactly what I didn’t want to be, a single married parent!”

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“I DID! You took the God damned job anyway! I kept reaching out and I tried over and over and you just shoved me out of the way.” The realization that he’d never really listened to her started to sink in. “I stopped beating my head against the fucking brick wall because it hurt. You not wanting me, you not wanting our family hurt! And I’m not even going to go into the countless times that you’ve rebuffed me when I wanted to make love to you. You’re thinking of the last, what, three, maybe six months? I’m talking about the whole year before that. I got the message, loud and clear.”

“I wasn’t sending you a message!”

“Yes, you were, you are. You don’t want me anymore. You don’t want me as a partner, as a friend, as a lover, so I stopped beating my head against the wall, because why would I continue to hurt myself that way, to put myself out there so the love of my life could rebuff me and shove me to the side, again and again and again. I get that you’re just waiting this out until the kids are grown. I just thought,” Taz lost all her steam and completely deflated. “I thought you’d have the decency not to flaunt your affairs for everyone to see, our friends, our family. Do you know how many people have come to me to ask me if I’m okay? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is, to know that the whole world knows that my husband doesn’t love me anymore? And what about our kids? Do you want them to find out what you’re doing?”

Taz tried to get off of the sofa, but Chris grabbed her hand.

“Look, you got your way. I found out. You want out, I get it.”

“NO! I don’t want out!”

“This way you can get your way and move back to Boston, spend as much time with all your childhood friends as you want. You can move back in with your mom. We both know that’s what you really want, and that you resent me for not wanting to move back there.”

“Jesus, I don’t resent you.”

“At least be honest with me, Chris. Doesn’t almost 20 years together afford me a little honesty?”

“But I don’t resent you!”

“Is that why you’re in Boston every single chance you get? When you have a free weekend on a shoot, that you head to  _Boston_? To see who, your mom? Your brother? Your sisters? Your buddies from high school? Because you make a hell of a lot of time for them, and virtually none your wife and your children. I mean, hell, Chris, its’ your work, and then anyone and everyone who’s in Boston, and  _then_  us, at the bottom of the fucking list, it’s us, your wife and your children. Or wait, sorry, I got that backwards: it’s your children and then me.”

Chris sat there, stunned, speechless.

Taz couldn’t stop the tears when he didn’t fight her on her pronouncement. She didn’t know how, but she was going to get through this, maybe.

“We’ll figure out something with the kids. You know, I had a friend back in high school who would spend a year with each parent, that way they didn’t have to shuttle her back and forth across country all year. We could try that. It’s going to be especially hard on Rebel. But if we’re going to do that, the years that you have them, you gotta be in Boston, you cannot be out of town on a job. Promise me on this, okay? You promised you’d love me forever and that sure as hell didn’t last, but can you do me a favor, the last one I’ll ever ask of you, and promise me that you’ll put our kids before your work?”

“What?!”

“I just- I can’t! I cannot be doing this right now.”

She had to let it all out. While her kids were out of the house, she had to let all the pain out so she could be strong for her kids. She knew this was going to devastate them. She curled up on herself and cried.

Chris recalled another Saturday, at the beginning of their relationship, when Taz had been reduced to tears like this. That time it had been at Harrison’s doing. He’d vowed that if anyone messed with her, he’d make them pay for that. No one had ever done that until now.

With the realization that he’d probably hurt his wife, even more than Harrison ever could have, Chris felt sick. He wanted to hold her, to tell her everything would be alright, that they’d get past this. He wanted to tell her that she was the love of his life. He knew it would fall on deaf ears. Besides, even if she did hear him, he didn’t know if she’d believe him, of if he believed himself.

He got up off the sofa and headed downstairs. He needed time to think.

It was already mid-afternoon and Chris didn’t see this coming to an end anytime soon. He didn’t know how long Kristi was supposed to have the kids and he didn’t want them just showing up. He needed to avert that disaster. He got Kristi on the phone.

“Would it be possible for you to keep them at least until dinner?”

“You guys get everything solved already?”

“Not even.”

“You don’t sound so good.”

“Yeah, well, we’re taking a beating on this one.”

“You’re still being defensive, aren’t you?”

“What do you expect?!”

“You need to stop defending her. You need to start taking Taz’s side. She needs to feel like she’s number one in your life for once.”

“What are you talking about? Who am I defending?”

Kristi’s sigh came through loud and clear.

“She hasn’t told you, has she?”

“Told me what? She’s told me a helluva lot. What are  _you_  talking about?”

“Look, it’s not my place to tell you. It’s up to her.”

“But she’s not telling me! What isn’t she telling me? I want to make this right. I need to make this right.”

“All I will tell you is that you need to listen to her, and you need to back her. She’s your wife.”

“It sounds like you’re siding with her on this. Why are you siding with her on this? I thought you were my friend, too.”

“First of all, shame on you, Chris, you kissed another woman. Did you fuck her, too?”

“No!”

“How many people do you have on your side, and how many people does she have on hers?”

“I don’t know, like a handful we can trust?”

“You couldn’t be more wrong. I hope you guys work it out, I really do. But if you don’t, know that she gets me in the divorce.”

Chris was shaken after the call with Kristi. The fact that she’d used that word,  _divorce_ , rattled him. And her go-to, whatever it was that had first popped into her mind, was something that they hadn’t yet discussed  _argued about_. It was bad enough as it was, what the hell else could there be? He wracked his brain and couldn’t come up with anything.

It did not help that he was exhausted. His film was taking longer (weather delays had caused most of the issues) and he’d been trying to catch up. He was looking forward to his vacation in Boston and didn’t want to delay it.

He checked his phone for messages and saw that his Mom had been trying to get in touch with him.

_Are you okay?_  
_Have you called Taz?_  
_Has Taz explained herself yet?_  
_Just finish your shoot and come home. We_ _’ll figure out how to handle this._

Her messages helped calm him. She always made his life easier.

Chris walked back outside and sat on their deck, dangling his legs into the water. He closed his eyes and turned his mind to happier times. Like when they brought Jameson home from the hospital and how the following summer they had him in the pool. They wanted him to be comfortable in the water, just like his sister was. Or Rebel’s 8th birthday party with 30 little girls running around in pink tutus, motorcycle boots, flower crowns and firing water guns and tossing glitter that one of them had brought. Rebel loved the video that had been shot and wanted to post it online. After getting the parents’ permission she’d posted it and it had gone viral.  All the screaming and the laughter from that day was etched into their backyard. Well, they were still finding the glitter.

Lots of things were etched into this backyard, like the countless times that he and Taz would come out and relax under the night sky with the kids in their beds for the night. And all the talking and laughter that had filled his life. And the kissing. And making love.

His eyes slowly opened with that thought and he got up and headed in. He wasn't letting his marriage go down without a fight.


	34. Cut the Ties - Part 4

While Chris was downstairs, Taz texted Kristi. She wanted to check on her kids. She also needed a sounding board.

 _Taz: everything okay? they running you ragged?_  
_Kristi: all good here, you know your kids are perfect. how are you guys doing?_  
_Taz: don't know_  
_Kristi: why?_  
_Taz: don't know if he still wants us_  
_Kristi: well he flew cross country, pretty sure that means he does_  
_Taz: he thought I was on a date_  
_Kristi: if he didn't care he wouldn’t have come_  
_Taz: I want to believe you_  
_Kristi: where is he now?_  
_Taz: don't know, probably in his office. we need a break_  
_Kristi: wait, what?!?_  
_Taz: no, not like that, just a few minutes_  
_Kristi: k, gotta ask, do you want a divorce?_  
_Taz: NO! don't want that!_  
_Kristi: what do you want?_  
_Taz: not to kiss someone else for starters_  
_Kristi: good start, what else?_  
_Taz: for him to want to spend item with me, with the fam_  
_Kristi: reasonable_  
_Taz: for him to stop going to Boston every chance he gets_  
_Kristi: does he know about you and his mom?_  
_Taz: NO! And he's not going to_  
_Kristi: why?_  
_Taz: won't make him choose, he wouldn’t choose me_  
_Kristi: I think you're wrong_  
_Taz: no, you know he always sides with her on everything_  
_Kristi: but he loves you_  
_Taz: you think so?_  
_Kristi: YES! do you want to forgive him? do you love him?_  
_Taz: says it wasn't more than kissing so yes, and yes, that’s why this hurts so much_  
_Kristi: has he explained?_  
_Taz: no_  
_Kristi: give him a chance. he loves you._  
_Taz: really?_  
_Kristi: yeah. gotta run, stay strong_  
_Taz: what would I do without you?_  
_Kristi: you'll never need to find out. love you_  
_Taz: love you_

 

* * *

Chris wanted to make a gesture when he went back upstairs. He needed Taz to know he still cared, still thought of her, still loved her as much as he ever had. He opened the cupboards and found something that might be a start. He fixed her favorite tea and headed upstairs, but not before snagging something else from the den. He pushed the door to their bedroom open and spied her still on the sofa. She opened her eyes when she heard him.

“I know it’s pretty hot out, but I thought you might like some tea.” He held out the mug he was carrying. She recognized it as she sat up and took it from him. She took a sip and closed her eyes, doing what she could to control the emotions that had welled up inside her.  _Did he choose that mug on purpose?_

“I also found this.” He held out the throw, the one he’d given to her within a week of meeting her. She knew it as soon as she felt it and the tears started anew as he sat next to her.

“You’re my world, you and the kids. I want to fix this and make it right again. I know I blew it and I was stupid and I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you like I did. Taz, please don’t kick me out of your life.”

She wanted to believe him. She was desperate to believe him. She wanted all of this to be a bad dream and for him to wake her up with kisses on the back of her neck like he used to. She missed that. She missed her husband.

“Come on, Taz, please. Tell me what’s wrong. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“What I’ve told you isn’t enough? You kissing another woman isn’t enough?”

“I think there’s more. You not telling me, it feels like I stopped being your safe place a long time ago. I want to be that again. You mean everything to me.”

She peered at him before responding.

“I am having a very hard time believing you.”

“You have my heart, you always have. What more can I say?”

She knew what she needed to do. She didn’t want to, but it was necessary. She turned to him, sitting sideways on the sofa. He was so close, she had to stop herself from reaching out to caress his cheek. She vowed to remain calm.

“Then explain to me why you kissed her because it doesn’t make sense.”

“I told you. I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

“But you didn’t come to me to ask me-”

His words rushed out of him, less of an interruption and more of not being able to be contained.

“I didn’t want what we have to end. I thought I was avoiding the end by not talking to you about it. I can’t lose you.”

“You can’t lose me, you don’t want what we have to end, and yet you kissed someone else? That’s what doesn’t make sense. That’s why I’m having a very hard time believing you.”

“I was weak. It was a kiss-”

“A?  _A_  kiss? As in singular? You don’t kiss someone like that for the first kiss. Trust me on that one.”

“Our first kiss was-”

“Don’t you dare! I do  _not_  want to hear about your first kiss with her.”

“No! I was talking about us, you and me. I was saying  _our_  first kiss was so much more than that. It was everything. I fell in love with you on our first kiss.”

“I feel like a God damned broken record, but I don’t get it. You love me and you don’t want it to end but you kissed another woman. You thought about having sex with her. And not in some fantasy kind of way, but in the ‘I could actually make this happen’ kind of way. Yeah, you didn’t, but you thought about it!”

“You’re making it sound like I almost did. I didn’t. I didn’t come close. When I say I thought about it, it was maybe 10 seconds and it was what made me stop contemplating anything with her. She wasn’t you.”

“You say one thing and you do something else. What the hell?”

Chris finally broke.

“I was scared, all right!” They were both startled by his outburst. It took him a moment to regroup before continuing. “Jesus, I was scared of losing you, of you kicking me out of your life. Don’t you see? Renner is right: I don’t deserve you. You could do so much better than me. I mean, how many men is it? 43? That’s 43 who don’t believe you belong with me. And I knew you were starting to see right through me and you were pulling away and trying to figure out how to end things and know I’m not good enough for you and you were going to leave me-”

“This makes no sense.”

“-and I panicked and she said some nice things and I’d been missing you, missing what we used to have and I thought it was lost but I was really just proving Jeremy right, proving everyone right, and I was an idiot and I  _am_  an idiot and she wasn’t you and I wanted her to  _be_  you because I wanted  _you_  and I fooled myself into thinking she  _was_  you but she didn’t even come close to being you. She wasn’t a replacement. She could never even dream of coming anywhere close to being a replacement for you. You are my life. I love you!”

As Chris was talking Taz closed her eyes and bowed her head. She let his words sink in and that’s when she realized that he had been reacting to her. She knew she wasn’t completely at fault, not even mostly at fault, not even close. But neither was she blameless. Everything was in reaction to something the other had done. He kissed someone else because she’d pulled away because he was never around and working all the time because she’d pulled away because - well, she wouldn’t, couldn’t go  _there_ , she wouldn’t make him choose because she knew she’d lose. But could she live like this?

“I want to believe you. I want to believe that.”

“Let me convince you. I can’t stop the shoot but I can put off post for a little bit, give us some time together. Let me try to begin to make this right. I think it would be good for us to go away. But wait, the kids start school soon, don’t they? Well, we can go away together, as a family, and then they can go to school and we can get my mom to come out and stay with them and then we can go away, just us, so we can talk this out and figure this out and I can try to make this up to you and make it right.”

“Chris, I can’t plan something this last minute. The kids are getting ready to go back to school and-”

“Who needs to plan anything? Just join me in Boston-”

Everything about her changed. She’d started to let herself begin to believe and the tension that had left her was instantly back when he asked her to join him. She went rigid and pulled away.

“Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

“You want us to go away  _as a family_ , yet you want us to go to Boston? No.”

“I don’t get it.”

“We don’t ever see you when we’re there.”

“You see me every day.”

“Are you serious with that? Well, I guess technically, you're right. We see you like twice a day: once when you’re getting ready for the day, before you go off and spend time with your family or your buddies or whoever you spend your time with, and once when you get home. The rest of the time you’re not anywhere around us.”

Chris didn’t believe her.

“But I see you guys all the time.”

“God, even now you’re not listening to me. You spend all your time with your family and with your friends. You have conversations with them, you laugh, you joke, you play the piano and sing. We are not included. Why haven’t you noticed how no one includes us? To make it worse, we are absolutely dead last on your list for any activity that goes on. You don’t take Jimbo to any games, you don’t show an interest in anything that Rebel does. Let me clue you in to something. Do you realize you’ve got three years until Rebel heads off to college. Right now she only gets to see you on most holidays and her birthday. Well,  _normally_  you’re there for her birthday.” She didn’t miss the sheepish look on Chris’s face, but that wasn’t about to deter her. “Once she’s off to college, you won’t see her. With how you schedule yourself, you’ll get Christmas day and maybe a week in the summer, so you may as well just say goodbye to her right now.”

“No. Boston solves everything. You know Boston is such a great place to raise kids. If we just moved there all our problems would be solved.”

“Boston doesn’t solve a damn thing for anyone but you. For the rest of us it only complicates our lives. You want to tear me away from my support system, from all of the people who help me out when you’re either out on location or promoting a movie or otherwise unavailable? And Kristi? And what about our kids? You want to tear our kids away from their friends? Have you ever asked them if they want to move?”

“You’ll all make friends there, and you have my family, you can lean on them.”

“Oh, I most definitely do  _not_  have your family.” Taz realized, too late, what she’d just let slip.

“What do you mean by that?”

She shut her eyes and cursed herself for being entirely too angry to have this conversation. She knew she’d just forced his hand. It was now only a matter of time before he decided to leave for good.

“Taz, what do you mean you don’t have my family?”

The concern in his voice -  _he_ _’s going to back them up, isn’t he? If I’m going to do this, I may as well go all the way._

“Your family wants nothing to do with me, or your friends,” she opened her eyes and glared at him through tears. “ _Trust_  me on that one.”

“My family loves you!”

“No. No they don’t. Just ask them. I’m sure they’ll be only too happy to tell you. They’re probably dancing right now, hoping that we’ll split up.”

“That’s an awful thing to say!”

“Sometimes the truth is awful!”

“But my family-”

“I thought  _we_  were your family!”

“You are!”

“What is more important to you? Boston or this family, the one that we made together?” She tried to stop the tears, but they continued to flow until she got angry. “Maybe little miss ‘I’ll screw the director as soon as I can and tear his family apart’ is willing to move to Boston to be with you. In fact, I’ll bet she is.” She hated what she was saying, but she was done trying to hold anything back. “But you need to clue her in on what she’s in for, ‘cause guess what? With the exception of the years our children were born, you’ve been gone for at least half of of each year and some years close to the whole thing, working, on location or doing press, or the months of post-production when you may as well not even be here because we don’t see you. We do get the occasional day here or there or an odd dinner now and again. Have you ever thought about that? What tearing us out of the only home this family has ever had to indulge you for what, three months out of the fucking year? What about the other nine months? You’d be spending all your time with everyone else but us! God, between your work taking up so much of your time and you being gone, and your family and friends taking up the rest of your time because you live in the same city? We would  _never_  see you. I mean, we rarely see you now. Do you realize you’ve been in Boston more than in LA this year? And if we’re never going to see you anyway, I may as well stay in the place that makes the rest of us happy. So go, move to Boston. Make your family happy and move back to be with them.”

“But, I thought if you gave it a chance, you could be happy in Boston.”

“No. How have you not noticed how often I’m in another room because of a headache when I’m there?”

“You’re always getting headaches.”

“I only get them when I’m under stress. I normally don’t get them at home. Oh, but that’s right, you’re never here so you have no reason to know that.”

“But Rebel said-”

“Damn it! You were supposed to be here for the 4th and you chose to go to Boston instead. You were supposed to be here for Rebel’s birthday, but you chose Boston again! The kids were so disappointed and I had to cover for you!”

“You could have come out to Boston. Why didn’t you?”

“First of all, it was Rebel’s birthday and she wanted to stay here! Second, we aren’t welcome there!”

“Since when?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ever since you’ve been telling them that  _I_ _’m_  the reason you can’t move back to Boston yet.”

“Oh come on.”

“Your mother calls at least once a week asking me when I’m going to change my mind.”

“She does?”

“Yes, she does. She pressures me every chance she gets. What is it going to take to get you to believe me?”

“This is all new to me, what do you expect?”

“I expect you to open up your ears and listen to me.”

“You haven’t told me this before.”

“You’re right, you want to know why?”

“Of course I do!”

“Because any time there has ever been a disagreement between your family and me, but  _especially_  with your mother, you back them. You take  _their_  side. You have  _never_  backed me.”

“Name one time.”

“How about the conversation that you and I are having, right now, about Rebel learning to drive and that she doesn’t need a car of her own, despite what your mother says. With you gone for half the year we have your car. When she goes off to college she won’t be allowed to take a car her freshman year-”

“But she’ll have her own apartment.”

“No, she won’t. She’ll be in the dorm the first year.”

“But I can afford it, she doesn’t have to be in a dorm.”

“It’s what she wants!”

“But if she goes back east-”

“As of right now she’s only looking at Stanford and Berkeley.”

“But Boston-”

“Listen to yourself! That’s not what she wants. She’s trying to decide between genetics and health or public policy, she’s not sure which direction she wants to head.”

“There are good schools in Boston-”

“And that is not what she wants! She could change her mind and if she does I know she’d get into any school she’d apply to, but for now she likes Stanford and Berkeley. You know, maybe if you spent more than three seconds with her when she’s in Boston, and have it be just the two of you, showing her around, talking to her about the city, about why it is so great and not because you grew up there or your family is there or the fucking Patriots, but what the city has to offer, maybe she’d consider it. Trust me, I’ve been trying to steer her towards Harvard but for now she won’t even consider it. But she most certainly does not need a car. And why on earth does your mother get a vote on this? This is our decision, not hers. Rebecca is our daughter, not hers.”

“Yeah, but she thinks-”

“Jesus Christ! You’re doing it again! How many people are in this marriage?”

Chris wasn’t sure how to answer that question because he was starting to realize what Kristi had been referring to.

Taz was growing more and more frustrated. She couldn’t stop herself.

“And you know what else she does?

Chris knew she was going to end up regretting this. This wasn’t like her.

“What?”

“She thinks the rules don’t apply to you and that your shit doesn’t stink.”

“Since when?”

Taz cocked her eyebrow and got up off the sofa, grabbing her phone from bedside table.

“Are you ready?”

“Of course.”

Having already pulled up the texts, she sat down next to him and handed her phone over.

_Mom: You have some nerve!_   
_Taz: What are you talking about?_   
_Mom: What are you doing to my son?_   
_Taz: Excuse me?_   
_Mom: Why were you out on a date with someone else?_   
_Taz: <link> Why waS MY HUSBAND KISSING ANOTHER WOMAN!_   
_Mom: I'm sure there’s a logical explanation for that. Why were you out on a date?_   
_Taz: I DO NOT ANSWER TO YOU_   
_Mom: We ’ll see what Chris has to say about this_

“Taz, look, she’s getting old and-”

Taz exploded up off the sofa, stalking away.

“Where are you going?”

“Away from you, away from this, because if I stick around right now I’m going to say something I’ll regret later.”

“Stay. Please talk to me.”

Taz spun on her heels and was back in front of him, her gestures broadening the longer she spoke.

“You want me to talk? Fine. Do you get that you are defending your mother who is defending you, shoving your actions under the rug and attacking me when all I had was dinner and you are the one who is kissing another woman? I’m not the one having an affair!”

“I’m not having an affair!”

“What do you call kissing another woman?”

“A really bad mistake that will never even come close to happening again. I’ve told you, nothing will ever happen with her but you keep bringing her up, why?”

“Because I’m not over it  _fuck you! You kissed her_! Because I’m in pain and I want to hurt you as much as you’ve hurt me!”

Chris almost sprung up off the sofa. All he wanted was to wrap her in his arms and take her pain away, reassure her.

“And I want to take your pain away. If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do any of it. I just want to get back to where we were.”

“Where we were? Before this?”

“Yes.”

“Where we were isn’t going to solve anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“You won’t let up about us moving to Boston.”

“But it’s such a great-

“CHRIS! Do I have to tie you down to a God damn chair and force feed you this shit that I’m dealing with until you open your eyes and see it? Do you understand that you and I will never be the only two people in our relationship if we move there? Your mother and your brother and your sisters and your friends will weigh in on abso-fucking-lutely everything and will always,  _always_ , take your side, even when you are the one who is a million-fucking-percent in the wrong, like your Mom did with me? You always take their side over me! You didn’t care whether or not Rebel would have a car until your Mom weighed in and you backed  _her_! Why won’t you pull your head out of your fucking ass and see that it’s bad enough when they are 3000 miles away? Why would I want to live there?”

Taz was violently shoved past her breaking point. Yanking a pillow off the bed, she ran to the closet and slammed the door shut behind her.

Chris, never having seen her like this in the almost 20 years they’d been together, was startled to hear muffled screams coming from the closet. He crossed to the closet but didn’t open the door. Her screams were incredibly long, tapering at the end. He realized she was screaming until she had no breath in her lungs. He closed his eyes and felt ill.

As she started her fourth scream, Chris opened the closet door to Taz, curled into a fetal position in the corner, head buried in the pillow. He knelt down next to her and waited until she was done before touching her shoulder.

“Taz, Jesus, baby, please stop.”

She gulped air and began her next scream. It morphed into sobs a little more than halfway through.

Chris had had enough. He couldn’t leave her alone any longer. He sat next to her and pulled her onto his lap, hugging her close. He realized he was holding her for the first time since he got home. He knew he’d been a real shit for letting things get to this stage. He hated himself more than at any other time in his life.

He held the woman who had been the best thing that could have ever happened to him while she sobbed because of him. He didn’t know how he was going to do it, but he vowed to fix the mess he’d made for her and for their family.


	35. Cut the Ties - Part 5

They sat like that, on the floor, as time ticked away. Chris stewed and stewed as he realized just how badly he’d screwed up. This was years in the making, years of frustration and pain that Taz was releasing. He realized how selfish he’d been, working as much as he had and worse, spending his free time in Boston when he should have been home with his family.

The work hadn’t been about the money. Granted, the money was nice, but they had more than enough. His movies with Marvel, especially those after his original contract was done, saw to that. He’d been sad to bring his time with them to an end, but he was having the time of his life now. He enjoyed bringing his visions to life and telling stories. But it was also an escape.

Early in their relationship, he’d been conscious about how much time he was away from Taz. He never wanted to be gone for any longer than was absolutely necessary. Once they had Rebecca and Taz stopped working outside the home, it actually became easier since they were able to join him. There had been a brief discussion as to whether or not Taz would home school so they could always be with Chris while he was working, but ultimately she decided that she wanted the kids to have a more stable life. Hindsight being 20/20, he would have moved his family to Boston before the kids started school.

When that thought hit him, though, he wondered. He was having a hard time believing that his family didn’t love Taz, but as he looked back on the times they were all together, he wasn’t sure.

Rebel and Jimmy used to love to go to Grandma’s. He noticed that it was only the last couple of years that they stopped being so excited to see the rest of the family. Was it that they just didn’t want to travel, or was something else going on? Had they picked up on tensions that he hadn’t seen, or worse, that he’d inadvertently caused?

Was that why Taz had pulled away from him, because of his family? Had she tried to come to him? Did he summarily dismiss her?

Had anyone ever said anything to him that he’d dismissed? He couldn’t recall. Did he back his Mom up on everything? Well, there was one time he didn’t, but he also hadn’t heard the end of it. Hell, she’d even brought it up over the 4th. Thinking back on it, trying to look at things from a different perspective, he wondered if that hadn’t been the start of everything. His family had welcomed Taz with open arms their first Christmas together, and Taz and Mom had done such a great job on the reception that they had in Boston. Then Mom had come out for the birth of Rebecca and Taz couldn’t sing her praises enough and had even bought her the diamond pendant as a Thank You gift. Mom never took that off. They'd been so close, or so he thought.

He needed to figure out what went wrong so he could fix it.

When Taz had been calm for some time he stopped rocking and felt her cling to him. He tightened his arms and they hugged for a while before he ventured to say something. He kept his voice soft as he continued to stroke lazy circles on her back.

“I think it might be good to get some water into you, maybe some food, too.”

“Not hungry.”

He noted how hoarse and scratchy her voice was, made so from those soul-wrenching screams. He kissed her temple and stroked her head as he continued.

“I know, baby, but you haven’t eaten all day and you had the headache this morning. I’m afraid you’re going to get another one and it’ll be even worse this time if you do. I could heat up some soup, or make some pasta? Anything you want.”

“Maybe some pasta would be good.”

“I wonder if soup might not be better for your throat.”

“Tea will do for that.”

He relaxed his grip and Taz sat up. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Chris.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“That was quite the spectacular display just now.”

“You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.” He smoothed her hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ear. He was grateful she didn’t flinch or shy away from his touch, but it hurt that she still wouldn’t look at him. “I cannot even tell you how sorry I am that I caused that. That was all on me. If anyone needs to apologize it’s me. I will do everything in my power to get you to trust me again. I promise you, I will be your safe place.”

He wiped fresh tears from her cheeks before tucking her under his chin. He didn’t know if she would ever trust him again, but he was going to do everything in his power to convince her she could.

“You know what? I have another idea. How about you take a bath, get nice and relaxed while I fix dinner. I’ll come back and get you when it’s all ready. I’ll check on the kids, too, make sure they’re okay.”

“They should be back soon.”

“I called Kristi when I was downstairs earlier and she agreed to keep them until at least dinner. I think I’d like them to stay overnight. We’ve got more talking to do and if you need to yell at me some more I don’t want you to stop because they’re here. I know we won’t be done before I have to head back, but I’d like to feel like we’re in a semi-decent place before I head out. Is that okay?”

“The kids’ll be disappointed, but I think that’s a good idea.”

He moved to stand and Taz flung her arms around his neck.

“Please, not yet. Can we stay like this?”

“Whatever you need.”

* * *

It was about an hour later when Taz was in the tub, doing what she could to relax and let the tension leave her body, that Chris headed downstairs to fix a light meal for them. Neither of them were hungry, but Taz needed to eat.

He called Kristi and she agreed to keep the kids overnight. She was happy to hear that things seemed to be on the mend between them. He didn’t have the heart to tell her how fragile they still were, although he had no problem with fessing up to just how much he’d screwed up and how everything was his fault. He may have thought he was fooling his wife’s best friend, but he wasn’t. She knew well and good that they weren’t past the critical stage, not by a long shot. 

He tried to get off the phone so he could finish everything up and try to figure out what to do, but Rebel wouldn’t let him. She was persistent and pestered Kristi until she handed the phone over.

“Dad, when are you gonna come pick us up?”

“Not right now Reb. What are you guys doing?”

“We had lunch late, we’re swimming now but Aunt Kristi keeps telling us we need to get out and go eat dinner. When are you gonna come pick us up?”

“Your Mom and I still need time for just us. We want you to stay with Kristi tonight. When we’re done I’ll come get you.”

“Are we gonna even see you?”

Her pleading tone smacked him on the back of the head.

“Sometime tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“Absolutely.” An idea crossed his mind and it took him all of two seconds to decide to ask Rebel. Now that he’d be looking for it, and aware and making sure he spent all his time with his family, maybe… “Hey, what if after my shoot you and Jimmy-”

“Dad, he hates Jimmy. He goes by Jimbo now.”

“Okay,”  _when did that change_  “how about you and Jimbo and your Mom come out to Boston with me before school starts? How would that be?”

He was met with silence. That was not something he expected.

“Reb, you there?”

“I’m here.”

“What do you think about coming out to Boston with me?”

“You don’t know this, Dad, but I have swimming now and I have a coach and-”

“We could find a pool for you to practice at.”

“But Coach gives me instructions while I’m practicing-”

“We’ll find a coach there, someone who your coach says is okay.”

“But I like Coach! I don’t want to replace him!”

“I’m not trying to replace him.”

Apparently, Rebel had made up her mind.

“How about I stay with Aunt Kristi, I’m sure it would be fine.”

“Don’t you want to see Grandma, your aunts and uncles, and all your cousins?”

Chris was again greeted with silence. What wasn’t she telling him?

“Reb, are you there?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you want to see everyone?” It concerned him that she didn’t answer, and that made it apparent that her response would be no. Was she afraid to tell him? “Sugar, you can tell me. I won’t get mad. Do you want to see everyone?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Just, I don’t want to.”

“That’s not good enough, Sugar. What’s your reason?”

“Because.”

She sounded so small. When he closed his eyes all he could see was his 5 year old daughter being brave and pretending she wasn’t afraid to go off to kindergarten. He heard Kristi in the background, urging her to talk to him. The poking and prodding worked.

“They don’t like us.”

“Who doesn’t like you?”

“All of them.”

“Aw, come one, you’re exaggerating.”

“I don’t exaggerate, Dad. You know that.”

“You’re right, you’re right, Sugar. You don’t. I’m sorry.”

“Dad, please stop calling me that.”

He smiled when he heard the smile in her voice.

“Why? You know my little girl is the sweetest thing to ever walk this planet.”

“Daddyyyy!”

Rebel stole his breath away when she called him that. He smeared the tears on his cheeks, taking a little time laughing to recompose himself. It had been entirely too long since he’d heard that.

“Okay, have it your way. So, Rebel, tell me: why haven't you said anything before?”

There was still a hesitation, and then he heard her sigh before she spoke. “What good would it do?”

“Please? Explain it to me?”

“You don’t ever defend Mom.”

“What?”

“Grandma’s mean to her and you always take her side.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I might be young, but I’m not deaf, and I’m not stupid. I hear you, Dad.”

“What are you talking about?”

Everything that Rebel had kept hidden from her parents came pouring forth.

“Grandma’s mean to Mom and she does what she can to hide it from us, but I hear it, Dad. You all think you’re hiding it from me, but I hear it. I know you want to move to Boston, but I don’t like it there. I’ve never liked it there. They all make fun of me for living in LA, they make fun of how I talk. They make fun of me for swimming and training and being dedicated to something I love. They make fun of Jimbo for playing soccer instead of football. And I’ve heard what your friends call Mom, Dad, they don’t like her either.”

“You’re exaggerating, Reb.”

“Stop saying that, I’m not! They don’t like me or Jimbo, and they don’t like Mom! They called her a stuck up bitch, I  _heard_  them.”

It was Chris’s turn to be silent. His stomach seized as Rebel’s words hit home.

“They said that?”

“Yeah, and Mom knows. She heard them, Dad. She tried to play it off like it didn’t mean anything, but I saw how much they hurt her.”

“Well, it can’t be all of them.”

“You are so blind! No one in Boston can do any wrong as far as you’re concerned. You remember three years ago when we were in Boston for the summer and you came in for the 4th? You and Mom went inside to get stuff ready for the BBQ and I took out the Cokes? Well, before I made it to the ice bucket, I heard them. I stopped and I listened to what they were saying.  They were all talking about her. They were trying to one up each other with stuff about her, like how she insists on having healthy food, you know, vegetables and stuff, at a BBQ even though she’s doing it for Jimbo since he won’t eat potato chips and French fries, or how she doesn’t drink beer.”

“But beer gives her a headache.”

“I know, you know, but that’s lost on them. And she heard them. She came out and saw me listening and I tried to get her to go back inside, Dad, I really did. I didn’t want her to hear what they were saying about her. I knew she’d be hurt and at first she didn’t know who they were talking about and she tried to get me to leave, she didn’t like me hearing the things that they were saying and she didn’t know who they were talking about and then someone said something about your wedding in Santa Barbara and how she was trying to take you away from them and it must have been a really boring time and it hit her that they were talking about her and she was so hurt.” When Rebel’s voice broke, Chris wanted to reach through the phone to comfort his daughter; she sounded so small. “Daddy, you should have seen the look on her face.” He heard the tears in her voice and it tore him in two. “She took the drinks from me and headed out there and they all stopped talking and waited until she left and then they laughed! They laughed at the fact that she heard them and they kept talking about her. And you spent all day with them and there were times that they were talking about her and you were laughing and she heard you-”

“I wasn’t laughing about her! God, I barely even remember that day.”

“Then how do you know you weren't?”

“Because I have  _never_  laughed at your mother, not once.”

“But you spend all of your time with them. Do you think Mom’s a stuck up bitch?

“No!”

“But you spend all your-”

“Absolutely not, Rebecca. I had no idea they thought that!”

“Well, you don’t spend any time with us. We may as well not even exist when you’re there, even when we’re there you don’t see us. You’re never home. You’re always pressuring Mom to move but none of us wants to go. You are so selfish I HATE YOU!”

Chris heard muffled sounds before Kristi came back on the line.

“Let me go take care of her.”

“Give her a hug for me and tell her I love her and we’ll talk.”

“Will do. You know, I didn’t know most of that. Taz kept it from me.”

When Chris hung up the phone, he sat at the kitchen table, stunned. He closed his eyes as he thought back to that weekend.

He recalled that when he got to town, Taz had a headache and was upstairs with a bag of ice on her head. He’d stopped by to kiss her hello and check on her before heading out to meet up with his friends. His brow furrowed with that realization. When he got back later, she was better.

Things were relatively good the next day. Rebel and Jimmy (he was still going by Jimmy at that time) wanted him to take them out for lunch, but he’d already made plans with his brother. Dinner that night was with his Mom.

He realized he spent that whole day with everyone but his family.

And then on the 4th they’d been getting everything ready and half-way through Taz had excused herself and went upstairs with another headache. When he went outside he heard one of the guys talking about someone, they said she was someone’s ‘ex’ and were bashing on her and called her a ‘stuck up bitch’ and he realized they had been talking about his wife in front of him. Chris felt ill.

Had he laughed? Even the thought that he might have laughed at some point about something that one of his friends had said soured his stomach even further. He didn’t remember anything that anyone specifically said, and certainly nothing that would have pointed him in Taz’s direction. It became the running gag of the day, though, to tell jokes about ‘stuck up bitches’. He didn’t recall participating. Didn’t he ask them to cool it, especially around the kids?

Thinking back on it, Chris realized that everything changed after that weekend. Taz started using any excuse she could not to go to Boston. Rebel started sulking anytime they had plans to go, and he’d just figured that she was at ‘that age’. Wasn't that something he heard from Mom?

He had been blind. Everything was happening right in front of his face and he’d been unwilling to see it. And Taz. He mentally kicked himself for how she must have felt these past years, and she didn’t feel that she could come to him. When he realized what he’d done to her…

His stomach heaved when his nose registered the sauce on the stove and he ran to the bathroom. He wretched and dry-heaved, the resulting tears streaming down his face as he realized what he’d done to his family. When his stomach gave up trying to evacuate empty space, he collapsed onto the floor, despondent, tears of a different nature flowing.

He’d made his family think he didn’t love them, didn’t care for them, that anyone and everyone else were more important than they were.

All that was going to change.

It took some time before he was in control once more and he headed back to the kitchen. He almost tossed everything out but shoved it all into the refrigerator instead. Taz hated waste.

_How the hell am I going to make it up to her?_

He bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time before he came to a screeching halt outside their bedroom. He hadn’t had a plan when he’d made his move. It took him all of two seconds to know what he needed to do.


	36. Cut the Ties - Part 6

When Chris had suggested food to her, Taz didn’t have the heart to tell him that she probably wouldn’t be able to keep it down. She wanted him to feel like he was being useful. He always needed to feel useful when he was home, even if it was for only one day.

Before that, though, before anything else, she wanted to stay in Chris’s arms. For the rest of the night would be a great start. Forever would be better. She thought that if she stayed there long enough, he might be able to forget. Forget what she’d said in the heat of her rage, which she couldn’t even remember. Forget that she’d pulled away from him. Forget that she’d backed him into a corner. Maybe, maybe he’d forget all of it, forgive her, and they could move on. It was what she hoped for, but she knew it was a pipe dream.

She ached to scratch the back of his head as he drew her bath for her  _I wonder if he misses that_. She loved it when he did things like that for her, took care of her in small ways. Like, if he was home and saw it was anywhere close, he’d get her oil changed for her. In years past he’d take the dog to the vet or take the driving duties for one of the kids. Between dance and musical instruments and voice lessons and Scouts and Brownies and all kinds of art and soccer and baseball and softball, Taz’s afternoons were jam packed and when he pitched in, it was the biggest help. When he got busier and was home less and less, there were a couple of times that, due to lovely LA traffic, a kid missed their lesson. That was when they brought on Trudy as a part-time nanny. Having additional help meant that the kids were always where they needed to be and that Taz was able to get everything done that she needed.

Finally she was stretched out in the tub, the hot water working on her tense muscles. After Chris checked on her for the last time and headed downstairs, Taz’s mind bounced around as she thought back to how they got here. It wasn’t a pretty journey.

She couldn't, didn’t dare to let herself hope that they’d turned a corner, that he was seeing what he was doing to the family.

_Damn it, stop putting this all on him!_

Taz knew she’d contributed to it. She’d tried, over the years, to talk to Chris about his obsession with his work, how he’d get so single-minded, so laser focused that he’d lose sight of his family and things he’d promised them, or missed altogether, like Jimbo’s final game of the season this past spring. He was a good player, actually a great player, fantastic hand-eye coordination, which was why the coach had switched him to goalie a couple of years ago and he was seeing a special coach. It was rare for him to have a goal scored against him and his team quickly became the one to beat. So when he held the other team scoreless in that final game and they’d won the league, he was crushed when he looked to the sidelines and saw that Chris wasn’t there. Some phone call about the film he was now shooting that, at the time was still a couple of weeks away, had taken priority over his son.

She’d tried to talk to Chris about it when they got home, but he’d just ushered her out of his office and shut the door in her face. When she turned and saw Rebel at the end of the hallway, watching her, she wanted to rush to her and wrap her arms around her, tell her that their father really did love them. She knew it would fall on deaf ears as she watched her daughter turn, shoulders slumped as she gazed at the floor and shuffled back to her bedroom before closing her door and studying.

Taz felt like a failure. She was failing her kids, failing her husband, failing her marriage, and, most importantly, failing her family.

Miraculously, tears still fell. It wasn’t that she was unfeeling, just that she felt cried out. She had no more energy available so the tears lay tracks on her cheeks, ultimately mixing with the bathwater.

She stopped lying to herself. She did more than contribute to the problem; she started it.

She’d refused to travel while Sarah was pregnant with Jameson.

Sarah had been the perfect surrogate and both she and Chris had counted themselves lucky that they’d found her. Everything had been fine, but allowing someone else to carry their child had taken its toll on Taz. She missed the connection she’d felt with Rebecca and she felt incredibly empty and hollow. She was worried that Jameson and she wouldn’t bond. Looking back on it, she couldn’t believe how silly she’d been, but at the time, she couldn’t take a chance: she needed to be in town in case anything happened or in case Sarah required, well, it wouldn’t have mattered: Taz would have seen to it that she get anything she wanted.

To make matters worse, she couldn’t complain to Chris. He’d put his foot down after Rebecca was born, emphatically stating that she was not allowed to get pregnant again. Luckily, Kristi told her how hard it had been on him, or they would have had a real fight on their hands. She’d reluctantly agreed to his demand, not knowing the toll it would take on her.

Chris was busy working for most of the pregnancy and cut it close with his last job, but he was able to be at home for the birth and for the first six months. That was when it all started: the first step to where they found themselves now.

They had all his relatives wanting to come out for a visit after the birth, but Taz couldn’t handle that. She needed time to bond with Jim and she didn’t want anyone else around except for the four of them. She’d had dreams all throughout the pregnancy, but especially the last six weeks, that Jameson wasn’t really her son and that Chris was going to leave her for the real mother. She knew it was preposterous, but that didn’t help.

It was that request, though, that no one come out to visit right away, not even Mom, that set the path that they’d inadvertently followed. Lisa’s feelings were hurt, rightly so, at not being allowed to come out and to make matters worse, Taz didn’t want to travel with the family for the holidays. She was still ultra-stressed and hadn’t felt like she’d properly bonded with Jimmy and she just couldn’t handle it. A comment that she’d made to Chris,  _you lucked out with me: you don_ _’t have to split your holiday time between your family and mine. Why can’t I just have a holiday I want for once_  stopped his protests but she knew she’d said something she shouldn’t have. He and his family had had nothing but open arms for her and made her feel so welcome and she felt awful, but at the same time, it was what she needed. And there was another reason.

Chris was home so infrequently because of work that she wanted him all to herself. Whenever they were in Boston she’d had to share him with everyone else. Had she been able to see him for dinner every night in their home and sleep in the same bed or even if it was just the weekend,  _every_  weekend, that might have been okay. But it was maybe one weekend a month if they got lucky and any more time than that and he wanted to head to Boston. It had started not to feel like a real marriage, like she was only around because they had a couple of kids. Yes, she shoved that feeling into a far, deep corner of her brain and thought she had a lid on it. Unfortunately, it festered and grew. Yes, it took less than a decade, but it finally saw the light of day and and began to consume her life starting July 4th three years ago.

Taz now hated July 4th. Sure, Chris still had fans who would send him notes on Steve Rogers’ birthday, and it was sweet. She liked that part. She loved fireworks and being in the arms of the man she loved while they watched them, or, even better, when the four of them sat together, Rebel on Chris’s lap and Jimmy on hers, to watch the show and ooh and aah, wherever they were.

Well, it used to be one of her favorite things, until Chris’s friends ruined it for her.

Sure, she’d been miffed that Chris had spent his first day and a half home with everyone but his family. That was his way, though, and she’d become accustomed to coming in last on his list of people to see and spend time with. You’d think she would generally rank in the top 5, or at least the top 10. These days she was lucky if she was in the top 20. But July 4th, well, that was a whole other situation altogether.

She’d gotten in quite the argument with Mom about two things. The first was Jimmy’s eating habits. She thought Taz had gone the extremely strict route with what he was allowed to eat and was berating her, trying to get her to back off her theoretical restrictions. Thing is, Jimmy had seen a special on Frontline about how convenience/junk food was bad for you and how companies got kids hooked on the food and ever since that, he’d refused to eat anything but healthy foods. She tried to explain to Mom that it was Jimmy’s doing, but there was no stopping her once she had her mind made up.

The second thing was about all the activities that the kids were involved in. Again, it was the kids’ doing. They were the ones who had expressed interest in each subject. They always had a conversation about what the minimum commitment would be (thanks to the debacle of Rebel wanting to learn piano, stopping, and then starting up again: her instructor was not pleased). They were the ones who had to practice. When they expressed an interest in stopping something, they talked about the minimum commitment (which often included a time table) and depending on the reason why they wanted out, they either had to fulfill the initial obligation or were allowed out.

Lisa wouldn’t hear of it. She’d made up her mind that the kids were involved in too many things and told Taz in no uncertain terms that she was stressing her kids. Taz did what she could but being ganged up on by the family led to a rather long and drawn out argument.

That argument, and the general stress she was under just by being around his family, brought out her headache so she excused herself. The year before, she’d begun to hear grumblings behind her back from the family about her ‘supposed’ headaches and Taz had stopped taking to her room unless they were unbearable. The problem was, they were  _always_  unbearable. She wanted the family  _Mom_  to stop poking and prodding and weighing in on absolutely everything, as if she couldn’t handle being a mother without Chris present. Hell, he wasn’t around all that much and when he was, he was more of a friend to the kids than a parent.

She absolutely loved and adored her kids. Their kids were fantastic. They were kind and thoughtful and had tons of friends. And they were smart, like off the chart smart. They went to a school that catered to gifted kids and it helped tremendously. They were challenged which meant they didn’t breeze through their homework, but neither did they have hours and hours of it which meant they had time for all their other interests  _and how on earth were they supposed to know what they wanted to do in their life if they didn_ _’t try things that interested them_. Everything was going well at home. Well, almost. The kids missed their Dad. He was away from home a lot, and they were seeing him less and less.

The good news was that he was in demand. The bad news was that he was in demand.

She recalled that during the year before they got married, there were a couple of stretches where they didn’t see each other for two and three months at a time. Taz was stressed over wedding details and needed Chris’s input and had held off for as long as she could on a couple of items that she needed from him and it was 3 a.m. his time when she finally got him on the phone. Thing was, she’d really needed his support, too. She’d just convinced him that they should have the wedding in Santa Barbara instead of Boston and she felt bad. She knew several things would have been true if they’d had the wedding in Boston. It wouldn’t have been her wedding. He would have listened to all his friends and family and had pushed for what they wanted. While she’d wanted it to be their wedding, she really didn’t want a ‘world of beers’ as one of his friends had suggested (she really didn’t want everyone drunk at her wedding) and as much as she loved his family, they’d started to suggest things that she wasn’t into and it made her feel awkward to say ‘no’ to them. With what was being proposed, it would have been an Evans bash with a wedding to her as an afterthought. That was most definitely not what she wanted.

Chris realized he hadn’t done her any favors by scheduling everything back to back before the wedding. She was still working outside the home at that point and she was saving up as much of her time off as she could. She was going to end up taking a leave of absence, but she wanted to get paid as much as she could: the wedding was expensive and she was footing the bill. Chris tried to give her money to pay for part of it but she wouldn’t accept it. He was taking care of the reception in Boston and then the later one in LA, closer to Christmas. She felt the least she could do was to pay for the wedding itself. Then he tried to pay for a wedding coordinator and she pooh-poohed that idea as well. She didn’t want someone else planning her wedding to the love of her life. She also didn’t want to see her wedding profiled on someone’s web page or plastered all over the internet or worse, photos of their wedding end up anywhere they didn’t want them to be. Anyone else organizing their day was out of the question.

Chris didn’t like how she sounded on the phone, and she refused to go on FaceTime. Because of how stressed she got, Chris had decided to ensure there was always plenty of time between jobs, with ‘plenty of time’ being however much he could get.

Their first several months after their wedding were wonderful, especially since they both ended up taking off the rest of the year. It was the best of times for them as they settled into a routine that would work until Taz got pregnant and they had their children.

She smiled as she thought back to that time. She was the happiest she’d been since they got married.

And with that thought, she was thrown right back into that disaster of a July 4th celebration, something she’d been desperately trying to stay away from in her reminiscing.

The look on Rebel’s face when she held up her hand and tried to stop her from moving closer to the sounds from the back yard. The look of fear and pain in her eyes that made her rush forth.

And then she heard them. She had to strain, but she still heard them.

_“…stuck up bitch…”_  
_“Yeah, stuck up bitch…”_

She turned to Rebel and tried to usher her away, but it was Rebel who was trying to get  _her_  to leave. She didn’t understand, not right away.

_“She’s an S.U.B. alright…”  
“Mmm, sub, love to have her down on her knees…”_

Definitely  _not_  something Rebel should have been overhearing and she pushed on her back but stopped when she heard what came next.

_“She’s gotta be good at what she does, only reason for Chris to keep her around…”  
“Yeah, she has gotten a bit beefy…”_

They couldn’t be talking about…

_“Nah, that’s nothing new. She’s always been on the heavier side….”_

Oh Jesus, they were.  _Her._ She felt her cheeks start to burn as she turned to Rebel and pointed at the door. She was about to speak, but was stopped in her tracks.

_“She should be grateful he keeps her around…”_

She grabbed the drinks from Rebel and spoke in a low tone so she wouldn’t be overheard, telling her to get inside. Rebel started to move.

_“She should live on her knees…”  
“Woulda been funny for her to walk down the aisle like a dog, her ass waving in the air. Bet Chris woulda liked that…”_

She again pointed at the door when Rebel turned back to her mother.

_“Woulda been the only thing to liven up that wedding…”_

Her stomach heaved as she stood straight and squared her shoulders. She didn’t want to go out there, but they needed to shut the hell up with kids around. She took the several steps around the corner just as she heard

_“Musta been the biggest snoozefest, bet Chris hated it…”_

She surveyed the yard and found almost all of his friends there, along with sheepish looks and a hushed chorus of ‘shh’. Several of them weren’t able to look her in the eyes, but others looked at her defiantly, almost begging her to say something.

“There are children around, you know. And voices do carry.” She wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of her tears, and yet she knew her brightly shining eyes and burning cheeks gave her away.

When she left and was out of sight, she heard the eruption of laughter along with several “what did I tell you? Stuck up bitch” and her throat constricted as she did what she could to stem the flow of tears. She’d hurried and rushed up the stairs before anyone knew she was even back inside.

It was only then that she let the tears fall.

Was this why he’d been working more and more? Was this why he was in Boston all the time? Had he proposed too early in their relationship and was too much of a gentleman to back out? Did his family feel the same way?

Did he regret being married to her?

It was about that time that she heard all the guys laughing in the back yard, and she even heard Chris’s laughter.

It wasn’t more than a few seconds after that that her headache reappeared. She spent the rest of the day and night in bed, unable to keep any food down. She didn’t know if she was in more physical or emotional pain, each of them the worst she’d ever endured. Fleeting images of what had been one of the happiest days of her life passed before her eyes, her memory souring and turning painful. Every time laughter from outside burst through her shroud of pain it got worse. Every time she heard Chris her heart broke.

Everything changed after that weekend.

They’d seen less and less of him at home. He spent more and more time in Boston. Taz was certain it was because he knew that she knew, that they’d been saying what he’d actually felt.

The problem was, she was still very much in love with her husband and couldn’t bring herself to ask for a divorce. She was a coward up until the point when he’d forced her hand with those pictures being taken.

She didn’t want to believe their life together was over.

Concentrating on trying to stop the flow of tears, she missed the door to the bathroom opening.


	37. Chapter 37

Taz opened her eyes to find Chris standing next to the tub. He looked even worse than before he’d gone downstairs.

“Chris, are you okay?” A moment of panic set in. “Oh, God, are the kids okay?”

“They’re fine.”

The tightness she heard in his voice reminded of her of when he told her that her father had died. She was immediately on high alert.

“Then… what’s wrong?”

“Sit up?”

She sat up and turned, thinking there must have been a critter behind her.

“What, is there a spider-”

“No. I need space.”

She was surprised when he climbed into the over-sized garden tub behind her, clothed. Sudsy water sloshed over the sides

“What are you- Chris, your clothes-”

He gathered her onto his lap as he interrupted her, more water sloshing over the side. Taz was tempted to get out of the tub and mop it up.

“My clothes don’t matter. What matters is I’m sorry. It all changes right now, everything changes.” He tightened his arms, holding her even closer. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Her breath hitched before she spoke.

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to go into details right now, we will need to talk, but my eyes have been opened, and I thought back and it took me a while, too long, to see it and I realized how all of this is my doing. It’s all on me. That all changes right now.”

“It does?”

Chris hated that he’d made her doubt herself, them, his love; he hated that she sounded so small.

“Yes. We’re not splitting up. I’m not going to let that happen. Our kids are not going to be shuttled between us, from one house to the other, not on alternate days or weeks or months or years. You, you’re the reason I do all of this.  _Everything_  I do is for you and Rebecca and Jameson. The three of you are my world. I wish I hadn’t been such an idiot. I wish I’d known this sooner.”

“I tried-”

“I know you did.”

“-but when you weren’t working you weren’t here, you were with your family.”

“Baby, you, you and Rebel and Jimbo  _are_  my family. We’ll figure this out. First thing’s first: we are not moving to Boston.”

She fought his hold, trying to sit up, but with the water she kept slipping and he held on tighter, not wanting to let her go.

“That’s not right. You can’t just make a decision like that. I backed you into a corner.”

“No, Sweetness, you were the one backed into a corner.”

It took a few seconds before Chris heard a sob as Taz fell back against him. Tilting his head to the side, he saw fresh tears falling down her cheeks. Chris needed to know-

“What did I do? What’s wrong?”

She shook her head as she tried to stop. It wasn’t long until she was under control, trying to wipe her face dry with wet hands.

“Nothing. I didn’t know how much I missed that.”

“What?”

“Sweetness. It’s been a long time since you last called me that.”

“I am so sorry. You’ve always been the sweetest part of my life.”

His arms became a vice and Taz could only squeak.

“Chris, I can’t breathe.”

He quickly relaxed his grip.

“Oh, God, sorry. I’m sorry for so many things, so many more than you know.” July 4th flashed in his mind and he shoved it right back out. “I need you to know, if it were the beginning of the shoot, I’d recast. We’ve only got about a week or so left, and if I tried that now-”

“I get it, I do. I don’t like it, not at all, but I understand.”

“I will never be alone with Emily. She didn’t mean anything-”

“You know, from what you said, it sounds like she made a play for you, if she was asking about our marriage and about me.”

“I should have known what she was trying. I thought- no, you know what? No more; no excuses. I should have known. It won’t happen again, and if it does, wait, what I mean is if she tries, I’ll set her straight. Never again will you have reason to doubt me. Never. Sweetness, baby, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.”

Chris hugged Taz to him, both hoping that the worst of the crisis had passed. Neither of them thought they were out of the woods just yet, but neither did a split feel imminent, like it had for most of the day.

“Chris? Would you mind terribly if we get out? The water’s getting cold and I’m getting all waterlogged and pruney.”

“Let’s go.”

Once they were out (and Taz did get the giggles watching Chris try to take off his soaking wet clothes while he stood in the tub before she told him to get back under the water and let it do the work) and dried and brushed and lotioned and dressed, Taz in another of Chris’s t-shirts, Chris in boxers and a t-shirt, they shuffled downstairs and grabbed a quick bite. Rather than the pasta Chris had fixed, Taz made a sautéed mushroom and onion omelet, Chris fixed a salad, and they split the meal, neither of them very hungry. With the exception of silverware against china, there was silence as they ate, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

After they finished, Taz started towards the family room but Chris stopped her.

“Would it be okay if we slept in the same bed tonight? I really need to be near you. Is that okay?”

Her movements were only as big as she felt, which is to say, her nod was barely noticeable at best.

“Sweetness, look at me? If you don’t want that, it’s okay for you to say no.”

“I want that. I do.”

He steered her towards their stairs.

“Why are we heading up to the bedroom now?”

“You’re tired, I’m tired. There are still things that we need to discuss. I want us comfortable for that, relaxed if possible.”

It sounded like he stopped before finishing his thought.

“Is that all?”

“No. I know we have a long way to go, but I need to feel like we’re us again, or that we will be. I need to hold you. Is that okay?”

Taz heard it in his voice: desperation. She took his hand and led him upstairs to their bedroom and he got between the cool sheets. She turned out the overhead light, leaving the lights on their bed stands on, and got in on her side. Before she could move, Chris reached over and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her into contact with him. As they spooned, he buried his face in her partly damp hair.

“I am so sorry. Please don’t let me fuck up what we have. I love you too much.”

She let what he said wash over her, holding his arms in place. When she figured out how to respond a soft sigh escaped. Her instinct, reinforced by years of neglect and hiding in order to keep the peace and keep him happy, was to sweep her feelings under the rug. Taz knew she needed to stop doing that, so she took the first step.

“I love you too, Chris.” She felt his grip tighten before she continued. “I don’t like you much right now, but I still love you.”

He huffed a laugh before he responded. Taz’s skin broke out in gooseflesh at feeling his hot breath on the back of her neck.  _I_ _’ve missed this…_

“You’re in good company. I don’t like me much right now, either.”

They lay like that for a bit of time, not talking as they thought about what got them there and what they still needed to discuss. They wondered if they could ever get back to what they used to be.

When Chris felt her move, he held her tighter.

“Please don’t go.”

“I’m not. I’m turning over.”

He relaxed his grip and suddenly Taz was facing him and  he was on his back with one of her arms slung over his waist and one of her legs over his as she burrowed into his side. She was hoping that getting into another familiar position with him would kick start her feeling connected to him again. She didn’t want to feel like she was in bed with a stranger, albeit a familiar one. She was sure they’d never again capture the spark they’d shared at the beginning of their relationship, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t try to capture something of that magic.

Chris needed to know something. He’d held off asking, not wanting to put her on the spot, but he wanted to understand.

“How long has this been going on, with my Mom?”

Taz wasn’t sure how much she wanted to go into this and then chastised herself for sticking to her old ways. She realized she had a long way to go before being herself again.

“It took me a couple of years to figure it out, but I think it’s been since Jameson was born.”

“That long?”

She loosened her grip and moved up, putting her head on the pillow. She needed to see him as she spoke, gauge his reactions.

“When I didn’t want anyone here after he was born I think she thought I was saying something about her.” She didn’t want to get defensive, but she couldn’t help it. “I wasn’t a new mom and I didn’t need that kind of help. I just needed time with him, my time, because I wasn’t allowed to carry him and-”

“You know why I did that, right? I couldn’t lose you.”

“I know, Chris. But… I didn’t feel connected to him. You know, he… he hadn’t heard me every day and he hadn't felt me and I thought he wasn’t going to know me-”

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“Because I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t help it. And you were gone so much and I wanted your time home to be easy and about the kids-”

“Of course it was going to be about the kids.”

“I wanted it to be about just us, just our family. You’ve always obsessed about your next project. It takes over your life and you don’t spend much time with us. You were cramming all your work in before he was born so you could give us six months of you. Baby, it was a gift, your gift to me and to our family, and I’m not going to apologize if I didn’t want to share my gift.”

It was obvious something was bothering him.

“I’m home all the time.”

Her head shake was immediate. “No, you’re not.”

“Now hold on-”

“Wait, I’m sorry, let me correct that. I wouldn’t say all the time, but you are home. Here’s what you need to understand: you may as well not be here. You may not be directing or acting when you’re home, but you’re producing or you’re in post or you’re getting ready for your next project, whether acting or directing, so you’re preparing, and God help you if you’re doing both. The moment you’re not doing any of those, that you have available time? You go to Boston. That’s the time I’m talking about.”

“Really?”

“When you’re here, you’re in meetings and at dinners and meeting casting agents and producers and the actors you’re working with or if you’re at home, you’re in your office with the door closed and we’re not allowed to open that door unless it’s an emergency. That’s the time we get with you. When you’re in Boston, they get you, just you.”

“Have I always been like that?”

“More or less. You did more acting when the kids were younger so it was just preparing for a role so we got more of you. With all the directing you do now, you’re much less available. When the kids were younger, we could go with you on location but we can’t do any of that with them in school. You work far more during the summer, the only time they have free but they don’t really have it free, not with all the activities they’ve always had and now with soccer and swimming and lessons and their friends, and when you’re off it’s mostly in the winter when they’re in school. You’re in Boston if you’re not working, or if you have a free weekend while you’re working, really any available time. You’re not with us. You’re not with me. I started to get the hint a couple of years ago, and this past year I’d thought you’d made it perfectly clear: you didn’t love me anymore.”

“What happened a couple years ago?”

“It was the year we went out to Boston for the summer-”

“You mean three years ago?”

“Yeah, and you were shooting down in Tennessee and in West Virginia and you were coming up each weekend that you could, but you never spent time with us. And it’s just,” she couldn’t. No matter how many times he’d told her that he loved her, she couldn’t bring herself to ask him if he knew and thought what she’d overheard his friends saying about her. She didn’t think that he did, but on the off chance that there was even a glimmer, she didn’t want to set him up to lie to her. She needed to keep the peace, and this time it was her peace she was keeping. “Things changed that summer.”

Chris knew she was referring to the 4th and decided to let it go for now. He knew he’d have to tell her he knew and how he knew, eventually, and that would devastate her. She didn’t need the added stress right now.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did, Chris, but you’d dismiss it, or say I was exaggerating.”

“Exaggerating? Do I say that a lot?”

“Yeah. I was being shoved to the side all the time, so I stopped saying anything. It was easier than knowing you were tuning me out, or hearing you defend yourself, or them.”

“I am so sorry for doing that to you. I will never stop apologizing for that. I love you.”

She grabbed at his waist, feeling the change in his body due to the years away from his most famous role. She liked the little bit of softness she found.

“And I love you and I love the life you’ve provided us with, but it doesn’t mean anything at all if you’re not here to share it, if you’re not present in  _our_  lives.”

She clung to him briefly before relaxing her grip. She’d finally worked up her courage to really talk to him.

“There’s more, and I need to say this and I need you to really listen to me on this.”

“Okay.”

Taz took a couple of deep breaths before beginning.

“It’s only been for the last couple, well, I guess three years, since that summer we spent in Boston. I started paying lots of attention to how much time you spent there versus here when you weren’t working. The only times you didn’t go were when it didn’t make sense work-wise, like, you weren’t going to go and be there for only a day if you had to be back on Monday for a meeting. Otherwise, you were always there. And every time your mother and I disagree about something, you take her side. What was I supposed to think, Chris? It hurts, when someone’s avoiding you, when you think your husband’s fallen out of love with you. And your mom and I fought more and more. I think she was feeling my resentment and defending you. Your brothers and sisters do it, too. Your family doesn’t like me. Your mom doesn’t like me. She thinks I’m a bad mom.”

“She can’t think that.”

“Chris, she does. She tells me I push the kids too hard, but I’m not the one who pushes them. You know they push themselves. They want to be the best at whatever they do.”

“But all the stuff they do-”

“Listen to yourself!”

She extricated herself and sat up, cross legged, and peered down at him.

“They do stuff because they are interested. I don’t push them. Hell, it would make my life easier if they didn’t do as much as they do, and I have a feeling Rebel’s going to pull back and concentrate only on swimming and water polo.”

“Wait, water polo, too?”

“Yeah, this is new. There was a pick-up game a couple of weeks ago and a coach saw her and he said she’s a natural. She’s begging me to take it up. Remember, I told her a couple years ago that once she hit high school she’d be capped at no more than two things that were not directly tied to her studies. It means she’d have to drop piano. But wait, we’re getting side-tracked. My point is I don’t push them. My point is your mom doesn’t listen to me. She doesn’t support me, she doesn’t support us, and your family takes their cue from her.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t want to come between you, but it feels like she’s come between us.”

Chris closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He thought back, though, to the texts from earlier today, and yesterday. To the conversations he’d had with her and she’d bring up things and criticize Taz. He’d defend his wife, at least somewhat, but he found it easier to just keep his mouth shut. He let Mom say whatever she wanted because it was easier on him, and he let her take care of him because it made him feel good. Why wouldn’t he want to feel good?

And then his world came crashing down around him and he realized how much he’d done to undermine his marriage.

“I am such a fucking meatball!”

His startled cry caught Taz by surprise and she was concerned when he opened his eyes and tears shone. Chris reached out to her.

“I am so sorry. Come here.”

“Why?”

“Because I really need to hold you.”

“But why?”

“This is my fault, this is all my fault.”

“Chris, it’s not-”

“Sweetness, it is absolutely my fault. I need my wife. I cannot live without you. I need you.”

She heard it. Just like she had only a couple of hours ago, Chris had reached his breaking point. She knew she was the only one who could put him back together.

She lay next to him and this time, she was the one to hold and comfort Chris. She resisted the urge to tell him ‘it’s okay’, because it wasn’t. Over and over he repeated “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and she rubbed lazy circles on his back and held him close. 

* * *

They talked. They talked a lot. They talked between bouts of crying and heated discussion and cat naps and apologies and cuddling and water. They needed to clear the air and get it all out in the open. They wanted to leave no stone unturned and they would have if Chris would have been in town any longer. There was only one thing that remained on the table after their long, exhausting conversation: July 4th from three years ago. Taz was pretty sure that he hadn’t known what had been said. Chris didn’t want to tell her what Rebel had told him, how much she’d heard, and he wasn’t too sure that his daughter had told him everything that she had heard. That conversation was being saved by both of them, unbeknownst to the other, for when they had time.

Once they were through everything, they made short term plans. Chris would wrap up his shoot as quickly as possible and get back home. Taz would try to find a cabin they could rent at the last minute and the family would disconnect and head up to Big Bear and take hikes and even see about doing a night or two of camping, depending on how much time they ended up having. They would be a family.

They’d come back for the start of school and all the activities associated with that: the parent teacher conferences and PTA meetings and Back to School night. They’d have Labor Day weekend together and stay home and have a cookout. Then, once things died down, Chris and Taz would head up to Santa Barbara. Depending on who watched the kids, and they both hoped that Chris’s mom would come out to stay with them, they’d possibly take several weeks. Taz, especially, wanted her to come out so she could talk to her, try to get her to see what had happened and how they got to where they were. She wanted to repair her relationship with her.

It was the wee hours of the morning when they finished, both of them exhausted and a little hoarse and parched. They’d depleted their water and Chris insisted that Taz drink so he headed down to the kitchen. While he was padding around, cleaning up from dinner, he was lost in his thoughts. The past 24 hours flashed in front of him in an instant as he realized that he probably had saved his marriage by dropping everything and flying home. He was overwhelmed with his relief and broke down.

By the time he’d collected himself and was back upstairs, Taz was asleep. He sat on the sofa and watched her and marveled at her strength and willingness to work with him. He set the water down on her nightstand and crawled into bed, spooning with her. He was instantly at peace, knowing he was where he was supposed to be.

He’d only been asleep for a few hours before his eyes popped open. There were several things he needed to take care of before their day started. He grabbed his phone and got back into bed. He sent off a quick note to his agent telling him to stop the negotiations on the project he’d been hoping to land and telling him that things would be on hold for a while.

He checked the time before sending a note to Mom, asking her to let him know when she was available for a call. Not surprisingly, she answered within a few minutes. He nudged Taz’s hair to the side and kissed her on the back of her neck as he dialed. While he didn’t want to wake her up, he wasn’t about to hide anything from her.

Taz woke as Chris and Mom exchanged pleasantries. She only heard his side of the difficult conversation, but she had plenty of experience in dealing with Mom so she was pretty sure she knew what he was up against.

“Hey Mom, I’ve got a favor to ask.”

“Well, thank you for agreeing, but you don’t know what it is.”

“I’m going to be wrapping my production soon, as soon as I can, and then come home, spend time with the family. Once school starts, could you come out and watch the kids for us? Taz and I need some time, just the two of us.”

“No, I’m not, there’s a change of plans. I’m not coming to Boston.”

“Because I’m coming home to be with my family before school starts.”

“No.”

“Because, depending on when I’m done, they’ve got about a week before schools starts and I’m not making them fly for two days just to see me. Besides, Rebel’s got practice.”

“And the beginning of the school year’s busy, and then we’ve got Labor Day weekend-”

“No, I’m not coming out for Labor Day weekend.”

“Because it’s my anniversary.”

Taz couldn’t help her smile. She knew it would probably be a bit of a strained celebration, but she was happy to hear it was on his mind. That wasn’t something they’d discussed.

“No, I’m not going to postpone that.”

She wanted to be surprised that he’d been asked that, but she wasn’t.

“And after I need to get the editing going, and I want to take Taz away for a bit.”

“No, we’re not going to come to Boston.”

“Because I want it to be just the two of us.”

“It can’t be just the two of us there, besides, I need to be close for editing, in case they need me.”

“We’re going to Santa Barbara. So, you want to come out and watch the kids for us?”

“Thanks, Mom. We appreciate it.”

“I’m sure everyone’ll be disappointed, but they’ll get over it.”

“You know, while I’ve got you on the phone, I’ve got something else. I know I’ve been talking for a while about how it would be good to move back to Boston-”

“No, that’s not it. I’ve thought about it and Taz and I have discussed it, and I’m not comfortable ripping the kids away from all their friends, their activities, their school, I’m not going to ask that of them. We’re staying here.”

The tension she felt in his arm as he held her tighter as he listened to Mom spoke volumes.

“Mom, this is what’s best for my family.”

“With as much time as I have to spend in LA for work anyway, I’d see even less of them if we were in Boston. Why would I do that?”

“Depends on what happens with college, we might want to wait to decide until after they’re both out.”

“Because if either of them happens to settle here, I don’t know that I’d want to move away.”

“Look, Taz and I talked about this. It’s what makes the most sense right now for our family.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Now hold on. You do realize she was just having dinner with a family friend, right?”

“No, it wasn’t a date.”

“Well, that site’s wrong and so are you.  _I_  was the one who fucked everything up.”

“It’s easy to see whatever you want when you live 3000 miles away. Trust me, this is all on me.”

“No, you don’t need to do that.”

“Because you don’t.”

“Because I talked to my wife. We got everything cleared up. It was touch and go there for a while, and I'm not out of the doghouse yet, but she’s willing to work on this with me.”

“How about I hand the phone to her, save you the hassle of hanging up and dialing.”

“Yes, I did.”

“She didn’t make me-”

“No, she didn’t.”

“It was dinner.”

“No.”

“Because I don’t need to.”

“Because  _she_  is the trustworthy one in this relationship. I’m not.”

“Cut it out.”

“You’ve seen me more this year than she has, how is that right?”

“That wouldn’t solve anything.”

“Because we’d never have time just to ourselves and I’d still never see her or my kids and that’s not right.”

“Well maybe if you would all make them feel more welcome they’d be willing to stay with you.”

It struck Taz that he’d really listened to her last night. She was just surprised he was confronting his mother the way he was.

“She goes out of her way to make you feel welcome here and you know it.”

“Jesus, Mom, that was 12 years ago and that wasn’t about you, that was about our family and the fact that I’m never home and I took time off to be with them. She just wanted time with me and with our children, with our family and I think that’s more than fair.”

“She  _is_  my family, Mom. She’s my wife!”

It was a struggle, but Taz was finally able to turn over. She didn’t want to interrupt him, but she wanted to let him know he didn’t need to go that far. She was startled when she saw him mouth ‘I’m doing this’. She burrowed into him, hugging him close, lending him all the support she possibly could.

“I think you need to drop it.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t think you’d like my decision.”

She tilted her head back so she could watch him. It pained her that he felt he had to do this.

“That’s right.”

“Well, I need you to stop interfering in my marriage.”

“Yes, that is interfering.”

“Because you are wrong. I fucked up, Mom. This is on me. Taz has not done a single thing wrong.”

“You know what? We’ll have someone else watch the kids.”

He switched the phone so he was laying on it. He wiped Taz’s tears with his freed hand.

“Because these are my kids and I don’t like what you’re saying about their mother, and I will not put them in the position of having to choose between the two of you, because you will lose on that one, I guarantee it.”

“You know what? If you can’t respect her, I don’t want you around our kids. We’ll find someone else to watch them.”

“I’m not arguing with you about this.”

“Because I’ve made up my mind. Until you can support my decisions, _our_ decisions, we’re done talking. Where we go from here is completely up to you. And the same goes for the rest of the family.”

“No, I’m done.”

He hung up the phone without saying goodbye. Taz immediately tried to convince him he needed to fix this.

“Chris, I think you-”

“No, baby, don’t.”

“But-”

“No. I don’t want you to worry about that.”

His phone started ringing and he quickly silenced it and sent the call to voice mail before burying his head in the crook of her neck.

“You should get that.”

“No. Come on. Don’t worry about it. It had to be done.”

“I am so sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry about?”

“That you felt you had to do that, because of me.”

“No, that was completely because of me. If I’d paid attention I would have been able to deal with it long ago. It never would have gotten this bad.”

“And that’s why it’s my fault. If I’d said something sooner-”

“Pretty sure you have said something, and I chose not to hear it. This is not your fault, Sweetness.” He heard her breath shudder and he knew he had his work cut out for him. He reared back and saw her red-rimmed eyes and grew concerned. “How’s your head?”

“Surprisingly okay.”

“I’ve been up for a while, and I’ve been thinking.”

“About?”

“Where we go from here. I know this morning you said you wanted to think about it, but I really want us to go in for counseling as soon as I get back from the shoot. I hate to give you anything else to do, but could you find someone for us to go to?”

“Hm, I think Dr. Hall retired but I can give her a call, see if she can recommend someone. You really want to go?”

“I think it’d be a good idea. I need to know what I did and, well, given everything I think it would be good for us to have a mediator, especially for the tough conversations.”

That was not something Taz wanted to hear.

“You think it’s still going to be hard?”

“I think we’re both smart people who have had a hard time talking to each other these past couple of years. I think we can both dig our heels in when we don’t like something.”

“Sounds like us.”

“And just ‘cause we’ve talked doesn’t mean it’s fixed. I’d like to think it is, but probably not.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Also, I sent a note to my agent. I told him I want to get through everything that’s on my plate for now, and then take some time off.”

“Well, that’ll make it what, middle, end of next summer?”

“No, that was part of my email. I turned that one down. I’d already agreed to do Ben’s project, but I’m not directing, just acting, and I’m doing it as a favor so I don’t want to pull out. I should be done with everything by, mid, maybe end of April, I think? I’ve got Jumper to finish, probably January before it's in the can and then a couple of free months, then Ben’s gig, which shouldn’t be more than a couple of weeks, I think. Wait, I’ll have press for Jumper after that, so a little longer, but then I’m yours.”

“Really? How long? The kids would love to have you home for at least part of the summer.”

“Let’s start with through the end of the year and go from there. Would you like that?”

“Seriously? That long?”

“Yeah. I think it would be good.”

“But your family won’t-”

“Sweetness, my family is right here.”

Tears squeezed out when she shut her eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah. I have a question.”

“’Kay.”

Taz’s eyes sprung open when he touched her face, his fingertips caressing her skin before his thumb found its way to her lips.

“I completely understand if you say you’re not ready, but-”

Taz tried to silence him with a shake of her head, but he wasn’t going to be deterred. He was pretty sure he knew what she was thinking and that wasn’t it.

“That’s not what I’m asking for, Sweetness. All I’m hoping for is a kiss. I just want to kiss my wife, if she’ll let me.”

“She’d like that. I’d love that, actually. I’ve missed your kisses. I’ve missed you, Chris.”

“I’ve missed you, my love.”


	38. Chapter 38

Taz tried to get Chris to see that he’d taken a more extreme stance with his family, with Mom, than was needed. He would not be deterred, though. He knew that if he caved now, he’d never hear the end of it from Mom, or anyone else for that matter.

They talked and dozed and talked some more for the rest of the morning. She filled him in on what was going on with the kids: what was happening school-wise, friends-wise,  _boyfriends_ -wise (that was one he didn’t want to hear). Chris was hit, time and time again, with just how far removed from his family’s life he was and when that happened, Taz was the one to wipe his tears away. In his book, that he didn’t know what was going on was absolutely unacceptable. He wanted to talk to some of his friends, see how they managed to handle everything, all the work, all the preparation, and not let their families down. He mentally put together a list as he watched her sleep.

The last time she woke they didn’t talk for some time. They spoke with soft touches and soft smiles and soft kisses and soft eyes. And big hugs. Chris wanted, more than anything, to make love to his wife but he knew they weren’t ready for that. Just like he had at the beginning of their relationship, he decided to let her determine when they were ready. He knew it would probably be a while, not because she would look to punish him but because she needed to know she was once again safe with him.

She could see the concern in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

She stroked the creases between his eyes as she replied.

“That’s not what your face is telling me. What’s up?”

“It’s just, I love you so much and I’m kicking myself for what I almost let happen.”

As Chris spoke, Taz wiped at his tears and fought the urge to tell him everything would be okay. She wasn’t sure that it would be. There was that nagging feeling in her gut that the other shoe was going to drop and split them in two.

“I know that I have a long way to go before I convince you that I’m telling the truth and you can trust me.”

“Honey, I know you believe what you’re saying, and for right now, this moment, that’s good enough for me. It’s not good enough for the long-term, but it’s good enough for now. Remember, you’re not the only one in this relationship. I played a role in this too, and so did your family and your friends-”

“Their role in our relationship is going to change. We need to be the ones to decide what’s okay for us, what’s acceptable and what’s not.”

“That sounds good. But are you sure? About cutting off communication with them?”

“We’ve been over this. Until she is willing to treat you with respect I will not talk with her.”

“But how do you know that isn’t the case unless you do talk with her?”

“All I need to do is read her texts and I’ll know. She’s got a ways to go.”

 

* * *

After he showered, Chris was getting ready to go pick up the kids when he decided he needed to bring up one more thing while they were still alone. He headed downstairs and found her pouring a couple of mugs of coffee. He walked up behind her, bracing himself against the counter and trapping her in place. He nuzzled at the back of her neck.

“Sweetness, I need to make sure you know something. I-”

“I know, I know you’re sorry.”

“I am, but that’s not it. I want you to know I really want to make love to you. I’m not asking, I know you’re not ready for that. I don’t have a problem waiting until you know you can trust me. But Sweetness, just because I’m not asking, that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

Taz spun around and wrapped her arms around his torso. Chris stroked her head and felt her relax.

“I want you to be in control. Nothing will happen unless you say you want it to.”

“Thank you.”

She didn’t want to let him go, but as much as she could have stayed like that all day, she knew the kids were antsy to see their dad. She saw him to his car and headed back inside. As wonderful as it had been to begin to reconnect with him, Taz needed some time when she didn’t feel like she was being watched over and smothered. She needed to think and process everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.

 

* * *

It was just before lunch when Chris finally arrived at Kristi’s. He had the kids head out to the car so he could talk with her. Their conversation was brief, during which Kristie punched him in the stomach. Chris was convinced that she pulled the punch.

“You know I hate violence, and I hate that you made me do that. I told you that if you ever hurt my girl that I’d make you pay. Are you gonna hurt her again?”

“Absolutely not. Never.”

“Well, just know that I know a couple of guys. I could easily make you disappear.”

Chris chuckled until he saw the look on her face and realized that she was serious.

“That won’t be needed.”

 

* * *

Chris and Taz talked each night while he was on location, discussing the kids and the upcoming vacation and his shoot and current events. What they didn’t talk about was them. Chris tried that first night but Taz wasn’t comfortable having that discussion on the phone. She needed to be able to see his face, to be in his presence, while talking to him. She was afraid she’d say the wrong thing and make him regret sticking it out. He got frustrated with her, she with him, and things were more than a little tense on the phone. To make matters worse for Chris, he didn’t have his family he could call, and he didn’t know which of his friends he could trust, if any. For the first time in his life he was alone and he didn’t like it. He ended up picking a fight with Taz right before he got home so his reception was cool at best.

They had originally planned on not telling the kids anything, but once Chris was home the tension was palpable. He and Taz had a big blow-up about the grocery and some other errands that needed to be run. When they turned around, they found Rebel and Jimbo, seated at the kitchen table, in shock at what they’d just witnessed. Things could no longer be kept a secret.

They sat them down and explained that they were having some problems and that things might be tense for a while, but they were working through them. Rebel asked if they were getting a divorce and both Taz and Chris practically shouted no. They explained that wasn’t what they wanted, that they still loved each other, but they needed to talk about things. When Jimbo asked ‘what things’ Chris responded with ‘grownup things that you don’t need to worry about’. Once the kids were out of the room they apologized to each other and vowed that they wouldn’t fight like that again, at least, not while the kids were around.

The family vacation was relatively uneventful which was exactly what they all needed. Entirely too soon it was over and the kids were back in school and there were all sorts of meetings for Taz with the teachers and coaches. Chris joined when he could.

Their first couples’ therapy session happened once the kids were in school. Dr. Lisa McManus had a no nonsense style that they both appreciated. They began the difficult road to mending their relationship. They were able to work through their issues and had a far healthier relationship for it. They saw her each week for just under four months, finishing by the end of the year. Little did they know they’d be back in her office in only a few short months.

Trudy was happy enough to stay with the kids while Mom and Dad were up in Santa Barbara. It was an easy enough time given that they did their homework without being asked and didn’t argue about stuff.

It was in Santa Barbara that they finally started to feel like themselves again. Chris and Taz rented their special place. Over the years they’d been back and it had come to mean so much to them. Chris wanted to capture some of the magic they’d felt their first time away together so he planned a romantic day, but Taz beat him to the punch.

It was their second day and they rose early. After breakfast they took a picnic and went for a walk along a trail near where they were staying. It was a beautiful day and they enjoyed their time outdoors. When they finally stopped for the picnic at the clearing they loved so much, they started talking, really talking about what they wanted for their future, both for them as well as their kids. And at the end of that, at the end of all of that conversation, Taz asked Chris about his work. Instantaneously defensive, it took Taz covering his mouth, first with her hand and then with her lips, to get him to see that she wanted him to talk about his work, about any of it or all of it, it didn’t matter to her. She wanted him to educate her on what drove him to do what he did, to express himself the way that he did. Early in their relationship she'd been reluctant to discuss his work for fear of him thinking that was why she liked him. Later, she was busy with kids. While she'd been there for him to bounce ideas off of, at least up to the last couple of years, she'd never really expressed an interest in his work.

Chris was overjoyed. Granted, he tried to convince her that he’d do a much better job of expressing himself without words, but she only laughed and prodded him to talk. They spent the next hour with Chris on his back, Taz with her head on his chest and snuggled into his side. She loved to listen to him. She closed her eyes and let the sun warm her body as her husband warmed her heart.

That night she fixed a special meal and after she showed him something she’d created over the past several weeks: a compilation of videos and pictures of their life together, all their happiest memories and occasions. She’d found the old video of the two of them kissing at the Lakers game that she’d taken him to. Wedding pictures and video were included as well (she was trying to reclaim her happy memories that had been stripped from her that awful July 4th three years ago). She had both of the kids first pictures, as well as other moments of their lives. She’d even gone so far as to do a voice-over, telling him what she remembered of each of the videos or pictures, and how much more in love with him she was, day by day, as they lived their life together. When it was done, she tried to apologize to Chris, who kept telling her that it wasn’t necessary. After some stern talking (she’d vowed to herself that there would be no yelling in Santa Barbara) and more tears (and she was desperate for those to cease), she finally got him to stop trying to take all the blame and acknowledge her role in their difficulty. She then recited, from memory, all his qualities and characteristics that she’d fallen in love with that she’d told him about all those years ago, and even added a few. After more time than either of them cared to admit, they finally made love.

Several days later, they had the discussion that they’d each been dreading. They talked about that summer three years ago.

Taz initially didn’t want to have the conversation, but Chris insisted. It turned into an all-day event. Chris started them off when he told her he knew something of what had happened that weekend. She thought her worst fears had come true: that there was a bit of truth in what had been said and she braced herself. She wasn’t nearly prepared for what he told her. She was horrified. She hadn’t spoken to Rebel about what had happened, instead trying to forget it had ever occurred. That her daughter had heard and carried that around, especially every time they were in Boston and saw his friends, well, no wonder she resisted every trip to Boston.

While Chris understood why Taz was upset, he couldn’t understand why she was distraught. She confronted him with _everything_ that she’d overheard. Chris was furious. It had been bad enough with what Rebel had told him, but when he found out just how far some of them had gone, he had half a mind to hop on a plane and rip them all a new one. Instead, he spent the day reassuring Taz and doing what she’d done for him a few nights prior. He chronicled everything about her that he loved, reassuring her that he didn’t agree with his  _former_  friends in the slightest. It took some time, but Taz finally started to see how wrong about him she’d been over these past years. She mentally kicked herself and then stopped. She knew she had to begin to forgive herself if she was going to be healthy once again.

They spent the rest of their time in Santa Barbara reconnecting.

Once back in town with their kids, they settled into a routine that worked for them. Running the house and all the kid’s activities and meals and Taz’s volunteer work (she helped out at the school every now and again) and Chris’s work kept the house humming along.

It was during this time that Chris and Jeremy met and said what needed to be said. Jeremy called Chris on his bullshit and Chris took it. He thanked him for being kind to his wife and not taking advantage of the situation. Chris was tired of all the rampant speculation that was still happening almost two months later, so the two went out for dinner, ensuring they were seen. A couple of the blogs picked up the story and it helped to quiet the out-of-control nature to the press.

 

* * *

The holidays approached and there was still no contact from Chris’s family. Taz tried to get him to call them up, to make peace, but he refused. In years past they’d head out for the whole week so when no one had heard from him and it was only days before they would normally arrive, Scott called. Chris was happy to hear from his brother, assuming that the family had come around and was going to apologize. When that didn’t happen, he hung up on him and headed to the gym, ignoring the calls and sending them to voicemail.

Chris had just left when Taz heard from Scott. After what felt like forced pleasantries, he confronted her. She did what she could to remain calm in the face of his anger. She was pretty sure he wasn’t angry at her until ‘selfish as always’ escaped his lips. The call was not pretty after that, with Taz doing most of the talking and, ultimately, yelling when Scott didn’t listen to her and told her that she was only making excuses. She ended up yelling at him for, well, she was sure it had been at least 5 minutes and, when he couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, he finally listened to her.

She accused him of being selfish when he put himself, his mother, and his sisters ahead of Chris’s children. She berated him for calling her selfish when all she was trying to do was make sure that her family remained intact. She tossed in a ‘how dare you’, telling him that he should be ashamed of himself for trying to split up a marriage, because ultimately that was what he and his family were aiming to do. She ended with a ‘don’t you ever’, telling him he and his family needed to stop making Chris feel guilty for being with the family he chose to create.

By the end of the call Scott was trying to apologize to her but she wasn’t listening. She was done trying to be the nice one and trying to change herself to fit in and be liked by them. She was done allowing them to walk all over her. She was done with being made out to be the bitch or the selfish one. She was done.

A few minutes after she hung up, she felt awful. Scott didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of her anger and frustration, at least, not alone. Where, previously, she would have immediately called him back to apologize, she stopped herself and asked  _was anything I said untrue?_  When the answer that came back to her was a resounding  _no_ , she did not pick up the phone. Instead, after consulting her watch to find out she had several hours before she had to be somewhere, she decided to disconnect and head out. She left a note for Chris, put her phone on DND, and headed to the local trail. Time spent in nature and breathing clean air, clearing out the cobwebs in her head, was what she needed.

During her hike she thought about how her life had imploded and was being rebuilt. She thought about her kids and how proud of them she was, of who they were becoming. She thought about Chris and how happy he was with his work. Despite it taking him away from her, from their family, she was proud of what he’d done: the stories he’d taken to heart, those he told and the care he took in telling them. Sure, he had a couple of huge blockbusters under his belt, but that wasn’t where his passion was. It was the smaller, personal stories that he loved so much: that was where his heart resided.

What about her life? When that thought crossed her mind, Taz dismissed it with the thought that she’d been busy raising her kids. But what was going to happen when they were both gone? She put that thought out of her mind. She still had several years before that would happen and there was no need to be thinking about that now.

She found Chris rummaging around in the kitchen when she got home. She told him what had happened with Scott. She thought his anger was directed at her, and while she wouldn’t have blamed him, she also wasn’t about to apologize and that was exactly what she told him. He took all the fuel out of her fire when he smiled at her and told her he was proud of her, doing what she needed to do for herself. He was happy to see that she was on the road back to being the person she was supposed to be: strong and independent and fiercely loyal and protective of those she loved, while being sweet and wonderful.

 

* * *

Taz’s secret wish of cooking Thanksgiving at home (something she'd wanted to do for years) came true, and while she knew that Chris missed his family (and deep down she did, too), she couldn’t help but be happy that they had one holiday where it was just the four of them. They’d had precious little time with the kids when they were growing up, just the four of them. Taz couldn’t remember a happier time. She’d sneak peeks now and again as Jim (he’d corrected them at breakfast with ‘I go by Jim now’) and Rebel and Chris watched football for most of the afternoon. They ate outside, the heat lamps turned on once the sun went down, and it was a spectacular afternoon and they enjoyed the hassle-free holiday. It wasn’t lost on anyone that this was the first time in recent memory that Taz didn’t have a migraine on a holiday.

It was mostly due to the conversation Taz had with Scott (more like yelling at him) and his eyes being opened that allowed the family to start healing and coming together. He’d talked with his sisters and made them see, and then the three of them sat Lisa down and had a long conversation with her. Granted, everything with her was still tentative, but she really wanted her son back in her life.

It took Scott hopping on a plane for Chris to finally understand that the family had heard him. Everyone got on the phone and while things were tense, no one was flinging accusations around. Chris had already told Taz that he wanted to spend Christmas at home this year, that he didn’t want to drag his family across the country (they’d been doing it for the past 11 years), so he invited everyone out to their place for the holidays. They all gave a tentative yes, needing to check with everyone, but it looked like they’d have a full house for Christmas. Taz could not have been more pleased.

It was several weeks later when everyone descended and took up their rooms. The kids bunked together (although most of the nieces and nephews rolled their eyes when they were referred to as ‘kids’) and there were inflatable mattresses everywhere. After so many years of their house being quiet, Taz was grateful for the cacophony of sounds that happened throughout each day.

She took Lisa out for a lunch, just the two of them. Things were tense when they left and less so when they got back. There had been tears and disapproving glares on each of their parts, but they cleared the air. It would take some time, but things would eventually get back to where they were. Neither of them would tell Chris, or any other member of the family, what was said. That was to be just between them.

After a raucous and rowdy Christmas, complete with a trip to the beach, the Evans clan left LA and headed to Big Bear for a family New Years’ celebration. They’d rented several homes so everyone would have a bed and no one would be relegated to sleeping on the floor. They put all the kids in their own cabin and the adults in another. Rather than being with the rest of their family, Chris opted for a smaller cabin for just the two of them. It was sometime during that trip that their third child was conceived.

 

* * *

**Date third child was born: 7 Sep 2035**

Not believing the home pregnancy test, and not wanting to scare Chris, Taz saw her doctor who confirmed that she was indeed pregnant. They talked about how old she was and that this would be an extremely high-risk pregnancy, especially with what happened the last time. They talked about her options and what each of them would mean. As far as Taz was concerned, she had only one option. They put together a game plan with all the appropriate tests and appointments and counselors.

She told Chris that evening, which just so happened to be the 20th anniversary of when he’d asked her to move in with him. He’d planned a romantic evening for the two of them and while Taz hadn’t wanted to spoil it, when he pulled out the champagne and offered a toast, she knew she had to tell him.

When she stopped him and asked if she could be the one to toast, he agreed. She caressed his cheek and marveled over how soft his salt and pepper beard was. She had her husband back. She knew they were in a better place than she could have ever hoped for as it was far better than what they’d had. They’d become real partners and were more in love than ever. 

She placed his hand on her belly and his confused look left with her ‘to our expanding family’ toast.

To say that Chris panicked when what she meant sunk in would be an understatement. All he could remember was what had happened when Rebecca was born. He still couldn’t talk about it without bringing up memories of how close he’d come to losing her. No amount of reassurance worked. Taz had hoped that it wouldn’t be needed, but she’d already scheduled a consultation the following day with the doctor.

The doctor told him that everything would be fine, that they’d monitor Taz carefully throughout her pregnancy and when it came time to deliver they’d do a C-section. Chris made Taz promise that she would follow everything that the doctor told her to the letter. She only agreed to get Chris to stop with his demands, intending to do what she knew she could handle, until Kristi reminded her what she’d seen, how despondent Chris had become, when Taz had been close to dying. She relented.

He wanted to cancel the job with Ben but Taz wouldn’t let him, instead asking if Lisa would come to stay with them while he was gone, and also for the time he’d be gone for press for Jumper. It took some convincing, but he finally relented.

Everything was as smooth as the first time she was pregnant, although Taz was more tired this time around. Chris was glad he’d already planned on taking time off and extended it to at least a full year after the baby was born.

The delivery by C-section was uneventful.

Chris announced the birth in a different way. He recorded a love song to his wife and child, posting it on line:

_[The first time, ever I saw your face](https://youtu.be/r9jmusgMgro?t=5) _  
_I thought the sun rose in your eyes_  
_And the moon and the stars_  
_Were the gifts you gave_  
_To the dark, the endless skies, my love_

_And the first time, ever I kissed your mouth_  
_I felt the earth move in my hands_  
_Like the trembling heart_  
_Of a captive bird_  
_That was there, at my command, my love_

_And the first time, ever I lay with you_  
_I felt your heart so close to mine_  
_And I knew our joy_  
_It would fill the earth_  
_And last, ‘til the end of time, my love_

_The first time, ever I saw_  
_Your face, your face_  
_Your fa-ace, your face_

The video finished with the following:

_Born, 7 September 2035 @7:27 a.m._  
_Joshua Jeremy Evans_  
_19 inches, 7 pounds, 7 ounces  
_ _Mother and child are perfect_

_fin_

Note: The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face:  Writer(s): Ewan Mccoll, Wayne Coyne, Ewan Maccoll, Michael Ivins, Kliph Scurlock, Steven Drozd  
Copyright: BMG Platinum Songs Us, Lovely Sorts Of Death, Figs D Music, Storm King Music Inc., David Platz Music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This brings to a close this part of their story. At this time, I don't have any plans for any other updates (I think they're concentrating on their child right now and trying to remember how to parent a baby). If and/or when they decide to visit me again for more of their story, I'll be sharing that with you.

**Author's Note:**

> Reposting/Downloading:  
> Please do not repost or make these works available for downloading on any other site.


End file.
